_Curate_ (_supposing that he had not been heard_). A fine morning, my good friend.

_One of his flock._ Did I say it warn't. Do you want to hargue, you beggar?

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_Lady._ "And you say you have been brought to this by your wife?"

_Tramp._ "Yuss, lidy. I got 'er three good jobs, and 'er bloomin'

independence lorst 'er the lot of 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE--_The Hall of a Country House. Guests arriving for dinner._

_Perkins_ (_the extra man who is had in to help at most dinners given in the neighbourhood--confidentially but audibly_). "Good evening, Miss Waters. There's some of that nice pudding here to-night, what last time you took twice of!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_The Bishop of Lichbury._ "Really, it's very shocking to read in the papers so many painful cases of wife-beating and a.s.sault among the labouring cla.s.ses!"

_The Rev. Mr. Simmiel._ "It is indeed, my lord. Indeed--ahem--with your lordship's permission, one might almost call them _be_labouring cla.s.ses."]

[Ill.u.s.tration:

_Parson._ "Good morning, Mrs. Stubbins. Is your husband at home?"

_Mrs. Stubbins._ "'E's 'ome, sir; but 'e 's a-bed."

_Parson._ "How is it he didn't come to church on Sunday? You know we must have our hearts in the right place."

_Mrs. Stubbins._ "Lor, sir, 'is 'eart's all right. It's 'is trowziz!"]

A POACHER'S PARADISE.--_About an hour from town._--Charming bijou residence ... _grounds adjoin a large pheasant preserve; owner going abroad._--_Advt. in "Standard."_

"A CROP EXPERT."--A professional hair-dresser.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IMPARTIAL

_New Curate_ (_who wishes to know all about his parishioners_). "Then do I understand you that your aunt is on your father's side, or your mother's?"

_Country Lad._ "Zometimes one an' zometimes the other, 'ceptin' when feyther whacks 'em both, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TRUE MODESTY

_Mr. Spinks._ "I had such a beautiful dream last night, Miss Briggs! I thought I was in the Garden of Eden----"

_Miss Briggs_ (_with simplicity_). "And did Eve appear as she is generally represented, Mr. Spinks?"

_Mr. Spinks._ "I--I--I--I--didn't look!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: PROFESSIONAL PARTNERSHIP.--_Village Organ-blower_ (_to Lady Organist, who has been trying a new voluntary_). "How did it go, marm?" "Oh, all right. Why do you ask?" "Well, marm, to tell you the truth, I was a bit nervous about it. You see, marm, I've never blowed for that piece afore!"]

FARM NOTES

_How to Winnow Corn._ _1st Method._--Get some corn. Get somebody who knows how to winnow it. Let him do it.

_2nd Method._--If _you_ know all about it, do it yourself.

_3rd Method, for Beginners, given in Agricultural Terms._ Place a steward near the blower, and let him drive the blower while the hopper is filled with a large wecht. (This is called the system of _Hopper_-ation.) Then let a woman with a small wecht slide down on a wheel crushing the blower with her shoes. This should be done in a neat, cleanly way until the sc.u.m has been swept with a besom through a wire screen, while another lot go on riddling, when it is the duty of the fanner to answer each riddle as it comes out. The fanner's chief work is, however, to prevent any labourer becoming too hot. When a labourer is very warm, he sits down before the fanner, who soon restores him to coolness.

_Treatment of Fowls in Winter._--Roast them.

_For the Volunteer-farmer in Winter._--Attend turnip drills.

_How to Pickle Pork._--Get the hog into a proper temperature. To bring this about make him swallow a small thermometer. This'll warm him. Rub him with paper dipped in oil, give him a uniform coating of barley, tar, syrup of squills, pitch, and gold tin-foil. Paint his head green with orange stripes, and by that time he'll be in a pretty pickle.

_Breakfast._--Always visit your poultry yard before breakfast. If unable to find a fresh egg, go to the cattle sheds. Remember that, where eggs cannot be obtained, a _yoke_ of fine oxen beaten up with a cup of tea is most invigorating.

[Ill.u.s.tration: POLITICAL GARDEN PARTY IN THE PROVINCES.--

_Great Lady_ (_speeding the parting guest_). "So glad you were able to come!"

_Mayoress._ "Oh, we always try to oblige!"]

AGRICULTURAL.--A South of England farmer writes to us to say, that he has an early harvest in view, as he has already got three ricks in his neck, and is doing very well.