Panorama - III

The sun has already fallen as we leave the abandoned building Miss Tōko

calls home. Shiki’s apartment is quite close by, but my apartment is about

twenty minutes away by train. Shiki’s groggy pace and an unsteady walk

remind me of the lack of sleep mentioned earlier, and I stay close beside

just in case it’s needed. Out of the blue, Shiki asks me a strange question.

“Hey, Mikiya. Do you think suicide is right?”

“Hmm, let me think on that…,” I say, trying to drum up a good answer.

“Well, let’s put it this way. Say I had a terribly deadly retrovirus, such that

me just staying alive threatens all of Tokyo. If dying meant everyone would

be saved, then maybe I’d kill myself.”

“What in the h.e.l.l? That’s such a far-fetched scenario it hurts my brain.”

Shiki makes a disappointed face.

“Let me finish, alright? Think about it for a moment. I don’t know about

you, but I wouldn’t have the will to live while the whole of Tokyo sees me

as the carrier of a virulent plague. Choosing suicide would be the easier

path. An instant of determination, or a lifetime; I think you can tell which

is the hard choice. And that’s what it boils down to, isn’t it? Death is the

easy choice. And when push comes to shove, I don’t truly think I have what

it takes to make the hard decision.”

After that, we continue to walk in silence, leaving me to think more about

what I said. In my scenario, sacrificing yourself might certainly be the right

thing. It might even be called heroic, another one for the books. But choosing

death for yourself, no matter the practicality of such an action, seems

the foolish thing to do. Struggling through the slings and arrows allows us

to put ourselves to right, and emerge as better people. That’s true bravery,

which I don’t think I could muster. I don’t say it though, since I feel like Shiki

is getting annoyed at me again, looking at me doubtfully after my answer.

“Anyway,” I try to conclude awkwardly, “Each person has his own

answers, I guess.”

“You’re different, though,” says Shiki, as if reading my mind. Shiki said

it in the usual cold front, granted, but it feels as if there’s a compliment in

there somewhere. Slightly taken aback, I couldn’t bring myself to answer it,

and we continue to walk through the city silently. Pretty soon I can hear the

the bustle of people and the noise of engines. It sounds like we’re nearing

the city’s main street, with its ostentatious display of lights and sounds,

accompanied by the wave of people commuting home after a day’s work.

I can just make out the department stores in the distance, and not too far

36 • KINOKO NASU

after that is the train station.

Shiki stops suddenly.

“Mikiya, stay over at my place tonight.”

“What in th—“

Shiki takes me by the shoulder in a gesture firmly in the “just f.u.c.king do

it, c’mon” variety. Shiki’s apartment is closer, and it would be easier that

way, but I don’t think I really should on moral grounds.

“It’s all right, really,” I try to say. “It’d be boring even if I do go there. Or

are you saying there’s something you need me to do?” I know there really

wasn’t anything, so this should have been the end of the discussion, and

yet Shiki looks at me accusatorily, like I was at fault.

“Strawberry.”

“Er…”

“Those G.o.dd.a.m.n ice cream cups you bought a while back. They’re still

there. Eat the d.a.m.n things.”

“Well, I suppose I did buy them.” Got me there. I bought that on a hot

day on my way to Shiki’s home. Was it really that hot? It’s almost September

after all. Well, whatever. Not like it matters in the grand scheme of

things. Shiki’s pulling any excuse to get me to stay, and I suppose I have no

choice but to follow. But I can at least make a feeble attempt to strike back.

There is a topic—serving almost like a trigger—which, when brought to

discussion, makes Shiki mad but unable to retort back properly. It’s about

something I really want Shiki to do, but in this matter, the universe seems

to have seen it proper to bestow upon Shiki the stubbornness of mules.

“I can see there’s no persuading you. All right, I’ll stay over. But Shiki…”

Harsh eyes look at me, and I respond with as serious a face I can muster.

“’Eat the d.a.m.n thing?’ Such unseemly words. I’d really like it if you did

something about that. I mean, you are a girl after all.”

Right on target. After I say “girl,” she points a finger at her lips and says

“Hey, my mouth, my choice of words. Got it?”

/ EPILOGUE • 37

Epilogue

That was the day when, led on by nothing except an impulse of curiosity,

I took the main avenue on the way home. It wasn’t a shortcut, and I

didn’t plan on pa.s.sing by any particular place there. It was just something

I decided to do on a whim.

This part of the avenue was full of skysc.r.a.pers and tall condos, some old,

more of them new, while others were abandoned husks, all commingled

into one crowded skyline. I’d wager everybody in the city, including me,

was tired of looking at them day in and day out. While walking beside the

buildings, I suddenly saw something fall from a roof to the concrete sidewalk

a ways ahead of me.

It was a person.

In the moment that that person fell, I heard a sickening sound. The wet,

raw sound you a.s.sociate with the kind of things you don’t want happening

anywhere near you. The kind of sound you never really get to hear often.

Judging from the height that the person fell from, it was clear that whoever

he or she was died the instant it hit pavement.

As I drew closer to the point of impact, I was able to scrutinize what happened

more clearly. All that was left, all that my mind could take in, was the

scarlet trail seeping across the asphalt; the frail, bone-like limbs, and the

long, black hair, which still retained some of its living beauty.

And that dead face.

The scene struck my mind with the image of a flower pressed between

the pages of an old, musty tome. It all seemed vaguely familiar. I knew

what happened here. In the end, I suppose she chose the true slumber,

instead of the lie.

A throng of people had already begun to gather around, and Azaka and

I soon had to work our way through them, avoiding the crowd.

“Miss Tōko, that was a jumper, wasn’t it?”

“I suppose,” I answer almost absent-mindedly. My part in this case had

long since played out. Society had better things to do than psychoa.n.a.lyze

a jumper that just decided to take a tumble out of a building. In the end,

they’d say one suicide is no different from the next. Kirie’s last wish, right

up to the end, was not flight, or even floating, but to fall. A pity, but it’s best

not to dwell on it for long.

