Semantics can be important, but I don't think progress turns on our willingness to apply a label to ourselves. I do think progress turns on our willingness to speak up about the impact gender has on us. We can no longer pretend that biases do not exist, nor can we talk around them. And as Harvard Business School has demonstrated, the result of creating a more equal environment will not just be better performance for our organizations, but quite likely greater happiness for all.

11

Working Together Toward Equality

I BEGAN THIS BOOK by acknowledging that women in the developed world are better off than ever, but the goal of true equality still eludes us. So how do we move forward? First, we must decide that true equality is long overdue and will be achieved only when more women rise to the top of every government and every industry. Then we have to do the hard work of getting there. All of us-men and women alike-have to understand and acknowledge how stereotypes and biases cloud our beliefs and perpetuate the status quo. Instead of ignoring our differences, we need to accept and transcend them.

For decades, we have focused on giving women the choice to work inside or outside the home. We have celebrated the fact that women have the right to make this decision, and rightly so. But we have to ask ourselves if we have become so focused on supporting personal choices that we're failing to encourage women to aspire to leadership. It is time to cheer on girls and women who want to sit at the table, seek challenges, and lean in to their careers.

Today, despite all of the gains we have made, neither men nor women have real choice. Until women have supportive employers and colleagues as well as partners who share family responsibilities, they don't have real choice. And until men are fully respected for contributing inside the home, they don't have real choice either. Equal opportunity is not equal unless everyone receives the encouragement that makes seizing those opportunities possible. Only then can both men and women achieve their full potential.1

None of this is attainable unless we pursue these goals together. Men need to support women and, I wish it went without saying, women need to support women too. Stanford professor Deborah Gruenfeld makes the case: "We need to look out for one another, work together, and act more like a coalition. As individuals, we have relatively low levels of power. Working together, we are fifty percent of the population and therefore have real power."2 As obvious as this sounds, women have not always worked together in the past. In fact, there are many discouraging examples where women have actually done the opposite.

We are a new generation and we need a new approach.

In the summer of 2012, my former Google colleague Marissa Mayer was named CEO of Yahoo. Like several of her friends and the Yahoo board, I knew that she was heading into her third trimester of pregnancy. Of course, many men take big jobs when their wives are weeks away from giving birth, and no one raises it as an issue, but Marissa's condition quickly became headline news. She was heralded as the first pregnant CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Feminists cheered. Then Marissa let it be known: "My maternity leave will be a few weeks long, and I'll work throughout it."3 Many feminists stopped cheering. Since taking such a short leave is not feasible or desirable for everyone, they argued that Marissa was hurting the cause by setting up unreasonable expectations.

So was this one giant leap forward for womankind and one baby step back? Of course not. Marissa became the youngest CEO of a Fortune 500 company ... while pregnant. She decided how she wanted to manage her career and family and never claimed that her choice should apply to anyone else. If she had cut Yahoo's maternity leave to two weeks for all employees, then concern would have been in order. She did not do this, but she was still roundly criticized. Even a European cabinet member weighed in.4 Like any individual, Marissa knows best what she is capable of given her particular circ.u.mstances. And as journalist Kara Swisher also noted, Marissa "has a husband who can actually take care of the child, and no one seems to remember that."5 Women who want to take two weeks off ... or two days ... or two years ... or twenty years deserve everyone's full support.

As Marissa's experience demonstrates, women in powerful positions often receive greater scrutiny. Because the vast majority of leaders are men, it is not possible to generalize from any one example. But the dearth of female leaders causes one woman to be viewed as representative of her entire gender.6 And because people often discount and dislike female leaders, these generalizations are often critical. This is not just unfair to the individuals but reinforces the stigma that successful women are unlikeable. A perfect and personal example occurred in May 2012, when a Forbes blogger posted an article ent.i.tled "Sheryl Sandberg Is the Valley's 'It' Girl-Just Like Kim Polese Once Was." He began his comparison by describing Kim, an early tech entrepreneur, as a "luminary" in the mid-1990s who never really earned her success, but was "in the right place at the right time [and was] young, pretty and a good speaker." The blogger then argued, "I think Polese is a good cautionary tale for ... Sheryl Sandberg."7 Ouch.

