You would think the way-far-out-there girl is the one being most herself, and that is sometimes true. The job of the mom is to make sure she isn't using her I'm-not-like-anybody-else status as a shield against hurt feelings. A nine-year-old friend of mine told me she wanted to be weird. When I asked her how she thought she was weird, she said she didn't know, she just wanted to be. A little more probing revealed that she wasn't where the other girls in her fourth grade class were in terms of clothes, boys (boys?), and "stuff" (iPods, Webkinz collections, etc.). Since keeping up was the only way to be accepted, and she had no hope of doing that, or actually any desire, she'd decided to just "be weird" and act as if she wouldn't be a part of the non-weird crowd if they begged her to. If you're sure your daughter is only pretending to be a "freak show," you can help her find and get comfortable with her normal.

First get her to spend time doing things the rest of the family does, as well as her own "thing." Raking leaves, topping pizzas, playing board games, helping with the grocery shopping, cheering for a basketball team-those kinds of communal activities at home can give her the sense of belonging there that she can take into her world. The idea that "I'm good enough to belong in this group" will get her a long way.

Talk to her about what it takes to be a part of things in her world. Then address whether she really wants to fulfill those expectations. Ask her if she's going so far in the other direction so she won't have to risk trying and failing. Could she gather other girls around her who don't want to be tween clones either and enjoy them?

Don't tell her she's right and "they" are wrong. But don't try to convince her she needs to either conform or hush up about it because that's the way the world is, either. The truth is somewhere between those two extremes: conforming enough to get along, yet still maintaining her unique identity.

There is a very good chance that your daughter really is a breed apart. How cool is that, really? My daughter was-still is!-one of those, and although it was hard for her at times, the struggle to maintain her individuality without becoming a social leper made her both a unique and a compassionate young woman. I would suggest: talking about why people don't get her and practicing with her ways she could respond that would not only make her less of a "weirdo" in other people's eyes but would allow her to share her gifts and talents.

teaching her to respect other people's right to be "normal"; just because the other girls aren't artists, computer geeks, or experts on life during the Civil War doesn't mean they're shallow.

helping her find other girls she has things in common with.

letting her know it's okay to be like everybody else in some ways.

helping her see that in the future, it will be more and more okay to be "different," but be aware that middle school is the most painful place to live outside the box.

pointing out that in the future, as her social circle expands, she is also more likely to find other people who share her personality or interests and who themselves were probably labeled "different" too.

You know you're more than moderately protective.

If your heretofore non-whiner is complaining that all the other moms are letting their daughters post on an age-appropriate blog, stay home for ten minutes by themselves, or go to a sleepover without an affidavit on the parents of every girl who's going to be there, that could be a sign that it's time to look at your protectiveness quotient. The amount of overseeing you need to do does change over time, but the entrance to the tween years happens without a lot of fanfare, so you may not have noticed that your daughter can handle a little more freedom and trust than when she was six or seven. The key, I think, is to ask yourself: Have I made this rule for me, or for her?

For example: Not letting her surf the Net at will is totally for her safety; not letting her get on the Internet at all saves you the trouble of setting parental controls and monitoring the sites she visits.

Making sure you know the parents of the girls she's spending the night with may eliminate issues she's not ready to deal with; making a rule against all sleepovers saves you the time and maybe the awkwardness of talking to people you don't know.

Only letting her spend time with boys in groups allows her to learn to be friends with the opposite sex without undue drama; prohibiting her from even thinking about boys (like you can really enforce that...) lets you think your little girl isn't growing up.

If you can loosen the reins here and there, self-confidence and realness will blossom in your daughter. You are, after all, trusting her in areas where she's shown a desire to be trusted. Tell her she's earned that from you, and she probably won't abuse it. If she does, the consequences are built in: she loses the privilege. And meanwhile, you don't have to micromanage.

You're afraid not to have a rule for everything.

