"Over? No. No, please." If I could communicate the depth of my need with my eyes I would have. I should show him with some other gesture. I slipped to my knees in the grass and dirt. "Sir. Please. Let us try again."

"No," he grated out, and for once I could see the depth of the pain on his face.

Oh God. It hurt me to see that and know. He was hurting, more than me.

How selfish had I been? I'd organized this month-long experiment without a thought as to how it might affect him. He seemed so strong, yet I'd seen torture in his expression. If he'd let me I would have gone to him and hugged him, kissed him, drawn his arms around me so we were together again in the way a man and woman should be. Whole.

Something twisted inside me. Awareness blossomed.

That was the moment my heart truly let him in. I saw him as a man, not just my Master, because he needed me. I wanted more than just to kneel for him. I wanted to help him when he was sad, to be there for him, to make the pain go away.

I raised my head. "Please." This time, my heart and my soul bled out into my eyes.

But he stood and stepped back like I had some disease that might infect him. "Go home, Jodie."

And he walked away.

Dismayed, I watched him go.

What could I do? Nothing. It had been useless. I'd achieved nothing much at all except for understanding. I understood how hopeless this was. How implacable his stance. I'd not convince him in a century of begging.

Every part of my body seemed disassociated from the real me.

Oh, and I'd achieved one other paltry thing. I'd found out I loved him.

I picked myself up, dusted off my knees, sat in a crumpled heap on the bench, and thought a long time. Only one or two tears slipped down my face. Then I went home. I had no idea what I should do. None, at all.

Chapter Twenty-Six.

Klaus *

Funny how they called it nursing a beer, but it fitted. The thing had gone flat long ago and I only hung onto it for something to do. The outdoor beer garden of the Yellow Cockatoo Hotel was crowded enough that I could sit by myself and not be noticed in all the noisiness. The night air was crisp and filled with the scent of tropical flowers hanging off the trellises, barbecued meat from the kitchens, the sound of mingled voices, and now and then the distant roll of waves on the shore. I was peaceful yet alone, yet also empty.

Give it another year maybe, I'd be over it.

Jodie was here somewhere. I'd seen her inside with some of her girlfriends, including the craziest one, Adrianna. Though on a crazy scale the other two were up there in the nine out of ten range too. The island's smallness meant seeing each other was unavoidable. So I hadn't bothered doing anything more than move out here under the stars where the lights were dimmer.

"Hello, Klaus."

Shit. I almost jumped. I eyed Jodie. She was breathtaking, as always. The short blue dress suited her-showing off her long legs and gorgeous feminine muscles. Again, there came that tightness as I imagined what I could do to her...if I had her.

I swallowed some beer, checked her out again, decided to meet her head on. We were adults. We could figure this out. Even if having my guts pulled out inch by inch would hurt me less. Just holding her for a moment would heal my world. Do. Not. Touch.

"Hello, Jodie. Not Sir anymore?"

Such a bold look in her eyes. "Not until you say so...Klaus."

She flicked back her hair from her shoulders then slid into the chair opposite me. Her curls bounced in glossy waves. I remembered the cool feel of her hair sliding through my fingers.

There was no glass in her hands, her voice was unslurred, her movements were simply those of a young, beautiful woman. "Not drinking tonight?"

I guess I'd half-expected her to fall back into her old ways where she almost seemed to deliberately attempt to gain my sympathy by getting drunk.

"No. I'm being good."

"Oh? Glad to hear that."

"Yes. I can help you better when I'm sober." She'd said that so matter-of-factly that it took me a second to digest it.

What the hell?

I put my glass down on the coaster. "Can you now?" I suppressed a smile.

While I watched curiously, she took out her phone, dialed it and held it to her ear a moment. "Here." She held it out to me. "It's for you."

"Who? What are you trying to do?"

"It's Moghul. You convinced me I couldn't change your mind, so here. You need to talk to another man who can tell you the truth about yourself." She jiggled the phone at me. "Afraid, Mr. Big Bad Dom?"

"This is not a game," I growled.

"I know that." Carefully she placed the phone on the table beside my drink. "I do. This is important to me. I...care for you, a lot, and I am not giving up without a fight. Talk to him or I promise you, I will never leave you alone." Then she sat back in the chair, folded her arms beneath her breasts and glared at me.

I lifted one eyebrow. If looks could kill she'd just had a SWAT team take out her ass with extreme prejudice.

I picked it up, and squashed it to my ear so I could hear above the noise. "Hi."

"Hi yourself. Where are you?"

"Hotel. Jodie just gave me her phone and said to talk."

"Yeah, well, go find somewhere quieter. I'll wait. You do need to know some things."

I moved outside and sat on a brick fence. Jodie had followed and sat a few yards away but I ignored her for the moment. This was so intrusive, and yet I sensed the importance she placed on this. And I did value Moghul's opinion.

It wouldn't change me but maybe I could help set things up for her.

"Go ahead."

For a few seconds he said nothing. "Okay, I'll start with this. You and Jodie have been so foolish. Playing with fire is the best way I can put it. She told me about her documentary."

I grunted and listened some more.

"Yes, you could have hurt her badly, but mostly due to ignorance. What you did...BDSM is consensual, always. Playing around with that concept when you are new to it all. Terrible. Just terrible. I'm not surprised you've damaged yourself. But I can tell you this. You're not a sociopath. You're not a bad person. You're simply untrained and uninformed."

I put my fingers to the bridge of my nose, pressed down. "I wanted to see her bleed. She'd not given me permission and, man, I don't know if I'd have stopped if I were in the wrong situation, alone. I can't trust myself."

Quiet came for a moment.