Kim and I had never met or spoken before this incident, but she defended both of us. In a published response, she described reading the blog post and how her "immediate thought was-how sad. How sad that as an industry and a society we haven't advanced over these past two decades when it comes to views on women and leadership. As with all the past lazy, stereotype-ridden articles like this one, it gets the facts wrong." After correcting the facts, she continued, "Views like these are all too commonplace, and part of a pervasive pattern that belittles, demeans and marginalizes women as leaders."8 So many other readers joined her in calling the post s.e.xist that the blogger posted an apology and retraction.9

I was grateful for Kim's vocal support. The more women can stick up for one another, the better. Sadly, this doesn't always happen. And it seems to happen even less when women voice a position that involves a gender-related issue. The attacks on Marissa for her maternity leave plans came almost entirely from other women. This has certainly been my experience too. Everyone loves a fight-and they really love a cat-fight. The media will report endlessly about women attacking other women, which distracts from the real issues. When arguments turn into "she said/she said," we all lose.

Every social movement struggles with dissension within its ranks, in part because advocates are pa.s.sionate and unlikely to agree on every position and solution. Betty Friedan famously and foolishly refused to work with-or even to shake hands with-Gloria Steinem. They both did so much to further women's rights. But what if they had been able to work together? Couldn't they have furthered the cause even more?

There are so many of us who care deeply about these matters. We should strive to resolve our differences quickly, and when we disagree, stay focused on our shared goals. This is not a plea for less debate, but for more constructive debate. In Marissa's case, it would have been great to keep the focus on her breakthrough achievements. Thanks to her high-profile appointment, other companies might consider hiring pregnant women for big jobs, and expectant mothers might be more inclined to apply for them. By diminishing Marissa's accomplishment, the attacks diminished us all.

It is a painful truth that one of the obstacles to more women gaining power has sometimes been women already in power. Women in the generations ahead of me believed, largely correctly, that only one woman would be allowed to ascend to the senior ranks in any particular company. In the days of tokenism, women looked around the room and instead of bonding against an unfair system, they often viewed one another as compet.i.tion. Ambition fueled hostility, and women wound up being ignored, undermined, and in some cases even sabotaged by other women.

In the 1970s, this phenomenon was common enough that the term "queen bee" was used to describe a woman who flourished in a leadership role, especially in male-dominated industries, and who used her position to keep other female "worker bees" down. For some, it was simple self-preservation. For others, it reflected their coming-of-age in a society that believed men were superior to women. In this sense, queen bee behavior was not just a cause of gender discrimination but also a consequence of that discrimination. Queen bees internalized the low status of women and in order to feel worthy themselves wanted only to a.s.sociate with men. Often, these queen bees were rewarded for maintaining the status quo and not promoting other women.10

Unfortunately, this "there can be only one" att.i.tude still lingers today. It makes no sense for women to feel that we are competing against one another anymore, but some still do. In certain instances, women question their female colleagues' level of career commitment, aggressiveness, and leadership abilities.11 One study found that female professors believed that male Ph.D. students were more committed to their careers than female Ph.D. students, even though a survey of the students found no gender difference in their reported levels of commitment.12 Other research suggests that once a woman achieves success, particularly in a gender-biased context, her capacity to see gender discrimination is reduced.13

It's heartbreaking to think about one woman holding another back. As former secretary of state Madeleine Albright once said, "There's a special place in h.e.l.l for women who don't help other women."14 And the consequences extend beyond individual pain. Women's negative views of female coworkers are often seen as an objective a.s.sessment-more credible than the views of men.15 When women voice gender bias, they legitimize it. Obviously, a negative att.i.tude cannot be gender based if it comes from another woman, right? Wrong. Often without realizing it, women internalize disparaging cultural att.i.tudes and then echo them back. As a result, women are not just victims of s.e.xism, they can also be perpetrators.