“I’ve heard there were quite a lot of cases last year, but I guess it’s still

a trend, huh? I don’t really understand what goes through these people’s

minds, though. Would you, Miss Tōko?”

38 • KINOKO NASU

I nod my head; another vague answer. I look up at the sky, training my

vision on an illusion of the light.

“She had no reason to kill herself,” I say finally. “She just wasn’t able to

fly.”

40 • KINOKO NASU

Part II:

The First

Homicide Inquiry

April 1995.

I met her.

42 • KINOKO NASU

/ 1

A cool breeze blows through the mansion, unexpected when it was just

the end of summer. The wind carries tidings of autumn, and it makes me

want to take an evening stroll again. I’m putting on my shoes, when a voice

from behind me spoke.

“Lady , please do come home early this evening.”

It is Akitaka, my servant. I ignore the impositions on his ever-monotonous

voice, as always, and make my way out of the entrance hall. Past the

courtyard, past the garden, and past the large gate barring entry into the

house, and I’m finally out. Darkness lay beyond this point, there being no

light outside the main grounds itself. There is neither sight nor sound of

any person except for me.

It was midnight, and it would soon be the first day of September. The

bamboo thickets surrounding the periphery of the mansion rustled in the

light breeze, bringing to mind images of wicked monsters beyond them.

Walks through uneasy silences such as these are the only thing I derive

pleasure from.

As the night grows deeper, the darkness draws closer. I think I walk

through this lifeless town because I want to be alone. Or perhaps because

I want to think I’m alone. Either way, in this world, it’d be hard to be completely

left alone anyway. But the city has its ways. I veer off from the main

avenue, taking a detour through a narrow alleyway.

I turn sixteen this year. I’m a first year student at a private high school.

It’s kind of pointless, really. No matter what I do, the mansion and the

dynasty is my future. I chose the school just because it was close to my

house and it would cut down on my commute time, but looking back on it,

that might have been a mistake.

The alley is dark, save for one streetlight flickering nervously like a beacon.

It reminds me of someone.

I’ve been quite restless lately, even during these evening strolls. It’s all

because of that guy, who keeps popping up in my head whenever I least

expect it, and whenever I least like it.

Being in high school didn’t change anything. I couldn’t grow close to

anyone, and they couldn’t grow close to me. I didn’t know why exactly,

but maybe it’s because I easily express what I think in my behavior. That is

to say, I’m a misanthrope. I couldn’t come to like people ever since I was

a child. Being a person, I never liked myself either. I didn’t hate people,

not really. It didn’t stop them from thinking that way, though. It wasn’t

/ 1 • 43

long before my schoolmates got the picture, and within a month, people

stopped trying to ingratiate themselves with me.

Not that I didn’t like a quiet environment either, so that state of affairs

suited me perfectly. But I should have known better than to think it would

last. There is the one cla.s.smate who treated me like a friend, a person with

a surname that sounded like a French poet. The one outstanding quality I

can attribute to him: annoying. So very, very annoying.

I see the shadow of a person in the distant streetlight.



Something about that man seemed strange.

.



I follow him into an alley.



Inside the alley, it’s like an entirely different world. The alley is a culde-sac,

with the buildings forming walls all around it. Because of this, no

sunlight shone upon it even on bright afternoons. Honestly, it looked more

like a room than an alley. There was once one homeless person who lived

in this dead s.p.a.ce, but not today. The walls of this alley just got a brand

new paint job. There is a wet, sticky quality to the ground, and the usual

smell of rotten food is commingled with an even stronger scent.

All around me is a sea of blood. Bodily fluids seep and flow through the

alley, and the sweet, sticky smell pierces my nostrils. In the center of it all

is the corpse. Whatever face he donned in death can’t be seen anymore.

His arms were severed, and the legs became stumps around the knee area,

pressurized blood pouring out of them.

A world so different, even the darkness of night was being overwhelmed

by the bold crimson of blood. It made me so happy. Gracefully, elegantly, I

touch the blood running on the ground, the sleeves of my light blue kimono

turning a deep red. I streak the liquid on my lips, and a drop slips down

lazily across my face. My body shakes in utter ecstasy, as if in a trance. The

first lipstick I ever had.

44 • KINOKO NASU

/ 2

As summer vacation draws to a close, a new semester of high school

begins. Nothing really changes in life, least of all high school. The clothes of

the students change to reflect the approaching cold of autumn, but apart

from that small trifling thing, there is nothing else. The same old routine,

day in and day out.

As for me, I’ve never worn anything other than a kimono my entire life.

Akitaka tried to get me clothes “befitting a woman of my sixteen years”,

but I never even thought of putting them on. Lucky for me, then, that the

school I go to allows you to wear anything you want, so I actually went to

school in my traditional dress. Actually, I wanted to wear the formal style

of kimono, but if I did that, I’d have to spend the entirety of P.E. just to

change clothes (which may not be so bad), so I made a compromise with a

one-layer yukata.

I did worry a bit about what to wear in the cold winter months, but a

solution presented itself yesterday. During break time he approached me

in his usual crude manner, asking if I felt cold.

“Not right now, no,” I replied. “But perhaps in a few more weeks.”

He frowned, as if reading my mind. “You’re wearing that in the winter

too?”

Wanting the conversation to end as quickly as possible, I answered

directly. “Without fail. There’s no need to worry yourself, however. I can

wear something over it, after all.”

“Wow, I didn’t figure there was anything you could possibly wear over

a kimono.” With that, he walked away, puzzled at my answer. It was something

I thought up at the moment, but not wanting to lie, I decided to buy

a warm leather jacket. I’ll wear it when winter comes, but for now, it stays

in my closet.

And just like that, we ended up eating lunch together every day. He

invited me, and I couldn’t refuse out of politeness. We had our meals at

the roof of the school building, where there were pairs of boys and girls

just like us idling their lunch time.

Today’s lunch break is just like any other, and I’m eyeing the other couples

when he suddenly talks to me. I had already planned to ignore him,

but he says something that I couldn’t ignore.

“Murder. It happened on the last day of summer vacation. It was on the

/ 2 • 45

western wing of the commercial district. There’s an embargo on the media,

though, so it hasn’t been reported yet.”

