[Ill.u.s.tration: GEOLOGY.--_Scientific Pedestrian._ "Do you find any fossils here?"

_Excavator._ "Dunno what you calls 'vossuls.' We finds nowt here but muck and 'ard work!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MUSIC ON THE WATERS.--_Parker._ "Beg pardon, my lady, but the band can't play the selection your ladyship asked for."

_Her Ladyship_ (_astonished_). "But it's in their programme!"

_Parker._ "Yes, my lady, but they can't play it till we get into still water, and _then they'll try_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE COMFORTER.--"I say, old man, I've just been down in the saloon, and they give you the finest half-crown lunch I've ever struck!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A MOOT POINT.--_Mrs. Brown_ (_on her honeymoon_). "Oh, aren't you glad, darling, we have come this delightful tour, instead of going to one of those stupid foreign places?"

[_Darling is not quite sure about it, as the hills are of terrible frequency, and, naturally, he tows his bride up every one._

[Ill.u.s.tration: BAD HABITS GROW APACE.--_Traveller_ (_whose train is due_). "Look here, I'm going to get out and walk. That brute will make me miss my train!"

_Jarvey._ "Kape still, surr. For the love av' Moses, kape still. Sure an' if the ould blayguard bates us, I'll niver get him up to the station no more!"]

THE TRAVELLERS TRICKED

(_An a propos Duologue_)

_She_ (_with resolution_). Charlie, I want to ask your pardon. I have made a mistake.

_He._ Yes, dear; which of them?

_She._ You shall not put me out by sneering. Yes, I have made a mistake; and when I make a mistake, I do not fail to acknowledge it.

_He._ Quite right, dear. Nothing like having a congenial occupation.

_She._ Charlie, we came back to town prematurely.

_He._ Yes, dear; we certainly curtailed our stay in Paris a little to allow of your purchasing that pretty bonnet.

_She._ It cost a lot of money, Charlie.

_He._ It did, dear; but I did not grudge it, as you and the shop girl said it was of the first mode and the greatest novelty in Paris.

_She._ Yes, Charlie; and I believed her.

_He._ Well, I am sure that the three or four days we cut off were well worth it, to buy the bonnet.

_She._ How good, how n.o.ble of you to say so!

_He._ Not at all; I was really glad to get back to the club. And you have your bonnet--a real genuine French bonnet! And the most Parisian shape imaginable.

_She_ (_with an effort_). The shape is not Parisian.

_He._ Not Parisian! Where does it come from?

_She._ I see from a ticket in the lining it was made in the Edgware Road.

[_Tears and curtain._

AT WINDSOR.--_American Traveller_ (_to Waiter at the "Blue Stag"_). Say, is it true that you've got a real live ghost here?

_Waiter._ Yessir. Believed to be either Cardinal Garnet Wolseley, 'Erne the 'Untsman, Queen Elizabeth, or the late King of the Belgiums.

_American Traveller._ Thanks. Send for the local reporter, if off duty in any one capacity.

SUITABLE SPOTS.--_Ware-ham_--for abstainers from pork; _Whits-table_--for facetious gourmets; _Wig-more_--for bald men; _Wig-ton_--for perruquiers; _Winfarthing_--for small gamblers; _Wo-burn_--for firemen.

[Ill.u.s.tration: NOSe IN EGITTO; OR, AUTOMOBILITY IN THE LAND OF THE SPHINX.

"One touch of _Punch_ makes the whole world kin."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A QUESTION OF PROPORTION.--_Colonel Peppercorn_ (_who is touring in France with a hired chauffeur and car, which has broken down_). "Confound it all, you say it's nothing? Then why don't you repair it?"

_Alphonse Legros._ "Mais, monsieur, pas possible, he break below! I cannot arrive there! He is only quinze centimetres from ze ground; but me--voila--I have one metre round ze chest!"]

THE SKELETON TOURIST'S VADE MEc.u.m

_Question._ What is your object this year?