It took a couple of tries before Flossie understood the situation. But once she got it, her response was immediate.

You can fook right off. Ah aint fighting no one.

Now hold on, there, said Dudley. You know Colin wouldnt choose you unless he had a plan. Right, Colin? He looked at me with an expression that said, Harm my girl and I will strangle you with your own shitty entrails. Im paraphrasing.

Of course, I said like there was nothing to worry about (spoiler alert: there was a lot to worry about). I turned back to Raviva. So, the weapon of choice will be voices.

Ah, you see. Nobody said it had to be a battle of physical combat. They might have been huge, lumbering sacks of rocks, but how would that help them in a sing-off?

You want to challenge us to a singing competition? said Raviva. I love it! Theres nothing we trolls love more than a good sing-along. They say I was born yodelling as I came out of my mother. Haha! Prepare the arena!

Damn. Rather than be wrong-footed by my surprise choice of weapon, they embraced it.

Large, squared-off boulders were brought in and placed together to form a stage. The trolls formed a semi-circle around it and sat down. I got the impression this wasnt the first time theyd done this.

Are you sure about this? said Claire.

Worse comes to worse, we have to go through their labyrinth, which we would have had to anyway. At least this way we have of chance of making it out alive. Plus, Flossie has a great voice.

Ooh... Ah dont like it, said Flossie. Ah cant sing in front of all these people.

You dont have to. Just sing to Dudley. Right, Dud?

Of course, said Dudley. I love your splendid voice. Ill be right there with you.

What what song should ah sing?

Doesnt matter, I said. Remember, this is a world where lute music is considered cool. Any song from the last twenty years will blow their minds. Just pick something catchy. But no Celine Dion. Were trying to avoid bloodshed.

Still shaky and a bit pale, Flossie made her way to the side of the stage with Dudley. He left her there and sat down at the very front of the audience, not giving a damn he had a huge, hulking troll on either side of him. The rest of us felt less comfortable squeezing our way to the front and remained standing at the back.

Raviva got on the stage to a large round of applause. Trolls clapping sounded like hailstones on a glass roof.

Okay. Its that time again. Remember, its your votes that count, so give it up long and loud for the one you like. Be fair, be honest. No trolling.

There was a smatter of laughter.

First up, our very own Kaceeeeeyton.!

Raviva jumped off the stage as Kaceyton got on to wild applause and cheers. Home crowd advantage, big time.

The crowd quieted and Kaceyton began singing in a deep, gravelly voice DMX would have been proud of.

You wanna crawl in my cave

You can scuffle in my tunnel

Ill break it off

I bust you in half

Cause my fists so fast they go

The trolls responded: BADA BOOM BOOM

And my hips so fast they go

Again the trolls joined in: ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM

When shit is getting heavy

I will split you open

Cast you out

Hammer your hopes

And when you get tired and want a rest

AND FUCK YOU IN THE NECK

The crowd joining in on the last line devolved into roars of approval. I thought there was going to be a cave in.

Oooookay, then. Kind of aggressive lyrics for a singing competition, but for all I knew that passed for a love ballad around here.

Once the riot had quelled to a minor commotion, Flossie meekly took to the stage. She looked tiny and alone. In short, petrified.

Dudley started clapping. You can do it!

We joined in, shouting out words of encouragement.

Flossies first words were lost in a cough. She cleared her throat and started again. Her voice was very quiet and a bit wobbly. And not in English.

Najin tasaro inga jogin yoja

By the time she got to:

Hey, sexy lady

And yeah I like to fuck, I got a fuckin problem

I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

Bring your girls to the crib maybe we can solve iiiiiiiiit

I didnt recognise the lyrics, but there was a strange hypnotic rhythm to them.

I love bad bitches, that's my fuckin problem

If anyones wondering, the song Flossie sings at the end is Fuckin Problems by A$AP Rocky, although the version she sings is the cover by Xavier Dunn which you can hear here.