“…That isn’t very nice, is it?” I say nervously.

“Yeah. It’s a weird case, too. Apparently the suspect cut off the victim’s

hands and feet and left him there to die. The crime scene was a mess, and

they had to cordon off the entire location. What’s worse is that the suspect

is still at large.”

“You say the suspect cut off the arms and legs? Can people die from just

that?”

“Blood loss would cause a lack of oxygen in the body, but in this case

I’d say circulatory shock came first,” he says while chewing his food. Outwardly,

he looks like a calm, innocent young man, but in the end I suppose

these are the sorts of things he really wants to talk about. I suppose one of

his relatives is in the police force, or at least has connections there. Surely

not too high a standing, however, else he wouldn’t be leaking information

out like this. “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess this has nothing to do with you, .”

“It’s quite alright…but Kokutō, this isn’t really a meal time topic, don’t

you think?” I complain.

He offers only a simple nod in reply, barely even registering his faux pas.

Good grief. Now, thanks to him, I can’t stomach eating the tomato sandwich

I just bought.

And so I capped of the end of summer and welcome the coming of

autumn by hearing such a morbid rumor. The life that I thought would

never change would soon receive a rude awakening.

46 • KINOKO NASU

/ 3

It’s been raining hard since morning. The clacking of my footsteps on the

school corridor mixed with the pitter-patter sound of the raindrops. School

has concluded for the day, and not a single soul could be found inside the

grounds at this hour. Normally, there would still be students doing club

activities, but the murder incident that Kokutō told me about had finally

gone public, and club activities have since been temporarily suspended.

Akitaka told me in the drive to school earlier this morning that it had

already reached four murders this month alone. That’s what blew this wide

open. The suspect remained as yet free from the law, and whatever personality,

character, or motive he might have for doing this isn’t yet known.

In fact, marking the suspect as male might even be too hasty right now.

There are no common points connecting the victims, except for the fact

that they were all taking a walk quite late in the evening. It really is quite

a different story when it’s happening to your own city instead of some

remote and far away town. Students stop hanging out after school and

go home immediately, and everyone goes home in groups. The vise grip

the murderer has on the city is so tangible I can almost touch it. Even I’m

affected, since the police go on patrols at 9 o’ clock in the evening. I can’t

even go out to do my nightly strolls.

“Four murders…” I whisper under my breath. Four times, I’ve…

“Ryōgi?” someone calls out suddenly. I turn towards the direction of the

voice and see a man I don’t recognize. He’s wearing blue jeans and a white

shirt, both of them quite plain and unsatisfactory. He must be someone in

a higher grade level than me.

“Yes, that would be me. What is it?”

“Oh, please don’t glare at me with those cold eyes of yours. Are you

looking for Kokutō?”

What a foolish man. I could see right through his fake smile.

“I was about to go home. I have no idea how Kokutō factors into that.”

“Is that so?” The drawl in his voice was practically audible at this point.

“That’s where you’re wrong, and you know it. That’s why you’re irritated. It

isn’t good to take it out on someone else. It can be easier to blame anyone

other than yourself. It’s become a habit for you, hasn’t it?” He chuckles at

a joke funny only to himself, but continues. “Ryōgi… don’t you think four

times is a bit too much?”

“What?!” Inadvertently, I take a step back. The man smiles yet again, a

satisfied smile I now realize looks similar to my own.

/ 3 • 47

“I’ve wanted to talk to you for so long now. Now that I have, it’s time

to bid you farewell.” After that, he walks away, the sound of his footsteps

echoing in the dim, empty hall. It produced a vaguely disgusted feeling

inside me. I don’t even want look at him, so I head towards the school

entrance.

After changing out of my school shoes, I head outside only to have the

rain greet me. Akitaka, who was supposed to pick me up, evidently isn’t

here yet. On rainy days such as this one, he would always come by to give

me a ride, but he is obviously late. I’m too lazy to bother changing shoes

again, so I decide to take shelter from the rain in the shade of the entryway.

The rain looks faintly like a veil, and it makes the campus grounds look

as if they were encased by fog. The winter chill makes the pale whiteness

of my breath visible.

I don’t know how much time pa.s.sed by, but before I could notice, Kokutō

had appeared at my side.

“I have an umbrella,” he says awkwardly.

“It’s alright. I have someone picking me up. You should hurry up and

head home,” I urge.

“In a moment. I thought I’d stay here until your driver got here. If that

isn’t too much trouble?”

Without waiting for me to answer, he leans against the concrete wall of

the entrance. I wasn’t thinking on what Kokutō was going to say or about

to say. In fact, I planned on systematically ignoring him until such time that

I could leave.

A miracle. He’s actually quiet for once. I can only hear the sound of the

falling raindrops. Kokutō wasn’t talking at all. I turned to him only to see

that, with a satisfied look on his face, he had already closed his eyes. I

thought that he was sleeping, as unlikely as that may be, but I hear him

singing under his breath. I know it was a famous song, but I couldn’t

remember the t.i.tle.

Truly a miracle. Much later when I got home, I asked Akitaka what the

song was, and it turned out to be “Singing in the Rain.”

Kokutō didn’t speak. We weren’t even a meter apart. For us to be this

close and not talking made me a bit unsettled. It was an awkward situation,

but the silence wasn’t at all painful. Strange. Why was this silence calming?

But then the silence frightened me, as suddenly as I warmed to it. Instinct

raced in my mind, telling me that if it stayed like this, he would come out.

“KOKUTŌ!”

“Yes?!”

With a jump, he opens his eyes and stands straight.

48 • KINOKO NASU

“What happened? Is something wrong?” he says while looking at me

oddly. I see myself reflected in his eyes. Looking at each other like that, it

was probably the first time I really saw Mikiya Kokutō, still just a boy, with

a boy’s face, and a gentle disposition. He had black hair which he didn’t

style in any particular way, and similarly black eyes, where he wore stupid

gla.s.ses that even little children would find atrocious. He wore no accessories,

and his only concession to fashion was his insistence on wearing an

all-black ensemble all the time. It has always puzzled me why he always

gave a mind to anything I did.

