"Are you my friend?"

"Yes," she said without pause.

"Then why do you give me c.r.a.p all the time?"

"Because I'm your friend."

Walter could've laughed.

Sometimes it sounded like he was walking on something wet, and when he looked down he'd see periodic used condoms lying on the sidewalk, demonic seed leaking though their factory-made perforations. He'd also see occasional charred hands and feet, from low-end hookers who'd sold the parts to street-side smoke-diviners for drug money. Across the street, two horned pimps were mugging a john, and a block down, a pair of Imp prost.i.tutes were stabbing each other. Golem police officers walked slowly by, unconcerned.

"Turn here," No-name said when they finally got to the end of the half-mile-long bordello block.

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL ALLEY a street sign read.

Denizens strolled out, hands in pockets. One bearded man was walking and he looked right at Walter and said, "I told you I'd see you here." His head sat on his shoulders at an angle, and the b.l.o.o.d.y shirt he wore read: PIL: THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. Walter watched him walk by, speechless.

Shouts could be heard from the distance. The left side of the alley remained the window-pocked Wall of Skin, but here the skin shined less l.u.s.trously and eventually grew infectious. Chancres throbbed, gonorrhea raged in folds of flesh, chlamydic discharge oozed from pocks. Some of the epidermal pocks squirmed from chiggers embedded beneath.

The women in these windows were all afflicted in one way or other: missing a limb, missing a scalp, burned, covered in demonic rashes, and the like. One girl sat dejectedly in one window, looking to one side. She appeared pet.i.te and attractive, until she turned to reveal the other side of her face, which had been sc.r.a.ped off to the bone. Another Human woman could've been a model, save for the fact that her b.r.e.a.s.t.s had been chewed off. Another, a She-Troll, looked out her window sightlessly, her eye sockets empty. A sign under her window read: ANY HOLE OF YOUR CHOICE: $5.

Walter felt petrified now. What would await him?

"Get ready, Walter," No-name consoled. "Remember, it's better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven't done."

"Meaning?"

"You're not going to like what you're about to see. But you wanted to come here. You willingly came through that Deadpa.s.s to see Candice, and now you're going to see her. So. We're here. This is what you want..."

Another refrain. Walter stood still in the moment.

This is what you get, he thought.

The red-light district in h.e.l.l.

A m.u.f.fled voice eddied out from the dark as a slinky figure approached, high heels clicking. "Half-and-half, ten h.e.l.lnotes, cutie pie. I'll give it to you like you never got it before."

Yellow light from the windows glared down, and it was into that light that the figure stepped.

Walter's heart pattered.

It was her. It was Candice.

Walter could only stand and stare, enamored.

Here she was as he'd always envisioned her: the Adriatic-blue eyes, the long blond hair down past her waist, five-foot-ten and a half, and taller on the stiletto heels.

Then those Adriatic-blue eyes widened.

"Walter?" she questioned.

Her voice sounded m.u.f.fled, almost like someone talking through a mouthful of food. Walter didn't understand it ... and didn't care.

Because she was here.

"Yes, it's me, Candice." His words sounded miles away. "I came here for you."

She stood in the light, but a shadow obscured part of her face. "So Colin wasn't bulls.h.i.tting me. He killed me, to send me here. Then he killed himself."

"You know?" Walter was dismayed. "You know that I'm-"

"Yeah, I know all about it. You're an Etherean now, because Colin blew his head off before you could. You don't look very powerful to me."

Walter didn't feel it, either. He felt helplessly human, love radiating at his heart, his very mortal heart. He took a deep breath. He wanted to talk to her, about so many things, and about the future he could provide for her, even in this d.a.m.ned city ...

But something wasn't right. Something was out of place.

Her voice.

It sounded so m.u.f.fled, so garbled. He didn't understand.

"Candice, what's wrong with your voice?"

"Try talking through this, a.s.shole," came her next garble, and then she took another step closer and brought the rest of her face into the light.