There is hope that this att.i.tude is changing. A recent survey found that "high-potential women" working in business want to "pay it forward," and 73 percent have reached out to other women to help them develop their talents.16 Almost all of the women I have encountered professionally have gone out of their way to be helpful. When I was a lowly summer intern at McKinsey, I met Diana Farrell, a star consultant, at a company-wide conference in Colorado. Diana had just spoken at a panel that I attended and we b.u.mped into each other afterward-where else?-in the women's room. We ended up having a talk that continued beyond the sinks, and she became a close friend and trusted advisor. Years later, she was one of the few who encouraged me to join Google.

The more women help one another, the more we help ourselves. Acting like a coalition truly does produce results. In 2004, four female executives at Merrill Lynch started having lunch together once a month. They shared their accomplishments and frustrations. They brainstormed about business. After the lunches, they would all go back to their offices and tout one another's achievements. They couldn't brag about themselves, but they could easily do it for their colleagues. Their careers flourished and each rose up the ranks to reach managing director and executive officer levels.17 The queen bee was banished, and the hive became stronger.

I know that not every woman encounters this kind of positive female support, and yet oddly, we often expect it. Most women don't a.s.sume that men will reach out and help, but with our own gender, we a.s.sume there will be a connection. We imagine women will act communally and maybe we do so out of our own bias. Once in my career, I felt that a senior woman treated me poorly. She would complain about me and my team behind my back but would not discuss any concerns she had with me, even when I asked directly. When I first met her, I had high hopes that she would be an ally. When she turned out to be not just unhelpful but actually spiteful, I was not just disappointed; I felt betrayed.

Sharon Meers explained to me that this feeling of betrayal was predictable. Both men and women do, in fact, demand more time and warmth from women in the workplace. We expect greater niceness from women and can become angry when they don't conform to that expectation. "I think that's a big part of the protest about executive women being 'mean' to other women," Sharon told me. "I think it's about a double standard we have when we look at female versus male superiors."

I now recognize that had this senior woman been a man and acted the same way, I still would have been frustrated, but I wouldn't have taken it so personally. It's time to drop the double standard. Gender should neither magnify nor excuse rude and dismissive treatment. We should expect professional behavior, and even kindness, from everyone.

Any coalition of support must also include men, many of whom care about gender inequality as much as women do. In 2012, Kunal Modi, a student at Harvard's Kennedy School, wrote an article imploring men to "Man Up on Family and Workplace Issues." He argued that "for the sake of American corporate performance and shareholder returns, men must play an active role in ensuring that the most talented young workers (often women ...) are being encouraged to advocate for their career advancement.... So men, let's get involved now-and not in a patronizing manner that marginalizes this as some altruistic act on behalf of our mothers, wives, and daughters-but on behalf of ourselves, our companies, and the future of our country."18

I applaud Kunal's message, especially his focus on active engagement. Men of all ages must commit to changing the leadership ratios. They can start by actively seeking out qualified female candidates to hire and promote. And if qualified candidates cannot be found, then we need to invest in more recruiting, mentoring, and sponsoring so women can get the necessary experience.

An "us versus them" crusade will not move us toward true equality. Nor will an "us versus us" crusade, which U.C. Hastings law professor Joan Williams calls the "gender wars." These wars are being waged on many fronts, but the mommy wars, which pit mothers who work outside the home against mothers who work inside the home, attract the most attention. As Professor Williams explains, "These mommy wars are so bitter because both groups' ident.i.ties are at stake because of another clash of social ideals: The ideal worker is defined as someone always available for work, and the 'good mother' is defined as always available to her children. So ideal-worker women need to prove that, although they weren't always there, their children are fine, fine, fine.... Women who have rejected the ideal-worker norm and settled for a slower career (or no career) need to prove that their compromise was necessary for the good of their families. So you have each group of women judging the other, because neither group of women has been able to live up to inconsistent ideals."19

Professor Williams is absolutely right. One of the conflicts inherent in having choice is that we all make different ones. There is always an opportunity cost, and I don't know any woman who feels comfortable with all her decisions. As a result, we inadvertently hold that discomfort against those who remind us of the path not taken. Guilt and insecurity make us second-guess ourselves and, in turn, resent one another.

