"It was right for you guys to tell her to stay away from me." I said. "Permanently."

Paris raised a brow at me. Anger flared in her beautiful green eyes again. "Oh, I'm sorry bro. I think you misunderstood me. I wasn't asking her to stay away from you for your own good. It's for her own."

I stared back at her, seriously confused. I thought this girl looked up to me like I was her hero.

"From the moment you woke up, all you did was crush that poor girl's spirit, Ryder! The old you wouldn't be so ruthless." She said. "I can't stand on the sidelines and watch you beat her over and over again. That's why I wanted her to stay away until... you're you again."

Oh great! So now Astrid got to my baby sister too. What is it about that woman?

"Paris... there's no point fighting about this okay? Aren't you glad that at least you still have a brother?" I asked.

Guilt crossed her face. And then she sat down on the bed beside me. She sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry. I am glad that you're back. I just... hope you would be your old happy self again."

"I am happy." I said.

She shook her head. "No, you're not, Ry." She sighed. "I saw you that morning of the day of the accident. You were... in heaven. You talk like you can't believe what was happening to you. There's a permanent smile on your face, and your eyes were sparkling like you're mad." She smiled bitterly at the memory. "That's happiness, Ryder. When I saw you that morning, it made me wish..." She swallowed back a sob. "It made me wish I could fall in love again. That I could smile like an idiot like you were. The first time you saw me, you gave me a hug, lifted me off my feet and spun me around like I was still six years old. I knew that you really were happy."

I listened to her in shock. The person she described wasn't me at all. What did I smoke that day?

"Was I high?" I asked.

She giggled. "No, you idiot." She said. "You just came back from Malibu. And you told me you were actually thinking of flying back there in the evening. I thought you were crazy for even thinking you could go back and forth from Manhattan to Malibu everyday!"

"Okay, I thought you said I wasn't stoned. Because that doesn't sound like something a sane person would do."

"Yes, you were crazy, Ryder. You were crazy in love with Ash." Paris said sadly.

I felt overwhelming sadness filled me all of a sudden. I can't understand it. But at that moment, I felt miserable. As if I remembered feeling all the things that Paris said, but even before I try to grasp on to that feeling, it was gone. And for that, I suddenly felt angry. I don't know why. I don't even know who I was mad at.

"Paris, please." I whispered. "Could you leave me be for a while?" I asked, turning away from her and closing my eyes.

I heard her deep sigh of frustration. And then she headed towards the door and closed it behind her.

There is no doubt in my mind that I wanted Astrid. I could feel desire reel through me at the mention of her name. But at the same time, I can't remember feeling all the things that my sister and my friends were saying to me. I can't feel the love they desperately wanted me to remember. Lust is different from love.

And the lunatic my sister described to me was not me at all. Did I become a whole different person because of her? I like being me. I'm happy being me. I'm contented with my life. I don't need to change for a woman. Moreover, I don't need to be weak because of her.

For years I have been careful not to fall in love. Love means weakness. And I can't bear the thought of being weak... not even for one second. I can't bear to have another person have full control of my life, or my emotions. I built a God damn shield to keep feeling emotions that would lead to my fall someday.

I don't know the guy my friends and my sister kept describing me as. That was not me. That guy is an idiot! He sounded like he's ready to give up everything he worked hard for, his wealth and his life and hand it to a woman on a silver platter.

There was only one woman I would have wished for if ever I would fall in love at all. A woman who would love me even if I wasn't Ryder Van Woodsen. Somebody who wants me even if I don't have money in my pocket. But reality check! My family was too popular, my name always rang a bell. I was probably one of the most eligible bachelors in the city, even in the country, I was easily recognizable and wanted. By wanted I didn't mean, women really wanted me. They wanted the heir of the Van Woodsen multi-million empire.

No. It's impossible to find a woman who would really like me for who I am. She doesn't exist. I could only hope to marry well to ensure the family wealth stays intact and my wife does not use her status to extort me for all I was worth. That was the plan. I was okay with that. That was my reality.

But my friends were telling me differently. How the hell did I let go of all I believe in for a woman? How the hell did that woman get through my shield?

Maybe it's a good thing that I lost my memory. Because I have been given a chance to undo this foolishness without the complications of the so-called-undying-love I apparently have for her.

Ch

apter Twenty-Six

BRIDAL REGISTRY:.

A log of the couple's gift preferences aimed at making it easier for wedding guests to shop for gifts for the couple.

Astrid.

I went to the hospital every single day. But I never got a chance to see Ryder. The doctors didn't encourage it until all the tests were done and they were sure about the gravity of his amnesia.

"You should go back to Malibu." Janis advised. "We'll keep you posted, when he's ready to see you."

I shook my head. "He will at least try to see me, Jan." I said hopefully. "Maybe if he sees me... it would trigger some memories to come back."

"We have to do this slowly, Ash." Jake said. "Only time could help Ryder now."

I think the sight of me is unsettling to Ryder and it doesn't help his recovery if he's emotionally aggravated. But I couldn't help myself. Once, when he was sound asleep, I went to his room. Tears welled up in my eyes as I saw him still in bandages. I'm so happy that he made it. Even though he doesn't remember me, I will still always be thankful that God heard my prayers. Ryder is alive.

I leaned forward and rested my head on his arm. I allowed tears to come. I wanted to feel his warmth. I wanted to feel his love again. But I guess I have to wait some more. I know deep inside that mind of his are his memories of me. And he would fight for his way back.

I stared at his peaceful, handsome face. Ryder. My knight in shining armor. My rock. Now, I would have to be strong for our love. And I would wait for him, no matter how much it hurts.

"I love you." I whispered. Then I leaned forward and kissed his forehead gently, still careful not to wake him up. "Come back to me, Ryder."