The mouth of an infernal sea creature known as a Bapho-Octopoid had been surgically affixed, replacing Candice's human mouth. A tight, toothless o-ring of gray-white rubbery flesh. It was actually a not-so-rare surgical transfiguration for prost.i.tutes, to embellish oral proficiencies. Around the rim of her new mouth, tiny tentacles squirmed, that reminded Walter of sauteed calamari.

"Still love me, Walter? Still wanna kiss me?"

"Yes," Walter said.

"This is all your fault, you geek piece of s.h.i.t," came the next wet mumble. "Your G.o.dd.a.m.n brother killed me just so you'd come after me. I didn't have anything to do with that occult s.h.i.t-I was used." She pointed to the tentacle-rimmed sucker mouth. "This is your fault."

Walter desperately shook his head. "I can fix all that, Candice. They have surgeons here, they have these Transfigurists. They'll change you back to normal. Once I hook up with Lucifer, he'll do anything I ask."

Wet laughter fired from the mouth-hole. "You arc such a gullible dweeb!"

"No, no," Walter was growing frantic. "I saw the page in your diary. I've come to rescue you. I'm an Etherean, I have great power and Satan will reward me if I agree to use my power for him. I'll make sure he rewards you too. I read your diary page, and I know now that you truly do love me."

The constricted ring of flesh twitched as she talked in a gargly whisper. "I hate you, I hate your guts."

"But-but, your diary page!"

"Colin made me write that bulls.h.i.t with a gun to my head, you d.i.c.kless a.s.shole. I hate you, I hate you, I've always hated you. The only reason I was ever nice to you was because you did my homework for me."

"You-you-you'll change your mind-you're under an understandable amount of stress. I'm telling you, when I go over to Lucifer, he'll give me anything I want. I'll have him give you your regular face back. It'll be wonderful. We'll finally be together."

No-name rolled her eyes. "You poor sap."

"I'm serious, Candice," Walter babbled on, "we'll live in a big palace with servants and every luxury. Satan rewards the faithful."

Her mouth twitched some more. "Satan rewards only himself through the misery of others. Colin was faithful and look what he got as a reward."

She pointed across the alley, where a large Ghor-Hound-drawn carriage sat, the fanged Ghor-Hound itself bigger than the largest horse. The carriage was rocking on the springs over its great spoked wheels. Outside the carriage stood a line of at least a dozen fat, well-dressed Trolls, each holding h.e.l.lnotes in their stubby hands. And standing at the carriage door was somebody Walter remembered.

Her nude beauty was impeccable, her black hair shining like oil. It was Augustina, Colin's former limo driver in the Living World. Here she looked the same as she had on earth: the perfect hour-gla.s.s physique, the erect bosom, and the blazing white skin checkerboarded from ankles to throat with stark black inverted crosses. She was taking money from the Trolls standing in line.

She's... a pimp, Walter realized.

Then the carriage door opened, and out climbed a corpulent Troll, grinning in satisfaction as he hauled up his trousers.

"See, Walter?" No-name observed. "She's the pimp, and your brother's the 'ho."

Aghast, Walter watched as the next Troll gave Augustina a stack of bills and climbed into the carriage, unbuckling his pants. Before the carriage door was re-closed, Walter had time to catch a glimpse of his brother. Colin had not been transfigured into a Grand Duke as he'd antic.i.p.ated. His head had been shaved, and he'd been tarred and feathered, save for his b.u.t.tocks. His wrists were chained to the floor, and right now the Troll was bending him over the carriage seat. The door slammed shut. Walter turned away when Colin began to scream.

Augustina smiled at him, waved daintily.

"But that's nothing compared to what you'll get," Candice mumbled, trying to smile herself through the Octopoid mouth. "And you'll be getting it soon."

Walter felt as though his heart had been blown out.

"Let's go, Walter," No-name said.

Walter headed back toward the main drag. Augustina continued to wave after him, Colin continued to scream, and Candice continued to laugh.

I'm the biggest sucker in h.e.l.l, Walter thought.

No-name's head seemed to be contemplating something, her mouth opened in a pause. She seemed bothered. "Walter, I know you're sensitive, so don't take this too hard but-"

"But what?" he asked, looking down.