In a letter to The Atlantic in June 2012, Barnard president Debora Spar wrote about this messy and complicated emotion, exploring why she and so many successful women feel so guilty. She decided that it's because women "have been subtly striving all our lives to prove that we have picked up the torch that feminism provided. That we haven't failed the mothers and grandmothers who made our ambitions possible. And yet, in a deep and profound way, we are failing. Because feminism wasn't supposed to make us feel guilty, or prod us into constant compet.i.tions over who is raising children better, organizing more cooperative marriages, or getting less sleep. It was supposed to make us free-to give us not only choices but the ability to make these choices without constantly feeling that we'd somehow gotten it wrong."20

Stay-at-home mothers can make me feel guilty and, at times, intimidate me. There are moments when I feel like they are judging me, and I imagine there are moments when they feel like I am judging them. But when I push past my own feelings of guilt and insecurity, I feel grateful. These parents-mostly mothers-const.i.tute a large amount of the talent that helps sustain our schools, nonprofits, and communities. Remember that mom who pointed out that my son should be wearing a green T-shirt on St. Patrick's Day? She is a tireless volunteer in the cla.s.sroom and our community. So many people benefit from her hard work.

Society has long undervalued the contributions of those who work without a salary. My mother felt this slight keenly. For seventeen years, she worked more than full-time as a mother and on behalf of Soviet Jewry. She understood that the compensation for her efforts was making a difference in the lives of persecuted people halfway across the world, but many people in her own neighborhood did not consider her work to be as important as a "real job." She was still regarded as "just a housewife"-undercutting the very real but unpaid work of raising children and advocating for human rights.

We all want the same thing: to feel comfortable with our choices and to feel validated by those around us. So let's start by validating one another. Mothers who work outside the home should regard mothers who work inside the home as real workers. And mothers who work inside the home should be equally respectful of those choosing another option.

A few years ago on a visit to the U.S. Naval Academy, I met an extraordinary woman who was about to join the U.S. Submarine Force as one of its first female officers. She was nervous about her new role and aware that there were risks in being an officer and not a gentleman. I asked her to let me know how it went. A year later, she followed up with a heartfelt e-mail. "Truthfully I was prepared for opposition and the possibility of being discounted," she wrote. "But it did not happen. I was respected the moment I stepped on board and I can truly say that I am a valued part of the crew." Unfortunately, she told me that she encountered resentment from another source-the navy wives. At an onsh.o.r.e "welcome" dinner, the wives of her colleagues pounced and accused her of being a "bra-burning feminist out to prove a point." They forced her to defend her career choice, reputation, and personal life. "I was shocked! Talk about uncomfortable!" she wrote. "I did my best to answer their questions and stand my ground. Eventually they backed off and started in on my husband!"

We must work harder to rise above this. The gender wars need an immediate and lasting peace. True equality will be achieved only when we all fight the stereotypes that hold us back. Feeling threatened by others' choices pulls us all down. Instead, we should funnel our energy into breaking this cycle.

Sharon Meers tells a story about a school parents' night she attended in which the children introduced their parents. Sharon's daughter Sammy pointed at her father and said, "This is Steve, he makes buildings, kind of like an architect, and he loves to sing." Then Sammy pointed at Sharon and said, "This is Sharon, she wrote a book, she works full-time, and she never picks me up from school." To Sharon's credit, hearing this account did not make her feel guilty. Instead, she said, "I felt mad at the social norms that make my daughter feel odd because her mother doesn't conform to those norms."

