"You can't do this! You have studies... duties... a destiny!"

"I want to be with him, Mother! I was wrong to let you intimidate me into submission again. I was wrong to let him just walk away. We can't go back to the way it used to be, Mother. It's not going to happen. It would be a lie, and I won't live a lie!"

Lwaxana placed her hands on her hips and said sarcastically, "And what are you going to do? Quit your studies?"

"Probably."

"Marry him?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'll just go with him, be happy to be near him. When he ships out for his next a.s.signment, I'll try to sign on. Some sort of job, I don't care what. Chief cook and bottle washer-it doesn't matter as long as we're together."

"You on a starship?" Lwaxana said, appalled. "A beautiful, free creature like you, cooped up in a ship for years? Millions of light-years away from home? It's insanity!"

"I've thought about Starfleet for years. A life of adventure, of experiencing minds and philosophies beyond what I have here. But I never really considered it as an option. Now, though, I understand. There's a galaxy of possibilities out there-even for a daughter of the Fifth House, if she simply has the nerve to take them. And who knows? Maybe I won't join Starfleet. Maybe I'll go back to geology. Maybe I'll paint myself blue and become a naked dancing girl in the Zetli system. But whatever I do, it will be my choice, not yours."

Deanna headed for the door, and in her head she heard, If you go out that door, don't come back.

Deanna went out the door.

CHAPTER 30.

Deanna entered the emba.s.sy, which was quiet since it was after hours. But she stumbled upon several security men, whom she remembered from having met them in the jungle at the rendezvous point.

"Evening, miss," said Sommers, nodding slightly.

"h.e.l.lo. I'm... I'm here to see Lieutenant Riker."

"Yes, miss. I'm sure you are," Sommers said. "You know the way?"

"Oh, yes."

He waved her past and Deanna disappeared down the hall. Sommers whistled softly to himself. "The officers get all the women."

Deanna went straight to Riker's quarters, her heart pounding. She had envisioned what he would say, what he would do. He was going to be so proud of her. The way that she had stood up to her mother, the way that she had taken control of her life. He would congratulate her, he would be thrilled at her love for him, he would take her in his arms...

She walked into his quarters and stopped dead in her tracks.

The room was only partly lit, but she could see Riker was lying in bed, naked. His uniform was tossed in several places around the room. He was asleep... and curled around the naked form of a woman whom Deanna immediately recognized as Wendy Roper.

Deanna made no sound, but her mind screamed in embarra.s.sment and mortification.

It was more than enough to awaken Riker.

He sat up, confused and disoriented. He also sat up much too quickly because he was solidly hung over, and for a moment he thought his head was going to ricochet across the room. He sputtered uncomprehendingly... and then he saw Deanna, standing in the doorway, backlit by the hall light.

It took him a moment to reach the full realization that this wasn't a dream, or for that matter, a nightmare. "Deanna?" he said in a voice that sounded distant and ill.

She wanted to run shrieking down the hallway, but there was no way that she was going to retreat in that manner. "My apologies, Lieutenant. I seem to have come at a bad time. Perhaps if I'd called ahead, you might have been able to fit me into your schedule."

Her tone made Riker's hair hurt. "Deanna," he said again, and started forward. But his coordination was way off and instead he crashed to the floor.

The noise awakened the stone-cold-sober Wendy, who sat up in confusion and looked around. She saw Deanna. blinked in mild chagrin, and pulled the blanket around herself.

"Deanna," Riker began again. He grabbed at his uniform and started to pull it on.

"How nice. You have a thorough command of my name," she said, her arms folded.

"This isn't what it seems." Then Riker looked at Wendy, and the rumpled bed, and back to Deanna. "All right, it is what it seems. But I... you said you didn't want to see me anymore. You said we were finished and-"

"And it had been less than twenty-four hours since you'd had female companionship, so naturally you got over me. In fact. not only did you get over me, you practically vaulted over me," Deanna said, her voice getting louder.

Riker made shushing noises, which only prompted her to raise her voice more. "Are you afraid someone will hear?" she demanded.

"No," he whispered. "It's just... my head hurts."

"I'm sorry about your head," she said, not sounding remotely sorry. "I won't burden it further."

She spun on her heel and walked away. Riker, his uniform disheveled, nevertheless ran after her. He caught up with her halfway down the hallway and spun her around.

"You said-" he began.

"I know what I said. And would you like to know what I said to my mother? I told her I'd been wrong to toss you away. That it was time for me to find my own path. And that I wanted that path to be with you." Hot tears welled in her eyes and she fought them down. "But I foolishly a.s.sumed that you wanted that as well."

"I do-"

"No, you don't. I crawled out on a limb for you, and you chopped it off behind me."

"It wasn't like that. I wasn't thinking straight, and Wendy showed up, and-"

"And it was an opportunity."

"Yes."

"And it didn't really mean anything."

"That's right."

"And how do I know," she said icily, "that our time together didn't fall into the same categories?"

He took her by the shoulders. "You know that it didn't."

"I thought I knew that. But now I'm not sure. And what's worse, you're not sure either. Will... I thought we had something special. The physical and the spiritual. But for me, one hinges on the other. For you, it doesn't. And I don't think that's ever going to change for you."

