Going for It

Knowing what you long to instill in your daughter is, of course, only the beginning. That teacher who can list good behaviors on the board still has to show the kids how to do those things amid all the distractions that beckon like hands full of M&Ms. You face the same challenge, but it's very doable. I have some thoughts for you, which I offer according to the four vitals we talked about earlier.

Appearance does matter, but it's inner beauty that makes a woman beautiful on the outside.

I think the first step is to clarify the difference between "cute" or "pretty"-and truly "beautiful." That's important because we have to be realistic: while every girl has her own beauty, every girl is not going to be homecoming queen. We don't want our daughters to think we're trying to sell them the idea that everybody has the same shot at becoming Miss America, because they themselves know that's a lie. Saying, "You can be beautiful, both inside and out," which is true, is not the same as saying, "You can be on the cover of Teen Vogue," which may not be. The key is in showing them that homecoming queen, the Miss America title, and the cover shot are short-lived gigs that come to a few, while real beauty is available to everyone and lasts a lifetime. Be sure you're on the same page with her on that, or she's bound to get confused.

To show her how inner beauty affects outward appearance, have her look into a mirror and stare at her image poker-faced. (Be prepared-it's a tough task for an eight-year-old to do this without giggling.) Next have her smile like she's happy to see that face. Finally, ask her to glare as if she wishes that face would disappear. Talk about which expression was the most beautiful. The point is not to get her to go around grinning like Chuck E. Cheese all the time but to give her a visual she's likely to remember.

Ask her to pick out a few girls she knows who are considered pretty and have her watch them whenever she can. (This is a good time to introduce the word "unobtrusively" into her vocabulary.) If she sees one being rude, have her ask herself: "Is she still pretty? If someone caught her on camera at that moment, would a magazine put the picture on its cover?" (Only use this exercise if you know your daughter can resist the temptation to tell her BFFs, "She's not as pretty as you think she is.") An alternative: give her a teen magazine (if you dare-some of them are basically a mini-Cosmo) and have her cut out all the pictures of the girls' faces-in both ads and articles. Then ask her to put them into two piles-girls she'd like to be friends with, and girls she would steer clear of. Talk about what the difference is. (To make this more fun, you yourself can do it simultaneously with a Vogue or Ms.) Finally, talk about the women you both love. Seriously, are any of them ugly? Aren't they all just beautiful? Discuss what makes them that way. To prolong the joy, get them together and tell them. Bring Kleenex.

Developing inner beauty isn't an arduous, uphill battle. It is in fact part of the delight of being a girl.

Once your tween gets that the outside shows what's going on inside, the fun part is in finding more ways to reflect that. This draws on things we've already explored and which hopefully you're enjoying together on a continuing basis: her individual style-hair, clothes, accessories; how she takes care of herself-grooming, honoring her beauty; and her confidence-understanding who she is and having the freedom to be just that.

And it builds on those as you make her conscious of what's happening. For example, ask her how she wants people to describe her. Does she want her physical attributes to be the first thing that comes out of their mouths, or one of those things listed in the "whatevers"? Have her list Class Favorites titles (not the people who would win them, just the titles themselves), but instead of the usual Cutest, Most Popular, Best Dressed, have her use ones that reflect inner traits that make people her faves on the planet (Most Honest, for instance). For fun, you can both come up with the titles neither one of you would want to win-Most Rude, Most Likely to Betray Your Secrets.

Ah, the discussions you can have from that.

Bringing out the joy of finding inner beauty also involves focusing on the other things-besides painting toenails and curling hair-that make being a girl fun. I've listed some traditional ones that tweens often really get into when they're introduced to them: Cooking-baking-sewing-knitting-costuming-room decorating-gardening-dancing just for joy-purely-for-fun sports like badminton, croquet, roller skating, ice skating, bike riding-having tea parties-flower arranging-picnicking-marathon talking-unexplainable giggling.

Use whatever -ing makes being female joyous for the two of you. Doing it will bring out the beauty. That's how joy works.

Possessing inner beauty-God's beauty-is the only guarantee that she will be truly, deep-down happy.