I felt his fingers flinch a little. My heart pounded inside my chest. I know he's not ready for me yet. And I don't want to make things worse than they already are. So slowly, I backed down from the bed and tiptoed my way out of his room. I leaned on his door and took a deep breath.

When I opened my eyes, I found a pair of curious, beautiful green eyes staring back at me.

Paris smiled at me apologetically. "Did he see you?" She asked.

I shook my head.

"I know it hurts, sweetheart." She said. "But give it a little bit more time. He'll come around. And I'm sure he would ask for you." She gave my hand a squeeze and then finally, she went inside the room.

In spite of all their advices, I still went to the hospital every single day. Once in a while, when I know he's sound asleep, I would go to his room. I would whisper "I love you" as I kiss him goodnight before I go back to his apartment and cry my heart out.

A month had passed before he finally asked for me.

"Are you Astrid?" A nurse asked me while I was on my usual spot in the waiting room. I was alone, waiting for one of Ryder's friends or family to keep me company.

I nodded.

"Mr. Van Woodsen would like to see you." She smiled.

I felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he finally remembered me. I stood up from my seat and followed the nurse to his room. Ryder was sitting on the bed. He looked better than the last time I saw him. His stitches look like they were starting to heal now.

I stood at the foot of his bed. The nurse left us. Ryder stared at me for a long time. He was studying me. My heart pounded in my chest, and I realized that I wasn't breathing properly.

When I looked into his eyes, I couldn't see the usual emotion he used to have whenever he looks at me. His expression was void of love and tenderness. I bit my lip, hoping desperately that he would say something.

Then finally, he took a deep breath and said, "Well, at least you are pretty."

He didn't say that gently. I couldn't recognize the exact emotion in his voice. He sounded like he was angry, but he was also a little relieved. "You say you're my girlfriend?"

"Y-yes." I said weakly.

He raised a brow. "You lack conviction when you say that. It makes it harder for me to believe it."

I took a deep breath again and then repeated my answer, "Yes, Ryder. I am your girlfriend." I said louder.

"How long have we been together?"

I didn't know how to explain this. Unofficially, we've been together for about ten months. But officially, it was a lot shorter than that. Yeah, like two days before he forgot about me.

"We've been together for less than a week before your accident... officially."

"Officially?"

I nodded. "We've been pretending to be engaged for about ten months now."

He narrowed his eyes. "Pretending?"

I nodded. "It's a long story."

"I'm sure! As you can see, I can't remember all the stupid things I did this year. So please... feel free to enlighten me!"

"Stupid?" I repeated. That felt like a slap in the face. Did he think having me as a girlfriend was stupid?

"Yes." He replied. "Why would I pretend to be somebody's fiance? Do I look like I couldn't get a woman to marry me for real?"

I shook my head. "No."

"Then why, Ms. Jacobson, would I pretend to be your fiance?"

I sighed. "Because I asked you to. My ex-fiance cheated on me with my cousin and I attended their wedding with you. You helped me out, so I could save my pride and my dignity in front my family."

"Why would I do that?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Because... because you said you liked me. And that was your way to get to know me."

He raised a brow. "You mean I agreed to play along with your charade so I could get you to bed?" He asked blatantly.

My eyes widened. "No, Ryder." I said. "You would never do that. It was never about the sex for you. You're... for real. You really cared about me."

"I couldn't care about you on such a short notice, miss. I wonder what you did before that."

"You said... you said I got under my skin the first moment you laid eyes on me."

He stared at me. And then he laughed so hard, it started to insult me. He shook his head. "Clearly, miss, you are mistaken. That does not sound like me at all." He swung his legs to the side of the bed and he stood up.

My heart pounded in my chest as he approached me. When he was close enough he looked down and studied my face. He looked into my eyes. Then I saw a glimmer of emotion there, some sort of recognition. But it was so short, I thought I must have imagined it. "Are your eyes violet?" He asked.

I nodded. I couldn't breathe. He was standing too close. And it kills me to know that this is the same man I love, my Ryder... and yet he's so different and because of that, I couldn't get through him at all.

"You sure you're not a witch?" He asked. "Because you must have put me under a spell or given me a love potion. That would be the only explanation for all my rash actions. The man you are telling me about now does not sound like me at all."

I closed my eyes in disbelief. Then I took a deep breath and reminded myself that it's not his fault there's a stupid cloud in his brain that veils his memories of me.

"Ryder, I know this is too much to handle for now." I think Jake was right to keep me away from him for the past month. "Let's... take this slow." I said to him.

"Well, you should have told me that ten months ago!" He said. "Apparently, this year I did everything in super fast mode! If you really know me, Ms. Jacobson, you know I don't fall for a woman that fast. I am not rash. More importantly, I am not gullible."

I nodded. "I know that, Ryder."

"So can you just tell me what you want from me and we can end this charade now? My life is already complicated as it is."

"Ryder..." I started. What is he saying? Is he breaking up with me? Without him knowing me and everything that happened to us in the last year? This is so unfair!

"What did you really want, Miss Jacobson? Is it the money? How much?"

"What?" I asked back, totally appalled.

"Come on, miss. It's only the two of us in here. And I noticed that you have won over my mother, my sister and my best friends. I want you to stay away from them too. Could we stop all pretenses now, and let's just go our separate ways and pretend nothing happened? I am willing to compensate you for your trouble."

My eyes widened. I swear, if Ryder didn't already have a brain injury, I am going to inflict one on him. I was seething with anger. How dare he? What does he think of me?

"I don't believe this!" I threw my hands in the air.

"I know, right? Me too!" He rolled his eyes sarcastically.

I stared back at him, tears starting to brim my eyes.