"Is it wrong to want to protect you? You're so beautiful and trusting, I can't help but worry. Please, I'll hang around your school to make sure you're okay if I can't reach you any other way."

She scowled at me. "You are exactly the obsessive type of person to do that. If I tell you where I'm staying, will you promise not to try to see me or contact me?"

I shook my head. "We have to talk. You need time, and then you'll change your mind."

"Okay. How about you leave me alone, or I go to some crappy online hockey blogger and tell him the whole story of how my ex-boyfriend, upstanding captain of the Blackhawks, had a three-way with the top rookie on his team? And some chick."

Shocked, I let go of her. Kelly wouldn't really do that, would she? Anyway, she didn't have any proof.

She was watching me with narrowed eyes. "Is that a deal? Don't call me. Don't try to see me. Don't write to me. Nothing. I never want to hear from you again."

Then she walked away. I slid down the wall onto the smooth wood floor. I could hear her getting her hockey bag from the storage space. I could hear her firm footsteps walking down the hallway, then through the front door, and out of my life forever.

39.

Fragile Dreams

I made up my mind on the plane trip to Vancouver. I wasn't going home as a broken-hearted loser. I was going back as someone a little older and wiser about life. I went to Chicago to get a diploma in broadcasting, and I was back. Now, I could apply for that internship I wanted.

Because when you looked back on the past eight months-was it only eight months?-most of the time, things were pretty good. I lived in a beautiful condo, I got to know an incredible city, and I made a bunch of new friends. Not that I would ever see any of them again, but whatever.

I was lucky that I didn't cry easily. I needed that toughness now. I was going home-not that I even had family home right now-but back to Vancouver.

Maybe I should have left earlier, when Jimmy first started chipping away at my ego and confidence. But my whole life, nothing was ever easy for me. I was never the smartest or the most talented or the prettiest, I was only the one who worked hard and took the crap and kept going. And eventually things worked out. So I kept my head down and tried to become the woman he wanted, thus losing myself in the process.

I had managed to graduate from broadcasting college by staying with Renee for two weeks. I shipped my stuff home and then hopped on a plane myself.

And I paid for all of this by reselling the Tiffany necklace that was my birthday gift. When I got to Renee's place, she spotted the necklace and informed me it was worth about four grand. Ironically, had I known it was that valuable, I never would have kept it. However, given that I wasn't speaking to Jimmy anymore, and I needed money-the solution to my financial problems was as close as the pawnbrokers. I still wanted to repay Jimmy for the tuition, but I couldn't get my hands on $8000 right at this moment. I couldn't even get my hands on $80.

"Kelly!" April had come to pick me up at the airport. She wrapped her arms tightly around me and squeezed. For a moment I wanted to let down my defences and start weeping in the airport. Instead, I stuck with my resolution to be strong.

"Thanks for coming to get me," I told her. "You're such a good friend."

"No problem. I've already arranged a place for you to live temporarily," she informed me. April had a new roommate now, so I couldn't stay with her for more than a few nights.

"Wow, really? Where?"

"Ben's place."

"Okay, great. But isn't that a little weird?" Last I heard they still had this whole vow of celibacy thing going, so sending a girl to live with her fiance seemed wrong.

"No, his cousin is staying there, so it'll be the three of you." Ben had more cousins than anyone else on the planet.

As we cruised along, she wondered how I was doing.

"I'm fine."

"How can you be fine? Are you going to tell me why you broke up?"

"I really don't want to talk about this," I pleaded.

"Kelly, I realize that I'm partly motivated by nosiness, but it's not good to keep everything bottled up inside you. Have you talked to your parents?"

"Of course. I called them and told them I was coming back here. I explained that Jimmy and I had broken up."

She gave me the side-eye. "So you didn't tell them why either."

"He cheated on me. There, are you happy now?" I had promised Jimmy I wasn't going to talk, but that was about all the gross details of what happened. It was clear that I'd have to explain why at some point. Besides, it wasn't like April was going to blab to anyone, except-shit. "Please don't tell Ben."

"Why not?"

"Because he'll tell other people." Namely Phil. I didn't want him feeling sorry for me.

She made a harrumph noise but nodded. "Well, I'm glad you're back, now you can help me with the wedding." That momentous occasion was coming up in six weeks.

"Seriously? I can't believe you're not ready already. You could launch a world war single-handedly."

"True. But last-minute issues seem to keep creeping up. I may have found a job for you too."

"What is it?"

"Oh, Ben said they needed someone to help out in the warehouse temporarily. I figured you could do it while you were looking for a real job."