Winning the award, being voted team captain, or making the honor roll or first chair or the junior cheerleading squad can make a girl proud (in a good way!), sure of her abilities, and certain of some positive attention. But in the long run, they don't make her happy. We've all seen tween girls who achieve all that and more, and still bite their fingernails or chew their hair or have a weekly crying jag.

That applies as well to our girl who is so pretty she takes your breath away and has all of tweendom at her command, yet longs for more and becomes anxious when her throne is threatened because that's all she really has going. Her anxiety may come out in the form of girl bullying, which we'll discuss at length later.

My point: High-achieving girls and gorgeous girls and girls who are both can be happy. But not unless the beauty basics are also happening within. If a girl isn't happy, no amount of conditioner and Limited Too is going to make her beautiful. If she is genuinely happy, her beauty will bring tears to your eyes.

So how to coax out that inner, happy-making beauty? A few suggestions to get you started on your own approach with your daughter. Doubtless you're doing some or all of this already.

Know what's beautiful inside her and praise it appropriately.

You don't have to applaud every time she refrains from screaming at her brother even though he probably deserves it. But when she sits down beside him after his team loses the championship and tells him he was the best thing out on the field, that deserves a hug and a thanks and a brownie later. Don't be afraid that you're going to make her full of herself by paying attention to her virtues. You're going to make her want to use them even more, until the mere act of doing good is enough for her.

Get to the bottom of any acting out she does, instead of immediately punishing it.

That doesn't mean let her get away with grand theft auto; consequences are certainly a part of learning. But understanding the impetus for any not-so-beautiful behavior will help you to know how to heal it. Most of the time tween-girl misbehavior has one of these behind it: the need for attention, the need for acceptance, the need for more trust and responsibility (she has an ironic way of showing that one, doesn't she?), the need for more privacy. The lack thereof could be happening at home, but it's just as likely that it's coming up at school or in her circle of friends or at the site of her activities, and you're just the one she's taking her fear and frustration out on. After all, you still have to love her even when she's slamming doors and yelling at her siblings and talking back to you.

It always worked for me to say to Marijean, "This isn't like you. What's really going on here?" Most times if I really thought about it, I already knew. I'd been out several evenings that week and hadn't been there to have our bedtime talk. She needed attention so she got it by arguing (and the girl could hold a debate over a ham sandwich). Or she was coming home from school with her sweatshirt sleeves pulled over her hands and her hair hanging in her face, ready to pinch my head off. I knew Heidi and the Heinous Ones were at it again, and it took only a few questions to get it out of her: Heidi had made a huge production out of asking Marijean if she had any mirrors at her house.

One time, when Marijean blatantly broke the no-arguing-about-things-inside-the-box rule, we had a serious Come-to-Jesus about tone. Once she was sufficiently contrite, we discussed taking a few items out of the box and making them negotiable. After that, tone was seldom an issue.

Help her deal with negative emotions in positive ways.

No one can be happy-and therefore inwardly beautiful-when she's struggling with negative stuff, and no one can hold an interior wrestling match like a tween girl. She doesn't know how to referee that kind of thing yet so she just keeps punching until she's bruised and miserable. Possibly everyone else around her is, as well, depending on whether she's an internalizer (it's all my fault) or an externalizer (it's all your fault). It's up to Mom to help her express the hard, snarly feelings in healthy, even creative ways. You'll know which of these might work with your daughter: Buy her a journal and show her how to vent in it. Guarantee her privacy.

Provide some art supplies and let her paint, draw, or scribble whatever's currently messing with her little mind. No evaluating or psychoanalyzing. Just let her have at it. These works of art don't go on the refrigerator.

Give her some clay to abuse or shape. Again this is not for firing in the kiln. Just a way to give form to something that's not making sense. Yet.

The idea is to allow her to get the uglies out where she can look at them. Whatever she comes up with may give you a way to start a conversation. Or she may just feel better, which is wonderful. How many times have you chewed on an issue until your jaws ached, dug in the petunia bed (or something!) for an hour, and forgot what it was you were so worked up about? That can happen for even the youngest woman.

Let her play!

