How Doth the Simple Spelling Bee.

by Owen Wister.

_How doth the Simple Spelling-bee Impruv each shining ower._

Of course, I know not how it may be with you; but with me the mail brings daily a mult.i.tude of communications that I have not sought, and do not want; nor do I refer to bills alone; and so, when there came one day a printed card saying:--

Why Heifer?

I tossed it into my waste-paper basket, and remembered it no more. Some days had pa.s.sed, during which I had worked onward at the index of my forthcoming volume, when my memory was jogged by the arrival of a new absurdity:--

Why not Heffer?

Like its predecessor, this card went at once into my basket. I had nearly finished the B's in my index before the mail brought the following:--

It ought to be your custom now To simplify, and spell plough plow; Therefore write quickly on your cuff From this day forth to spell tough tuff.

A third must follow these first tu, So you will always spell through thru, Nor in the midst of things leave off, But joyfully now make cough coff.

By this time you must clearly noa Dough can't be doe, do, dow, but doa.

Well, if they purposed to reform our spelling, which has always been a mere rag-bag of lawlessness, I hoped that they would do it right; but I was too deeply immersed in completing the index of my forthcoming volume to spend thought upon this question; nor did I court interruption. My waste-paper basket, therefore, received another willing contribution.

And when presently the clue to these cards reached me in the following telegraphic message, just at the outset of my morning's work:--

CHICKLE UNIVERSITY, Arkansopolis, October 6, 1906.

English spelling rotten to the core. Help us.

MASTICATOR B. FELLOWS.

I responded, not without satire:--

Utterly prostrated by news. Helpless.

THOMAS GREENBERRY.

And thinking that thus I was rid of him, I proceeded quietly with the index of my forthcoming volume.

But Masticator B. Fellows, president and proprietor of Chickle University, had not done with me so easily. Since his street-boyhood, sixty years ago, this ardent personality ('tis thus the daily press describes him) had made his own way, and had his own way; he was his own capital, and there is no record of his ever having sunk a cent of it. Of habits strictly pure, he had never seen a card or a drop of liquor that he had touched, and he had never seen a dollar that he had not touched. He had organized every industry along his path, from paper-selling, boot-blacking, and so upward to his organized lobby at Washington, through which he had caused a heavy tariff to be put upon every commodity necessary to the American people. It was he who had advised his brother organizers to keep Religion on the free list, because, as he a.s.sured them, "if we tax it, they'll do without it, while if we don't, they'll trust us for a while yet." And now, at the age of seventy-five, with uncounted millions, and ten United States Senators, and a fourth young wife all in his pocket, he proposed to hand his name to Immortality by simplifying the spelling of English all over the earth. Well, let him do it if he would only do it right.

But this he must do without my a.s.sistance; there were other professors, many of them. I did not permit the circulars that now began to pour in from Chickle University to distract me from my index. Striking as these circulars were--and I will instance but one of them:--

Judge, budge, ridge, acknowledge ARE SLOW Call in and try our Quick Spelling Juj. Buj. Rij. Aknolej--

they went into the basket one after another. To this method of suggestion a second was soon added, and my coat-pockets, as well as my mail, began to be filled with spelling literature. I would go out for a walk, and during this exercise some paper or pamphlet would be slipped into the coat, which I would discover upon my return. I remember pulling out a little book of verse, beginning:--

I am only a primer to teach you to spel, Which is something that n.o.body does very wel.

A sweet little primer, A dear little primer, Sing hel, bel, tel, fel, sel, nel, quel, swel and smel.

I felt, let me confess it, annoyed the next day on returning from my walk to find a new method of suggestion, in great charcoal letters, on the white marble of my house-front:--

Such nuisances as Solemn Comptroller and Wednesday are preventing THE KING OF SIAM from learning English

Nor was my annoyance decreased by the further announcement that defaced my house-front upon the day following:--

MILLIONS OF SCHOOL CHILDREN turn away weeping from PEOPLE MANUOEVRE DIAPHRAGM

Much should be conceded to the man who is fighting for his Immortality, as was Masticator; but not too much. And displeasure, it may fairly be said, began to rise in me, when I found, next morning, a page of the primer introduced in the midst of my index:--

Of the bad English spelling you'll surely beware, When you notice how stair, pear and heir rhyme with there; The sad English spelling, The mad English spelling, Sing hi! for the mare and the mayor and the prayer.

Next consider, for instance, a word like enhea.r.s.ed: Now what business has it to be rhyming with first?

Sing hi! the old spelling, The horrible spelling, The spelling of nursed and of versed and of worst.

But our simplified speling can cure every il, And permits nothing foolish like two l's in pil.

Sing hi! the new speling, Our comforting speling, Sing pil, bil, fil, wil, til, sil, quil, spil.

Yes, Masticator was going too far--and how had he managed to tamper with my index? I rang the bell, and questioned my man Edward sharply. He knew nothing of it, nor did the housemaid, whom I also questioned sharply. And I trusted I should be less hara.s.sed on the morrow.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Flung the cakes at my man Edward.]

But on the morrow, at breakfast, lifting with my fork the top buckwheat cake in order to spread b.u.t.ter upon the second, I found a leaflet between the two cakes, inscribed:--

Phthisis How can you eat while a word like that is allowed?

I flung the cakes at my man Edward, and in five minutes I had dismissed every servant in the house. Quite unable to work, I left the house myself, and set out to take the air. No; Masticator was not doing it right; he was taking too many sudden liberties, not only with the language, but with myself. Becoming gradually aware that a number of young persons were following me with loud and disconcerting expressions, I stepped into a shop where I am unknown, and where they at once offered to brush off my back. A double mirror showed me these words, chalked plainly:--

He wants a P in Consumtion

Being now without servants, I decided that I should be free from persecution in the luxurious wilderness of a great hotel. Upon getting into bed in my room in the twelfth story, a dreadful contact caused me to leap to the floor, where my foot dashed down upon some similar dreadfulness, and the shock threw me flat on my face and stomach, only to feel myself instantly plastered with more of the same odious and encasing substance. I believe that I shouted loudly in the dark for some time before hotel employees rushed to my succor; the door was burst open and the light turned on. It was fly-paper; and much time was consumed in relieving my person of it. Every piece bore its motto, such as:--

If you'll but drop the e in pi Better on stomach pi will li.

and also:--

The b in lam 's not worth a dam--

and others.

As early as possible the next morning I sent a message of capitulation to Masticator B. Fellows.

What can I do for you?

was the message; and the reply came back:--

Delighted you are with us.

Private car train twenty-one to-day.

The secretary of Masticator was at the steps of the car and presented me at once to a most lovely girl. At the news she was to serve on the Simplified Spelling Committee with me, my heart bounded, every doubt left me, and I exclaimed:--

"I will spell just as you say."