Celebrate Woman's Day.

I wish I could take credit for this one, but I actually saw it on The Cosby Show years ago. When Rudy started her period for the first time, Claire asked her what she wanted to do for "Woman's Day" to celebrate this important transition in her life. Rudy didn't see what there was to be happy about, which was exactly her mom's point. You can get bogged down by the mechanics of using a pad and the worry over whether there's going to be spillage right there in Language Arts and forget what the happening itself means in a girl's life. Whether you plan ahead or let it be spontaneous, go out for high tea or share a bowl of popcorn at home, it can be a tender time for both of you and allow her first period to be less anxiety producing. Needless to say, you won't want to announce to her brothers that Hannah has started her period so you're taking her to Baskin Robbins.

Have a myth-busting session.

Sleepovers are veritable smorgasbords of misinformation about puberty. Can't you remember hearing over a bowl of Skittles that a dentist can tell if you're on your period or that a tampon can get lost up in your body? When girls gather in groups with the lights out and the parents out of earshot, they're obviously going to go straight to what's on their minds. But where on earth do they get this stuff? The problem is that they take everything their BFFs say as gospel, and it's up to you to set them straight.

Rather than tell your daughter that she-and her BFF-don't know what they're talking about, sit down with her sometime when the two of you are alone, grab snacks and pen and paper, and together make a list of all the things she's heard about puberty and periods that didn't come from you. You can make a game out of busting the ones that are myths or just laugh over them. ("A boy can tell you're on your period by your breath? Are you kidding? In the first place, he would have to get past his own breath to even smell yours, and besides that..." You get the idea.)

Have a menstrual memories session.

If your daughter has other adult women in her life that both you and she trust-grandmothers, aunts, grown cousins, family friends-you might get two or three of them together with your daughter over tea and share menstrual memories. Their most embarrassing period moments. What their moms told them about girl stuff. What advice they have for her about changing into a young woman. You know whether this would work for your daughter or plunge her into a pit of embarrassment. Obviously you'll want to ask her beforehand if this sounds good to her. If it's done right, most tween girls love the idea of officially becoming One of the Women.

Encourage a sisterhood.

When Marijean was in her tweens, she developed a friendship with two sisters who, like her, loved dreaming and imagining and creating and being authentic in ways they felt they couldn't be in front of Heidi and the Heinous Ones. Their bond was formed while making masks and pots and hats at their house (the chances of that happening under my roof were practically nil!) and writing plays and producing, directing, and starring in them at ours.

When the oldest of the three started her period, the bond took on a deeper, richer feel, as they marked every new development-getting bras, shaving legs, wearing deodorant-and helped each other over the inevitable bumps-comfort for cramps, rescue from being padless when somebody's period started in PE, a united front in the face of teasing over Mairin's well-developed breasts and Marijean's height and Chamaea's precocious maturity. Their sisterhood carried them through middle school and high school, and later through marriages, pregnancies, miscarriages, and cancer scares. Today, in their late twenties and early thirties, they continue to make their way into the fullness of their beings, with each other to hold them up, coax them forward, and celebrate the progress.

The sisterhood took on a life of its own that neither their mother nor I predicted. But once we saw in the beginning how in tune they were with each other, she and I did all we could to foster the threesome. You can do the same by calling your daughter's healthy relationship with her circle of friends a sisterhood and encouraging them to share the experiences and anxieties and joys of going through puberty.

Suggest ground rules-no spreading each other's personal information around, no teasing, no comparing to each other. Ask them if they've decided how they're going to deal with teasing from other people, especially boys, or if they have a plan for helping each other if somebody's period starts at school, or if they've made a formal promise to be there for each other when things get confusing or scary.

We need relationships with other women to keep us from becoming isolated with our hang-ups and our anxieties, and we're adults. Still-fragile tween girls need them just as much, if not more. Since we are the ones with the influence, not to mention the wheels, I think we have a responsibility to help get them there and suggest ways to solidify the sisterhood for the adventures to come.

Introduce the Boy Manifesto.

