Fed from her-it hit her then, just what had happened to Kel. Not in the abstract, and not that dim awareness that too often never fully formed. No, this was real, full-on understanding and her head started to spin.

Through the excess of knowledge rippling through her, she felt his body tense, felt him pulling back. Angel narrowed her eyes and wrapped her legs around his hips, hooked an arm over his neck. "Don't."

He shook his head, a panicked look on his face. "Let me go, damn it. I can't... I can't..." "Can't what?" she asked as his voice trailed off and all he did was try again to pull away. Angel tightened her grasp.

"I can't stop!" he snarled.

She blinked, unsure at first what he meant, but the answer was already there, already forming in her mind, thanks to the bond between them. "Kel...you did stop."

He stilled, his big body shuddering, shaking. In a hoarse voice, he rasped, "Just let me go, Angel."

"I've done that once already, Kel. I let you go, watched while an empty box was put in the ground and dirt shoveled over it. I let you go, let it destroy me...and now you're here again. You're back. How can you ask me to let go now?"

His head drooped. He reached up, pulling her arm down and then untangling her legs from his hips. "If you don't, I'll end up destroying you for real. I can't trust myself." He shifted around and sat up on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor.

Angel shoved up, coming after him. Draping her arms around his neck, she pressed her breasts against his naked back and kissed his ear. "I trust you, Kel. You wouldn't hurt me. You didn't hurt me."

He snorted and reached up, touched his fingers to his lips. The sight of the red stain seemed to infuriate him. "I already did," he growled, trying again to pull away from her.

But she wasn't letting go willingly. If he wanted her to let go, he 'd have to make her and he wasn't willing to do that. Wasn't willing to hurt her...and he doubted his control? She could feel the conflict raging inside him, feel the need for her tangle with the need to keep her safe.

"You don't need to keep me safe from you, Kel. You've never been a threat to me. The only thing that could hurt me would be losing you again."

Kel slid her a look and shook his head. "You're wrong." Then he reached up, carefully prying her arms away from him and this time, when she struggled, he ignored her. He was off the bed in less than a second, turning to face her. "You don't know me, Angel. Don't know what I've become. What I've done."

She blinked and momentarily froze. Then fury shot through her. Coming off the bed, she stalked across the room and jabbed him in the chest with her finger. "I don't know you? Kel, I know you better than anybody. Better than everybody. I always have."

A mocking smile curled his lips. "Oh, baby, you have no clue how wrong you are." His gaze slid down to her neck, lingered on the spot that even now seemed to tingle and throb, almost like her body craved to feel that again.

"You just fucked a vampire-let one feed on you like a parasite."

He saw the warning in her eyes, saw it in her body as she tensed, and he could have moved to stop it. He let her hit him though, a solid jab to his jaw. If he'd still been human, it might have knocked him on his ass. Angel had always been strong. That hadn't changed. But all it managed to do was hurt her hand-his body absorbed the minor twinge like water but he could see that her hand was already swelling. Just one more little guilt to pile on him.

Staring at him with haunted eyes, she said, "I just fucked the man I loved. The man I've always loved. I loved you even before I understood what it really was to love anybody but my dad. I loved you when I just a little girl and you were standing there blushing to the roots of your hair, so embarrassed by what I was telling you and even then you couldn't say anything because a part of you felt it, too. You wouldn't have done or said anything to hurt me."

Hell, she could have driven a silver dagger into his heart and it wouldn't have hurt as much as her words...or the look in her eyes.

"Times change, Angel. Neither of us are who we used to be."

"You got that right, Kel. You didn't used to be a coward."

That stung. It had nothing to do with cowardice-it had to do with trying to do what was best for her. She wouldn't see that, though. Maybe she couldn't see it, he acknowledged. She was still so focused on who he used to be, she couldn't see what he'd become. Until she could see that, maybe she just wouldn't be able to get past this, past him.

So instead of trying to explain he wasn't acting out of cowardice, but a need to take care of her, he gave her a mean little smile and flicked the bite mark on her neck. "I didn't use to be a lot of things." Lowering his head, he murmured in her ear, "You really don't know me, Angel. Not anymore. I'm not the man you think you love...I'm not much more than a monster." She jerked away, shaking her head. "I don't believe that."

"Oh, really?" He reached up and cupped her face in his hands, staring down at her. She stared at him with faith, a deep belief in the man she still believed existed. But that man had died long ago, before he'd really even had a chance to become whoever he might have become. It was too late for him. But it didn't have to be too late for her.

He rubbed a thumb over the curve of her lips. "My dad died a month ago. I felt it...knew it had happened, because of you."

Dipping his head, he pressed his lips to her forehead and then trailed them down over her silken skin until he could murmur in her ear, "I knew. Because of you. And while you were up late that night making arrangements, you know what I was doing?"

It wasn't exactly a lie that he forced into her head. The memory he pulled up from his subconscious and forced on her had happened. But it had happened two days before his dad had died. The days after his dad had died found Kel locked up in his rooms and brooding, trying not to slip back into the rut of anger that had been his companion for so long.