Much happiness, and therefore beauty, is found in playing. I've probably harped enough on the drawbacks of nonstop structured activity in tweens' lives so I won't go there again. Let me just add another brushstroke to that picture by saying that free play-as in acting out Robin Hood with her BFFs in the backyard or getting up a pick-up game with a soccer ball and a gang of cousins-provides the canvas for practicing the virtues we've been extolling-fairness, compassionate give-and-take, mercy, and more.

Time and space to dream of who she wants to be is absolutely essential too. That's when God gives her the images, albeit unconscious ones, of how she's to live and move and have her being. She may dream now of being a missionary and declare she's going to Africa, even though she has yet to complete the fifth grade. Alas, she may never have a ministry in Botswana, but if she has "seen" herself bringing food and medicine and the good news to orphan children, she will also "see" herself into unselfish giving and a willingness to sacrifice, no matter what her life's work is. If she does not dream it, however, the development of those marvelous qualities will be delayed. Why deprive her of that so she can take yet another Something Lesson?

Okay. I'll leave it alone now.

Continuing to become more inwardly beautiful is the only assurance that she'll be able to make a difference in the world.

Even pundits who insist on continuing to be critical of "youth culture" have to admit that the Millennials are far more interested in volunteering, mission trips, and fund-raising for causes than previous generations. They love words like team, community, and posse. In general they think less about "making a lot of money" than about "making a difference." (Granted, they expect to have all the same goodies they have now while they're out there changing the world, but that's an entirely different topic!) The desire is there, and it's genuine, especially among the girls I've met who are being raised in the church. Moms are in the perfect position to foster that altruism in the tween years and bring out the beauty within.

Provide opportunities for her to give and serve.

The closer she can get to the people she's helping, the more effective the experience will be. If she's helping you bake cookies for the nursing home, why not have her help deliver them as well? If there is self-sacrifice involved in giving, so much the better. Is she using some of her allowance to buy Angel Tree gifts at Christmas? Spreading mustard on bread for sandwiches for Habitat for Humanity volunteers when she could be on the computer with her friends? Turning down a birthday party invitation because she's already signed up to help at Special Olympics? Taken out of herself and put into a situation that needs what she can give, she will show her true-and beautiful-colors.

Help her find her own connection with God.

One of the most exciting things about the tween years is the growing sense that there's a lot more to loving God than singing "Jesus Loves Me" and praying, "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grandpa and Nanny." Somewhere between eight and twelve she sees the concrete evidence that loving God and talking to God and doing as God says makes a person different somehow. And developmentally she's ready to explore that on her own: she can read, organize her thoughts, and translate experiences into ideas. It is remarkable to watch a tween girl take off in her relationship with her God, but she usually needs some help to get it started. I receive emails weekly from tweens saying, "I want to be closer to God but I don't know how." The desire is there. You're in the best possible place to help. This is what I tell the girls-some of which is detailed in The Beauty Book. Suggestions for encouragement are in parentheses: Have a quiet time with God every day. You can ask God any questions you want, present God with the things you and the people you love need, and even just listen. (The most important thing you can give her to foster quiet time is space and privacy. She'll take care of the rest.) Read God's Word and think about how it applies to you, right that very moment. (Provide her with a Bible that has helps designed for her age group. I, of course, am partial to the Faith-Girlz Bible. Special tween devotional books, such as That Is SO Me, suggest what to read and give further guidance.) Write about your God thoughts in a journal. In the Lily books, Lily has a "Talking to God Journal," and you can make one too, and use it to work through problems the way she does. (If she doesn't stare at you as if you've just arrived from Planet Weird for suggesting such a thing-not all tweens enjoy taking pen in hand-take her journal shopping or provide tools for making her own. On the tween blog this summer, I had the girls email me pictures of the ones they created. Look out, Hallmark-they were great.) Surround yourself with other beautiful Christians as friends. (While you're hosting the Sunday school class sleepovers or forming a FaithGirlz Club, be careful not to give her the impression that girls who aren't being raised in Christian homes aren't worth being friends with. You'd be amazed how many Christian tween girls think they aren't supposed to talk to the "unchurched" and look down on them the way they would a shoplifter. Then they can't figure out why the non-Christian kids don't want to listen to them witness about the Lord.)1 Pray. A lot. At certain times during the day. In little quick breaths all day. Even just saying "Please!" or "Thank you!" whenever God comes to your mind. Most of the time, nobody even knows you're doing it. (The most effective way to foster this is to model it, although it doesn't have to be a steady stream of "Lord, please give us a parking place. Oh, yes, Lord, thank you. Right in front." Unless that's natural for you. Just saying, "You know, I was praying about it this morning, and I'm getting the sense that I was too quick to say no about the field trip. Let's talk about it some more" is a meaningful indication to her that you and God are in conversation, and that it affects her life.

