They seated themselves in the dining area. At first there was only silence between them. Most probably this was the talk that Chen Linyun dreaded the most.
'Everything I did, I did for her. I had dedicated all my life's efforts for her, to be with her, to be worthy of her love. This shouldn't end.' His face was distorted with anguish as he waited patiently for his wife to break the silence. He's not going to break it this time. His fists were clenched tightly, bracing himself for Xue Jinxu's next words.
"Chen Linyun." She called his name again, locking her gaze onto his. She wasn't smiling at all. "I love you. I really do." She said.
"But."
Chen Linyun inhaled deeply.
She pursed her lips. Xue Jinxu's mouth twitched downwards. Two teardrops fell from her almond eyes. Chen Linyun clenched his fists more tightly as if it could still be any firmer.
"I will always love you, Chen Linyun."
"But love, I think I need to be alone for now." Xue Jinxu's tears fell more recurrently. Her chest heaved up and down. Soon enough she was wailing strongly. She was biting her lower lip, trying to control her outburst.
"I cannot be with you, see you without being reminded of what happened." She said in between sobs.
"I cannot be close to you, or touch you. I wanted to run towards your warm embrace, to sniff your scent, to make love to you, and believe that we can conceive again. But, dear, I cannot do it." She said, while gazing down, her fists now clenching the hem of her dress.
"I'm a total wreck. I cannot continue living with you. I need to fix myself first. Alone." She continued, while still gazing down.
"Please allow me to be with myself, alone."
"I'm begging you."
She continued to gaze down.
Chen Linyun had not spoken a word all this time. Each word that she uttered was like daggers that pierced his heart. He, too, was crying now. He was weeping silently. Eyes closed, yet the tears still escaped. He could sense that this conversation had been long overdue, and that sooner or later it will come. He somewhat saw it coming, but he never became prepared for it.
He removed his eyegla.s.ses then pinched the s.p.a.ce between his brows.
"Do you want divorce? I thought, it's not an option." Chen Linyun asked painfully, almost inaudibly.
The lady shook her head vigorously. "No, not divorce." She lifted her head to lock her gaze with him. "Just a little bit time and s.p.a.ce alone. I'm sorry, Chen Linyun."
"Is this really necessary? We can get through this together." Chen Linyun argued back.
The lady shook her head. "No, I can't. I can't be with you."
"Just for now. I don't know how long it will take. I promise I'll fix myself. I promise we'll live together again. But, now I really need to be far from you. Away from you. I'm sorry."
"Please, that's the help I need from you."
"Do you still love me?" She asked, her brows knitted together, all the pain in her heart showing on her face.
"I do. I will always love you, Jinxu. But what you're asking, it's too much."
"You want me out of your life?" Chen Linyun asked tenderly, hurt.
"Just for the time being, honey. I don't want you to be with the broken version of myself. Please understand." She lifted her right hand from the hem of her dress and put it on top of Chen Linyun's hand that was resting on the dining table. Then she grabbed his hand and rested it on her cheek. She gently rubbed her cheek onto his palm, trying to convince him of her resolve.
"How about you, Jinxu, do you still love me?"
Chen Linyun knew that once the lady had decided there's nothing to make her take it back. In other words, this conversation was more of informing him of her decision, and not really an open discussion.
What else could he do but to succ.u.mb to her request, no matter how painful it is for him? At least the lady was not considering divorce. But during their time that will be spent apart, how long would it take for the lady to go back to him, or perhaps to even consider divorce as an option? While they live separately, all the possibilities will come to light. He was dreading the idea.
"Of course I love you, Chen Linyun! I will always do. Don't ever doubt my sincerity." She said softly, solemnly.
The husband exhaled sharply.
"You have decided already. What else can I do?" Chen Linyun said, defeated, after a long long silence.
"Jinxu, promise me you'll return to me. I will wait for you every single day." Chen Linyun grabbed her cheek with his hand that she was rubbing her cheek to, and proactively caressed her cheek with it.
"I promise, love." Xue Jinxu's eyes glimmered with so much antic.i.p.ation and grat.i.tude.
"I'll be staying at our house in the meantime. I won't contact you but you can contact me anytime. I will always wait for you. I look forward to your messages, to your calls, to your return to my side." He said, agreeing to her.
"I want you to heal. If it will require my absence, I will give you that. Just don't forget your promise.
"I won't. Thank you, Chen Linyun." She said, full of grat.i.tude. "Take care of yourself, dear. I'm really sorry I cannot take care of you. Please don't sulk too much. Continue living. Try to be happy while we're apart. I'm hoping once we sort this out we will be both whole again, individually, so that we can be each other's perfect half again."
She stood up, and wrapped her arms around him, her right hand caressing the back of his head. Most probably it was the last time that she will be doing that, for the time being. She kissed his cheek.
Chen Linyun escaped her hug, grabbed her cheek, and kissed her tenderly on her lips. Most probably it would be their last. It was such a goodbye kiss.
They were both still crying while engulfed in the moment. Undoubtedly they still love each other tremendously. Their love had not decreased a bit after all that had happened.
However, each would have to love the other separately, for the time being.