“Where…” I look down, trying my d.a.m.ndest to think that the ground is

the most interesting in the world. “Where were you before you came out

here?”

“In the student council room. One of our uppercla.s.smen is dropping out

of school, and we held something like a farewell party for him. His name’s

Lio Shirazumi. He said he’s dropping out because he found something he

wanted to do. It surprised me, seeing as he was one of those quiet, unsocial

types.” Lio Shirazumi. I can’t say I’ve heard of the person. But Kokutō

knows a lot of people I don’t. The cla.s.s sees him as a friend to everyone,

and he has some small popularity with the female uppercla.s.sman population.

“I invited you too, didn’t I? I told you when we said goodbye to each

other yesterday, but you never showed up in the student council room. I

looked for you in the cla.s.sroom, but there was no one there.”

He did indeed invite me, but I would’ve just spoiled the mood by going

there. That, and I thought Kokutō inviting me was just him being his usual

polite self. He didn’t really expect me to go…did he?

“Oh, so you were serious?”

“Of course I was! What did you think, ?” Kokutō, understandably,

gets mad, not because of what I said but what I thought he said. I’ve never

really experienced someone being angry at me, and it confuses me. From

that moment on I sink into silence and wait with my mouth shut. I don’t

think there’s ever been a day that I wanted Akitaka to come quickly as

badly as this one. Not long thereafter, the car entered the front gate, and I

say an awkward goodbye to Kokutō.

When the sun began to set, and it grew darker and darker, the rain

finally stopped. Putting on my red leather blouson, I head outside to clear

my head. The night sky overhead is in turmoil. The clouds that blanketed

the sky only occasionally gave way to the moon and the stars. In the city,

/ 3 • 49

policemen in uniform and plainclothes alike patrolled the streets, and I

made my way to the riverbank in hopes of avoiding them.

Wet asphalt reflects the dim glow of the streetlights. From afar, I hear

the menacing metallic rumbling of a train. That means the train viaduct is

near. Almost arbitrarily, I decide to head towards that direction, but I stop

short upon reaching it when I see someone there.

Slowly and purposefully, I approach.

Another train pa.s.ses overhead, probably tonight’s last ride. The noise

is louder this time, since I’m closer, and it sounds like rolling thunder. The

rumble reverberates as loudly as if I was in a sealed room, and I have to

cover my ears if I don’t want to go deaf. After the train pa.s.ses, however, a

solemn sort of silence descends under the viaduct.

Without streetlight or moonlight, this place is in complete darkness.

That might be for the best. Red liquid is spread all around the riverbank,

yet even this is almost black because of the lack of light. This would be the

fifth. The weeds around here are overgrown, but the corpse it surrounds

looks like a single solitary flower, red and artificial. The face is at the center,

with dismembered arms and legs surrounding it, twisted to look like flower

petals, or a manji cross.

I’m starting to get used to this. I gulp, and I realize my throat is dry. Is

it tension, or arousal, I wonder? My thirst burns my throat, but it doesn’t

matter. This place is pregnant with death, and I smile wordlessly in spite of

myself. The thirst turns into screaming ecstasy inside of me, the pleasure

almost too overwhelming, but I manage to hold it back. I gaze upon the

beautiful corpse once more, and feel for once that I am truly alive.

50 • KINOKO NASU

/ 4

At the beginning of each month, it is customary in the Ryōgi dynasty for

the head of the family and the heir to have a sword duel with live steel.

In the past, different swordmasters would be invited to partic.i.p.ate in the

duel, and to teach their craft. But then, tiring of such acts, one of my ancestors

stopped this practice long ago, and created within the manor his own

school of swordsmanship. Into such a tradition was I born, and even a girl

of the Ryōgi dynasty must bear a certain standard with the sword.

My father was a strong man, and skillful with his weapon. In our duel,

he made the sword dance like no other, and easily overpowered me. It

is this disparity in skill and strength that has just made me lose the duel.

After this, I waste no time in returning to the main building of the manor,

which lies a fair bit of distance away from the dōjo. The wooden floor of

the compound is immaculately treated, and makes no sound as my feet

tread upon it.

On the way, I see Akitaka standing in a corridor waiting for me. Ten years

my senior, Akitaka is the servant a.s.signed to me by the household since

my childhood days. He is a dutiful and patient man, especially with me.

He’s probably waiting on me so he can change me out of my sweat-soaked

clothes.

“You fought a close duel today. How is your father?”

“G.o.ddamit, Akitaka, stop shadowing me all the time. I can at least change

by myself. It’s not like we’re joined at the hip. You’d be better served sucking

up to my brother, you know that? Males succeed the dynasty, after all.”

Despite my rudeness, Akitaka smiles. “You are quite wrong, my lady.

There is no successor to the dynasty but you, for you are the only one that

inherited the gift.”

The statement elicits a small chuckle from me. “A gift, is it? What I have,

Akitaka, is a curse.”

Leaving Akitaka in the corridor, I continue to head toward the main building.

Once I reach my room, I instinctively lock the door shut and immediately

undress my training garments. I steal a glance of myself in the mirror,

at the body of a sixteen year old girl. Actually, I only need to put in a little

effort to make my face look like a guy, but I can’t cheat that way with the

rest of my body. The body that continues to grow, month after month, year

after year…the body that Shiki detests more and more with each pa.s.sing

day.

“It might have been better for me to be a guy,” I say to no one in particu-

/ 4 • 51

lar. No one is listening, except for me. Except for him. The one inside me

called Shiki.

All descendants of our clan are given two different names, two different

logograms, though with the same p.r.o.nunciation. There is the masculine

name, which belongs to yang, the positive. And then the feminine name,

which belongs to yin, the negative. As I was born a girl, I am . Had I

been a boy, I would have been named Shiki. The reason we undertake

such a peculiar practice is simple to understand. The descendants of the

Ryōgi dynasty have a high chance of inheriting dissociative ident.i.ty disorder,

what most people would know as a split personality…in other words,

someone like me.

