I don't dare let him go.

But how do I keep him without losing me?

Who knew love could be such an enigma?

229.

Raeanne Life Is Rarely Dull At the Gardella house.

Kaeleigh was late for school this morning. Now you might not think that should be a big problem, especially considering she had what for most would be a good excuse. But that's not how things work around here. See, one of Daddy's friends happened to drive by the tow truck scene and notice Kaeleigh. A different person might have shrugged it off completely. Not Hannah, a nursing student who lives down the block. I cannot for the life of me understand why she felt t he need to call Daddy, but she did. No surprise it made him mad.

But who knew he could be so unreasonable over such an innocent faux pas?

230.

Kaeleigh Came Home from School Not particularly worried about the tardy.

Neither Daddy nor Mom (on those rare occasions she's around to peruse progress reports) pays particular notice to stuff sent home from school. Besides, it was Kaeleigh's first tardy. Ever. No big deal.

Not, that is, until she played Daddy's message, left both on her cell phone and on the answering machine at home.

I.

heard you missed school today in favor of taking a little joyride with a few friends.

I'm surprised at you. Surprised, and **

disappointed. I'd better see you at home when I get there. You have some explaining to do.

And then you have to decide what your punishment will be. Make no mistake.

You will be punished. When I ask what you think is fair, I hope you have an answer.

By the time he was finished, she was shaking.

I tried to tell her not to worry, that he'd cool off before he got here. But she went to work scared. And she came home from work scared.

Daddy still hasn't arrived yet, so she goes straight to the kitchen in search of consolation.

231.

One of Kaeleigh's Regular Binges Is gross. Disgusting. I watch her and I want to puke. (And often do.) But this one is unlike the others I've had the misfortune of seeing.

She doesn't care what goes into her mouth, as long as it resembles food.

"Stop," I beg. "Stuffing yourself can't save you from whatever it is you imagine he's going to do. Please, Kaeleigh."

But she keeps on shoving stuff into her mouth.

Can't eat dinner tonight.

He won't let me, and you know it.

Maybe she's right. But I can't watch this self-destruction a minute longer.

232.

The Worst Part Is She does have something to worry about. So I'll just have to help her out. I slip into Daddy's bathroom, **

and this time when I "borrow" his Oxy, it's not for me. Okay, one is for me.

The other three are for Daddy.

I can't slip all three into a single drink or he'd taste it for sure. This will be a seduction. One I know he can't refuse.

He finally roars in, and I've already mixed him a highball, long on Turkey, short on Oxy. That will change **

as the evening progresses. He gives me a look but takes the drink anyway.

Thanks. I need this.

Thank God he gulps it down before turning on Kaeleigh.

Well?

I rush to refill his empty glass, **

not 100 percent sure why I'm trying to save Kaeleigh, who refuses to save herself.

233.

I hand Daddy the Oxy-tainted highball glass as Kaeleigh answers, I.

didn't mean to be late, Daddy.

She doesn't dare look him in the eye.

It's just that Brittany's car got a flat, and we had to wait for the tow....

Daddy pounces.

I never gave you permission to ride to school with anyone named Brittany, did I?

Her eyes are like lasers, beaming the floor tiles.

No, Daddy ...She rushes on, But she just got her license, and...

No, Kaeleigh! Too late. Damage done. Daddy raises his voice.

Just got her license? Are you **

plain stupid? Do you want to die?

The rest is implicit: Don't you remember a certain infamous day?

Kaeleigh crumbles. Her face, only moments ago binge-florid, blanches.

Oh Daddy, I'm sorry.

234.

She threatens to collapse, and I whisper in her ear. "Stay strong, or you know what he'll do."

Tension begins to melt from Daddy as the painkiller starts to kick in.

Fix me something **

to eat and we'll discuss this further.

As he speaks, his voice sputters a little, slurs.

O-ok-ay?

Sure, Daddy.

Kaeleigh rushes to the refrigerator.

What are you in the mood for?

Daddy sucks down his drink.

L-loaded question.

He crosses the floor quickly, much faster **

than I'd thought him capable of, half falls against Kaeleigh, who's leaning into the fridge.

I smile. Whatever he had in mind, punishment or "reward," it will not come tonight.

235.

They Extricate Themselves From the refrigerator.

Kaeleigh microwaves some leftover stew.

I watch the two of them stuff their faces, fix Daddy one last drink.

Between the rich food, stiff Turkey, and three OxyContin, he'll be fast asleep in a few minutes.

Most of the evening's drama behind us. I slip off to the bathroom. Kaeleigh's disgusting food binge made me want to purge.

It's more than a habit.

It's a need. Experts even call it a disease. However you classify it, though, it's not about body image.

At least not for me. For me, it's all about maintaining a modicum of control, especially when everything goes completely ape-shit.

236.

Most People Hate to vomit.

Can't stand the protest of an upset stomach, the heave of bile and undigested food, the carve of acid in the esophagus.

Okay, I don't like that part much myself. But I do like the cool of porcelain on my face, the solid of tile beneath my butt.

Most of all, I like my belly emptied, even temporarily, of food.

Of fat.

Of pain.