And she is pushing the envelope on every one of them! Rules are meant to let kids know their limits, which in turn makes them feel secure. When a tween girl makes noises about how "un-FAIR-er" a rule is, she no longer feels secure-she feels like she's in lockdown. Then it's time to take a look at whether she really still needs to follow that rule.

Try making a list of all the rules you have for her. All of them.

Decide which ones are no longer necessary by using this rule of thumb: What would the consequences be if I let her decide that for herself?

Let's say the rule is: Bedtime is 8:30. If you let her determine what time she turns out the light, mornings are going to turn into Dante's Third Circle, she'll be falling asleep at her desk, and she'll get every illness that comes around. That rule is a keeper. But depending on her personality, you might let her stay up late a few times just to show her how non-functional she is without the proper rest. Doing so shows her that your rules have good reason behind them-and clues her in on the self-care she's going to take on someday anyway (more on that in chapter 8, "The Care and Feeding of a Tween").

How about: Bedroom doors must be left open. If you let her determine when she wants her door open and when she needs privacy just to think and dream and be, she'll experience healthy freedom and be less cranky and, actually, less secretive. A compromise might be: Bedroom doors must be left unlocked but everyone will knock before entering, and explain that that's for safety reasons. The same rule will, of course, apply to your door.

You might want to announce the elimination of rules one at a time so you'll have a chance to see how decision-making is working. Praise for good handling of choices is always an excellent idea. Letting her learn from not-so-wise choices is an even better one. After all, you already know the consequences aren't dire.

One more thing: Too-stringent rules set us up for failure, as Paul points out in Romans 8. In chapter 7 he talks about the conundrum of not doing this right thing over here that he really wants to, but doing this wrong thing over here that he really doesn't want to. In chapter 8, he offers a solution: focus on God, rather than on following rules. The law code, he says in verse 3, could never set the "disordered mess of struggling humanity...right once and for all." Through Christ, God did that by showing us how to "embrace what the Spirit is doing in us" (verse 4) and in that way overcome the control of sin.

So-in addition to the necessary regulations for running a household-thou shalt put a new roll on if thou usest the last of the toilet paper-there can be discussion of what Jesus would do in a situation-or how God's people in the Bible approached tough problems-or how God's love makes you want to behave. Your daughter will be able to say not just "I follow the rules," but "I know how to do what's right."

She has an abundance of scheduled after-school activities.

Some girls may thrive on that, so how do you know if she's doing too much? These are common signs that it's time to re-examine her schedule: She acts tired long before bedtime on a regular basis. Tween girls usually have to be marshaled into bed unless they've had a big soccer game or dance recital or day at Disney World. Ongoing fatigue isn't normal.

She's cranky more often than not. Cranky is for tired toddlers and angsty teenagers. The tween years are naturally upbeat ones, unless there's something going on.

She comes up with excuses not to participate in activities, even ones she picked out. Their boundless energy usually makes tweens up for anything, but even the most wound-up have their limits.

She complains of physical ailments that magically disappear when she has some free time. She may not be "faking it"-her body is probably rebelling against overuse.

The problem is that the thought of not doing the things her friends are all involved in may be monstrous in her mind. You are the perfect one to help her get that in perspective. I suggest having her look at her list of commitments and talk about which ones she actually enjoys. If there are any that aren't personally fun for her, but her BFFs are all there, count up with her the number of hours she still has with her besties even without tap dancing class or the guitar lessons they take together. Tell her you'll help arrange some fun gigs with her buds-because she'll have more time for just hanging out together.

