[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUTIOUS

_Visitor_ (_at out-of-the-way Inn in the North_). "Do you know anything about salmon-poaching in the neighbourhood?"

_Landlady_ (_whose son is not above suspicion_). "Eh--no, sir. Maybe it's a new style of cooking as we haven't heard of in these parts, as you see, sir, we only do our eggs that way; and"--(_brightening up_)--"if you like 'em, I can get you a dish at once!"]

THE SEVEN AGES OF LUGGAGE

_Baby._ Perambulator, bottle, robe, fingerless gloves and woollen shoes.

_Schoolboy._ Bat, ball, and aids to education.

_Lover._ Guitar, music-book, writing materials, and fur-lined overcoat.

_Justice._ Capon in basket, robes, and treatise upon ancient saws and modern instances.

_Soldier._ Sword, uniform case, standard work upon Reputation.

_Pantaloon._ Sausages, property red-hot poker, costume of motley, slippers and spectacle case.

_Veteran._ Travels without luggage.

A GREAT TRAVELLER.--Dr. Watts was evidently in the habit of making pedestrian excursions on the Continent, for in one of his n.o.blest lines, he expressly says--

"Whene'er I take my walks abroad."

INNOCENT ABROAD.--You are misled in your view that the _Cours de Cuisine_, mentioned in the prospectus of a French school, means the run of the kitchen.

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE SWISS HIGHLANDS.--_Brown._ "This is rather a pretty figure. You start on the left foot, cut a drop three--then----"

(_b.u.mp_)

_Little Girl_ (_unmoved_). "Oh, _that's_ why it's called a drop three, Mr. Brown!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Photographer_ (_on tour, absent-mindedly_). "Now smile, please!"]

AT THE CELESTIAL RESTAURANT.--_Customer_ (_indignantly_). Hi! waiter, what do you call this soup?

_Waiter_ (_meekly_). I not know, sir, but ze padrone tell me to describe 'im c.o.c.kstail!

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Traveller_ (_snap-shotting tropical river, suddenly confronted by hippopotamus_). "Just keep like that one moment, please!"

(_Rapturously_) "Such a delightful expression!"]

NOTE BY OUR TRAVELLER--At a station on the Elham Valley Line, "Kentish Pianos" are advertised. Are these adapted for playing only dance tunes, and therefore specially serviceable in a "Hop" county?

EASTER HOLIDAYS

(_By One who has tried them_)

Must really decide where to go for five or six days at Easter. Weather always awful. Usual Springtime. North-east wind, frost, snow and dust.

Something like last week. Can't stop in London. One Sunday or Bank Holiday in London mournful enough. But four of them consecutively!

Impossible!

Innocent persons go to the south coast of England, thinking that fifty miles nearer the equator one is in quite a different climate.

Bournemouth? Bosh! All sandy dust and depressing invalids. Torquay?

Twaddle! Probably rain all the time, if not snow. England no good.

Scotland or Ireland? Worse!

Must go, as people say vaguely, "abroad." How about Paris? North-east wind, frost, snow and dust, worse than here. Streets windy, theatres draughty, cafes and restaurants suffocating. Brussels? Nothing but rain.

Aix-les-Bains? Probably snow. Nice? That might do. No frost or snow, but very likely a north-east wind and certainly lots of dust. Besides, thirty hours' journey out and thirty hours' journey back, would only leave about sixty hours there. No good. Rome, Seville, Constantinople, Cairo? Still farther. Should have to leave on the return journey before I arrived. Where can I go to at Easter to be warm and comfortable, without so much trouble? I know. To bed!

REGARDLESS OF THE TEMPERATURE.--_Facetious Australian_ (_off Calshot Castle, to indisposed friend_). What arm of the sea reminds one of a borrowed boot?

_The "I. F."_ (_feebly_). Give it--anything--up.

_F. A._ Why, the _Sole-lent_, to be sure.

[_The "I. F." is promptly carried below._

AT BATH.--_Wiffling_ (_sympathetically_). Here on account of the waters?

_Piffling._ No, unhappily. Here on account of the whiskies.

"A QUESTION OF THE HOUR."--Asking a railway porter the time of the next train's departure for your holiday resort.