'Oh, it's been fine,' she replied. 'It's been quite fine.'

She resumed her work with a degree of concentration that showed she was aware that I had something important I wanted to talk about.

'Mummy, there's something I want to ask your opinion about,' I began.

She stopped pretending to concentrate on her work and transferred her full attention to my face.

'I've been thinking,' I continued.

Yes, I had. Since the solutions to my problems were clearly not going to be divine, I had racked my brain until I struck upon a man-made idea.

'I've been thinking of moving away from home. I'll stand a better chance of getting a job if I went away from Umuahia.'

'Ah, ah? But is it not the same newspapers that you'll have to apply through to get a job whether you're in Umuahia or not? All the oil companies put their vacancies in the national newspapers.'

'That's what I've been thinking. Maybe I should start applying elsewhere apart from the oil companies.'

'Elsewhere like where?'

I understood her apprehension. Her first son was a chemical engineer, and that was what she wanted him to remain. But now I was ready to lower my standards. Most of the New Generation banks were willing to hire anybody who could pass their aptitude tests. They did not seem to mind whether your degree was in Carpentry or Fisheries or Hairdressing. All they wanted was someone who could speak English, who could add, subtract, and multiply.

'I'm thinking of maybe a bank.'

'Are there not banks here?'

'There are more opportunities outside here,' I replied.

After all was said and done, Umuahia was still one of the Third World towns in Nigeria. The same bank that would have just one branch in Umuahia, for example, could have thirty in bustling cities like Lagos. Plus, larger cities presented more diverse opportunities for work even if it meant that I would have to trudge the streets and seek employment in any other field.

My mother considered this.

'But where are you planning to stay? You can't afford a place of your own and you can't be sure how long you'll be looking for work.' She paused. 'The only person I can think of is Dimma. Which is good because then you'll be closer to the oil companies when they invite you for interviews.'

I knew that Aunty Dimma would be very pleased to have me at her place in Port Harcourt for however long I chose to stay, but I had other ideas.

'How about Uncle Boniface?' I asked.

My mother laughed and looked at me as if I was trying to convince her that G is for Jesus.

'Mummy, seriously. I think Lagos is the best option. I'm sure I'll get a job quickly. I hear people like Arthur Andersen will give you an interview once they see that you made an exceptional result.'

Uncle Boniface lived not too far away from us, in Aba, but he owned a house in faraway FESTAC Town, Lagos, where his wife and children lived. He probably would not mind my lodging with them, especially since he owed my family a social debt. The youngest of my mother's siblings, Uncle Boniface was the illegitimate son that my late grandfather had fathered by some non-Igbo floozy from Rivers State. Out of anger, my mother's family had refused to acknowledge Uncle Boniface as part of them. And with his failing health, my grandfather had found it difficult to cope. The family made a communal decision. Uncle Boniface moved in with us. Over the years, we had several of these relatives coming and going, but Uncle Boniface's stay was particularly memorable.

A few weeks after he moved in and started attending a nearby secondary school, he drew me aside into the kitchen and whispered into my ears.

'Kings,' he said, 'I've noticed that you have a very good handwriting.'

I accepted the compliment with a smile. He looked over his shoulders and lowered his voice some more.

'Do you know how to write letters?'

'Yes,' I replied, with the confidence of the best English student in his class.

My uncle nodded with satisfaction.

'Kings, I need you to do me a favour. I want you to help me write a letter.'

Such a task was mere bread to me.

Later that night, after the whole family had gone to bed, he summoned me from the children's bedroom. We sneaked into the kitchen, and he turned on the light and started whispering.

'Look,' he said, pulling out a scrunched-up sheet from the pocket of his shorts and unfolding it hurriedly, 'copy this for me in your handwriting.'

I recognised the ugly, bulbous squiggles that were the signature handwriting of the rural classes and the poorly educated. With some slight alterations, this could have been the handwriting of any one of the different people who had come to live with us from the village. I read the first few sentences. None of it made any sense.

