"Don't go along your merry way, searching to discover yourself, and forget that Nathaniel has feelings too."

"Do you really believe me to be that uncaring?"

"No, but I see that other things pull at you besides Nathaniel King."

Kate lifted the spigot jar, full of last night's milking, from the icebox. "You are my little brother, Elmer. What do you know?"

"I was the only member of our family who came to your farewell recital, remember? Everyone else thought it would be improper. With all the applause, you smiled so wide I could count all your teeth. I know you took three extra bows at the end of your performance. I know you love to sing. That would be hard enough to leave behind. But you also like the attention from people who admire your talent."

Instead of responding, Kate opened the spigot and let the milk drain into the pitcher. She closed the spigot when nothing was left in the jar but the cream from the top. "Do you think I'm wicked, Elmer?"

"Aaron and Ada believe they are qualified to judge such things," Elmer said. "But not me. Last week at the dairy, Matthew Eicher told me I had a head of cheese."

Kate couldn't help but chuckle. "I have always believed that."

Elmer laughed too. "No, no. I mean a head for cheese. He said the batches I make are especially good, and from now on, he wants me to supervise making the cheddar. I would never tell this to anyone but you, but I am tempted to be proud. Someone sees that I am good at something, and I am glad for it. Is it wrong to feel that way? Is it wrong to feel satisfied that I have done a job well and maybe brought in more business for the dairy? I do not know. Is it wrong for Aaron to plant the most beautiful, best-tended garden in the community? Does he take pride in his work?"

"Of course not."

"But is he tempted? And what about Mamma? She is a very good cook, but no one other than Nathaniel has ever praised her for her skill. Does that make her sad?" Elmer put the kitten by her bowl of milk and unfolded himself from the ground. "Here," he said. "Let me help you."

Kate handed him the churn and he nimbly turned the crank on the top of the glass jar that rotated the blades inside, which would eventually transform the heavy cream into butter.

Elmer glanced at Kate. "I think about you a great deal. When you are gone to the academy, I wonder if you are happy. Wonder if the attention brings you what you are looking for. I don't have any answers, but I know a little bit how you feel."

"I truly want to do God's will. You believe that, don't you?"

"I do not believe. I know."

"Going off to school two years ago, I was sure that I had chosen the right direction for my life. I wanted to sing. And I am afraid that my own desires shout so loudly, I won't be able to hear the will of God when He speaks to me. This talent I have, the talent God has given me, can open so many doors for me. No one in the community but Nathaniel knows anything of my success at the academy. I've already attracted the attention of the people at the Met National Council auditions."

"Is that important?"

"It is a feather in my cap, to be sure. I've won two singing competitions this year, and my vocal coach, Dr. Sumsion, she says I could be a big star someday."

"I can guess what she thinks of the Plain life," Elmer said.

Kate heard Dr. Sumsion's voice in her head. "Go back to that Amish town, and what will you become? An Amish farmer's wife, never knowing how far you could have gone with your voice."

"My own people know nothing of what I have accomplished in this other world. And, jah, I know it is the grossest pride to wish they knew, to want my family to be pleased. But none of you really care."

Elmer momentarily paused the cranking. "It brings you much pain."

Kate fell silent. She had already trusted Elmer with too much information. She did not want him to think badly of her. And he didn't know the half of it. Only days before she left Milwaukee, she had auditioned for Romeo et Juliette, the student opera, and was waiting to hear if she got the title role. Who in her family would want to hear that piece of news?

"I'm sorry," he said.

To most people, Kate's choice would be easy. Who would not jump at the chance of celebrity and riches? But Kate had grown up in a place where, until recently, she felt love permeating the very atmosphere. How much acceptance did Kate feel from the other girls competing for roles? Or the judges and critics who analyzed every sound that came out of her mouth? The world of auditions, competitions, and self-promotion could be very cold.

Even after the most stunning performances, majestic concert halls were left empty and dark. Would that be her fate? She might live her life being admired but not loved-her fans not caring about her as a person as much as they cared about her as a celebrity.

At school she convinced herself that she could still visit her family, could still be a part of them. After all, as long as she was not baptized, they would be allowed to see her. Shunning only took place after a baptized member went astray. But she knew she was only fooling herself. A music career such as the one she wanted would take her to the coast or, more likely, to Europe, and she would not see Mamm and Dat for months or years at a time. They certainly would not travel to visit her and never dream of actually seeing her perform. When she could come back for a rare visit, they would welcome her, but she would be a guest and not one of them. She would be a stranger in her own home, an interloper in the Amish community she loved so dearly. Only now was she beginning to see the stark reality. Her family would be lost to her forever.