One of the most important things a sisterhood can decide is how they're going to behave around boys. You can set them up for that by providing your daughter and her friends with a time and a space (devoid of young males and other curious onlookers) for creating a Boy Manifesto. Have your daughter tell her BFFs to come with advice they've gathered on the subject from wise people (especially dads). Once they've assembled, they can make a list of situations they could run into with the male of the species (such as, "a boy teasing you to be mean," "a boy teasing you for fun"-there's a complete list on page 106 of Body Talk). Using the advice they've brought with them, the Bible, and other reliable sources, they can discuss how they'll handle each situation and write it down as part of a manifesto. "If a boy teases me just for fun and it doesn't annoy me, I'll tease back." "If a boy teases me to be mean, I will first remember he isn't telling the truth about me." And so forth. You're around on the periphery in case an issue comes up they don't have an answer for, with art supplies so everyone can make a creative copy to keep. You can also tell them that now that they have a plan, they won't be caught by surprise and can relax and enjoy friendships with boys, knowing that they are mini-women who make good choices. Prayer is a fitting end to that session (and don't forget to pray for those precious boys, who wouldn't write a Girl Manifesto even if you threatened them with house arrest!).

Bridging the Gap

Dear God, Father of our bodies as well as our souls, thank you for the gift of womanhood you've given to me and to . In the midst of the confusion and the worry and the excitement and the joy and the doubt she's experiencing, please bridge the gap between the wisdom I have to share and the wisdom she needs to hear. I ask this in the name of your Son, who gave his body for us. Amen.

8.

The Care and Feeding of a Tween

[The one] who has clean hands and a pure heart...will receive blessing from the Lord.

Psalm 24:4-5 NIV "I finally got the nerve to ask my mom about deodorant, and she said not until I'm older. I don't think I can fight back, but I really need it. I stink!"

age 11 There were times when Marijean was eight and nine when I would look at her and think, Do people who don't know me wonder if she even has a mother? The straggly hair with the knot in the back, the baggy sweatshirts, and the raggedy fingernails would make anyone consider the possibility that she might be an orphan. Those were also the days when Jim and I were so involved in our new theatrical ventures, meals were always catch-as-catch-can, her homework was often done backstage during a dress rehearsal, and we were setting a pretty poor example of rest, balance, and control over stress. Still, she seemed to be doing fine.

But then her fourth grade teacher told us-quite diplomatically, so I really have to hand it to her-that Marijean could be doing far better than she was academically and socially if, perhaps, she had a bit more "normal" schedule. I took a good long look at my child-and couldn't understand why no one had called social services.

Okay, so that's an exaggeration. She wasn't neglected, and to this day she says some of the happiest moments of her childhood were spent sleeping in costume bins and eating Happy Meals in the scene shop. But her dad and I both realized that while we were attentive to her emotional and spiritual needs, we tended to let some of the physical basics slide. There weren't enough veggies in her diet. She didn't always get to bed at a decent hour. She definitely wasn't getting enough exercise. And "Didn't you just wear that shirt yesterday?" was a question too often asked as she was dashing out the door for school.

We focused on remedying that, with fairly good success, though we never could get her to quit biting her fingernails, and as for neatness in her room...we just closed the door and called for all dishes when we could no longer set the table. But I have often pondered what would have happened if that astute teacher hadn't called it to our attention that our daughter needed better care and feeding.

Even if you aren't caught up in a career that makes you forget to do the laundry or get fiber into your daughter's diet, it's easy to let the basics slide. For one thing, we tend to think of tween-age kids as being somewhat self-feeding and self-cleaning. They can make a sandwich. You no longer have to stand over them in the bathtub for fear they'll drown. Most of them stay fairly healthy during these years. It certainly isn't like when they were babies and you had to be all about the vitamins and the regular feedings and the constant washing of the pacifier so they wouldn't suck up germs. And with all the puberty issues to focus on, it's easy to forget that your daughter's still a child and needs a bedtime, a daily bath, and a balanced diet-and that she isn't going to get all of that on her own.

Fortunately, this is one of the easier parts of raising a tween daughter-I mean, compared to talking about periods and comforting her when she doesn't know who she is and you don't either. It may also be one that benefits your whole family, as it did us. I know I took better care of myself when I started taking better care of my daughter. Let's look at the areas of most importance for your healthy, vibrant, world-at-her-fingertips tween girl.

Getting Clear

My talks with pediatricians and child development specialists, as well as my own experience, have brought four main tween needs to the surface. You'll see that they're actually things every body needs, but I've tried to pinpoint how they apply specifically to an eight- to twelve-year-old girl.

