"Yeah, April made him get rid of it. She's going to sew a white slipcover for me when she gets back from her honeymoon. And I got the coffee table at a garage sale and painted it."

I looked at the tiny single bed. Clearly, she wasn't getting any action in that bed unless she was dating midgets or contortionists. She saw me staring and blushed a bit.

"It's my old bed from home. It's not like I could fit a bigger bed, and that one is fine-for my needs."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm not going to be dating or, you know, anything else." It was funny how Kelly could be so uninhibited in bed and yet unable to mention sex in conversation.

A fat tabby cat appeared from under the bed and rubbed up against my legs. I bent down to pet him.

"Hey, Gino." I looked up, and Kelly was beaming at me. I couldn't help smiling in return. "You got your cat back?"

"Yeah, he wasn't too impressed. He was staying in cat paradise. Martha had cat perches everywhere, a cat water fountain, and zillions of cat toys. I suspect she's also a catnip dealer." She rubbed Gino's back. "But I love him-which has to count for something, right, sweetie?"

It would for me. Now that my mind was clear, I could see her better. Kelly was in pain, and that broke open something in me.

"Did you want a drink or something to eat?"

"Sure, a water would be great."

She got us both glasses of ice water and sat down on her bed. Gino immediately jumped into her lap and started purring. He wasn't that unhappy here.

I reached over and took Kelly's hand.

"Thank you for everything, Kel. You've been great."

She shook her head. "I haven't done anything. I'll keep visiting for sure. If that's what Greta wants."

"I'm sure she does. I can bring you when I drive out there."

"I think she was happy to see you going out and having fun."

"Then you'll need to keep planning fun things for us to do."

"Oh, playing the sick mother card, are we?" She laughed, but like everything about her, the laugh wasn't quite right. She was marked by unhappiness. Most people wouldn't notice, but I knew her so well.

"Kelly, now that I don't have to worry about my mom as much, I can think about us."

She pulled her hand out of mine. "Phil, wait. I am not anywhere ready to date. I'm still kind of an emotional basket case."

"Hey, I'm not blind. But I'm not going to play games with you. I want us to go out, but I'm willing to hang out until you're ready." Like I did before. I was willing to wait for Kelly because she was so special to me.

Kelly let out a big sigh. "Who knows when I'll be ready?"

"We've been having fun, right? We'll keep on doing active stuff, that's all for now."

"Phil, it doesn't seem fair to you. It could be months."

"Can I say one thing? You've been incredibly generous this week, to me and my mom."

She ducked her head. "It's not a big deal, anyone would do it."

"It's not a one-way street. You need to accept help too. Now that I'm feeling better, I want to give that to you."

Kelly shook her head. "I'm fine. I've got a great job and a nice place to live." She rubbed Gino's belly. "And a cat. I'm all set to be a single woman."

But she wasn't fine. She was like a watercolour version of Kelly. She didn't have the same snap and energy-she was almost delicate. What struck me most was how her sunny optimism was gone, like she realized that life could kick your ass and now she expected the worst. All thanks to Frechette.

Yet at the same time, there was a vulnerability about her now that wasn't there before. She was always so fiercely independent and almost prickly about letting people in. Needing help made her more attractive. It wasn't that I wanted to rescue her, as Emily had suggested; only that I wanted to support Kelly. For so long, I waited helplessly while I knew something was wrong, and now I could actually do something. The real Kelly was fearless, goofy, enthusiastic, pretty much the opposite of how she was now.

"You've told me before that you don't like it when I manipulate you. So, I'm trying to change. I could hang around and pretend we're just friends in the hopes that you'll eventually give in-" I held her hand again. "To our incredible sexual attraction."

Kelly laughed and shook her head. Was the heat I felt only one-sided?

I continued, "But I'm not going to do that. I'll respect whatever boundaries you want to put in place, but I'm being completely honest with you. I want to be your boyfriend-for real."

She closed her eyes and a deep, soundless shudder went through her body.

"I feel like I need to be alone. To find out who I really am."

"Kelly, in other circumstances, I'd agree with you. But April's just gotten married, and your parents are away for the rest of the year. You're way too alone already. We had a lot of fun this week, right?"

She nodded. I clasped her hand in both of mine and caressed it.

"Then why not hang out?"

A number of expressions ran over her face. Mainly she looked scared, but then determined. "Maybe you're right. Why shouldn't we do stuff? Once you go back to work, we'll be lucky to get together twice a week."

Nope. This time I was prioritizing what was really important to me. I'd go into work at 5:00am if it meant spending more time with Kelly. "Great. Want to go out for dinner now?"

"Sure, but someplace cheap. Actually, there's a Vietnamese place that's not far. We could walk there, and I could do a little grocery shopping on the way."

At dinner, Kelly ordered a big bowl of pho with seafood, and I had the same. Once we started eating, she seemed to perk up.

"Man, I missed places like this when I was in Chicago. We went out to all these expensive steakhouses and the portions were enormous. Maddy and I used to split one order."