Elmer looked at her doubtfully. "I shouldn't say this. I know it's unfair, but..." He looked down at the churn in his hands. "Please stay, Kate. You have no idea how happy I've been since you came back. Remember how we used to sit out on the porch and talk until Mamm scolded us to get to bed?"

"Or we'd hide from Aaron, and I'd sing to you?"

"Or make faces at each other during services?" He frowned. "Kate, if I lose you, I'll be devastated." He stared at her, his eyes full of emotion.

Kate felt a tear slip down her cheek. "I am sorry about all this."

"Now here I've made you cry, when all I wanted was to make you feel guilty."

They laughed, and Elmer handed her the churn. "I've got to get to the dairy. While I am gone, think on this. Some of the blessed apostles were nothing but humble fishermen-and the Lord Jesus, a carpenter. They did not need to be famous. Perhaps you do not need fame either." He took his hat from the stand and opened the door. "Tell Joe and Ben that if they are not at the dairy in ten minutes, I will make them do the mucking out."

Wrinkling her nose, Kate took up the churning.

Despite all her struggles, she took comfort in the thought that Elmer trusted her motives. So did Nathaniel. That was all the reassurance she needed.

Chapter Thirteen.

Kate opened the front door to see Nathaniel standing there with his permanent smile. He always sent her heart racing.

"Ready?" he said.

"Jah, denki for the ride."

She, Nathaniel, and Nathaniel's mamm were taking a trip to La Crosse with an Englisch friend Nathaniel had met through his cabinet business. By buggy the ride would certainly be a long trek, but by car the trip took less than an hour.

Nathaniel let her lead the way to the car and opened the door for her.

"It is fortunate that your need to travel to La Crosse happened at the same time as my plan to visit a vendor in the city," Nathaniel said.

Kate inwardly vowed to be more careful about what she told Nathaniel. She had mentioned that she needed to go to La Crosse, and in less than a day, he had the entire trip arranged. She smiled at his readiness to do anything for her, and she would never willfully take advantage of his abundant kindness. But once the words were spoken, the trip to La Crosse became inevitable. Nathaniel would hear no objections.

Kate climbed into the backseat with sheer dread. A ride to La Crosse sitting next to Nathaniel's mamm-who, on good authority, did not approve of Kate-didn't seem like a pleasant way to spend the morning.

Nathaniel's mother, Miriam, was as reserved as Nathaniel was cheerful. Kate remembered Miriam from her childhood as the woman who brought over foul-tasting concoctions when Kate or one of her siblings fell sick. Mamma would insist that Kate drink every last drop of the mixture that tasted like dandelion juice and rancid milk blended together.

"Gute maiya, Miriam," Kate said, hoping she sounded sufficiently humble and deliriously chipper.

Nathaniel's mamm nodded and forced a half smile.

Kate busied herself fastening the seat belt. "Thank you very much for driving us, Dr. Delange."

"No problem," said the doctor. "I've got to go in to the college for a few hours, so it's no trouble at all."

Kate settled into her seat and glanced at Miriam out of the corner of her eye. Miriam seemed determined not to speak, and Kate nearly resolved to remain silent. If she did not say anything, Miriam would not be able to find fault with anything that came out of her mouth. But she soon thought better of it. Nathaniel glanced back at the two of them anxiously, and Kate knew it was her responsibility to break the ice.

"Nathaniel tells me you delivered a baby this week," Kate said with forced enthusiasm.

"Jah, Ervin Stoltzfus's boy."

"How much did he weigh?"

"Seven pounds," Miriam said, looking out the window.

Kate persisted. "What did they name him?"

"Ervin Junior."

Nathaniel craned his neck to look at his mamm as if to prompt her into a friendlier conversation. "He is the first boy after five girls."

"Oh, what a nice blessing for them," Kate said. "I am sure they were mighty proud to have a boy yet."

Miriam propped her elbow on the arm wrapped around her waist and looked at Kate. "There is nothing wrong with a girl baby."

"Oh no, of course not, but after five girls, a boy would be a nice surprise." She glanced at Miriam for any kind of response. She didn't get one. "My sister-in-law Ada has five boys. I know she would look on a baby girl as a true blessing."

Miriam said nothing-simply went back to staring out the window. Getting Miriam to say more than three words at a time proved much like pulling teeth.

Nathaniel cleared his throat. "Tell Kate about the Miller twins, Mamm."