My father once said that ours was a dynasty blessed, a state of grace

that only few know. He also said it was a curse. He got the “curse” part

right, at least. This isn’t a state of grace by any stretch of the imagination.

It is, quite simply, an abnormality. Fortunately, I’m the first in a long time

to successfully inherit the curse. Unfortunately, that only means that a lot

of my relatives ended up in asylums before they were even old enough to

understand what that meant. Having two personalities breaks most people

eventually. The difference between dream and consciousness, the boundary

between your memory and the other’s becomes blurred, and one so

afflicted soon turns to suicide. But I was different. I didn’t become insane

like the others…and so I was trained by the family.

I like to think it’s because me and Shiki ignore each other. To me, Shiki

is just another personality, one I switch to when I need it, and we exist

simultaneously, aware of each other. In the duel between me and my

father, I needed his aggressiveness, so I used him. But I am in control. Altogether,

it’s a bit different from what people usually call a split personality. I

am , but at the same time, I am also Shiki.

Father was proud, proud to have actually sp.a.w.ned a proper heir to the

dynasty in his generation. My older brother was cast aside in the line of

succession, and I took his place. And really, I’m fine with that. I don’t bite

the hand that feeds me. And I don’t mind living this poor excuse for a normal

life. Not like I have any choice in the matter. Even if, say, Shiki turns

into a cold-blooded killer, I can’t make him go away. There will always be

something called “Shiki” inside of me, and in the end, both of us are the

same. No more and no less.

52 • KINOKO NASU

The First Homicide Inquiry - I

“So it’s true then? You and the Ryōgi girl have hooked up?”

I almost turn the coffee milk in my mouth into a projectile at what Gakuto

just said. I go into a coughing fit after almost choking on the d.a.m.n thing,

but it does give me a scant few seconds to scan the cla.s.sroom for anyone

who heard that. Everyone seems to be busy minding their own lunchtime

business.

“What do you mean?” I finally manage to say after gulping down my

drink.

“Don’t be playin’ dumb with me.” Gakuto’s face looks like he wants to

shift the blame away from himself. “It ain’t no secret that you’ve been eyeing

Ryōgi. Matter of fact, judging from the reaction you just made, seems

the only ones who ain’t wise to it are the both of you.”

I can’t see myself so I can’t really say, but I think I might inadvertently be

making the most disappointed frown I’ve ever made in my life.

The increasingly frigid winds and rapidly decreasing temperature signal

November and the advent of winter, meaning that it’s been seven months

since I first met . The time and our tendency to hang out together

must have given people the wrong impression.

“I’m sorry to say that you have been misinformed,” I finally say. “We’re

just friends, if you could even call it that.”

“That a fact?” His continued disbelief exasperates me. That Gakuto’s

parents stuck him with a name meaning “man of learning” is the textbook

definition of irony. It goes against his thick-headedness and his entire tendency

to gravitate towards sports and less towards academically inclined

pursuits. His status as the pride of the jūdō team attested to that more

than anything. Despite our seeming incompatibility, we’ve struck a friendship

that started way back in grade school that somehow sticks to this day.

“You’re on a first name basis, though,” he continues. “She don’t seem like

the kind of broad to just let that go without a warning.”

“ really hates being called by her last name, though. I called her

‘Ryōgi’ one time just to see what happened, and she gave me a look as if I

just killed her pet dog or something. She insisted that I not be formal with

her, so I ended up just calling her by her first name. Pretty boring, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he finally concedes after a sigh and a five second

delay. He looks really disappointed, leaving me to wonder what kind of

crazy story he was expecting. “Then your rendezvous last week at the

school entrance wasn’t a thing, either? This is a waste of time man, talking

/ THE FIRST HOMICIDE INQUIRY - I • 53

to you expecting details. Shoulda just shut up and ate my lunch back in the

cla.s.sroom.”

“Wait, back it up. How the h.e.l.l do you know about last week?”

“I told you, boy, you and Ryōgi are famous. Mostly because of Ryōgi,

but whatever. Your rainy day get-together was this morning’s hallway talk.

Since it’s about Ryōgi, every mouth in this d.a.m.n school been talking.”

I let out a frustrated sigh and cast a gloomy look at the sky, silently praying

that this mess doesn’t reach ’ ears. She’d kill me.

“They say this school has a lot of college entrants that turn out well,

don’t they? I’m starting to wonder if people here really are that smart,” I

blurt out half-jokingly.

“Well, if it’s any consolation, at least some of the uppercla.s.smen got

work out of this here school,” he replies matter-of-factly. I’m about to make

another joke at the expense of the school’s administration and curriculum

when Gakuto chimes in again. “Seriously, though, there’s one thing that

don’t sit right with me: of all the fine girls in this school, why Ryōgi? Whichever

way you wanna spin it, it just don’t seem at all like you.”

I recall being told something similar by one of my friends in the higher

year level. I was told a more down-to-earth girl would suit me more, with

the not-so-subtle hint that  was altogether too strange. The words are

different but I recognize the same sort of subtle insinuation in what Gakuto

just said, and it makes me a little angry.

“Oh, come off it.  isn’t as scary as you make her out to be,” I say

inadvertently. Gakuto suddenly makes a huge, stupid grin, as if finally

claiming some elusive prize.

“’Just a friend,’ huh? Easy, man, no need to raise your voice at me. Just

curious, is all. Scary chicks like that don’t come a dime a dozen, you feel

me? You not seeing how cold she is just means you already crazy for her.”

He must mean “hard-headed and obstinate” when he says “cold”,

because that’s the only way I’d describe . I know Gakuto’s right, so

only with reluctance do I finally concede.

“I know, alright? Okay, you got me, Christ.”

“Then what part of her do you like? Her looks? What?” I have no idea

what’s motivating him and his drive to ask every single detailed question.

Well, it’s clear that  is good looking, no doubt about it. But that’s not

what really draws me to her. always looks like she’s hiding some invisible

wound, some fragile part of her that’s on the verge of breaking and

eating her from the inside out, killing her slowly. You see the emptiness in

her face, her thousand-yard stare, and you realize it isn’t just some convenient

metaphor; it’s real, somehow, and she needs help. I don’t want to see

54 • KINOKO NASU

her get hurt.

