_Northern Croesus._ "Oh! I'm so glad to meet you here, Mr. Vand.y.k.e Brown. The fact is, I've a _commission_ for you!"

_Our Youthful Landscape Painter (dissembling his rapture)._ "All right--most happy--what is it to be?"

_Northern Croesus._ "Well--my aged grandmother is going to London by this train--and I want to put her under your protection."

[_Our Youthful Landscape Painter dissembles again._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PATENT FIRST-CLa.s.s COSTUME FOR THE COLLISION SEASON

_Traveller._ "Yes, it's decidedly warm, but there's a feeling of security about it I rather like." (_Yawns._) "Any chance of a smash to-day!?"

[_Drops off to sleep!_]

[Ill.u.s.tration: JUDGING BY APPEARANCES

_Undersized Youth._ "Now then, first return, Surbiton, and look sharp!

How much?"

_Clerk._ "Three shillings. Half-price under twelve!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: COLD COMFORT

_Traveller (waiting for train already twenty minutes late)._ "Porter, when do you expect that train to come in?"

_Porter._ "Can't say, sir. But the longer you waits for it, the more sure 'tis to come in the next minute."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE NURSERY SALOON ON THE RAILWAY"

OUR ARTIST'S NOTION OF WHAT WE MAY EXPECT IF THE SUGGESTION WERE ADOPTED

The saloon is Patent swing Rattles can Efficient nurse The saloon fitted with sleeping cradles be obtained guards, to look is fitted refreshment can be secured at most of after the with amusing bar, replete by wire or the large babies, travel toys, to with all baby letter. stations. by all trains. beguile delicacies. the tedium of long journeys.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: RAILWAY PUZZLE

To find the name of the station.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: VICARIOUS!

(_On the Underground Railway_)

_Irascible Old Gentleman (who is just a second too late)._ "Confound and D----!"

_Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dare not express it)._ "Oh, thank you, _so_ much!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNDERGROUND RAILWAY

_Old Lady._ "Well, I'm sure no woman with the least sense of decency would think of going down _that_ way to it."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: REGULAR IRREGULARITY

_Pa.s.senger (in a hurry)._ "Is this train punctual?"

_Porter._ "Yessir, generally a quarter of an hour late to a minute!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Perspiring Countryman (who has just, with the utmost difficulty, succeeded in catching train)._ "Phew! Just saved it by t'skin o' my _teeth_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "'TIS BETTER NOT TO KNOW"

_Impudent Boy (generally)._ "Try yer weight--only a penny!" (_To lady of commanding proportions in particular._) "'Tell yer 'xact weight to a hounce, mum!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: APPALLING DISCLOSURES OVERHEARD BY AN OLD LADY IN THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN TWO RUFFIANS IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE.

_First Artist._ "Children don't seem to me to sell now as they used."

_Second Artist (in a hoa.r.s.e whisper)._ "Well, I was at Stodge's yesterday. He'd just knocked off three little girls' heads--horrid raw things--a dealer came in, sir--bought 'em directly--took 'em away, wet as they were, on the stretchers, and wanted Stodge to let him have some more next week."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NECESSITIES OF LIFE

"Yes, my lady. James went this morning with the hunters, and I've sent on the heavy luggage with Charles. But I've got your pencil-case, the bicycle, your ladyship's golf clubs and hunting crop and billiard cue, the lawn tennis racket, the bezique cards and markers, your ladyship's betting book and racing gla.s.ses and skates and walking-stick--and if I've forgotten anything I can easily wire back for it from the first station we stop at."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A STRIKING ATt.i.tUDE

Patience on a trunk waiting for a cab]