"Maddy?"

"Yeah, she was my best friend. Her boyfriend is Ian MacEwan. I don't talk to anyone anymore. I think it's just better to make a clean break."

"Was it awkward when the team was in Vancouver?" The Blackhawks had defeated the Canucks during the second round of the playoffs, and I wondered if Frechette had tried to call her or get back together.

She scowled. "Only awkward in that I had to go to work and see his face larger than life on every frigging television in the place. They're lucky I didn't throw something through the screen." Then she smiled. "Of course, once they won, everyone in town hated him too. That was nice."

She seemed to be harbouring a ton of hostility. "Did you want to talk about all this shit? You know, get it off your chest." Then I made the mistake of looking down at her chest. Under her denim shirt, I could remember exactly what Kelly looked like naked.

"No. Reliving what happened is the last thing I want to do."

"Okay. How's work going?"

"It's fantastic." She brightened up immediately. "I have an amazing boss. Right now I'm working in the sales department. I bribe my way into client presentations by doing everyone's expense reports."

"That doesn't sound right," I said.

"Silly Phil. Once you hand over your expense reports, I own you. I know exactly what the guys have been doing-where and when and if they're legitimately working. I learnt that back in my radio days."

I laughed. Working Kelly seemed a lot tougher than I expected.

"At least you're getting paid. I know a few interns who are working for free."

"I'm lucky. It's a great job and the salary isn't terrible."

"Maybe you could afford a new apartment."

"And leave my beloved dungeon? Besides, I racked up a few debts, and I need to save up."

"You've changed a lot," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"You've grown up a lot. It's strange, I've known you for so long and now I feel like I need to get to know you all over again."

She shrugged. "Essentially, I'm still the same person. I'm not as childish and naive."

I reached across and held her hand. She twitched once, but left her hand there. "Childlike is good though. Don't lose that."

She smiled at me. Things between us would take time, but I was cautiously optimistic.

45.

Holding Pattern

Phil

"Hey Phil, come on in," Ben held the door open and took a quick look behind me. Their townhouse was always spotless, and now it was full of delicious dinner smells. "Great to see you. How's everything?"

"Good, things are getting under control at work these days, so it's not quite as crazy." I was getting the occasional weekend off which was great.

"Yeah, I've driven by the site a few times. Looks good."

April appeared and gave me a hug. "Where's Kelly?"

"She got caught in traffic on the way back from Whistler, so she'll get here as soon as she can."

"Whistler? What's she doing up there?" Ben wondered.

"Canucks rookie training camp."

We all went to the kitchen. Ben passed me a beer while April chopped parsley. I could see an elaborate dinner was all set to go. Marriage had changed both of them-for the better. Ben had always been confident in his school and work life, but now he had a personal self-assurance as well. He had landed the girl of his dreams, and that had made him very happy. And April, who could sometimes be a little competitive and bossy, seemed more relaxed now. I suspected that it was the security of Ben's love and his family wealth. I had always liked both of them, but these days their place seemed to be my second home. The fact that Kelly loved coming over helped as well.

"Well, this is a perfect opportunity to talk to you alone-about your relationship," April declared.

I groaned and Ben made some warning noises, but April looked determined. "How is everything going between the two of you?"

"Is it asking too much to decompress from work before the personal inquisition?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "Because Kelly could be here anytime, and I'm worried about her. I thought once you two started dating that she'd snap out of her-" April paused and frowned at me. "I don't even know what to call it. It's not like she's depressed or anything. She's just not herself. She was always so positive and energetic, and now she seems muted. Not unhappy, but not happy either."

I nodded. It was something I thought about every day. We'd been going out for four months. We did normal dating things, but we weren't having sex yet or even making out too much. She seemed so fragile that I didn't want to push her. I knew she was working really hard, and I was glad she had a good job. But it wasn't that hard to balance a normal social life too.

April was still watching me. "And you're not that ecstatic either, despite the fact that you've finally landed your dream girl. I hope Kelly was kidding when she commented that waiting until marriage worked out so well for Ben and me."

I almost spit out my beer. Kelly was such a commitment-phobe that waiting for marriage could take years. I didn't think I could go years without sex, especially since I found Kelly so attractive.

Now April had a knowing smile on her face. "Aha! I suspected that sex was the problem. Both of you have the most self-satisfied expressions when you're going at it hot and heavy."

"It's not about sex," I protested. "It's about trust. Kelly doesn't seem to be able to relax and be in a relationship."

"I know. She's not the same, and I blame that stupid hockey player. He's a liar and a cheater, and I wish I could get five minutes alone with him. With a hockey stick!" She growled in exasperation. Having a few minutes alone with the asshole was high on my fantasy list as well.

Ben sighed and went out to start the barbeque. It was clearly something that April had talked about before.

"It's been long enough," April declared. "There's a break-up recovery formula you know. One month for every year you've gone out. They didn't even go out for a year, and it's been over four months since she came back."

"Kelly feels things more intensely than other people. She's more trusting."