You may be wondering, is that enough? You know this is the single most important relationship your daughter will ever have, and that can make you so anxious for her. You just want it to be right. Yet you can't force this delicate, sacred thing. What you can do is everything possible to allow that relationship to grow without pushing it. A few thoughts on how: Make sure she has a church home where she feels like part of the family. The tweens I know who love church are helping out in the nursery or the preschool class, singing in the youth choir, running around with their BFFs at potluck suppers. Be ware that the sense of belonging is more of a challenge at a mega church, though not impossible if she's involved in small-group activities.

Allow her to have doubts and questions about her faith. If she doesn't have any, she's not paying attention! Rather than show disapproval or fear, talk her through them, and find out what prompted the question. Just as when she asks about tattoos and piercings, it's usually just a question. Give her the information she's missing and steer her toward the right answer. Telling her it's wrong for her to question God will drive her underground, where there are no answers.

When she's making a decision, ask her what she thinks God wants her to do. Together see if it lines up with the Bible.

Try not to preach at her. It's always more effective to share your own story. "I had a big fight with my brother one day when I was ten, and later that night he was hurt in a car accident. That's when I figured out why God says don't let the sun go down on your anger. I mean, what if he hadn't made it? So-do you want to reconsider what you just said to your brother?"

Emphasize God's love and grace, rather than rules and restrictions that actually aren't part of the gospel at all. Have rules at your house, of course, but don't make God the heavy when it comes to enforcing them. Learning to do what's right because God loves you is not the same as "the wages of sin is death." No nine-year-old responds to that in a healthy way. It sure isn't going to bring out her inner beauty. Her inner pointy-nosed hall monitor, maybe, but not her godly beauty.

For older tweens, special sacred practices can be good ways to help her concentrate on God. More and more youth groups for teens are in fact introducing candle lighting, labyrinth walking, and other simple rituals that bring teenagers into godly focus.2 We can find video screens and rock bands anywhere, teens are saying, but a room lit only by candlelight where a Gregorian chant is playing-that sets us apart from the world for an hour so we can hear God. They carry the images with them back into the world, where they're going to need them. This may be hard to wrap your mind around if you don't come from a liturgical tradition, so just know that a ritual is not necessary for coming into the presence of God. It's a reminder that you are always there. For a tween girl it might be as simple as lighting a candle to start her quiet time (depending on her level of responsibility) or setting up a sacred space in the corner of her room. Again, that doesn't mean that's the only place she can pray, but it's a place where she knows she will pray.

If you're still put off by the term "sacred practice," think about the spiritual rituals you participate in. Do you fast? Raise your hands in the air during praise and worship? Attend baptisms and weddings and funerals? These sacraments are outward and visible signs of inward and spiritual grace. God's grace.3 Your daughter may respond beautifully to God by using spiritual practices.

Be sure your own relationship with God is healthy. We've already established that daughters learn most from what mothers do themselves. If you're concerned for your daughter to experience God, you're already doing a lot.

And, of course, most important of all, pray for her. If you can do nothing else, this is enough. It is, in fact, more than just enough, because your prayers put you in a working relationship with her third parent, her heavenly Father.

Are you prepared for the beauty you're going to see emanating from your daughter in the months and years to come? The only way I know to describe it is "delicious." You work with her, you play with her, you pray for her, you laugh with her-and you get to taste of the fruit of your labor of love. It is luscious. Please, please-savor it.

Bridging the Gap.

Father of all goodness, thank you for the seeds of loveliness you've planted in . Knowing how hard it is for those seeds to grow in this world, I pray that you will bridge the gap between what she needs in order to see her inner beauty and what I have in me to help her nurture it. Through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

PART 3.