"Me and my friends like to do this thing when we have sleepovers where we totally change who we are just to see how it feels. Like, my one friend, she's not girly at all, but she let us put makeup on her and curl her hair and teach her a cheer. She's still a tomboy but sometimes she wears a bracelet now or something like that and nobody says, 'That's not you. You play soccer.' I love that we did that."

age 11 While we're on the subject of extracurricular activities, don't be concerned if she changes her mind a lot about what she wants to do. One of my nieces requires her daughter to choose one activity per semester to do after school. It is never the same from one season to the next. Now eleven, she's played T-ball and soccer. She's won medals in swimming and has currently moved on to basketball. After experiencing the dance world, she chose to take part in a sewing course. My niece is not concerned that her daughter will never be able to stick to anything. Uh, she's eleven years old. And she loves church, her friends, and playing with her baby brother, none of which she shows any signs of wanting to give up. She's one of the most well-rounded, best-adjusted tween girls I know (even taking into account the familial bias!). My niece's advice: Don't buy equipment; just rent it.

It's natural and healthy for your daughter to want to "try on" versions of herself, even in her unscheduled time. One day she's climbing trees, the next she wants to wear pearls to school. She doesn't have as many opportunities to do that if she's always doing some kind of structured activity that limits exploration. I'm certainly not saying dump everything, because things like sports instill so many valuable qualities. But so does learning what to do with unstructured time.

You might think she'll be bored, and at first she may claim to be. That's the time to suggest ways for her to explore the options. Do you have a dress-up box she and her friends can go nuts with? Assign them to come up with three totally different looks and model them for you. Got a mishmash of art supplies? Bring them all out and challenge her (and her BFFs) to draw or paint three different "Future Lives" each. Want to get her off the couch? Turn off the TV, present her with a stack of magazines, and have her make a collage of anything active that appeals to her. Encourage the kind of "pretending" she did as a little girl, updated for tweendom, and see how that plays out in her freedom to experiment with who she might be.

Above all, try not to let what other people are going to think interfere with allowing your daughter some free time. When another mother says, "Aren't you afraid she'll fall behind?" smile and offer her another piece of chocolate.

If you're still not convinced, look at your own stress level. According to Elium and Elium, authors of Raising a Daughter, one of the most common complaints from parents of tween girls is having to be "on the go all the time."6 Consider all of that stress, along with the million other things you're doing, and then ask yourself, "Would I love to ditch about half that stuff and have a chance to enjoy a cup of coffee someplace other than the car?" You will do a great service not only to yourself but to your daughter if you teach her how to slow down, spend time alone, and pace her activities.7

You've realized your expectations might be unrealistic.

How to back off of that? In a different way than you might think: Don't compare her to other girls her age-even in your own thoughts. Let her be perfectly good enough for you.

Don't pigeonhole her. A lot of girls her age are in love with horses, sports, and that one sweatshirt they don't want to take off long enough for you to launder it. Those same girls also come alive when you take them out for tea, let them choose a toenail polish (no matter how hideous you may think Petrified Purple is), teach them how to knit, or give them free rein to set the table. The only thing you can really expect is for a tween girl to be ready to try anything, especially if she hasn't already been told she'll never be girly or she's too much of a klutz to ever enjoy athletics. The jury is still out on who she'll become. Quite frankly, I think the jury is always out. (Just this year, at fifty-seven, I took surfing lessons and learned to water ski, bookworm klutz that I am. Was.) Check out what you expect of yourself (i.e., flawless appearance, impeccable housekeeping, conflict-free relationships, sin-free Christian walk, and perfectly behaved children) and don't project that onto your daughter. Lighten up on yourself some and it'll be more natural to let up on her too.

You're afraid she's not fitting in.

This applies to the mother of the late bloomer, the early blossomer, the super smart, the uncannily gifted, and the simply quirky. The first thing to ask yourself is whether she's the one who's unhappy and not you. Not every girl wants a gang of friends. They don't all covet a place in the spotlight, even if you did. Your daughter may actually be rejecting the shallowness she sees around her, and she could be content with a friend or two that she feels close to. If she truly doesn't seem to be bothered by not belonging to the in crowd, you shouldn't be either!

If she's showing indications of being completely friendless and unhappy, if you're seeing her being totally left out, that's another matter. If it is the case, be the voice that confirms that who she truly is is okay. Then you can help her determine and fix behaviors that put people off (which we'll talk about in a later chapter), but support her essence with your voice and she'll develop a voice of her own.

