[Ill.u.s.tration: A difficult pa.s.s]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A kneesy climb]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A smiling valley]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A magnificent gorge]

BY THE SILVER SEA.--_Seaside. Tripper--none too clean in appearance--charters bathing machine. Smart-looking schoolboy_ (_about to enter next machine_), _loq._ I say, ma, I wish that dirty fellow wouldn't bathe here.

_Mamma._ Why, Tommy? If people of that sort were to bathe, they'd be as clean as you, you know.

_Tommy_ (_eyeing Tripper closely_). Not in once, mamma!

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN APPRECIATION

(_Train entering Venice_)

_Fair American._ "Waal, I guess this is where the Adriatic slops over!"]

SUMMER RESORTS

DREARDON-c.u.m-SLOOZE.

Spring weather, in pleasing variety of sun and snow-shower, now prevails in this highly fla--favoured locality. Mr. Josiah Jorker, Chairman of the Rural District Council here, has bought four black Berkshire pigs, and to lean over the yard gate and inspect them is now a regular afternoon occupation. Discussion as to their merits runs high amongst our local magnates. Situate as this health-giving village is, it offers to the tired brain-worker complete rest, as there is no railway station within six miles, and only the day-before-yesterday's newspaper is obtainable.

CHAWBOODLEc.u.m.

A fine bracing N.E. wind has dried the roads, and, amongst the aged and sick, made a clearance, thoroughly in accord with the "survival of the fittest" doctrine. Trade has never been more brisk with the local undertaker and the much-respected s.e.xton. The cricket club opens its season to-day with a match against the neighbouring village of Sludgely.

A "Sing-Song," or "Free and Easy," is held every Sat.u.r.day night at the "Pig and Puppy-Dog," at which well-known hostelry visitors can find every accommodation.

SLACKINGTON.

In this genial and mild air, where a steady, gentle rain falls on very nearly every day in the year, the Londoner, fleeing from the trying east winds of Spring, may find a welcome refuge. It is quite a pretty sight on Sundays to watch the people with their different coloured waterproofs stream out of church. There is a rumour that the present supply of cabs will shortly be augmented by one, if not two, fresh vehicles. On Monday last a German band played a charming selection of music in the market place, and there was a dog-fight in the High Street.

PORKBURY.

This charming spot only requires to be known, to insure plenty of patronage from visitors. The new pump is being pushed forward rapidly, and the Vicar intends to hold jumble sales once a week throughout the summer. This, in itself, will, it is expected, prove a great attraction.

Police-Constable Slummers, whose urbanity and great consideration for the inhabitants (especially on Sat.u.r.day nights) have always been so conspicuous, is about to leave, and some of the more prominent townsmen have taken the opportunity of marking their sense of his valuable services by presenting him with a handsome pewter pot, engraved with his name and the date.

A piano-organist now regularly attends the weekly market, and his music is greatly appreciated by those engaged in buying and selling.

At the Farmer's Eighteenpenny Ordinary, last week, Mr. Chumpjaw stated that his mangolds were "the whackin'est big 'uns" grown in the county.

AT BOULOGNE.--_Mrs. Sweetly_ (_on her honeymoon_). Isn't it funny, Archibald, to see so many foreigners about? And all talking French!

PATRON SAINT OF MESSRS. COOK.--St. Martin of "Tours."

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Englishman_ (_to friend_). "There goes that awful liar, who says he has climbed everything under the sun."

_Friend._ "Don't call him a liar. Rather say he has a great talent for exaggerating things that never happened."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A PLEASANT UNCERTAINTY.--_Gigantic Guide._ "Ze last party zat was 'ere--no one knew whezzer zey _shumped_ over or was _thrown_ over!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A SLIGHT "MALONGTONGDEW"

_Angelina._ "There are to be illuminations and fireworks, and they're to finish up with an 'ombrasmong general.' What can that be?"

_Edwin._ "Well, 'omba.s.ser' means to 'kiss'; so I suppose it means a kind of a sort of a general kissing all round."

_Angelina._ "Horrid idea! I won't go near the place, and I'm sure you shan't, Edwin!"

[Our readers, who know French better than E. and A., are aware that embras.e.m.e.nt, with only one "s," has a totally different meaning.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HONEYMOONING IN PARIS.--_Mrs. Jones._ "Am I not an expensive little wifie?"

_Jones_ (_who has spent the morning and a small fortune at the Magasin du Louvre_). "Well, you _are_ a little dear!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: QUID PRO QUO.--_Madame Gaminot._ "Oh yes, Monsieur Jones, J'_adore_ les Anglais! Zey understand bisnesse! For example, zey pay me sixty pound--fifteen 'undred franc--to sing 'La Blanchisseuse du Tambour-Major' at a evening party! It seem a great deal! But zey laugh, and zey say, 'Oh, sharmong! Oh, ravissong!' and it mek everybody sink zat everybody else know French--it almost mek zem sink zat zey know it zemselfs!!! ca vaut bien quinze cents francs, j'espere!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Tourist_ (_at small Irish inn, miles from anywhere_).

"Look here, what does this mean? I left my boots out last night, and they haven't been touched."

_Landlord_ (_with honest pride_). "Thrue for ye, sorr! An' begorr', if ye'd left your _gowld watch an' chain_ out, div'l a sowl wud 'a touched them nayther!"]