[Ill.u.s.tration: A PASTORAL REBUKE.--_First Pedestrian_ (_they've lost their way_), "Look here. This must be the east, mustn't it? There's the chancel window--that's always east; then the south must be----"

_High-Church Priest_ (_"turning up" suddenly out of the vestry_), "I beg your pardon, gentlemen, but I can't allow my church to be used for a secular purpose. You'll find an unconsecrated weatherc.o.c.k on the barn yonder!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Visitor._ "Will you tell me where I shall find a seat?"

_Verger._ "Weel, sir, there's a guid wheen veesitors in Inverness the noo: so sit whaur ye can see yer umbrella!"]

TIPS FOR TRAVELLERS

Toddlekins is anxious to take his family to Mars this summer, and inquires where he can hire a speedy balloon for the purpose. He is anxious to know whether he can obtain golf there, and also whether the roads are good for bicycling. He is recommended to apply for information to the Astronomer-Royal. But why should Toddlekins trouble to go so far afield? He would be sure to find congenial society in the neighbourhood of Hanwell, and by selecting this spot as his destination, the expense of a return ticket would be saved.

ANXIOUS MOTHER.--So glad that you intend taking your dear ten children to Poppleton-on-Sea for three weeks' change of air. And all that you tell me about Timothy's pet rabbit and Selina's last attack of measles is so deeply interesting. Unfortunately I cannot answer all your questions myself, but I will print them here, so that some of my kind readers may be able to a.s.sist you. You want to know, in regard to Poppleton--

(1) Whether the pavements (if any) are stone or asphalte.

(2) What is the mean temperature, the annual rain-fall, and the death-rate.

(3) What are the Rector's "views," and if there is a comfortable pew in the church, out of draughts, calculated to hold eleven.

(4) What time the shops at Poppleton close on Sat.u.r.days.

DUBIOUS.--As you say, it _is_ difficult to make up one's mind where to spend the holidays, because there are so many places from which to choose. And you were so wise to write and ask me to give you the name of one single place which I could thoroughly recommend, and so save you all further worry. How about Brighton, Hastings, Eastbourne, Bexhill, Seaford, Cowes, Weymouth, Exmouth, Penzance, Lynton, or Tenby? I am delighted to give you this real and valuable help!

PICNIC-PARTY.--You have my full sympathy. It is most churlish of riparian owners to refuse to allow strangers to land on their property.

Fancy any one objecting to having his lawn covered with broken bottles and paper bags!

OWNER.--I feel deeply for you. The way in which trippers on the river invade riverside gardens is outrageous. The bags and pieces of gla.s.s they leave about must be a gross disfigurement to your lawn.

[Ill.u.s.tration: INTRODUCTION MADE EASY.--_Invalid-Chair Attendant._ "If you should have a fancy for any partickler party, I can easily b.u.mp 'em."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Miss Binns_ (_breathless, hurrying to catch London train after week-end trip_). "Can you please tell me the _exact_ time?"

_Old Salt._ "'Alf ebb."]

A MOUNTAIN RAMBLER

(_By a Returned Traveller_)

I've scanned and penned an Ode on Thy snowy glories, Snowdon My honeymoon with Helen, Was spent near "dark" Helvellyn, Afar from all the _beau monde_ I've rambled round Ben Lomond, At noontide on Ben Nevis, I've roved and read _Sir Bevis_, I've stretched each tired thin limb on Thy summit, O Plinlimmon, And once I tore my breeks On Macgillycuddy's Reeks.

Those glorious mountain scalps, The tiptops of the Alps, I've seen--their pines and pa.s.ses, Their glaciers and creva.s.ses-- With fools, philosophers and wits, I've scrambled up the Ortler Spitz, Made sketches on St. Gothard, Like Turner and like Stothard, And with my _cara sposa_ Ascended Monte Rosa: But not content with Europe, I've roamed with staff and new rope As far away as Ararat, Where _savants_ say there's ne'er a rat; The Kuen Lun and Thian Shan I know as well as any man; I've boiled my evening kettle On Popocatapetl, And on the highest Andes I've sodas mixed and brandies; I've slumbered snug and cosey On silvery Potosi; I've stood on Peter Botto, A rather lonely spot; And--crowning feat of all My mountaineerings on this ball-- I've smoked--O weed for ever blest!

My pipe upon Mount Everest.

And now my ramble's over, Here's Shakspeare's Cliff and Dover!

All Alpine risks and chances, All Ultramontane fancies, I've put away and done with; I'll stay my wife and son with, And never more will roam From Primrose Hill and home.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Visitor to the District_ (_who has missed his way_). "Can you tell me, my good man, if I shall pa.s.s the 'Red Lion' inn along this road?"

_The Village Toper._ "Oi wouldn't like to be saying wut a gen'leman loike ye wud be doin'; but Oi'm parfect sartin Oi shouldn't!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUEEN'S HOTEL, AMBLESIDE, 3 O'CLOCK, A.M.--"Tom!" (_No response._) "I say, Tom!" (_No answer._) "Tom!" (_A m.u.f.fled grunt._) "Tom--Fire!"

"Eh? What? What do you say?"

"I say Tom, do you think your key will fit my bag?"

"_No_--'t won't--Chubb!"

[_Objurgations, and midnight disturber retires._

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR COMPATRIOTS ABROAD.--"And how did you like Switzerland?"

"Oh, immensely! It was our first visit, you know!"

"And did you go on into Italy?"

"Well, no. We found a hotel at Lausanne where there was a first-rate tennis-lawn, you know--quite as good as ours at home. So we spent the whole of our holiday there, and played lawn-tennis all day long."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AGGRAVATING FLIPPANCY

_The Professor_ (_who has just come back from the North Pole)._ "---- and the fauna of these inhospitable regions is as poor as the flora! You couldn't name a dozen animals who manage to live there."

_Mrs. Malapert._ "Oh--I dare say I could!"

_The Professor._ "Really--what _are_ they?"

_Mrs. Malapert._ "Well, now--five polar bears, let us say, and--and seven seals!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _First Traveller._ "Can we have beds here to-night?"