"It depends." Bess lowered herself to the floor and rested her back against the vanity doors. "Some women get sick from the very start."

Carly's stomach finally settled enough for her to sit back on her heels.

"Just to be on the safe side," Bess said, "maybe we should call Dr. Merrick to make sure the meds you're taking won't hurt the baby."

"What baby?" Carly made tight fists on her knees and peered owlishly at her friend, whose face was a misty blur. "Thereis no baby, Bess. There can't be." Another wave of nausea struck. Carly leaned back over the toilet bowl and cradled her head on her arms. "Oh, God, what am I going to do? I'm not running a fever. Usually, with the flu, I run a fever."

Bess curled a hand over Carly's shoulder. "Well, first of all, we aren't going to panic."

"Right," Carly said thinly. "Probably just something I ate."

"Exactly," Bess replied in a calm, reassuring way. "Nausea can be caused by countless things. We'll just have to wait and see. If your period's late and you're still feeling puny, then you should take a home-pregnancy test."

Carly couldn't believe this was happening.

"Meanwhile," Bess went on, "it only seems wise to call the doctor and ask how a fetus might affect your eyes. Lattice dystrophy is such a rare disease, you just never know." She quickly tacked on, "Not saying there is a baby, mind you. You'll just be covering all the bases that way."

"Right." Carly cautiously straightened again. The flush lever on the toilet tank swam in her vision, its metallic glint creating a brilliant, dancing orb. "My focus is all out of whack."

Bess leaned over to push a hank of hair from Carly's eyes. "That help?"

"No." Carly pressed her fingers to the base of her throat, closed her eyes, and took several shallow breaths.

"I'm sure it's nothing to worry about," Bess said. "The doctor told you to expect bouts of blurry vision for several months."

Carly nodded, recalling the doctor's warnings that the visual aberrations would frequently incapacitate her for at least three months, making it almost impossible for her to hold down a job or function normally. That was why she'd scheduled the first surgery, called superficial keratectomy or SK, for late May, so the blurry vision and other visual problems would be mostly over before school started in September. Later, because the improvements brought about by SK didn't last forever, she would probably need another operation.

A few minutes later Bess led the way to the kitchen, dialed the number of the corneal specialist in Portland, and handed Carly the phone. When the doctor got on the line, he was not pleased to hear that Carly could be pregnant.

"If you were planning to have a baby, you never should have had the first SK," he said. "Pregnancy can adversely affect lattice dystrophy and shorten the effectiveness of the procedure."

Carly's eyes throbbed from the recent bout of vomiting, and all she could think to say was, "I see," which seemed stupid, given the circumstances.

Merrick sighed. "I should have stressed the dangers of pregnancy more strongly. During one of our talks, you gave me the impression that you weren't sexually active and pregnancy wasn't an immediate concern. I planned to go over the long-term instructions in more detail during your six-week checkup."

Carly remembered the conversation to which he referred, and he was right; she'd told him that she wanted to be able to see while she was attending grad school so she could have a more normal social life and possibly start dating.

"Circumstances change," was all she could think to say. "I didn't plan the encounter, Dr. Merrick. It just-sort of happened."

"I see." Papers rustled at his end. A brief silence ensued. "If you are pregnant and your condition shortens the life of the SK, I will strongly advise against your having a second procedure until after the child is born."

Carly's headache made it difficult to think. "Are you saying I might go blind again before the baby comes, and you won't be able to do anything?"

"If you are pregnant, and the first SK fails quickly, it'll be a strong indication that your lattice dystrophy will have an adverse effect on any follow-up procedures done during the pregnancy. You can only have so many superficial keratectomies and corneal transplants. Why waste an entire series at a time when your disease is running rampant? You'd be throwing away years of sightedness."

Carly understood his reasoning; she just found it difficult to accept. "I definitely don't want to have more surgeries done while I'm pregnant if they're just going to fail. That's why I waited so long to have the first operation, so I'd be sighted when I entered the workforce. I'll want to see as long as I possibly can."