He'd been carrying her all this time under his arm. "You need a better deodorant. Consider my position. I'm practically living in your armpit right now."

Walter, again, thought about the possibility of dropping her into the nearest garbage can. The last thing he needed now was more s.h.i.t from other people. "Well, I'm really sorry about that, No-name. I'm under a little stress here, if you don't mind. I'm an Etherean-I'm a living myth in h.e.l.l-and with all that, I come to find out that I have no powers anyway. And I just found out that the girl I love is one of Satan's hookers, and so is my brother. I've had a bad day."

"Oh, poor Walter, boo-hoo. Pity poor Walter. Poor Walter's under so much stress." The head glared at him. "What about me? I'm not under stress? I haven't had a bad day? I'm a severed head!"

"That's not my fault!"

"No, nothing's your fault, Walter. You're too afraid to ever take enough of a risk. You'd rather shuffle around with your stooped shoulders and mope. You wanna know why people think you're a geek, Walter? Because you act like one. You let yourself be the target of other people's cruelty because you ask for it. You're not man enough to change that. You're your own nerd, Walter, because you made yourself that way. If you don't like it, then do something about it."

Tears flowed down Walter's cheeks. He grabbed No-name by the hair and held her out, looking at her. "I don't know what to do."

"I can't tell you what to do. There's gotta come a time in your life when you make a positive decision on your own. Here, or back in the Living World. That time is now. Grow up. Stop acting like the wimp you're certain you are."

"Please stop being mean to me," he pleaded. "I can't hack it anymore."

"Then do something about it. Summon the courage within yourself."

"What? Throw you away?"

"If you like."

"But you're my friend! You just said so! Are you lying too?"

"No, Walter, I can never lie to you. And I am your friend. I rag on you to provoke you, because, very soon, you're going to need to make a very serious decision."

"The only decision I have to make is do I kill myself here or back in the Living World? You already know, but you won't tell me."

Now No-name looked equally disheartened. "I'll tell you this. There's another decision you're going to have to make first."

"What is it?" Walter's mind reeled. "Why don't you help me?"

"That's what I'm trying to do. You're not thinking clearly. I already told you. Be deductive. Be smart."

I am smart, he thought, angered. What is she talking about now?

"What do you know about your current situation, Walter?" the head asked next. "Be transitive, be-"

"Yeah, yeah, be deductive; I heard you the first time." Walter tried to let some of the fog clear from his head. Yes, he knew he was smart-that was about the only thing he was certain of-but he also knew that the shock and horror and despair of everything he'd just seen was sidetracking him.

He repeated No-name's question: What do I know about my current situation?

"One," he started, "I'm an Etherean, and right now I'm in h.e.l.l."

"Good," No-name said. "Go on. Why are you in h.e.l.l?"

"Because I came through the Deadpa.s.s."

The head frowned. "Why did you come though the Deadpa.s.s?"

Walter frowned back. "For the express purpose of getting here."

"Why? What were your motivations? Start again. Be deductive."

Walter let out a long sigh. "One, I'm an Etherean. Two, I'm in h.e.l.l. Three, I came to h.e.l.l willingly because I wanted to see Candice, to see if I had a chance with her because in her diary she said that she loved me. Four, it turns out that Candice doesn't love me, Colin just made her write that. Five, that's the reason that Colin killed her in the first place, to send her soul to h.e.l.l." Walter slowed, thinking. "That's about it, isn't it?"

"No!" No-name bellowed. She was getting mad. "I can't tell you! You have to figure it out for yourself!"

Now Walter stopped completely. He blinked. Then he whispered, "Holy s.h.i.t...."

"Yes?"

"I'm Plan B. Plan A failed. Lucifer wanted to capture the Etheress but he failed. Colin had Candice fake the diary page and then sent her to h.e.l.l because he knew that I would follow her here. Lucifer failed to capture the Etheress so now he wants to capture me. Candice was the bait he was using to lure me here."

"Yes," No-name affirmed. "And now? Deductively?"

"Candice was the trap." Walter blinked again. He finally got it. "And I just walked into it."