Riker felt something slipping away from him, something very important-more important than he could have guessed-and suddenly, desperately, he wanted to save it. "I can change," he said. "I can-"

"Not overnight. Maybe someday, but maybe not ever. It may be, for you, something that can only come with maturity. I can't hinge my life on maybes. Because you're going to go away and I have to make decisions, and I can't base those decisions on uncertainties."

For a moment he bristled. "You sound so d.a.m.ned holier-than-thou. How do you know how it's going to be for you? Maybe as you mature, you'll change. Maybe you'll decide that you don't have to be heels over head in love in order to be intimate with someone. Maybe you'll discover that the physical side can have its own rewards, now that you've allowed yourself to experience it."

"Perhaps," she said evenly. "But there's one thing of which I'm reasonably sure at this point."

"Oh, really? What?"

"That you're not going to be there to find out."

He tried to think of a response to that, but before he could, she put a hand to his cheek and said, sounding not angry, but simply sad, "I'm sorry, Will. I just don't think there's a future for us."

And she turned and walked away.

Riker stood there, unmoving, watching her go. Wanting to say something, but unable to. Perhaps it was the drink still buzzing in his head, or perhaps there simply were no words... or even thoughts.

He turned and there was Sergeant Tang, leaning against a wall and regarding him thoughtfully.

"You were right to let her go, sir," said Tang. "Mark me, there's a twinkling star for every broken heart that a Startleet man leaves-"

"Shut up, Tang," said Riker, and walked past him, heading back to his quarters.

Tang, unruffled, merely nodded. "Shutting up. sir. All part of the service."

Deanna Troi peeked into the study, sensing that her mother was still there.

Lwaxana was staring at a small holograph. She said nothing to Deanna, but Deanna sensed that her mother was not mentally wishing her to stay away. Tentatively, she entered the study and peered over her mother's shoulder.

"That's Grandmother, isn't it," said Deanna.

Lwaxana merely nodded.

There was a long silence, and then Deanna said, "I just came to get some of my things."

Her mother stared at the holograph for a time longer and then said, "You know... when I said that if you went out the door, you couldn't return... the words sounded familiar somehow. I racked my brain trying to remember where I'd heard them."

"And did you?"

"Mm-hmm. My mother"-Lwaxana waved the holograph slightly-"said it to me. When I told her I wanted to marry your father."

"She had her own plans for you?"

"Of course. Just as you are promised to Wyatt, I was promised to... what was his name?" She paused, and then remembered. "Stahly. That was it. But when we were of the proper age, we met for the first time, and... well, things just didn't... work out."

Deanna hunkered down next to her mother, fascinated. Lwaxana had never spoken of this before. "Why not? Didn't you like each other?"

"Oh, we got on quite well. I liked him, he liked me. But... I knew moments after we were introduced that it was hopeless. For one thing... he was in love with someone else."

"Another woman?"

Lwaxana looked at her bleakly. "Another man."

All Deanna could say was, "Oh."

"The h.e.l.l of it was," admitted Lwaxana, "they made a cuter couple than we did."

Deanna tried not to smile. "It must have been very difficult for you."

"Well, fortunately it was shortly after that that I met your father. But my mother was stung by the lack of success for her match, and so she rejected out of hand whomever I brought home. We had an explosive argument about it. She disliked everything about your father."

"As much as you dislike Will Riker?"

"Oh, no... my dear, you thought I was difficult?" Lwaxana laughed mirthlessly. "She was much worse. Much much worse. Because to her, it was a matter of wounded pride. The notion that I could find a mate for myself where she had failed. And when I stormed out, through that very door, in fact"-she pointed to the front door-"she told me that I shouldn't bother coming back. Oh, she didn't mean it, of course. Well... maybe at the time, she did."

"And did you mean it when you said it to me?"

Lwaxana regarded her thoughtfully. "At the time." Then she spread her arms. "Oh, Deanna... I'm so sorry."

Deanna leaned forward and her mother embraced her. "Sorry for what, Mother?"

"Sorry because I know what happened when you went to see Lieutenant Riker. I mean... a mother knows these things."

"Especially when a mother can read minds."

"That's true. And also... I'm sorry because you were right about something. About how... things between us have changed. And we can't go back to the way they were."

"Why are you sorry about that, Mother?"

"Because I liked the way things were," said Lwaxana plaintively. "It was nice, simple, uncomplicated." But then she sighed and patted Deanna's hand. "But it wasn't what you wanted. I understand that. And I really am not an ogress, Deanna."

"I know, Mother."

"I just ask one thing. Please... please don't become a naked blue dancer on Zetli. It's so chilly there, I can guarantee you, you'll catch your death."

"All right, Mother." Deanna smiled. "Tell you what. Not only do I promise not to become a naked dancer of any color, but I'll stay with my psychology studies. Although... I don't rule out Starfleet as an eventual outlet for my career."

Lwaxana appeared about to object, but instead she simply nodded her head. "Whatever will make you happy, dear."

"Thank you, Mother."

"You know, it's so late at night, and you ran out without having dinner. You must be starving."

"I... am a little hungry," admitted Deanna.

"Would you like something to eat?"

"That'd be nice."