'Look at you,' he jeered, planting a biro in my hands. 'Mind you, the person I copied this from is the best student in our class. He wrote it for his own girlfriend.'

My face did not change.

'These are big boy matters. Don't worry, one day you'll understand. Just copy it for me.'

He tore out a fresh sheet from the exercise book he was holding and gave it to me. I placed the paper on one of the kitchen worktops and went to work.

My dearest, sweetest, most magnificent, paragon of beauty a.k.a. Ijeoma, I hope this letter finds you in a current state of sound body and mind. My principal reason for writing this epistle is to gravitate your mind towards an issue that has been troubling my soul. Even as I put pen to paper, my adrenalin is ascending on the Richter scale, my temperature is rising, the mirror in my eyes have only your divine reflection, the wind vane of my mind is pointing North, South and East at the same time. Indeed, when I sleep, you are the only thought in my medulla oblongata and I dream about you. I was in a trance where I went out to sea and saw you surrounded by H2O. In your majesty, you rose from the abdomen of the deep. The spectacle took my breath away.

I want to rise at dawn and see only your face. I want you to be the only sugar in my tea, the only fly in my ointment, the butter on my bread, the grey matter of my brain, the planet of my universe, the conveyor belt of my soul. I pray that you will realise the gargantuan nature of my predicament. If you decline my noble advances, my life will be like salt that has lost its flavour.

I am this day knocking at the door of your heart. My prayer is that thou shall open so that thy servant may enter. The mark at the bottom of the page is a kiss from me.

I remain your darling, dedicated, devotee,Boniface a.k.a. It's a Matter of Cash In the following days, he asked me to recopy the same letter to Okwudili, to Ugochi, to Stella, to Ngozi, to Rebecca, and to Ifeoma.

Late one afternoon, we were sitting and watching television when Uncle Boniface returned from school and handed a sealed note to my mother. It was from his class mistress. My mother turned away from the screen and tore the note open.

'How can she say you don't have enough exercise books?' she asked. 'Is it not just three weeks ago that I bought some new ones for you?'

She awaited an answer from the scrawny lad standing beside her.

'What happened to all your exercise books?' she demanded.

Uncle Boniface looked at the floor and remained quiet. My father stood up and walked away to his bedroom. He never made any input when she was scolding the helps.

'What have you done with all your exercise books?' she asked again, snatching the bag that was hanging across his shoulder.

Uncle Boniface's face darkened with dread.

My mother opened the bag and brought out his books. Three loose sheets fell out. She picked them up and started reading. With each passing moment, her eyes grew wider.

'What is this?'

She looked up at Uncle Boniface and down at the sheets again. Then she turned to me.

'Kings, what is this?'

I was in the last phase of demolishing a meat pie. My teeth froze when I recognised the exhibit in her hand. My mother dropped the schoolbag on the floor and flung the sheets of paper on the centre table. A chunky piece of pastry got stuck in my throat.

'Kings, when did you start writing love letters?! Tell me. When? How? What is this?!'

I could understand her shock. My mother was not the most devoted of Roman Catholics, but she tried her best. She put her hands over my eyes whenever a man and woman were kissing on television; she asked me to go into my room as soon as she perceived that they were on their way to having sex; she once asked me to shut up and stop talking rubbish when I told her about a girl in my class who was so pretty. I could easily imagine the terrible thoughts that were plaguing her mind about where I picked up the lyrics and the inclination to write a full-fledged love letter.

'Who taught you how to write love letters?' she asked. 'Boniface, what are you doing to my son? Tell me, what is this?'

With each question, she swung her head towards the person to whom it was directed. When neither I nor Uncle Boniface agreed to speak, my mother returned a verdict.

'Kingsley, go and kneel down facing the wall and raise your two hands in the air.'

Eager to show repentance, I rushed to start my punishment.

'Make sure that I don't see your two hands touching,' she shouted after me.

