There was only silence between them. A few more minutes pa.s.sed. For Xue Jinxu, waiting for his response took eternity. It was grueling.

"No." Chen Linyun said curtly without looking at her.

Xue Jinxu was perplexed. She was rejected. She had taken all her courage to ask him to marry her. It was not an easy feat for her. All her words were serious and genuine. Her mouth gaped open.

"This is not what I had been asking of you. Please be honest with me, Jinxu, as I have the right to know. Do you love me now? Do you want to marry me because you've already learned to love me?" Chen Linyun was back to being hurt.

He cupped her chin with his fingers to make her look at him. Their gazes locked, both drowning in each others' souls.

She kissed him in response. She kissed him on his lips, and was trying to deepen the kiss. She started to wrap her arms around his neck.

Chen Linyun grabbed her arms and pushed her away. His face was even more crumpled and twisted.

"Xue Jinxu, answer me please." He was so distressed and helpless.

After all, a hundred no's are less agonizing than one insincere yes. [1]

At one side she thought and felt that she had really fallen in love with Chen Linyun, and would want to turn a blind eye from all his imperfections. At the other side, she only thought about escaping her nearing matrimony with an evil stranger no matter what. As she was desperate, she was confused which one was the truth. Could it be both? Regardless, she's making a gamble and a resolve tonight.

However, she did not expect that things will turn out this way. She had hurt Chen Linyun in the process. It was completely unintentional. Being the perceptive, smart and shrewd person as he was, of course he would have noticed it – that she might only be using him as an escape route.

Xue Jinxu and Chen Linyun were two different variants of people.

Xue Jinxu was Type A, alphfemale: strong-willed, driven, and results-oriented. She had the go-getter personality. She's a doer, a driver. She could make decisions in a snap of fingers, except matters of the heart. That being said, she could be reactive, and impulsive too. At some instances, she could be oblivious to the fact that perhaps she's already crossing the line she's not supposed to. Just like this instance.

Whereas…

Chen Linyun was of the a.n.a.lytical sort. He made decisions based on observations, studies, and statistics. He planned based on a.s.sumptions, estimates, and projections. He listened to what story figures and information say to him. He's a strategist, a negotiator, a planner. He's concerned with causes and effects, and of the why's behind things.

At this moment, the information available to him was that Xue Jinxu just came back from her engagement dinner. Apparently she came to abhor the person she's betrothed to, and from the looks of it she's desperate. Otherwise, why would she insist on the camping trip late at night, during late autumn? It was an insane idea. She knew that Chen Linyun loved her tremendously. It might sound so bad for her, but from Chen Linyun's perspective, she might only be using him. That's what really hurt him.

He had to say no. Not because he did not love this woman, in fact, he loved her too much. However, marriage for her current reasons was simply wrong. He had no job right now, nothing to be proud of. His woman, Xue Jinxu, could not even say that she loves him back. What would happen to their marriage if he agreed to it? Sooner or later, he will only become a tool for her, a props, a plaything. Sure, she might be able to learn to love him back, finally, as what he wanted, but what if it did not happen? At a later time, she would only come to consider him no more than a burden. It's also not impossible if she would take him for granted in the future, if he had agreed to the marriage now.

And what about now? Was she not already taking him for granted? He's the readily available option within her reach at the moment. Chen Linyun did not want him to be just a dispensable option. He wanted her to need him because she loves him.

Marrying her now is not equal to winning her heart.

Chen Linyun only had his self-respect remaining. He had his principles too. He's not after owners.h.i.+p of his woman. He's not after her body or her wealth. All he wanted was her loving him back. That's it! Being together in a marriage knowing that Xue Jinxu does not love her was similar to subjecting both of them into daily misery. It might be fine for a good few years. But he's not after a good few years only. He wanted a lifetime with her! They might only end up in divorce, most probably so. He would likely detest himself too. Xue Jinxu will not be happy with him if she does not love him. That's not the future he wanted to share with her.

And what about her family? If they pushed through with the marriage, knowing that he did not have anything worthy to stand beside her, would her family sit idly by and watch their princess go to such a low? He presumed that the family will only take her back with them, leaving him behind without any way to survive. He might even get banished from Beijing, not being able to see her again, to get near her again.

Yes, he had to consider that other men were all over her for her hand. Yes, the idea of her belonging to another man, cohabiting with another man would be killing him as well. But, he would be able to accept it in the long run, he guessed, if Xue Jinxu chose that man, and if she would be happy.

Was he the man she chose out of love, or was he just an option to her? If only she could answer him how she really feels for him, everything will be clarified. Was she simply taking advantage of him, of his love? As much as he would not want to believe this rationale, his heart was aching at the possibility of it.

[1] Chinese Proverb