Again.

Sitting up, he forced himself to stillness, to calm, to breathe slower. Experience taught him the hard way; when he breathed heavily and felt like he was still suffocating, the fact was he was actually breathing too hard, too fast, and the oxygen didn't have time to work. He had to slow it down, even though every instinct in him wanted to breathe harder and faster.

There was a time when just getting up like that would trigger a response. Someone would reach over and pat him on the back and try to soothe him. But now…

Alone in his room, he fought an old fight, an all too familiar struggle to live, to breathe.

Weariness seeped in his bones. Sometimes, he wanted to just lie down and let it all end. Stop the fighting, stop the struggling, and just let go…

Fight. Have to fight. Remian got to his feet, and left his gloomy dark room. He went out onto the deck, and looked up at the stars.

It was a beautiful night. The world was a beautiful place. He should be wanting to live, doing his absolute best to live…

"Remian?" Mindy approached. "You heard?"

"Heard what?" Remian asked.

"The lynxmice. The ones we left at the Stag Lord's fief. They've found the camp of the Wave Callers." Mindy told him. "The report just came in as we pa.s.sed Fal'Herim."

"Good." Remian was careful to breathe evenly, slowly.

But Mindy noticed something was odd anyway. "Are you all right? Is there something I can do for you?"

"No, it's fine." Remian waved her away.

"Come on. Surely there must be something. I already owe you so much…"

"You don't owe me anything."

Mindy barked a short laugh. "Just my life. My freedom. My sister's freedom. My friends' freedom. The very chance to fly an airs.h.i.+p, let alone owning one! Remian, honestly, I owe you everything."

Remian coughed, feeling a sudden heat in his face. "Keep going like that and you're going to embarra.s.s me."

Mindy suddenly paused, then she also seemed to be turning bright red. Even in the moonlight it was visible. "So, is there… anything… I can do for you?"

Remian thought for a bit, then said, "Some hot cocoa would be nice."

Mindy burst out laughing. "You know, for that level of grat.i.tude we're talking about, most girls would happily throw themselves at your feet."

"That would only make me stumble."

"Or fall head over heels." Mindy countered. "You never know. Speaking of, what's the deal between you and Phoebe? I feel as though there's something there…"

"Phoebe? Medical bills, mainly." Remian figured. "Anything else would probably be more than I could afford."

"You do know I'm talking about romance, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"Then why not at least give it a shot before you make a.s.sumptions?"

Remian shook his head. "I don't think there's any point."

"I think there's plenty of reason to at least try for happiness." Mindy prodded. "Just looking at you in the moonlight just now, you seemed very lonely. Isn't that alone worth the effort?"

Remian shut his mouth. He just stopped talking and wouldn't say what was on his mind.

Mindy blinked, actually feeling an odd sort of hurt and not sure why. She hesitated, but still, she tried. "Come on. Can't you tell me? It's me, remember?"

"Sorry." Remian shook his head slowly. "I can't."

He turned away slowly…

"It's Mandy, isn't it?" Mindy said softly, then. "You still haven't gotten over her."

Remian did not refute.

"Does it help to say that I think she's been a total annoyance? That she's been acting all high-and-mighty while refusing to see what was right in front of her nose? She's been insufferably arrogant." Mindy said. "See? I'm still learning more and more words, by myself. Just like you taught me."

"That is good." Remian ruffled her hair, entirely by instinct.

Mindy stopped. "You really do see me like a younger sister, don't you?"

"Haven't I been saying that all this time? There was a time you were literally my sister-in-law."

Mindy gave him a flat look. "Yeah, definitely haven't gotten over her. All this time you've been acting all cool and you were really missing her. Is that why you've been trying so hard to put George in charge? So that you could leave and join her in Ashdale?"

"I won't leave. Not till I've died." Remian said.

Mindy rolled her eyes. "So gallant. So stubborn. Do you think maybe she hates the Frontier because you chose it over her? All that nonsense she spouts could just be a cover."

"Maybe. Probably." Remian shook his head. "But among all the things she's said, the one I believe the most is that she really can't bear to live in the Wildlands any more."

"So why not drop her entirely and go be happy with someone else?" Mindy asked. "Even if you're not too fond of Phoebe, there are other girls around."

"There's nothing wrong with Phoebe. She has a bit of a cold att.i.tude towards others' pain, sometimes, but she looks great and theres literally n.o.body who knows better how to take care of me."

"Then…?"

"Maybe I will go ask her out sometime." Remian sighed.

"Oddly enough, you don't sound too excited about it."

"Mmmhmm."

"You're just saying that to get me to shut up about it, aren't you?"

"Mmmhmm."

Mindy snorted. "Fine. Go be miserable."

She threw up her hands, gave him a jaunty wave and marched off.

Remian watched her go.

Then, he sighed. "There goes my hot cocoa."

***

Admiral Mindy went back to her cabin to do something productive, like scour over airs.h.i.+ps schematics and other juicy, happy options.

It was time to get a new airs.h.i.+p. The Red Fang was fast and deadly, but it was lousy at carrying cargo. Almost as bad as Remian was at carrying burdens he really shouldn't.

Productive activity, Mindy! Productive! Thinking badly of Remian did not qualify! What was it Charlie said? Time spent on wasteful activity had a hidden cost; you lose out on the things you could be doing.

So! Airs.h.i.+ps! Mindy dove into her own form of retail therapy.

She needed a Galleon-cla.s.s, at least. Frigates like this could barely squeeze cargo on board. A lot of its capacity had been dedicated to equipment. Short of hanging netting over the side and tying crates in them, Mindy had little way of increasing the cargo capacity and therefore profitability of this military frigate.

No. She needed something like the Sky Barge, capably of carrying ten times as much. But of course, the Sky Barge was not made for long-distance travel, or any distance travel, really. If it weren't dragged around by a Tug, it simply wouldn't budge on its own. Like Remian.

Stop! Thinking badly of Remian is NOT productive! Airs.h.i.+ps, Mindy! Airs.h.i.+ps!!

Now. She needed something like one of Deutero's Sky Galleons. Deutero's Sky Galleons came in 2 variants, Variant E, which was more economic, carried more cargo, but moved slower, and a Variant S, which had a bigger engine but about a tenth less cargo capacity. Both were built with reinforced structures, which Mindy was of two minds about. On one hand, it made for a lot of unnecessary weight, but on the other hand, if the weather got rough or if she wanted to push the engine into overdrive, she would be very thankful for a stronger structure.

Even the Economy version would cost some ten million credits. The Speedy version could cost over twelve million. Getting one second-hand could halve those prices, but even so, she'd need to make at least one more trip to afford it. A couple more, to be safe, and to have enough money left over for trading. Best to consult Remian…

Oh sc.r.a.p.

Mindy felt her cheeks wet before she finally gave up on trying not to think about him.

"Blast it, Remian, I'm a girl too, you know?!" Mindy whispered the words no one would hear, and then finally decided to go to sleep.