_Waiter._ "Ice, sir? Yessir!"

_Traveller._ "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed, and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE--_An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy Ball._--_Globe-trotting "Bounder"_ (_newly arrived_). "You're running this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress _de rigueur_?"

_Choleric Colonel_ (_who is Ball Secretary_). "Fancy dress, sir, is not _de rigueur_, but an invitation _is_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UP COUNTRY JOYS IN INDIA.--_The Mem Sahib_ (_with a view to seasonable festivities_). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?"

_"Europe Shop" Keeper._ "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'c.o.c.kle' peel and 'beesham' peel!"]

THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE

The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to go a little farther. We want protection against:--

1. Pa.s.sengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fict.i.tiously placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will themselves occupy.

2. Pa.s.sengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fict.i.tiously placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves occupy.

3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies.

4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco.

5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut.

6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open.

7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full.

8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full.

9. Objectionable babies.

10. Objectors to babies.

And a job lot of grievances, viz.:--

11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertis.e.m.e.nts.

12. Clapham Junction.

13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds.

14. The weather.

15. Nasty smelling smoke.

16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps.

17. The increase in the income-tax.

18. The cussedness of things in general.

19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust.

If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we shall be very greatly obliged.

[Ill.u.s.tration: A TIGHT FIT

_Chorus of Girls_ (_to popular party on bank_). "Oh, do come with us, there's _plenty_ of room!"]

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"

When, after lunching sumptuously at a strange hotel in a strange part of the country, it suddenly occurs to him that he has left his purse, with all his money in it, in the mail train going North.]

AT MUNICH.--_Mr. Joddletop_ (_to travelling companion at Bierhalle_).

What they call this larger beer for I'm blessed if I know! Why, it's thinner than what I drink at home.

MR. PUNCH'S COUNTRY RAMBLES

(_With acknowledgments to the "Daily Chronicle"_)

A memorable afternoon may be spent by taking the train to Muggleton, and walking from there by way of Mudford, Sloppington, Stickborough-in-the-Marsh, Drencham, St. Swithuns, and Swillingspout to Poddleton-on-the-Slosh. The whole district is full of memories of the great Hodge family (before it migrated into the towns). Quite a number of mute, inglorious Miltons are buried in Poddleton churchyard, but a few people may still be seen in the market-place on Sat.u.r.days.

_Route of Ramble._--Alighting at Muggleton Station (too much reliance should not be placed upon the elocution of the local railway porter) leave the refreshment room resolutely on the left (as you will need to keep your intelligence clear), and proceed in a north-north-east-half-northerly direction along a winding lane, until Mudford Beacon appears in the rear. Then turn back across six meadows and a ploughed field, following alternately the bed of a stream and the right bank of the ca.n.a.l until Sloppington is reached. From there follow the boundary line between the counties of Mudshire and Slopshire as far as Stickborough: from two to seven miles further on (according to the best local computation) lies Drencham, where is a remarkable pump.

Leaving this landmark south-west-by-west, veer sharply to the left twice, and pursue a zig-zag course. If, at the twenty-second field, you are not within easy reach of Swillingspout it will be because you are incapable of following this brief chronicle. From the last-named place the nearest way to Poddleton is through the railway tunnel. It is not public, but persons have sometimes succeeded in getting through.

Poddleton is nine miles from a station, but an omnibus walks the distance occasionally, when the horse is not required for funerals or other purposes.

_Length of Ramble._--Doubtful. Has only been done in sections.