263 I couldnt win against caffeine

Ahh!? Where is this? Who am I?

Hrm? No, seriously, where is this? Theres this rather sudden break in my memory though, so what happened? Or rather, I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like Im going to vomit, yet I cant. Its like, between my stomach and my mouth is the origin of the horrible feelings that are swirling around, coming and going. My body also seems quite sluggish, and Ive got this pounding headache as well. Since becoming a god this is the first time that my physical condition has gotten this bad.

This is dangerous, so for now I perform an emergency check on whether theres any risk to my life. While my physical condition has never been worse, my life is not at risk. Although that does bring a sense of relief, since I dont know what actually caused this condition, I cant become truly relived. I download the memories from my clones, attempting to search for the gaps in the main bodys memory to figure out what happened.

It appears, that it was almost immediately after I drank coffee that I went strange. Da heck? Since its something that D drank its possible that there was something dubious in it. But when I check the diagnostics information from when the main body collapsed and the clones attempted to performed recovery, theres no real trace of any strange substances within my body. The cause of my bad condition is caffeine?

Da heck? Caffeine is, that caffeine, right? Something that is normally contained within coffee and similar. This is what caused my condition to become so bad that I collapsed in a heap? Eh, seriously, why?

Though I understand the cause, the uncertain situation has become even more confusing. For now, what I know is that it appears that my constitution cannot handle caffeine. When my clones attempted to decompose the caffeine, their condition became bad instead, so it can be considered to be quite fundamental. The substance that cannot even be decomposed with the power of god caffeine. How terrifying. I dont understand humans who just chug this stuff down. I had thought I had gotten used to eating poison, but there was still an unexpected pitfall out there.

Siiigh. For now, Ill laze around here until my physical condition improves. Though the clones had been configured so that if the main body collapses itll be tossed into another dimension after a while, their quick judgement was excellent work. If my body had been left defenceless there like that, who knows just what would have happened to it. Well, even if it was attacked or something, that probably wouldnt lead to a situation where I would die though. Even if my main body was killed, I wouldnt actually die.

No, self-conceit is no good. After all, mere caffeine was almost enough to kill me even. Mere caffeine. Plain ordinary caffeine.

In practice, Im not so fragile that its possible for someone within the System to be able to kill me, is what I think, but its not absolutely the case that I cant be killed. Its kinda like a battle between an ant and an elephant. If they fight normally, then there wouldnt be any contest. However, what if the ant got into the elephants ear? Maybe itd then be possible that the elephant could die.

I can say that from experience. If an ordinary human fights me normally theres no reason why they could win. Theres none, but, occasionally those things called miracles do happen. That is how I myself have repeatedly beaten higher ranked opponents after all.

Of course, even if theyre higher ranked, rather than it being due to a miracle, I take pride in winning through with my own power. However, I always ran away from opponents I thought that I could never beat. Like Alaba, like Mother. The higher ranked opponents that I beat, were solely limited to those within touching distance. I never even challenged an opponent I couldnt beat without wishing for a miracle in the first place.

That is how things are now. Having absolutely no chance of winning, it could be said that I ran away from D. By the action of accepting rather than rejecting Ds proposal to become her kin.

My basic policy has always been to give top priority to survival. However, there is a certain little obstinacy attached to that. Due to that obstinacy there is an essential matter over which I am unwilling to negotiate, though I guess thats unavoidable. Since if I yield on that then I wouldnt be me anymore.

My very existence itself, is considerably vague. Originally I was an ordinary spider. Due to Ds whim, that then became an existence prepared as a scapegoat for her. Furthermore, under the assumption that I would die, my memory and everything were made without consideration for the details. Although it wasnt to the extent that I would be conscious of such doubts, my memories of Wakaba Hiiro are flawed you know. Even though I believed that I had parents, I cant recall their faces at all, for example. But despite having such flawed memories, I didnt feel any doubt. Because D manipulated things so that I wouldnt feel that way.

To say it again, I genuinely feel that I can only be myself. My past memories are a sham, and cannot serve as a foundation for myself. Even the status values and skills that I cultivated within this world, are merely power within the framework of the System created by Ds hand.

Once I was able to free myself from that System, I had thought that I would be able to become free. Liberated from a troublesome world, with my life no longer at constant risk, I had believed that I would be able to live a quiet and comfortable life. Looking at the results, as usual there is always someone better than you, and at the end of the day all thats happened is that I have this rather unchanging world. Unable to defy the absolute being known as D, Im living the life of a gopher who has to watch over the fate of this world. On top of that, the foundation of my own existence was overturned, delivering the shocking truth.

I cant take it any more. The human who I had thought that I was, actually was a complete stranger with absolutely no relation to the original me after all. On top of that, my original memory is basically equivalent to nothing. The existence known as me, might as well have been born in the place known as the Elro Great Labyrinth, raising a babys first cry for the first time after breaking open its eggshell, basically. Thats just how much I am in the palm of Ds hand.

I was born to be a convenient sacrificial pawn for D. However, I betrayed that assumption and survived. Having amused D, this time Im being allowed to live. Theres no place for my own desires. Its all for Ds convenience.

Just about everything about the existence known as me, is connected with D. Having her eye on me for becoming her kin, just means that the connection between us can now never be broken no matter how I try. Looking at it that way, maybe D is basically like my parent. However, being born under the assumption that I would die, thats way beyond mere child neglect there buddy.

Perhaps when all is said and done, Im currently like a child in a rebellious phase huh. While keeping it below the level where it could offend D, Ill take the maximum possible actions that go counter to her expectations. I dont want to be called petty though. What Im doing is accompanying the greatest individual project in the whole world you know.

Ahh! This aint good. I suspect that because I feel bad that my thoughts are going in a negative direction. Well, rather than suspect, theyve completely declining.

Normally Id never be thinking such things. Normally Id obviously be like I am what I am so Ill do whatever I want!

However, no matter what, I just end up having such thoughts. Like, for what reason I am living I wonder.

Even if I say so for myself, I think Im saying some pretty immature stuff. I think so, but having been created under the assumption that I would die and being an existence where everything was fabricated I do wonder whats the meaning of my life? I just dont know. I live because I want to live. I think thats enough, but on the other hand that thought just wont go away from my mind at all. Having gained a human shape, has my heart also become closer to being human maybe?

Argh, stop stop! Im definitely thinking all these wishy-washy things because my physical condition is bad. When my physical condition returns Ill return back to normal. So until then Ill just go to bed in a huff. Yeah, lets do that.