She needs to be clean.

Those hormones of puberty change not only the way her body looks and functions, but the way it smells too. General body odor, the less-than-delightful aroma of the underarms, and stinky feet can all become issues. Female hormones increase the amount of sweat a tween girl produces, and with millions of those little glands in her body, that can be a lot of perspiration when she's hot, active, or nervous-all of which she probably is a large percentage of the time. The sweat glands in her underarms and between her legs become active for the first time during puberty, although it isn't the sweat itself that causes the not-so-lovely scent, but the bacteria living on her skin in those warm, dark places that break down the sweat and cause odor.

Feet can have their own special brand of yuckiness, especially if a girl spends most of her day in tennis shoes and socks. Foot fungus may also make its first appearance during this time, athletes being at particular risk.

And then there's the breath. There was nothing sweeter than that baby-girlfriend breath she used to have, even when she first woke up. Now the foods she eats-which contain onions and garlic and other things that weren't in her preschool diet-combined with bacteria can make mouthwash a serious option now.

Finally-and this I didn't know until I consulted a stylist for tween beauty tips-"The glands in their little scalps also sweat now. That can cause a sour smell if they don't wash their hair almost every day."1 While nowhere in the Bible does it actually say that cleanliness is next to godliness, we'd have to have olfactory damage not to know that it's at least socially challenging to go around smelling like dirty laundry. Sweat is a good thing because when it evaporates, the skin cools down and it removes toxins from the body. But other kids aren't thinking about that when they curl their lips and wrinkle their noses in the middle of the vocabulary test and say, "Who smells? Is it you? It is you! Gross me out and make me icky!"

At the same time that the sweat glands are going into high gear, so are the ones that produce oil. In some girls they really get going, causing clogs of dead cells and oil that become infected and-presto-pimples. Although a tween doesn't break out because she's "dirty," a skin care regime helps-and a face full of acne does not when she's already self-conscious about her appearance. Again, her peers may not be kind, and the nickname "Pizza Face" cuts to the heart.

The oil glands going to town on her skin can also pump up in her scalp, making her hair look greasy even if she skips one day of shampooing. Two days and it's matted to her head. Few things make her feel less attractive and "gross," unless it's the teasing about being a "Grease Ball." I'm telling you, it gets ugly out there in Tweenland.

She needs to be active.

You're already aware of the benefits of physical exercise for adults, and I'm sure you know the same is true for tweens. Exercise gives them energy and staying power, helps them sleep, makes their muscles stronger and more flexible, gets their eyes sparkling and their skin glowing, lessens their chance of becoming overweight, and evens out their moods. (That last one alone is enough to make you want to buy her a gym membership...) Girls need to move around for other reasons as well. Developing physical competence boosts their self-esteem, giving them a healthy can-do attitude and warding off peer abuse. Team sports teach important lessons about community, adversity, and respect for rules and officials, and forge friendships among girls working toward a common goal.

However, while 25 percent of girls between the ages of eight and sixteen participate in an organized sports program during the year,2 and millions participate in phys. ed classes and noncompetitive athletic activities like swimming, skating, skiing, and hiking, many still get very little exercise at all. They may be constantly "busy" on the go from breakfast to bedtime, but they aren't physically active. Fewer and fewer tween-age girls spend time playing run-around games or riding their bikes or hanging from the playground equipment.

In 2000 sociologists did a study of a cross-section of families which showed that for American children between six and twelve, the average time spent outdoors in unstructured play per week was thirty minutes. The follow-up study done six years later found that fewer than one in five children spent any unstructured time at all playing outdoors.3 Time, space, safety, and other attractive options (such as computer games and cable TV) have become factors in the prevention of free play, and some of those reasons are completely understandable. But experts say that the lack of an adequate amount of exercise children used to get naturally from playing is a major reason why obesity in children has increased by four times over the past forty years,4 putting them at risk for Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, even as children.