Whatever you do, don't try to make her like everybody else-let her have her rough edges and her funky quirks and her off-the-wall preferences within the limits of manners, safety, and morals. After all, a vanilla life is not what we want for our daughters. Mint chocolate chip is so much more interesting.

She suffers an undue amount of teasing from her fellow siblings.

Some teasing is normal among brothers and sisters, but don't allow other kids in the family to tease her or criticize her for being who she is or trying to discover who she is. Standing up for her will show her that you're her ally in this. That isn't the same as taking sides. Be clear about rules of respect for everyone, including her, which might include: If teasing isn't fun for both the giver and the receiver, knock if off. Stop means stop.

No putting down somebody's idea. You can disagree without disrespecting the person.

Name-calling is strictly forbidden.

The following words are taboo when used on each other: dumb, lame, stupid, loser, gay, weird, and retarded.

I'm not opposed to charging a penalty every time a rule is broken, but genuine apologies and, of course, changed behavior, are the real goal.

For any tween daughter, no matter how confident and well-adjusted she may be, the best thing you can do for her as her mom is to be a role model for authenticity. Value your own individuality. Live a life that proclaims "This is me!" even as you practice kindness, consideration, compassion, and an acceptance of other people's uniqueness-especially your daughter's. Don't forget: she's watching.

Bridging the Gap.

Most Gracious God, my heart aches over the obstacles that stand in the way of being all you've made her to be every minute of her young life. Please forgive me for any I've created myself, including . Most of all, please, bridge the gap between the blocks to herself that she has to knock down and my ability to teach her how. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.

PART 2.

Well, I Think You're Beautiful.

What It Looks Like.

She has always been, shall we say, "casual" about her appearance. It's been a fight since age two to get her into the bathtub, and hair brushing has only been accomplished under the threat of permanent grounding. Not that she doesn't want to be adorable. She thought she already was, because everybody from her grandmother to the clerk at the supermarket has told her so. She has always been ready to grin for a camera, slip into her swimsuit, and don the ridiculous party hat for anybody's birthday.

And then one day she comes out of the bathroom, tears brimming, and says, "I hate my clothes. My hair is stupid. And I never smell good!"

The tears become out-and-out sobbing, and you are left momentarily speechless. When you finally do think of something to say to comfort her, it's along the lines of, "Honey, it's okay. I think you're beautiful."

That's apparently wrong, because she glares up at you, face blotchy, eyes swollen, soul smashed, and says, "You have to say that. You're my mother!"

The crying crescendos, a door may slam, and you are left wondering, What just happened?

Those were the sounds of a tween daughter discovering that "beauty" is one more thing she has to freak out over.

Your own mini-woman can be anywhere on a continuum of beauty awareness that is considered "normal" for the eight-to-twelve age group: Couldn't care less about her appearance yet. She may never be all about her looks, but the realization that they at least matter will kick in sometime.

Still thinks it's fun to shop for clothes and get dressed up for events, but usually comes home from said occasions looking like she hasn't seen a brush or, for that matter, a mirror all day. (I recall that about myself in fourth grade, when I overheard one of the Pretty Girls remarking, "Nancy Naylor never combs her hair.") Shows signs of self-consciousness about her appearance (wants to constantly wear a hat, perhaps) but is just as self-conscious doing anything about it (refuses a new haircut because people might look at her).

Has become fixated on her appearance and is asking when she can wear makeup and try on a pair of heels.

Obviously thinks she is the cutest little chicky-woman who has ever lived and has already taken on the role of femme fatale.

Is obsessed with her own ugliness, convinced she is bag-over-the-head hideous.

Wherever your little beauty falls on that gamut of possibilities, certain beauty issues are cropping up in her world. It is normal for her to: want to look like her friends (a phenomenon we've already discussed).