Frightened?

Go puke.

Entire world falling apart?

Hurry up and go puke.

All of the above?

Puke.

Puke.

Puke.

Puke.

And puke some more.

448.

Totally Puked Out Esophagus acid-etched, I'm ready to face the day.

Not.

Despite the insulation of two closed doors and **

a hallway, **

I can hear Mom and Daddy screaming insults at each **

other.

I want her to leave now, leave us within the solace **

of silence.

I so need to get high. But Mick, I'm guessing, is no longer **

an option.

And that basically leaves one person I can ask for a buzz.

Ty.

449.

I Dial His Number Get only his voice mail.

Leave a subtle message.

"Please call back as soon as you get this. I so need to hook up with you."

Sounded a bit desperate there. And guess what?

I am. Downers are okay, I guess, but it's not like you really enjoy the buzz.

Mostly, you sleep through it. What fun is that?

Besides, I need to feel desirable, not like a piece of furniture, something you can sit on. Something that belongs to my mom or my daddy. I need to feel like somebody wants me, even if he wants me for all the wrong reasons.

Mostly, I just need to feel.

450.

But If Ty Wants Me He's playing hard to get.

Hours pass without a word. I almost wish I would have gone to school. I wish Mom or Daddy would have asked why I didn't go, but apparently they're both so wrapped up in themselves (and wrapped around each other's throats), it was too much effort to even notice.

All I can think about are two things. One: Ty calling to say he's on his way to pick me up, take me home, and spend hours doing crazy things with me, insane things that will carry us all the way down into hell, and maybe, just maybe, back up again. And two: this morning's phone call. If not for money, why did my grandmother bother to call at all?

451.

Kaeleigh Three Days Since the election and things have finally settled down.

Mom left for DC this morning.

She and I still have no clue why Grandma Gardella called the other day. We talked about it for a few minutes, which is about all the time she could spare for me. I swear I could run away and she wouldn't notice me gone. Daddy is a different tale.

Sometimes I turn around suddenly, sure he's behind me. But he's not.

Sometimes, even though I know he's miles away, I feel him watching me, monitoring every move I make, every twitch, every pee, every thought, even. Sometimes, rarely, that makes me feel safe, and that scares me through and through.

Will I ever be able to leave Daddy at all?

452.

School Was Crazy For a day or two, like Mom's celebrity had somehow worn off on me. Today is better.

No questions. No jokes.

Everything back to normal, at least as normal as things get.

Thank God for Ian, always my reality check. And often, my voice of reason. I guess **

it's good to have a conscience hanging around somewhere.

The fact that he happens to be **

a great kisser is a definite bonus.

At least as long as those strange feelings about my father, **

and how he can see beyond the miles, don't happen to prove true. Then, considering how much **

kissing has gone on between Ian and me today, I'm toast. If so, the kissing was worth every crumb.

453.

One Thing Kind of Weird, Though As hot as our kissing gets (and it gets pretty intense), Ian has not tried to take things further. Once or twice, his hands have strayed to certain places, places that made me want a lot more than kissing.

But he always pulls back, intuiting that, much as I might want more, I'm really not ready to give myself to him in that way. All the way.

Not yet. Everything has to be right.

In place. Hopeful. Fearless. Perfect.

He drives me home now and my heart beats against his back, promising "I do love you. I do love you. I do..."

He stops around the corner from home, out of sight of our windows, of Hannah's windows (just in case).

We are well ahead of the school bus.

We'll let it go by before I walk on home. Daddy took the week off.

Who knows where he's at, or what he's doing? Even this is risky, and we both know it. Don't care.

454.

At Last the Bus goes By I haven't much time, at least not if Daddy is home, aware.

I press myself into Ian, try to absorb enough of him to get **

me through the long night without him. He doesn't need **

the words, but I offer them anyway. "I love you so much.

More than life itself. I'd be a total wreck without you."

He looks into my eyes, smiles.

I.

know. I feel the same way.

My head shakes automatically.

"You're so together. You don't **

need me to keep you that way.

But you are my glue. Without **