I knelt down by the dining table and obeyed her instructions to the letter. Then I heard her hand slam against Uncle Boniface's head.

'Yeeeee!'

'Oh, you want to start teaching my son how to be useless, eh?'

I heard another slam.

'Arggggh!'

'You want him to be useless like you.'

Another slam. And another and another. Knowing my mother's usual style when dealing with undisciplined house helps, by now she must have had the front of his shirt firmly in her grip.

'Mama Kingsley, pleeeeese!'

'Don't worry,' she replied calmly, but out of breath. 'By the time I've finished with you, you'll have a scar on your body that will remind you never to try spoiling my son again.'

He must have torn himself away from her grip and fled for dear life. She chased him into the kitchen and back out again. I turned briefly and saw that she had upgraded her weapon to a broom. With the dazzling agility of a decathlete, she chased him round the living room and cornered him between the television and my father's chair. She continued trouncing him until my father came out of the bedroom.

'Augustina, it's all right,' he said. 'Don't wear yourself out because of this nincompoop. Leave him alone.'

She abandoned the howling prey by the wall and went into the bedroom with my father. Shortly after, he came out.

'Kingsley,' he called, 'come here.'

I followed. I knew that my mother had narrated the little she knew, and that he was now about to ask me to pack my bags and leave his house. Inside the bedroom, my mother was sitting on the bed, looking as if someone had died.

'How did you end up writing a love letter for Boniface?' my father asked.

I narrated my very minor part in the fiasco. With each new detail, my father's face became more ferocious and my mother's eyes spread wider and wider.

'Pull down your shorts,' my father said as soon as I finished.

I did. In my mind, I calculated the best place for me to spend the night after my father asked me to pack up. Perhaps I could go to the beautiful grotto in the Saint Finbarr's Church and share the huge shelter with the Blessed Virgin Mary's statue. They had told us in catechism classes that she was the friend of all little children.

My father held my two hands in front of me with his one hand and used my mother's koboko to lash me with his other. I wriggled and screamed. After ten strokes that left me unable to sit upright for days, I was banned from communicating with Uncle Boniface whenever my parents were not around.

All these years later, my father still considered Uncle Boniface a pot of poo. So I could understand my mother's reluctance to broach this subject with him. Still, I persisted.

'Just talk to him about it and see what he says.'

'OK,' she replied. 'I can't promise that it'll be today, though. I'll have to wait for the right time. You know how your daddy is.'

'Yes,' I sighed. I did.

Seven

It was not just one of those days when everything seemed to go awry. That day, the devil must have ridden his Cadillac right across our courtyard and parked in front of our house. While brushing my teeth in the morning, I felt some foreign bodies in my mouth and spat out quickly.

'Kings,' my mother called from behind the bathroom door.

'Yes, Mummy?'

'When you finish, your daddy wants to speak with you.'

'OK.'

'Hurry up. He's getting ready to go out.'

I stared into the sink and observed some bristles from my toothbrush drowning in the white foam. I would have to buy a new toothbrush from my next pocket money.

My father was dressed in grey suit and tie, and sitting straight on their bed. My mother was more relaxed on a pillow behind him. Ever since his retirement, apart from going to the clinic for checkups, he rarely left the house on a weekday morning. But last week, the announcement had been broadcast over and over again on the radio. There was going to be a verification exercise for pensioners.

The government was worried about several ghosts collecting pensions. People who left this world more than twenty years ago were still having monthly funds paid into their accounts, and the government was determined to certify how many people on their books were still breathing. Having the pensioners turn up in person and verified one by one seemed like the best method of confirmation, yet this was the second such exercise the government had conducted in the past fourteen months. Normally, my mother should have been at her shop by now, but whenever my father was going out, she waited so that they could leave the house together.

'Yes, Daddy?' I said.

'Your mummy was telling me that you want to leave Umuahia,' he began.

'Yes, Daddy.'