“Well, she does have her cute sides,” I venture hesitantly. “If I were to

compare her to an animal, she’d be a rabbit I guess.” As soon as I say that, I

regret it immediately. It’s a big hit with Gakuto, however, who laughs heartily

upon hearing it almost reflexively.

“A rabbit? Man, that ain’t even half right and you know it. If she were an

animal, she’d be a hawk that can claw the s.h.i.t outta your eyes, or some s.h.i.t

like that. A rabbit is just…” he tries to find his words amid bouts of laughter.

“…just too far off the scale. Or wait, wait. Maybe she’s the kind of bird that

dies from loneliness?” Another huge laugh.

“That’s it. I’m not talking to you about girls anymore.”

All of a sudden, Gakuto’s laughter stops. “Know what? A rabbit might’ve

been a good comparison after all.”

Now it is my turn to laugh, though I manage to suppress the urge.

“Gakuto, an about-face that quick is pretty suspicious, don’t you think?”

“Nah, nah, it ain’t about that. I just remembered that there’re rabbits

that can bite your head off if you’re not careful, man.”

After thinking on it perhaps a moment longer than I should have, I

respond. “Bulls.h.i.t.”

“Boy, of course it’s bulls.h.i.t,” Gakuto says, stretching his arms and leaning

back on his seat. “I’m talking ‘bout video games, man.”

/ THE FIRST HOMICIDE INQUIRY - II • 55

The First Homicide Inquiry - II

On the day the finals for the second quarter ended, I saw a very unusual

thing.

Inside my desk was a letter, which automatically makes it a bit weird,

but it didn’t end there. It was the content of the letter and its sender that

surprised me. It was  brazenly asking me out on a date. The letter said

something simple like “take me out on a date, will ya?”, but something

about it was vaguely threatening, almost like an ultimatum.

I came home that day, not knowing what to make of what I just read. I

waited for the next day to come, with all the dread of a samurai who had

just been ordered to commit seppuku the first thing in the morning.

I’ve been waiting for what must have been an hour in the place 

designated: the statue of the dog Hachikō in front of the train station, when

I finally see her walking towards me from quite a bit away. The first thing I

notice is that she’s wearing a different colored kimono today, the color of

autumn leaves. It actually goes well with her bright red jacket. Though I see

 almost every day, I’ve never really noticed how small she is, looking

at her from this distance. The walk that animates her makes her features

look distant and cold, and yet she carries herself with dignity and grace;

a contradiction not unlike the one you would find on a puppet, a puppet

almost alive in its appearance, and yet ultimately dead.

“Yo, Kokutō. Been waiting long? My bad, man. Losing Akitaka was a pain

in the a.s.s.”

The second thing I notice is that she p.r.o.nounces my name weird, and I

get the feeling she’s referencing some long-dead French poet with it. And

that’s not even going into the way she’s talking now. It leaves me stunned

for a second, and I look at her a bit too long, as if to confirm whether it

really is  or some sort of elaborate but dumb prank by Gakuto.

“What, being an hour late is a cardinal sin now?”  says. She must

have noticed my mouth now hanging half-open. “Unclenching your a.s.s

some would do you wonders, my friend.” ’ black eyes stare at me

weirdly. The same eyes that always looked like they were staring at something

far off, even during the first time we met on that snowy day.

“Um, I—I just wanna check,” I stutter, laughing in my head as I do so.

“You’re , right?”

She raises an eyebrow at me. “You were expecting maybe the school

56 • KINOKO NASU

princ.i.p.al?”  laughs, leaving a suspended grin on her face afterwards.

“Well, time’s a-wastin’. I’m not good at this, so I’m gonna have to leave it

to you where we go.”

She then grabs my arm in a solid grip and starts to walk. Making a mockery

of her final statement, she strings me along by the arm across a variety

of specialty stores, never really buying anything, but moving on to a new

shop after she gets bored. I try reasoning with her, see if she wanted to

go to a movie or a coffee shop to take a breather, but she parries with an

immediate and resounding “No.” She’s probably right, anyway. Going to

such boring places wouldn’t fit ’ character now.

She talked. A lot. Quite a contrast to the usually quiet  I knew. It’s

like she’s high or something. Most of the stores we visit are clothing stores.

Given the state she’s in right now, it made me breathe a sigh of relief that

she’s still going to women’s clothing stores. Finally, after four hours of keeping

up with , she says she wants to eat, and so after much wandering,

she decides on a fast food store.

The second we go inside the restaurant  attracts attention with her

ridiculously out of place kimono, but she doesn’t seem to mind. As she

places her jacket on her seat and sits down, I decide to ask her the obvious.

“So, is this the way you normally talk out of school, ?”

“Only in my case,” she says in between furious chewing of hamburger

chunks. It looks like she doesn’t like it. “But really, how you talk means

absolutely nothing. I mean, you could change how you talk right now and

you’d still be the same guy, right?”  finishes the hamburger in seconds.

“I’m sure I’ve got you absolutely confused right about now.”

She has no idea.

“I guess I have some explaining to do. This is the first time you’ve seen

me after all. I’ve been quiet until now because me and  were on the

same wavelength on this one.”

The words are going in, but I don’t understand what she’s saying at all.

“It’s what you would call a split personality. I’m Shiki, and the one you

usually see is . But don’t get me wrong, we’re not like different people

or anything.  Ryōgi has always been one person. The only difference

between us is our priorities.”

While she says this, she puts a wet finger to a paper napkin, writing her

two names, with two differing characters but the same p.r.o.nunciation. One

Shiki that means “weave”. Another  that means “ritual”.

“I just wanted to give you a friendly neighborhood chat, is all. 

wasn’t keen on the idea, so I took over in her place. You get me?”

“I…suppose so,” I answer uneasily. The truth is that I really do sort of

/ THE FIRST HOMICIDE INQUIRY - II • 57

get it, when I think about the time we met at the school orientation. We’d

met before that, but when we talked at the orientation, she said she didn’t

know anything about it. I thought it was because she hated me or some

other similar reason, but I guess now I can kind of understand.