The doctor cleared his throat. "At this point, you're not positive that you're pregnant. Correct?"

"Correct."

"It might be wise to go in for a blood test. They're accurate before a missed menses." She heard a thump at his end of the line and then the rustling of pages, indicating to her that he might be leafing through a book of some kind. "Here we go," he said. "St. Luke's is the hospital there. I'll fax them an order this afternoon so you can go in for a blood draw first thing Monday morning. That way, we'll know for certain straight away."

"Okay," Carly said hollowly.

"In the meantime, don't worry too much about losing your sight. No point in borrowing trouble. Pregnancy affects some lattice patients adversely at a very rapid rate, but others skate through with only minimal problems. If you are pregnant, maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones."

"I'm having trouble focusing right now. Things get clear, and then they go all fuzzy."

"Have you followed through and seen the doctor I recommended there in Crystal Falls for a postsurgical exam?" Papers rustled again. "Ah, yes, here's the report. According to him, everything looked fine. That was what-ten days ago?"

"About that."

"He's a topnotch eye surgeon and qualified to spot any problems arising from the surgery. The blurry vision you're experiencing right now is probably normal. Even if your vision has improved to twenty-twenty now that your corneas are healing, your visual cortex is still inadequately trained to process and assimilate all that your eyes take in. As a result, there'll be times when it plays tricks on you. It's not uncommon to look directly at something and not see it. Or to think you see something that isn't actually there. Think of it as a new memory bank over which you have little control-much like one experiences during dreams, with random images popping up. Only with you, it can occur when you're awake," Carly knew all about seeing things that didn't exist, namely the tenderness she'd glimpsed in Hank Coulter's eyes.

"Incidents of blurry vision," the doctor continued, "will gradually become less frequent and go away in time. You'll still have trouble noticing details, such as background patterns, and your depth perception may always be poor, but your focus will sharpen. You just need to take it easy until your visual cortex has had time to adjust."

"If I'm pregnant and it adversely affects my lattice, how long do you think it will take for me to lose my sight?"

Alarmed by Carly's side of the conversation, Bess came to stand nearby.

Dr. Merrick took a moment to reply. "There's no pat answer to that question. It all depends on the patient, the severity of the lattice to begin with, and a host of other things. You may notice no change in your vision for months. Then again, your sight could go quickly."

"I've forfeited my legally blind status, Dr. Merrick. If I lose my sight again, how long will it take to get me reinstated so I can get special financial aid for school?"

"Once you've had corrective surgery and your sight is restored to twenty-two hundred or better, you become ineligible for legally blind status until all possible surgical procedures to correct the problem have been done. In short, you can't get reinstated unless you have another SK, then a transplant, and both procedures fail."

Carly leaned weakly against the counter. "That doesn't seem fair. If I go blind from the pregnancy and can't have a corrective procedure done until after the baby's born, how will I attend grad school? I won't have any special funding."

"I don't make the laws," he reminded her. "Before We start painting worst-case scenarios, let's be sure there's cause for concern. Erring on the side of caution, you should stop taking those pain pills I prescribed over the weekend. Hopefully, your corneas have healed enough by now that the analgesic drops will keep you comfortable."

Carly felt numb by the time she hung up the phone. "Well, that was an uplifting conversation." She quickly filled Bess in on everything the doctor had said. "If I'm pregnant and it messes up my SK, I'm sunk until after the baby's born."

Bess looped an arm around Carly's shoulders. They stood there, leaning against each other for some time. When Bess finally drew away, she said, "If you lose your sight again, you'll have to have special financial aid to stay in school. I can't believe they would make you have two more surgical procedures before you could be reinstated."

"Those are the breaks. I'll have to drop out and reapply for the master's program next year."

"Oh, Carly, you've worked so long for this. If you drop out, I'm afraid you'll never go back. With a child to support, getting that master's degree will be all the more important. Not only will it make you more marketable, but it'll substantially increase your income."

"I already have my bachelor's. At least I have that going for me." Carly's head was killing her. "I'll get my master's, Bess. One way or another. It may just take longer than I hoped." Carly sat at the table. "I can't believe this is happening to me."