His psychic abilities, though, rivaled Angel's now and he had no doubt he could convince her of the truth in his words as he pushed in a memory of one of the last nights he'd spent with Phoebe. He didn't leave any of it out, not the sex, not the way he'd fed from Phoebe until she'd all but blacked out, or the way that the more they hurt each other, the better it was.

Memories of that left him feeling shamed, but he wouldn 't focus on the shame. Wouldn't focus on anything but convincing Angel she was better off without him. Dipping his head, he nuzzled the bite marks on her neck-odd, they seemed to be healing.

Already. Not vamp quick, but certainly quicker than he would have thought.

Doesn't matter...just do it. He licked her neck and then whispered, "While you were crying over Dad, I was fucking a woman I didn't love. Fucking a woman who liked to draw blood while we did it. Every time she made me bleed, it made me feel a little bit more alive. I've spent the past year in her bed doing dirty, wicked things no decent man would do. Tell me, Angel...am I really the man you think you love?"

Angel tore away from him, staring at him with dark, hurt eyes. Her face was pale, ghost white. She shook her head and whispered, "You son of a bitch."

He smirked. "Sugar, you really didn't think I'd spent the past twelve years going without, did you?" He shrugged casually, forced the words out through a tight throat and hoped she couldn't hear the pain behind them. "Vamps need sex almost as much as blood. I gotta do what I gotta do."

She blinked, tears glittering in her eyes. Some of them broke free but she dashed them away. "Tell me something, Kel," she asked, her voice hoarse and shaking. "Did you feel half as alive with any other woman as you felt with me just now?"

But she didn't wait for an answer. She grabbed her clothes and bundled them against her chest, stalking out of the room. In the doorway, she paused. Without looking back at him, she said, "I don't know much about what you are now, I don't know if you have a reflection, don't know if you can't cross running water or what. But you're still a man-no matter what you say. Last night, he was a monster. Whether he intended to become one or not, I don't know, but he was a monster. I know what a monster is."

Finally, she glanced back at him and added, "And I know what a monster isn't. It's a pity you don't."

She left then and when he was alone, Kel's eyes closed. He'd done the right thing... So why didn't it feel like it? He grabbed his clothes, dressing in a hurry. His internal clock told him he had plenty of darkness left, but he had to get out of here, had to get away. He couldn't spend another minute this close to Angel.

If he stayed too close, feeling the echo of her pain even though both of them were desperately shielding against the other, he'd break. He would plead, beg for forgiveness, crawl at her feet, whatever it took.

Even walking out of this house was going to take more than he thought he had in him, but he needed to do it. And he needed to do it now before his resolve crumbled. A thought occurred to him and he wondered if he couldn't just dematerialize. He hadn't done it except for that one time... Shit, just a few days ago. But he had done it. He could do it again, right?

A few minutes later, he had that answer. No. He couldn't do it again. Or at least he couldn't figure out how to do it. And that meant he'd have to walk out.

Angel was sitting on the couch by the front door. The air in the room felt chilly and he stared at the gaping, empty window, watched as the curtains fluttered in the breeze. "You need to get that fixed." She shot him a deadly look but said nothing.

Swearing, he turned away and started for the door. Two steps away, he paused and turned back, looked at her. She was sitting almost exactly as she had been a few hours ago, her knees drawn up to her chest, staring straight ahead as though she saw nothing around her. Even the dog was the same, sitting on the floor with his muzzle pressed against her thigh.

Might have been his imagination, but it seemed like the dog gazed at him with reproach. Even canines were giving him recriminating looks. Toronto's words came back to haunt him and he remembered that blank, empty look on her face, like something inside her had already died.

Does she look even remotely alive to you? She's been dead inside for twelve years, thinking you'd been killed.

He had been dead inside for twelve years. Even the few times when he'd felt some semblance of life, it had just been make- believe. The one time he'd felt alive since his Change had been tonight.

With her.

Her eyes cut to him and she demanded in an icy voice, "What is it? You got a pint of blood." She stroked a finger down her neck and smirked. "Maybe less. And considering the butcher job you just did on my heart, you must have at least a pound of flesh from me, although I'll be damned if I know what in the hell I did to deserve it. I ain't got anything left for you to take."

"Angel..." He couldn't help it. His voice softened and the guilt and grief he worked to keep trapped inside worked his way into his words, into his thoughts and he wasn't foolish enough to try and convince himself that she couldn't feel the change inside him.

She shoved off the couch and faced him. She'd dressed as well, but not completely. The shirt draped over braless breasts, clung to each soft swell, every soft curve. Her tousled hair framed her face, angry flags of color rode high on her cheeks and her eyes all but shot daggers at him. "Save it, sugar. You wanted me to get the point and while I don't think I got the message you were sending, I did get one. Loud and clear. Maybe I don't know you. And now I don't think I want to." Turning on her heel, Angel stalked out of the living room.

The dog gave him another dirty look and then padded out of the room after his mistress.

Chapter Ten.

"You gave up awful easy."