Being with her for half the day, I come to understand there really isn’t

so big a difference between today’s Shiki and the  I supposedly know.

Like she says, she talks differently, but the way she moves is the same. So

much the same, in fact, that doubting the veracity of what she says seems

now a foolish notion.

“But why tell me?” I say.

“Figured it’s only a matter of time before you knew.” She takes a sip from

her juice but immediately puts it down. She doesn’t really like cold things.

“I’m what you would call ’ destructive impulse. I represent the

things she wants to do the most. But until now there’s no one I could direct

this impulse at.  had no real interest in anyone.” She mentions this

with disinterest and just a tinge of regret, as if dreading the fact that she

had to say it at all. She keeps looking at me seriously, and I’m afraid of what

she’ll do should I move.

“You can relax, man. I’m still myself, and I’m just being a mouthpiece for

what  thinks right now. I’m not gonna go Charles Whitman on you.”

There is a pause for a moment, as her face grows more stern, as if to presage

the saying of something important. “Though…we are beginning to be

out of sync, so I’d take myself with just a little grain of salt, if I were you.”

“’Out of sync?’ Does that mean you and  got in a fight?”

“I like how you think someone can have a fight with himself. But no, not

like that. See, whatever I do, it has to be something we both want. ’

at the helm here, so meeting you was a mutual decision. She probably

would have gone about it entirely different, though. It’s not really in her to

just go out and take you on a date. You can thank me for that one.” I nod

without really thinking, focusing more on what she’s saying, partly because

it’s interesting, and partly because I can’t take in half of what she’s saying.

Shiki laughs. “See, I like that about you.  thinks otherwise. That’s

what I mean when I say out of sync.”

The way she worded it, I don’t know if  doesn’t like that I don’t

give it much thought, or if  doesn’t like that Shiki likes me. I’d like to

believe it’s the latter though, for the sake of my pride at the very least.

Quite abruptly, Shiki stands up, and puts the money for the food she ate

on the table.

“Well, guess that’s about it. Let’s call it a day.”

Putting her jacket on, she makes her way to the door with a happy skip

58 • KINOKO NASU

in her walk, leaving with only one thing to say:

“You’re all right, man. I like you, so we’ll see each other real soon.”

After parting with Shiki, I start to make my way home. Once I reach the

street, I’m surprised to see the city being bathed with the warm glow of

sunset. Though it’s still a relatively early time, there’s a lot less people in

the main road than usual thanks to the recent murders.

I must be tired after talking (not to mention window shopping) with

Shiki for that long, so I make my way inside my house with only a cursory

greeting to my parents. I was planning to inhabit the kotatsu for a good

warm nap, only to find my cousin Daisuke, a frequent visitor and a good

friend, had already usurped the table. Wordlessly, we initiate a battle for

the warm table, struggling with our legs to gain the most ground. In the

end, however, I am no match for him, and while he lies down, half his body

being warmed by the kotatsu, I end up having to stand up.

“You must be busy these days, Daisuke,” I say while eating some of the

oranges on top of the table, resignation clear in my voice.

“Yeah, real busy, what with five murders in three months. Sorry for

crashing in your house like this. Figured your dad’s house was closer to the

police station, and I only get one hour of R&R before I need to get back, so

going home would have been a waste of time.”

My cousin Daisuke is a homicide detective in the city police, an irony

since he’s “kind of a lazy guy.” His words, not mine. Why the department

would put a man so unfit for the position of solving crime is a mystery not

even he can solve. He’s my go-to source for all of the crime related stuff

that happens, a convenience that seems to be proving its worth with every

pa.s.sing day.

“How’s the search going?” I ask.

“Baby steps. We were pretty hard up for leads, but in this fifth vic, the

suspect finally threw us a bone, even if it does seem intentional.” Daisuke

sits up and faces me, a grim look on his worn out and sleep-deprived face.

“What I’m about to tell you is confidential, Mikiya. You’re not entirely unrelated

to this, so listen up. I told you about the first vic, right?”

Daisuke then proceeds to describe the situation with the second and

third victims. While hoping that not all policemen in the country are this

loose-tongued, I listen to his story. The second victim was vertically sliced

in half from the crotch to the head. Murder weapon unknown. One of the

halves was stuck to the wall.

The third victim had his limbs cut off, and the arms sewn to the legs. The

/ THE FIRST HOMICIDE INQUIRY - II • 59

fourth was cut into pieces, with what looked like a symbol or some other

marking left on the body. The fifth was arranged such that the arms and

legs formed a manji symbol.

“Obviously someone with some sort of mental disorder,” I say, trying to

hold back the growing sickness in my stomach.

“Too obvious, though. This guy has some sort of point to make here.

What do you think?”

“Hmm. I don’t think there’s any meaning in them all being killed by a

cutting weapon. Other than that, I don’t know. But…”

“But?”

“He’s getting used to it. All the victims until now have been outside. The

next one might be a break and enter job.”

Daisuke puts a hand on his temple. I really do pity the stress this job,

and heck, this case is giving him. I know he’s barely had any time to himself.

“There’s no motive, no pattern,” he observes. “And he might try going

inside houses next if he doesn’t find anyone outside to kill. I hope the bra.s.s

gets the same read on this guy and have some sort of plan for it. Probably

not, though.”

He closes his eyes, right hand still resting on his head, nursing an invisible

wound. “As for why I told you all of this…we found this in the fifth

crime scene. Suspect probably dropped it.” He produces a small plastic

bag from his pocket; the kind used to preserve evidence, and inside is our

school emblem. We have to stick it somewhere in our clothes when we go

to school.

“The area had a lot of vegetation, so the suspect might not have noticed

that he dropped this. Or it could have been intentional, some sort of message.

I don’t know. But it’s the only lead I got. I might be paying your school

a visit in a few days,” Daisuke says, almost like a premonition for an ill omen.