On the other hand, sports doctors warn that physical exercise of the wrong kind or practiced incorrectly can also be a danger. I give you what Gloria Beim, physician to the US National Track Cycling Team, says on the subject: Girls are not little women. There are marked differences between the two in terms of coordination, strength, and stamina. In girls, bone-tendon-muscle units, growth areas within bones, and ligaments experience uneven growth patterns, which leaves them susceptible to injury. What might be a bruise or sprain in a woman can be a potentially serious growth-plate injury for a girl.5 That is not to say that girls shouldn't play sports, or that you need to bite your nails to the quick worrying that your daughter's going to give herself a growth-plate injury. Just know that young female athletes-with those between the ages of eleven and twelve being the most vulnerable-have special needs because their bodies are growing, and they require different coaching and conditioning than more mature athletes, which they don't always get.6 Tween girls who take up a sport early on and play that and only that, year round, in their elementary and middle school years, can be at risk for fractures and inflammatory conditions of the growth plates (such as Osgood-Schlatter "disease") caused by chronic stress and overuse. Early specialization and the trend toward viewing her sport as a means to a scholarship or a career, when the player is only eleven years old, can actually prevent her from developing overall balance and strength and well-rounded coordination. While learning to dribble, pass, and shoot, she might not have learned how to hop, skip, or jump. Without those basic skills, she's susceptible to injury.

By the way, to help you get sports-as-a-means-to-an-end into perspective: Only about 5 percent of high school athletes continue to play competitively in college. No more than 1 percent of high school athletes get full scholarships.7 That sounds like a great reason to put just-for-fun back into the game.

Are you going to find me and smack me if I say one more time that overstructuring is hazardous to both physical and emotional tween health? It does apply very directly to sports and physical activity, so I'm going to let sports sociologist Nancy Theberge say it for me: Exercise and sports are not the same thing. It's a false argument to advocate competitive sports for health reasons. The best examples of physical activity for health are kids involved in regular, non-extreme physical activity in a noncompetitive environment.8

She needs to be well-fed.

We are one of the richest, most advanced countries in the world, but you'd never know it by the eating habits of the average American. We are not a healthy nation in terms of our nutrition, and that is especially worrisome for our kids during the years when they're rapidly growing. Even if you're the exception, it doesn't hurt to keep some things in mind as you grocery shop or take the family out to eat.

As we've said, your daughter is growing more between the ages of eight and twelve than in almost any other period of her life, which means she needs more and better fuel than she ever has before. "Better fuel" is harder to come by in a culture that consumes so much fast food, junk snacks, and processed fare. An average of one out of four meals consumed by Americans is prepared in a commercial setting,9 a statistic that hasn't changed with the current economic downturn. When they do want to cook at home, they find that the healthiest foods, such as fresh fruits and vegetables, are among the most expensive items in the supermarket. The price of organic produce? Forget about it.

Even when families are determined to eat healthy, they're often thwarted by busy schedules that mean dinner is served from a drive-through window and eaten in the backseat of the car or is popped out of a box and into the microwave at home. Whatever nutritional value might be in there is smothered under salt, chemicals, and saturated fat.

"I wish my mother would understand how hard it is to talk about some things that I really want to talk about. Like, sometimes I'm worried about if I'm eating right, but I rarely get up the courage to talk to her."

age 11 School lunches aren't the healthiest affairs either, and even those mother-packed with carrot sticks and apples may go uneaten if somebody at the cafeteria table is sharing a bag of Starbursts.

It's puzzling that a culture which eats such unhealthy food has such a thing about weight. We-as a society-offer girls huge portions of super-processed, fat-filled, low-fiber, high-fructose food, and then tell them they need to look like ninety-pound supermodels. The emphasis on being thin starts young, as I pointed out earlier, and its effect on tween girls is not limited to the later development of eating disorders. The fifth grader who throws away half her lunch every day because she's afraid she's going to get fat already thinks of her body as an enemy she always has to control. She can't even enjoy an ice cream cone at the fair because she's not as skinny as the candidates for Miss County. At the time when she should be increasing (the right) caloric intake, she's skipping breakfast, picking at her lunch, and feeling guilty because she wants to consume the entire contents of the refrigerator when she gets home from school. Thinking she's not going to be good enough unless she's a rail cuts her off from appreciating who she is and prevents her from seeing her choices realistically. The same thing happens when she thinks, "I'll never look like that so what difference does it make what I eat? Bring on the Krispy Kreme."

She needs to be balanced.

You know where I stand on the subject of tween time. A girl's mom needs to help her strike a balance between her propensity to be active and busy-to be a doer-and her need for leisure time she can fill however her creative self wants to. Just like every other human being who has ever lived.