"Some of us get closer to the dark edge than others. I promise you that with help, you'll discover how to be her Dom without overstepping the mark. I promise you. You just need boundaries and rules. If you're who I think you are, you can control yourself. If you're worried, keep it public until you're sure. There are ways, man, there are."

I took a long breath, exhaled. Damn. He made it sound doable. Not easy, but doable.

"After the party, I warned you about subdrop. Remember?"

"Yes, I do." I glanced at Jodie, waiting patiently, waiting like a good girl. My appreciation of her as a woman stirred to life again.

"I forgot to say that sometimes Doms, Tops, can get Top Drop."

"What the fuck? You're joking. That sounds like a wine."

I listened to him chuckle. "No, it's like subdrop though. I think you got it. Along with all the mistakes you let yourselves make, I'm not surprised. If I'd known what a mess you two were in, I'd never have let you in to play. Now, I want you and Jodie to talk about this. As far as I can tell, she wants you back, as her Dom."

"That's not news. Talking to her..." My head was stuffed full of all this new information. Did I believe him? No one knew me like I did. He hadn't been there. Still, a big what-if sign had lit up in my head. "Not sure that's a good idea."

"Klaus, I can't tell you what you have to do. Yes, people can get hurt physically because others have not thought things through, or have not done their homework, or because they are out-and-out sadists. We don't condone that in the community. If I thought that was you, I'd not be sitting out here on my patio getting eaten by mozzies when I could be watching the football. Think hard before you run away. If you were bad, you'd not have crashed like this. Caring is the crucial point. You care for her."

"Uh." Such an eloquent reply. I rummaged about and found some words. "Thanks. I'll see. Sorry for all the trouble."

He sighed. "Klaus. Fuck not ordering you. Go talk. Stop being an asshole."

He hung up.

Well, he got the asshole part right.

"Here." I held out the phone to her and she stepped over and took it, dropped it into her handbag.

Talk to her?

As likely as the sun exploding. I had a severe case of info overload. I wanted him to be right, but...but, but, but.

We looked at each other without speaking for a while.

If I said anything I'd give her false hope, but she'd been trying to help. Did I want to hurt her now by saying a flat no, or maybe later by stringing her along?

Jodie did that nervous thing where she played with a corner of her dress. I could see she was bursting to ask me.

I got in first. "Don't. Don't ask. You can't expect an answer. Just leave me be, to think." I found my car keys, pulled them out and jingled them. "Go back inside to your friends."

"Oh. Oh." Though she stared at me for ages, her shoulders slowly caved in. "I thought he might...I'm sorry." She shook her head. "If you change your mind, text me. Just say meet me, and I'll be here." For a second her gaze fixed hopefully on mine, then she turned away.

Misery was written in her every move. I worked my jaw and resisted grabbing her, enfolding her in my arms, and kissing away all that sadness.

Watching her walk away trampled severely on the remains of my resolve. I jabbed my thigh with the keys and hissed at the pain.

Leave now.

We were both a mess, but I couldn't see how to help her more without being with her. For a moment I was angry at Moghul. I'd wanted him to help her get her life back together, not to tell her how to get back with me. Unseeing, unfocused on anything except the confusion messing up my mind, I fumbled my way to my car, and started the engine.

There are some things you have to take your time to digest, no matter what.

Believing takes time.

Jodie was doing well. I kept an eye on her via her friends. Adrianna seemed to think it was cute and I'm sure she told Jodie of my inquiries but it couldn't be helped. Besides, Jodie's plea had awakened me. I wasn't willing to say goodbye yet. The connection between us was stretched, and it was thin, but it was still there. I never forgot, on any day, that she was on the island somewhere, within reach.

Until the day she left on the tour.

She was gone. A small panic stewed inside me for three days until I gave in and called Moghul. I invited him to the island. What he'd said on the phone, with the music and laughter in the background, had seemed distant, trivial-like a saying you found in a fortune cookie, or one of those phone-a-friend last resort things you do on a game show. Yet what hinged on his words was so important. I wanted to hear it up close, where I could see his eyes.

We trudged across the cool morning sand at Horseshoe Bay with our surf skis and waded into the sea. The island was protected by the Great Barrier Reef so surf was non-existent. Getting out past the waves was a simple exercise most days. What waves? Surfers just shook their heads in dismay when they saw ours.

I took us out and around to Balding Bay at a good pace. We stopped a fair distance out from shore, paddles across our thighs, breathing hard, sweat beading on our skin.

"You ready to talk now, Klaus?" Moghul straightened and dipped his paddle in the sea on one side to curve the ski round to face me.

"Guess so."

For a man who said he rarely got the chance to take out a ski, Moghul still had the tight chest muscles of a man who exercised regularly. "You know, most days I have to stop myself calling you Santy Klaus."

I snorted. "Not Asshole Klaus?"

"That too. On occasion."

"Thank you for not rushing me."

"Wouldn't dream of it. Take your time. Only one thing." He tapped his fingers on the shaft of his paddle. "Just remember Jodie's a pretty woman. Some other Dom may snap her up if she decides to dip her toes back in the BDSM community."

Fuck no. "Huh. Over my dead body."

Moghul nodded soberly. "Think you've already made up your mind." He dabbed at the water again as a bigger wave rocked under our skis.

I grimaced, thinking some more. Farther out, a sea eagle speared into the water and rose up with a fish glinting in its talons. The rising sun beat flashes of light off the surface. The water was clear and blue, and a school of fish zipped past a long way down.

What if some other man did make a play for her?

"I doubt she could back away from kink now. Or even from TPE. We went at it hard and she was..." I rubbed my chin.

"Loving it?"