The following morning, Carly felt sick again. The nausea abated in the afternoon and was gone entirely by early evening, which she took as a bad sign. She lay on her bed, one hand pressed to her lower abdomen. A baby. She couldn't believe that a life could begin in such a sordid way. Children should be wanted and loved by their parents, not looked upon as mistakes.

Until that instant, Carly hadn't thought of the baby as a little person with feelings and needs, but now that she had, she couldn't banish the images from her mind. A child.

Now that she had come to think of the baby as an individual, it was difficult for her to wish it gone. As a very young girl, she'd always wanted to have kids someday. Later, when she reached her teens and began to realize boys weren't interested in her because of her blindness, she'd abandoned her dreams of motherhood and focused on becoming a teacher of the visually disabled instead.

Curling onto her side, she wrapped both arms around her waist, feeling suddenly protective of the life that might be growing inside her.

Bess came in and sat on the edge of the bed. "Penny for them."

Carly rolled onto her back. "I've just been coming to terms with the possibilities. Not knowing for sure if I'm pregnant yet, it's kind of hard to decide how I feel, but I think -well, if I am, Bess, I think I owe it to the baby to be happy about it. So what if it turns my life upside down? There are worse things."

Bess braced her arms on the mattress behind her. "I agree. Looking on the gloomy side doesn't seem productive. If you're going to keep this baby, we need to be upbeat about it,"

Carly stared at the ceiling. A few days ago, she'd been able to make out some of the texture swirls in the plaster. Now she couldn't. She hoped that was due to the dim light. "I'll definitely keep the baby. Clinical abortion goes against everything I'm about, everything I believe in."

"We've never really discussed it, but I've always sensed you felt that way."

"It's the only way I can feel," Carly murmured. "When I was conceived, my mom was forty-three. I'm sure they must have considered ending the pregnancy because of her age. If they'd made that decision, I wouldn't be here."

"That's a pretty heavy thought to carry around all your life."

Carly ran her fingertips over the chenille. "It's kept things in perspective for me. There were times, particularly in my teens, when I felt bitter about being born blind. I always cheered myself up by considering the alternative, not being here at all. It hasn't always been easy, but I've enjoyed my life, and before it's all said and done, I hope to make it count for something by working with the visually disabled. When I think in terms of all or nothing, I'm really glad my folks had me."

"I'll second that. The world wouldn't be the same without you in it."

Carly smiled. "You just love me." She fell silent for a moment. "Looking back on my childhood, I know it must have been difficult for my parents sometimes. Having a disabled kid is no walk in the park. But they never once seemed to regret having me. I'll always be grateful for that."

"I didn't realize your mom was that old when you were born. Do you suppose her age was a contributing factor to your blindness?"

"Maybe." Carly had wondered the same thing her-self. There was no history of congenital cataracts or lattice dystrophy on either side of her family. "It doesn't matter what caused it. What I look at is my quality of life. It's been hard sometimes, but I've had a lot of fun, too, and I'm excited about the future. That being the case, how can I arbitrarily decide to deny my baby the chance my folks gave me?"

"I understand, Carly. You don't have to explain. Abortion would never be an option for me, either." Bess cast Carly a sideways glance rife with mischief. "I've always wanted to be an aunt. It'll be fun to spoil a baby rotten and leave you to deal with the backlash."

Carly laughed. "That's what you think. We'll probably still be living together."

"I hadn't thought of that. You're right. Maybe I should rethink my position."

"Definitely not. I want my child to have an aunt who'll spoil it. I never had that. My mom had no siblings, and my dad's only brother was killed in Vietnam. Being a midlife baby, I can barely even remember my grandparents."

"That must have been lonely."

"You don't really miss what you've never had."

"Your baby will have me and Cricket as aunts," Bess assured her.

Thinking of their friend Cricket made Carly smile again. She had grown up with Bess living on one side of her and Cricket on the other. All of them being the same age, they'd become inseparable in kindergarten and been like sisters ever since. "I sure wish we could call her more often. I'm thrilled that she got chosen to go to Colombia on the dig, but I miss hearing her voice."

