_Swell (handing "Sporting Life" to Clerical Party)._ "Aw--would you--aw--do me the favour to wead the list of the waces to me while we're wunning down?--I've--aw--forgotten my eyegla.s.s. Don't mind waising your voice--I'm pwecious deaf!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THAT IT SHOULD COME TO THIS!

_Boy._ "Second-cla.s.s, sir?"

_Captain._ "I nevah travel second-cla.s.s!"

_Boy._ "This way third, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ART!

_Chatty Pa.s.senger._ "To show yer what cheats they are, sir, friend o'

mine,--lots o' money, and fust-rate taste,--give the horder to one of 'em to decorate his new 'ouse in reg'lar slap-up style!--'spare no expense!--with all the finest 'chromios' that could be 'ad! You know what lovely things they are, sir! Well, sir, would you believe it!--after they was sent, they turned out not to be 'chromios' at all!--but done by 'and!"--(_with withering contempt_)--"done by 'and, sir!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PERMISSIVE SLAUGHTER

(_Five Thousand Shunting Accidents in Five Years!_)

_First Shunter (with coupling-link, awaiting engine backing)._ "I saw poor Jack's wife and kids last night, after the funeral. Poor things, what will be done for 'em?" _Second Shunter (at points)._ "Oh, the usual thing, I s'ppose--company's blessin', and a charity mangle!----Look out, mate! She's backin'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: BEHIND TIME

_Ticket Collector._ "This your boy, mum? He's too big for a 'alf ticket!" _Mother (down upon him)._ "Oh, is he? Well, p'rhaps he is now, mister; but he wasn't when we started. This 'xcursion's ever so many hours be'ind time, an' he's a growin' lad! So now!"

[_Exit in triumph._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "FORCE OF HABIT"

_Our Railway Porter (the first time he acted as deputy in the absence of the beadle)._ "T'kets r'dy! All tick-ets ready!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WHY TAKE A CHILL?

If your train is not heated by pipes, get plenty of foot-warmers, as Algy and Betty did. Sit on one, put your feet on another, a couple at your back, and one on your lap, and you'll get to your destination as they did--warm as m.u.f.fins!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Railway Porter._ "Now then, sir! by your leave!"]

IN THE HOT WEATHER TOO!

DRAMATIS PERSONae

A Choleric Old Gentleman. A Cool Young Party.

SCENE.--A Richmond Railway Carriage.

TIME.--About 12 noon.

_Choleric Old Gentleman (panting, puffing, perspiring)._ Hot, sir, tremendously hot.

_Cool Young Party._ It is warm.

_C. O. G._ Warm, sir! I call it blazing hot. Why the gla.s.s is 98 in the shade!

_C. Y. P._ Really! is that much?

_C. O. G._ Much, sir! Immense!

_C. Y. P._ Well, then, the gla.s.s is perfectly right.

_C. O. G._ Right, sir! I don't understand you, sir. What do you mean by saying it is right, sir?

_C. Y. P._ I mean that the gla.s.s is quite right to be as much in the shade as it can in this warm weather.

[_Choleric Old Gentleman collapses._

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUITE UNIMPORTANT.

_Thompson (interrogatively, to beauteous but haughty damsel, whom he has just helped to alight)._ "I beg your pardon?"

_Haughty Damsel._ "I did not speak!"

_Thompson._ "Oh--I thought you said 'Thanks'!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

"I'm afraid we shan't have this compartment to ourselves any longer, Janet." "Oh, it's all right, aunty darling. If you put your head out of window, I dare say n.o.body will come in!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SCENE AT A RAILWAY STATION