60 • KINOKO NASU

The First Homicide Inquiry - III

Before anyone could grow comfortable or complacent with it, winter

vacation ends. The only special thing that happened during that time was

that I made the customary visit to the shrine on New Year’s with Shiki, but

other than that, there was nothing else of note.

As the third term starts,  starts to isolate herself even more. Even

I could tell she was trying to stay away from other people as much as possible.

After school, she likes to look out the window when everyone else

has left, but it would always be Shiki that waits, just like today. I keep her

company, even though she hasn’t said that she wants me to. She needs it,

I think.

The winter evenings come earlier, and the sunset that heralds it bathes

the cla.s.sroom in a deep red light. The bright light makes the shadows that

play across the cla.s.sroom’s walls even darker, and Shiki’s shadow is no

exception. She leans against the window before she begins to talk.

“Say, Kokutō. Did I ever tell you that I hate people?”

“Not really.” I reply with the tone that implies skepticism at where this

topic is going.

“Well, congratulations, now you know. ’ a misanthrope, been one

since she was a kid. See, when you’re a kid, you don’t know nothing yet,

right? You think every random Joe you meet on the street loves ya, just like

that. I mean, you love yourself, so it’s common sense that they must like

you too, right?”

“I suppose. When you’re a kid, you still trust everyone. When you’re a

kid, you’re scared of ghosts. When you grow up, you get scared of other

people.”

“Right. But that ignorance is what’s really important, Kokutō. It never

occurs to you that your best friend could be a murderer, or that your neighbor

could be killing puppies in his spare time. You don’t suspect. And since

you don’t know anything, other people will accept you. And no matter how

fake that is, it’s important, since you’ll be able to love other people too.

People can only express the emotions they know, after all.”

The sunset paints her face red, and her eyes acquire that peculiar gaze

of hers, reminiscent of the kind of casual, perhaps feigned disdain of a

predator hiding its intentions from its prey. Right now, I can’t tell which

Shiki she currently is. Maybe it doesn’t even matter.

“But it was different for me. Since the day I was born,  had me

inside of her, so she already knew of other people. I didn’t love her, and

/ THE FIRST HOMICIDE INQUIRY - III • 61

so she learned that it was possible for people not to love. Ever since she

was a kid, she learned how ugly people can be on the inside, and so she

couldn’t love other people. In time, that tempered to rejection, and then

disinterest.”

And that’s how I grew to dislike people, her eyes seemed to conclude.

“But weren’t you lonely like that?” I muse.

“Why would I be?  has me, doesn’t she? She was isolated from society,

sure, but alone? Never.” She tries her best to look like she really means

it. “But lately,” she continues, “ has been acting kinda weird. She’s

been trying harder and harder to deny her abnormality. Denial is what I do.

She’s only supposed to affirm.” Shiki laughs bitterly at their private joke,

her sinister smile betraying the brutality beneath.

“Kokutō, have you ever wanted to kill someone?”

At that moment, the sun shone in a peculiar way, making her face take

on a deep, crimson, almost blood-stained look, and it made my heart jump.

“Not really, no. Probably the furthest I’ve ever thought in that vein is

wanting to punch someone.”

“I see. But for me, that desire is all I have,” she declares, as her voice

echoes across the empty cla.s.sroom, now lit by a burning red sun.

“What do you mean?”

“All the things that  really wants to do, all the things she holds

back, I welcome with open arms. It’s my sole meaning and purpose, and

it doesn’t make me unhappy at all to know that. And that’s why  has

always tried to suppress me. She always tries to kill the black stain in her

that’s called Shiki. I’ve killed myself, over and over and over again. I told

you, right? ‘People can only express the emotions they know?’ Well, the

only emotion I’ve ever experienced…is murder.”

She finally stands up from the windowsill, and without making so much

as a sound, draws closer to me, and in that moment, I feel fear, genuine

fear, in my heart.

“And that’s why, Kokutō, ’ definition of murder,” she pauses and

leans close to my ear, her murmur as audible as a shout, “is killing me. She

kills anything that makes me want to come out.”

And with her prankster smile grimly signaling the end of the conversation,

Shiki leaves the cla.s.sroom.

62 • KINOKO NASU

The day after, I try to pretend as if nothing happened. I go about the

motions as usual, and of course this includes inviting  to eat lunch

together.

“Wanna grab a bite with me?”

“What…in the…” Her face betrays surprise, a face I’ve yet to see her

put on until now, and yet with her voice wavering, she reluctantly accepts,

perhaps to preserve routine more than anything.

 always liked going to the roof, and so we head there. We climb the

stairs, with  choosing to remain silent, but I knew her pointed stare of

surprise and anger is boring a hole in my back. I know the reason why she’s

mad. Even I could read between the lines of what Shiki said yesterday. But

it’s not like she hasn’t unconsciously been sending signals for me to back

off, and I just take it as business as usual.

When I open the door to the roof, we find that we’re all alone. It seems

that we’re the only ones that want to eat lunch under the cold late-January

sky.

“Man, it’s cold,” I say. “Wanna go somewhere else?”

“I’m alright. If you want to eat somewhere else, however, then you are

welcome to do so.”

As always, her sarcasm-drenched politeness doesn’t really bother me.

We sit beside the wall to avoid the chill of the wind, with me already having

finished two sandwiches.  hasn’t even touched hers.

“Why are you even talking to me?”  murmured something almost

inaudible even in this deserted rooftop, and it was so sudden I wasn’t able

to hear it clearly.

“You said something, ?”

“I said, why are you so thoughtless?” she says while fixing me with the

same angry glare she had on earlier.

“Oh, come on. I’ve been called ‘honest to a fault’ many times before, but

never ‘thoughtless.’”

“Then everyone’s been going easy on you,” she says, sounding convinced.

 finally breaks open the wrapping on her egg sandwich; the

sound of the crunching plastic seal echoed in the empty rooftop. The noise

was fitting somehow.  sits silently now while eating her sandwich in

small, deliberate chunks, and as I’m already done, I’m just sort of idling. I

can practically feel the wave of angered expectation she’s generating, so I

try to break it by starting the conversation that had been in the air since I

asked her to eat lunch with me.

&ldq