"You can bet she's happy as a clam right now," Bess mused aloud. "Up to her elbows in dirt, dreaming that she'll make the greatest archeological discovery of the new millennium."

"What is it with her and dirt?" Carly shook her head. "Even when we were little, she loved to dig. Remember the bones she found in Mrs. Kirkpatrick's flowerbed?"

"I'd nearly forgotten that! She thought she'd dug up a dinosaur. Come to find out, it was the grave of Mrs. Kirkpatrick's Great Dane, and we all got grounded." Bess chuckled. "When you think about it, we're a pretty unlikely trio, a business management major, a teacher, and an archeologist. What do the three of us find to talk about?"

"Beats me. But I bet I could run up a huge bill if we could get in touch with her. It's too bad her cell phone reception is so lousy down there."

"She'd just lecture you for thirty minutes, listing all the reasons you should never have left the bar with a stranger. Then she'd be all over you for drinking when you were taking painkillers. After that, she'd want to hear all about Hank."

Carly didn't even want to think about Hank. But if a child was on the way, she supposed she'd at least have to notify him. "Did you get a close look at him, Bess?"

"Close enough. Why?"

"Is he cute?"

Bess gave a startled laugh. "You're asking me?"

"You know very well I don't have a clue about looks. When you spend your whole life blind, physical beauty isn't a concept you can easily grasp. While you're gone on job interviews, I try to watch movies. It's a good way to see different topography, animals, and all kinds of people. At first I assumed that the actors with leading roles must be attractive, but they're all so different. I'm still not sure what beautiful is."

"Maybe that isn't a bad thing. We're all brainwashed. The entertainment industry creates the standard, and we buy into it like sheep. I think it'd be sort of nice not to have preconceived notions about physical beauty."

"From where I'm standing, it's just confusing. I liked the way Hank looked, and right then, that was all that seemed important. Now, with a baby possibly coming, I need to know if he's-you know-handsome or homely."

"And if I say he's a dog?"

"I'll be worried. I'd like my baby to have good genes."

"He's handsome," Bess assured her. "Very handsome. No worries on that front, sweetie. You chose a hunk."

The tension eased from Carly's body. "That's good to know. It means my baby will have a fifty-fifty chance of being attractive."

"Fifty-fifty? You aren't exactly chopped liver yourself. You and Hank will make a beautiful baby."

Carly smiled. "I hope so."

"Can't miss."

Carly pictured Hank's dark face, and a thickness gathered in her throat.

"You okay?" Bess drew up a foot and tucked it under her other leg. "If you need to talk about it, my offer to listen is still open."

Carly turned onto her side and cradled her head on the bend of her arm. "I guess what bugs me the most is that I was so incredibly naive."

"You weren't firing on all cylinders," Bess reminded her. "A guy at Chaps told me if you can finish a slammer, leave the bar on your own steam, and walk back inside, you can drink the rest of the night for free."

"Hank warned me that it was strong. I just didn't realize how strong. Dr. Merrick said the pain pills were mild and that I could safely have two drinks over the course of an evening. I'd only had a few sips of beer when he ordered the slammer. I thought it'd be okay if I went easy on it."

"I think slammers are made with high-proof alcohol, and lots of it. It's a wonder you could even navigate."

"I definitely wasn't thinking straight. I never should have gone outside with him, but somehow, I shelved my common sense and let myself believe-I don't know-that I'd found someone special, I guess."

"Oh, sweetie."

"I'm over feeling sad about it. Really." Carly flashed a strained smile. "Now I just feel humiliated."

"When we first start dating, we're all naive. I'm including guys in that statement. Before we wise up, we all get our hearts broken a few times."

"Maybe so." Personally, Carly found it hard to believe that Hank Coulter's heart had ever been broken. If what Bess said was true, he was one of the beautiful people and had probably traded on his looks all his life. "All I know is, I don't want to go through this again."