He smiles.

Older than what?

357.

I Know He Has More to Say I've got plenty more to say too, but I'm afraid if I do I'll jinx myself. Still, home isn't so far and my curiosity is killing me. "So...what do you think?"

About what?

Is he playing coy? He has to know what I'm talking about.

This game isn't that complicated.

"About us." Okay. Said it.

He sucks in a deep breath.

There isn't an "us.

Now see? Went and jinxed it. Oh, well. What's jinxed is jinxed. Might as well push things right out into the open.

"I thought there might be...

could be, anyway. Kind of seemed like things were moving that way." Enough already. Let him talk.

358.

Lawler Pulls Over A couple of blocks from home.

I don't move to get out of the car, and he turns to face me.

You are a stunning temptation, not to mention an amazing distraction.

You're bright, beautiful, adventurous.

I am totally drawn to you. and if you were eighteen and not my student, I'd go out with you in a hot second...

No! He's brushing me off.

I want to yell, but I get the feeling a soft question might work better.

"What if we were really careful?"

I can't believe he's about to withdraw from the game.

You saw what happened tonight.

I guess that was an eye-opener for me. Ours is a very small school, **

in a very small town. Secrets are difficult to keep here, especially this kind of secret. I'm really 359.

sorry that I led you on. There's just something about you. Something...

fractured...injured, despite how **

together you always appear to be.

I wanted to help you. To heal whatever's broken in you. To make you whole.

Whole. No one can do that for me. God, why did he have to go and get so serious?

Game over. I lose. What am I going to do? Throw a tantrum?

"Okay. I understand. But if you **

ever change your mind, you know where to find me, at least during second block." Side-out.

360.

A Man with Morals Or maybe just a coward.

Either way, lucky me, I had to go and fall for him. History will not be nearly as much fun from now on. In fact, I'm not sure how I'll go to class, listen to his lectures, ace his pop quizzes, etc. etc., without staring at his pecs or better yet, his gluteus.

Then again, I can still stare, still fantasize, still dream, can't I?

361.

Anyway, Lawler Seems Like the "fall in love, settle down, and have three kids with a picket fence" kinda guy. Definitely not my type.

Not that I'm sure exactly what my type is. Other than cute. Built. I'd like to say intelligent, but that **

hasn't always proved the case with some of my selections.

Still, if I could build the perfect guy, he'd be smart. Just not **

as smart as me. Funny.

And, oh yeah, a stoner.

Killer combination. Lawler, with connections. Sounds **

pretty good to me. Yet even all that can't add up to "happy ever after." Does anyone really believe in such a thing?

362.

Happy Ever After Is a concept I'll never believe in. I would be content to sample some little taste of happiness today, tonight, right now, though I know without a doubt that tomorrow will arrive, saturated with pain.

Life is like that. At least my life. And honestly, I can't think of anyone whose life is any different. The price tag for joy is misery. I don't want to go inside, but I can't stay out here on the grass all night.

It's crunchy cold. I watch Lawler drive away, wish with all my heart I could keep him here beside me, wrapped around me, blanketing me with security, fragile as that might also be.

Oh yes, I would like that very much.

But he's gone already, out of sight, a shadow blurred into night, and I will weave dreams no longer.

363.

Kaeleigh Sunday Morning Post-Halloween. The house is silent, fast asleep, but despite the seeming calm, I know in my bones that I'm straddling more than one powder keg, lit torch in hand. Everything wants to blow, although I can't say exactly why I think so, but it definitely has to do with Mom getting home late last night.

I guess she plans to stay through Election Day. Depending on the outcome of that, she'll leave for DC right away to find a place, or she'll settle back here indefinitely. Meaning until she finds a new crusade to embark on.

Why can't her crusade be me?

The polls say the race is still very close. Either way, I feel her slip away. Either way, our lives won't be the same much longer.

364.

Either Way Mom is sleeping in the guest room.

Maybe that's truly what she is--a guest in her own home. God, how sad.

For me.

I just want my mommy back.

just want to be the little girl she tells stories to, whose hair she brushes **

every night **

until it shines like polished brass.

Why does life have to be so messed up?

Why can't it just keep marching in **

perfect order?

365.

I Was Supposed To be asleep last night when Mom blew in through the door, an unsubtle wind.

I wanted to run to her, throw my arms around her, snow kisses all over her face.

But something told me to crack open my door, sit beside it in the dark, silent.

To listen, no more than a hint of the child she loved once upon a time, so long ago.

Then, she would never leave me or Raeanne.

My sister and I would sit in the dark, like **

this, only together. We'd sit very close, listening in to our parents' discussions.

Then, Daddy would often ask to go away with Mom, who refused to leave us **