"God, what have I done?" I whispered.

I heard him sigh and then I felt him take me in his arms.

"You made love to me, and it was amazing, Astrid! I refuse to regret it no matter what you say or do! I will not feel sorry about last night. There is nothing to be ashamed of."

I pulled away from him. Then I turned my back on him. I don't have the courage or the face to look at him yet.

"We better go." I said curtly.

I heard him sigh but he didn't say anything more.

I went to the shower and had a long bath. I wanted to cry, but the tears just wouldn't come. I wanted to remember my dream of giving myself to Bryan months ago. But all I can think of is Ryder, touching me, loving me, making love to me... I remember his fleeting, feather-light touches around my face and neck, his eyes staring into mine, the incredulous look on his face when he had felt the barrier of my innocence. I remember screaming his name over and over as I reached the realms of pleasure. He brought me to heaven twice and I clung to him with all that I am. I didn't even know I was capable of feeling all those things. I didn't know I could be sexual. I didn't know I could want a man the way I wanted him last night... or the way I think I still want him now.

When I got out of the shower, I was dressed in a long robe, fully covered.

Ryder came past me on his way to the bathroom. He was wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist, his abs in my view, and I couldn't help the desire that reeled through me again.

He stopped and stared at me for a long moment. I couldn't move as I stare back at him. He raised a brow at me. Somehow, he looked irritated, like he was stopping himself from saying or doing something.

Great! The first guy I ever made love to is irritated with me already... after just one night! I thought glumly.

He narrowed his eyes, as if he was trying to decipher something in my expression. Then he shook his head slightly and went into the bathroom.

I felt frustrated. Last night, he was the perfect knight in shining armor. He came to my rescue graciously, and absorbed every shock, every pain for me. Somehow all that changed this morning. Somehow, I see something in his eyes that resembles cold fury, as if I said or did something that offended him.

I have no way of knowing if Ryder slept with me because he wanted me for real. If I weren't writing him a check, I'd probably believe he did. And Adam was right. I don't know Ryder at all. He looks like a god and he knows it. I don't know how often he has sex with a woman who throws herself at him. He probably made love to me because he thought it was part of our bargain.

I quickly dressed and then I placed his final check on the table.

I laughed humorlessly because right now, I felt like an old, lonely matron, paying for a younger, handsome guy to pleasure me!

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I know I couldn't bear to face Ryder like that. He'll try to make me feel better again, and I have had enough pretensions to last me a lifetime. All the pretences we put up with last night were enough, thank you very much! I couldn't bear to have him look at me with sincere, admiring eyes, knowing I paid him to do that. I came here on a mission and he helped me accomplish it. But it's over now.

He came out of the bathroom.

"Here's the rest of your payment." I said to him. I placed a pair of sunglasses over my eyes. I didn't want him to see just how painful this was all for me. "I'll meet you at the lobby. I'll see Nicole and probably say goodbye to my parents."

He didn't say anything. He just stared at me. His face was cold. Other than that, I couldn't make out the expression on his face.

"Will you ask the bellboy to bring my bag downstairs?"

He nodded once. Still he didn't say anything.

"Okay, I'll see you later." I hesitated, but when he made no move to stop me, I left the room.

I dialed Nicole's number. I hope she didn't go home last night. I desperately needed someone to talk to.

"It's too early!" She groaned.

"Where are you?" I asked.

She gave me her room number and I rushed to it. Within a few minutes, I was banging on her door.

"What is wrong with you?" She asked angrily.

"Nothing." I replied coming into the room. Somehow, her room seemed small, as I compare it to the room I shared with Ryder.

"Where's Ryder?" She asked.

"In our room." I replied.

Her eyes widened. "You spent the night in one room?"

I nodded. "He rented the Paradise Suite." I said.

"That's expensive."

"I know. But I think the ten grand should cover it."

I made a cup of coffee and then we sat on her balcony.

"You guys were great last night, Ash." Nicole said smiling. "You really did look genuinely in love with each other. You were every girl's envy last night."

I sighed. "I envy myself last night." I murmured.

Nicole laughed. "I know. You couldn't help wishing it was true. That you really are in that... state already. Except that you still hurt."

I sighed. Hurt? Somehow, a different kind of pain was bothering me now. I have not thought of Bryan all morning. All I could think about was Ryder and the pleasures we shared last night... and then the cold look he gave me this morning.

"You did go overboard on the kissing, you know." Nicole teased. "I don't think you were pretending."

"Maybe we're not." I said, sighing.

"Excuse me?"

"Well... he said to me that we weren't pretending. That last night, we really did belong to each other." I sighed glumly. "Only... I got carried away."

Nicole stared at me for a moment and then she asked, "Got carried away how?"

I sighed. I contemplated on telling her what really happened but then I decided against it. I don't think she'd understand. Somehow, I can't bear for anyone to think that I paid to have my virginity taken away from me. How pathetic could I be?

"I forgot that my life still sucked when I woke up today." I said.

"Oh God, Ash! Please!" She rolled her eyes. "I hope you saw the beautiful girl I saw last night. She was radiant, she was confident! Your life does not suck! Bryan was stealing glances at you the whole time. Trust me! I was looking at him. He couldn't get his eyes off you and he was throwing daggers at Ryder whenever he can. Trust me, that guy is chewing his nails last night! He wanted you more than he wanted his bride. And the fact that Ryder was all over you was driving him crazy."

I stared at Nicole. I tried to feel sorry for Bryan but the only thing I feel now is... I don't know... a sense of vindication. But a bigger part of me still thinks about all the things that happened between Ryder and me last night. Somehow, in the middle of the charade, something changed. Something in me. I couldn't pinpoint what it was. And the look he gave me before I left him is still playing over and over in my head. He looked really pissed with me.

"Everybody was looking at you, Ash. They admired your courage. They thought you and Ryder are just the perfect couple. You are. You really are." She said. "He's a sweet guy."

I sighed. "Too sweet."

Nicole stared at me. "You like him, don't you?"

I stared at her and immediately, I knew my cheeks burned.

"Oh my God, you like him! For real! You weren't pretending!" Nicole accused.

I rolled my eyes. "Nicole, please! Ryder could have had his pick of any woman last night. But he was mine. Because I paid him to be. It was a gig for him. And he did well."

"Come on, Ash. You should give yourself more credit than that! You're beautiful, for crying out loud! Don't let what Geena and Bryan did to you make you feel any less about yourself. You deserve better than that. A lot better."

I tried to understand what Nicole was saying to me. But being dumped and cheated on by the two people you thought admired you the most can really take a toll on your self-respect and confidence. And right now, I still couldn't move past that. I still think I must be the most unattractive and unlovable person on earth for them to do what they did to me.

Nicole finished packing and then we went to the lobby.

"Do you have a ride?" I asked her.

She nodded. "Yes. I'll go with the rest of the crew. We have a van. You know how it works."