Angel recognized the voice. She wished she didn't. She wished she could forget the past week of her life. Up to and including Kel. It had been exactly seven days since he'd walked out on her. Seven long days. "Easy," she murmured, shaking her head.

Angel didn't even understand the meaning of the word anymore.

She turned her head and stared at Ness-no, Nessa. Toronto called her Nessa. "You know, most people don't come to up to somebody sitting by a grave. It's generally recognized as private time."

The girl turned her head and studied the headstone. "Kel's father, I would guess. You were close."

Angel's mouth twisted in a bitter smile. "After Kel disappeared, his parents were pretty much the only family I had. His mom died a few years later...Jake died last month."

"I'm sorry." She said it softly, but sincerely. Nessa tucked her hair back behind her ears. All the silver rings were gone now.

She didn't have a single pair of earrings on. No makeup either. A pair of baggy jeans, an even baggier T -shirt. Her eyes cut towards Angel and there was a blatant challenge in them. "You did give up too easy."

Shaking her head, Angel said, "I can't make him take something he doesn't want."

"But he does want it. He wants you. He's just afraid. Terrified. He fears he would hurt you. Or perhaps he fears what will happen when years go by, he never ages, but you do. It's a hard thing to live a long, empty life knowing the one you love is naught but dust." A haunted look entered her eyes and she added in a husky voice, "Believe me. I know." It faded as quickly as it had come, replaced by a caustic tone. "But he's young and even if he wasn't, people often don't see the obvious until it's pointed out. He isn't what he once was...but neither are you. Not entirely."

The weird look in Nessa's eyes had Angel shifting uncomfortably. "Twelve years will change a person."

Nessa replied, "One second will change a person. One heartbeat. One moment. That, too, is something I know very well."

She hunkered down in front of Angel and reached out, touched the spot on Angel's neck where Kel had bitten her.

It had healed completely. Not one sign remained. All she had left to remember that one night were her memories...and a busted window she still hadn't replaced. Boards had been nailed over it, but she just didn't care enough to worry about messing with having somebody repair it.

But when Nessa touched her neck, it burned. Throbbed. Almost like it had that night.

"People do change, girl. Some of us more than others. Some of us change in ways we don't even realize."

Angel batted the girl's hand away. "Oh, believe me. I get the fact that he's changed. I get the fact that I've changed."

Nessa smirked. "Child, you haven't got any idea on just how much you've changed-and how very little you haven't."

"Tell me something, does Kel know anybody that doesn't speak in cryptic riddles?"

The smirk on Nessa's face bloomed into an all-out grin. "Well, short, bossy, blonde brats need to have their fun somehow."

Angel cocked a brow. "Nice to know you can recognize your faults."

"Hmmm. Well, I've had a lot of years to learn that skill."

Angel frowned. "You don't look old enough to drink."

The other woman chuckled and shook her head. "And still you can't see it...things are too often more than they appear, Angel. Including me." She sighed and slid Angel a sad smile. "I look like a juvenile delinquent. But that doesn't even touch what I am."

Curiosity got the best of her. "Exactly what are you? Toronto said you were a friend." Angel touched her throat, remembered how just one touch from this girl had taken away her physical pain. Remembered how Nessa had touched Toronto and Kel and the men's injuries had faded away like fog under the sun. "Some kind of... I dunno, witch or something?"

"Witch." Nessa's eyes closed and she smiled. "Aye. Or something? Aye, that, too." She shoved to her feet then and jammed her hands deep into the baggy pockets of her jeans. "Everybody makes choices, Angel. Some aren't the wisest. Some aren't the right ones. But usually, if you act on what is in the heart, you 'll come out okay." She gave Angel an enigmatic smile and then murmured, "Tell me...what is in your heart?"

Then, as Angel sat there trying to find an answer, the girl disappeared.

Into thin air.

What is in your heart?

It wasn't a simple question, and Angel discovered through the rest of the night, it didn't even have just one answer.

She had love in her heart.

She had anger.

She had misery.

She had confusion.

She had doubt.

She had questions.

But above all else, there was love. No matter what Kel said, she did love him. And she didn't love some imaginary man or a boy who had long since grown up. She loved Kel. Twelve years apart, but too much of her had recognized him. So many dreams about him that weren't really dreams, but subconscious echoes of the life he lived. Echoes that showed just how much he hadn't changed.

In the end, the love won out. But the anger was a close second. Decision made, she lay down on the couch and grabbed an hour-long nap. She hadn't been able to sleep in her bed since the night Kel had left and she wouldn't be surprised if she never slept in it again. It seemed like his scent surrounded her and laying down on the bed seemed to make phantom hands course over her flesh.

Washing the sheets didn't help.

Burning the damn mattress probably wouldn't help either.

She had one chance to exorcize her ghosts. One chance. And it wasn't a good chance, either.

But Angel wasn't too concerned with odds. If she didn't at least make the attempt, she'd have the rest of her life to regret it.

She'd make the attempt. And if she failed, then she failed and she would find a way to get on with her life.