"She does not want to hear about the Miller twins."

"Oh, jah, I would love to."

Miriam turned herself so she could look at Kate straight on. "I want to hear of your time at the academy."

The heat traveled up Kate's face.

"How do you pay for tuition?"

"The professor got me a job at a bakery in the mornings, and I taught voice lessons in the afternoon to kids from some local high schools. Plus I was awarded two grants, one scholarship, and a student loan."

"You're rich," Dr. Delange said from the driver's seat.

"Were you in any plays?" Miriam persisted.

"Operas. And concerts."

"How did they have you dress? Like as not, you weren't in Amish clothes," Miriam said.

"For both operas, I dressed as a nun. Once a French nun and once an Italian nun."

Miriam's eyes narrowed. "Surely you did not always perform as a nun."

Nathaniel glanced uncomfortably at his mother then fixed his eyes on Kate.

"Nae," Kate said. "For auditions or recitals I borrowed formal dresses from my professor or one of the other girls at the academy."

Miriam turned to face forward, as if she were finished with the conversation. "Huh," she grunted. "I never cotton to such vanity."

She folded her arms, leaned her head against the window, and closed her eyes, blocking any further attempts at conversation. The gesture did not escape Nathaniel's notice. His attempt at a reassuring smile came out more like a wince, and he tried persistently to include Kate in his conversation about fly-fishing for the rest of the trip.

The doctor dropped them off on a central street corner in La Crosse in the rising heat. Kate pulled a slip of paper from her pocket and got her bearings.

"Do you know where you are going, Kate?" Nathaniel said.

"Jah. Directions to the music shop are clear enough."

"We will come with you. Then we can go to the distributor and Mamm's stops after."

Kate shook her head. "I know you are pressed for time. I will go and meet you here at noon."

"Are you sure?"

"After strolling down Kilbourn Avenue in Milwaukee, I can walk anywhere by myself."

Nathaniel grew a concerned look. "Is that a dangerous place?"

She smiled. "I've never encountered any sort of trouble on the streets of Milwaukee. I'll be fine."

"I know you will." Nathaniel gave her one last glance before taking his mother by the arm and disappearing down the street.

Kate wandered the other way, directions in hand, looking for the little music store Dr. Sumsion instructed her to find. Her professor had asked Kate in her last letter to buy the music to an obscure little opera by Chabrier. Ach, Kate detested singing French. Her German came out flawlessly with its forceful consonants and powerful vowels, but her French? Kate's diction was atrocious, and she had to concentrate faithfully to keep whole phrases from sounding like she had a stuffy nose. But Dr. Sumsion insisted that Kate needed the practice during the long summer absence, and the song would leave Kate breathless, literally, when she rehearsed it.

Dr. Sumsion had either forgotten or chosen to ignore the fact that Kate had no access to a piano in Apple Lake, nor would she be fortunate enough to locate an accompanist among her Amish neighbors. At least she could look it over and become familiar with the passages before she returned to Milwaukee. If she returned.

Kate, Enclosed is a list of songs I want you to learn for the Felsted competition. You are a sure contender to win the whole thing this year. Don't underestimate the importance of preparing while you are at home. Do your vocalises every day and become familiar with the pieces.

Dr. Matthews thinks I am pushing you too hard, but I told him that you of anyone are capable of incredible things when you put your mind to it. The people in Apple Lake have no idea what an amazing talent they have living in their midst.

Sincerely, we miss you terribly and want you to come back. Don't stay away too long. You'll want to be back in plenty of time for school in September.

Much affection, Dr. Sumsion The tugging and pulling on Kate's heart intensified with every letter from Milwaukee, whether from Maria or her professor or one of her other friends. They truly loved her there. But then she thought of Elmer and Mamma and Dat. She loved them like her own soul. Could she turn her back on them and the world she grew up in?

Kate could not have been more than four blocks from where the Englisch doctor had dropped them off when her directions sent her around a corner and down a narrow street with run-down buildings and unkempt lots. It seemed unlikely she would find a music store down this street, no matter how out-of-the-way it was. Halfway down the street, Kate stopped and examined her paper. Apparently she had taken a wrong turn, and an uneasy feeling crawled up her spine. She snapped her head to the left as a noise caught her attention. Three men, perhaps slightly younger than she, stood in the narrow space between two buildings, smoking cigarettes and staring in her direction.

Her heart beat faster, and she scolded herself for being so skittish. She'd heard too many horror stories while living in Milwaukee. Surely she had nothing to fear in a small place like La Crosse.