The goal is to work toward a world where those social norms no longer exist. If more children see fathers at school pickups and mothers who are busy at jobs, both girls and boys will envision more options for themselves. Expectations will not be set by gender but by personal pa.s.sion, talents, and interests.

I am fully aware that most women are not focused on changing social norms for the next generation but simply trying to get through each day. Forty percent of employed mothers lack sick days and vacation leave, and about 50 percent of employed mothers are unable to take time off to care for a sick child.21 Only about half of women receive any pay during maternity leave.22 These policies can have severe consequences; families with no access to paid family leave often go into debt and can fall into poverty.23 Part-time jobs with fluctuating schedules offer little chance to plan and often stop short of the forty-hour week that provides basic benefits.24

Too many work standards remain inflexible and unfair, often penalizing women with children. Too many talented women try their hardest to reach the top and b.u.mp up against systemic barriers. So many others pull back because they do not think they have a choice. All of this brings me back to Leymah Gbowee's insistence that we need more women in power. When leadership insists that these policies change, they will. Google put in pregnancy parking when I asked for it and it remains there long after I left. We must raise both the ceiling and the floor.

MY MOTHER had fewer choices than I did, but with my father's support, she has always worked hard. During my childhood, she chose to be a devoted mother and volunteer. When I left for college, she went back to school to study teaching English as a second language. She taught full-time for fifteen years and felt that teaching was her calling. "At one point, I was asked to become the administrator for the entire school," my mother told me. "I said no, preferring to stay in the cla.s.sroom and work with my students. I was exactly where I wanted to be."

In 2003, my mother left the workforce to take care of her ailing parents. She was sorry to leave her teaching career, but family has always been her top priority. After my grandparents pa.s.sed away, she reentered the workforce. She founded Ear Peace: Save Your Hearing, a nonprofit to prevent noise-induced hearing loss in young people. At the age of sixty-five, she has returned to her love of teaching, running workshops and speaking to students from elementary to high school.

My mother has leaned in her entire life. She raised her children, helped her parents spend their final years in dignity and comfort, and continues to be a dedicated and loving wife, mother, and grandmother. She has always contributed to her community and the world. She is my inspiration.

My mother wants to see society achieve true equality. She sees the barriers that women still face, but she also sees new opportunities. She believes that what I have achieved, and much more, is possible for many others. I agree. And more important, so many women that I have encountered agree. Filled with energy, optimism, and self-confidence, they are scrambling along that jungle gym and moving toward their long-term dream.

It's up to us to end the self-fulfilling belief that "women can't do this, women can't do that." Throwing up our hands and saying "It can't be done" ensures that it will never be done.

I have written this book to encourage women to dream big, forge a path through the obstacles, and achieve their full potential. I am hoping that each woman will set her own goals and reach for them with gusto. And I am hoping that each man will do his part to support women in the workplace and in the home, also with gusto. As we start using the talents of the entire population, our inst.i.tutions will be more productive, our homes will be happier, and the children growing up in those homes will no longer be held back by narrow stereotypes.

I know that for many women, getting to the top of their organization is far from their primary focus. My intention is not to exclude them or ignore their valid concerns. I believe that if more women lean in, we can change the power structure of our world and expand opportunities for all. More female leadership will lead to fairer treatment for all women. Shared experience forms the basis of empathy and, in turn, can spark the inst.i.tutional changes we need.

Critics have scoffed at me for trusting that once women are in power, they will help one another, since that has not always been the case.25 I'm willing to take that bet. The first wave of women who ascended to leadership positions were few and far between, and to survive, many focused more on fitting in than on helping others. The current wave of female leadership is increasingly willing to speak up. The more women attain positions of power, the less pressure there will be to conform, and the more they will do for other women. Research already suggests that companies with more women in leadership roles have better work-life policies, smaller gender gaps in executive compensation, and more women in midlevel management.26