"Sounds good to me. I have an interview next week though."

"Already? I'm impressed. What is it?"

"The internship back at the radio station. I contacted Ruby a couple of weeks ago, and she set things up for me."

"You know, Kelly, you're a lot more together than I thought. I was ready for you to be a complete basket case."

That was good news. Maybe I was totally falling apart inside, but it didn't show.

The job April had arranged for me was doing some mindless sorting and unpacking of boxes in the warehouse of the Cho family import business. My coworkers were a middle-aged Chinese man and two women, who mainly spoke to each other in Mandarin. It was the perfect job for decompressing from my Chicago life. I wore a coverall and no makeup, and nobody cared how I looked or who I was. In fact, nobody noticed that I was female.

After work, I worked out. I felt that keeping active would keep me distracted. The only problem was the nights. At night, I lay in bed and kept thinking about my old life. What I hated most about myself was that I still missed Jimmy. Sometimes I was even tempted to call him. I could imagine the whole conversation: an awkward beginning, explanations, apologies, forgiveness, and then making plans. Then I could be back in the condo, making love to his sculpted body on pressed sheets with an infinitely high thread count. I could be cheering amidst the craziness at his games and laughing with my new girlfriends.

But I had trusted my body once. Now my brain was in charge. If I forgave him, he would know that I was weak and he could do whatever he wanted and I would have lost more of myself. The right thing was leaving, but that didn't mean it was easy.

I felt robotic as I started to try to put my life in order. I contacted Ruby to get the scoop before my interview.

"I hope you don't mind, Kelly, but I put you in for another internship-on the television side. Might as well maximize your chances, and when I saw you had a demo reel and technical experience, I figured you had a good chance."

"Wow, that's great. Thanks, Ruby."

"I love my job, and radio will always be around, but if you're young and ambitious-television is where it's at. Your interviews are both on Monday, you're seeing Don Johnson in the afternoon, and-" She paused, and I could tell she was consulting her planner. "Brendan Williams at 10:00am. I heard he's a hard-ass, but I'm sure you can handle him."

"Again, you've been so great, Ruby. I owe you big."

"I have plans. You're going on my potential babysitters list." She cackled evilly, and we chatted about how she was enjoying motherhood. Then Ruby asked, "I take it that things didn't work out with James Frechette?"

I half-expected this question, so I was ready to answer without breaking down. "Well, dating a professional athlete is exactly the lifestyle you might expect. It wasn't for me."

"Not completely shocked. You'd think after meeting so many that I would have lost all my illusions, but I was hoping it would work out for you."

I smiled, but she couldn't see that on the phone. "Thanks for everything, Ruby. If you're still there after I see Don Johnson, we can chat. Otherwise, maybe I can take you out to lunch next week?"

"I never say no to a free lunch. Good luck on Monday, Kelly."

"I'm here to see Brendan Williams," I told the receptionist on the television side of Coast 2 Coast. She was a petite blonde and her eyebrows went sky-high at my request.

"Oh my gosh. Um, what's your name? And what are you here for?" she stammered. Clearly being a receptionist was harder than I had found.

"I'm Kelly Tanaka. I have an interview for the internship job."

"Oh, okay. Stay right here, and I'll be back." She was gone for an extremely long time, and I was starting to wonder what the heck was going on. She finally came back with another woman. She looked about forty with a grey suit and cropped blondish hair.

"Hi, Kelly. I'm Betty Harrison. It's nice to meet you." She shook my hand and then guided me into the boardroom. "You'll have to excuse the strangeness here. Brendan Williams got fired on Friday and I've taken over his job. Unfortunately, he didn't leave under the best circumstances, and I'm having to piece his schedule together. We had no idea you were coming in."

"Oh no. Did you want me to come back another time?" I offered.

"Let's do this now. Do you have your resume?" I handed it over with my demo tape. Betty pulled down her glasses and scanned it. "Oh my, captain of the McGill Martlets. And you won the CIS title, congratulations."

She looked up at me. "So you must know your hockey."

I nodded. I already knew how the game was played. And one thing I did take from my time with Jimmy was an almost encyclopaedic knowledge of the different players in the NHL. I had to keep up with his strategies and complaints, so I had studied up.

"Knowledge of the mechanics of the game is good, Kelly." She smiled. "Have you seen our whole facility? Why don't I take you on a tour?"

The interview was like nothing I'd ever experienced. Betty was one of the smartest women I'd ever met. She put me completely at ease, and I didn't notice until afterwards that she was taking stock of my technical knowledge as we toured the studio, and my interpersonal skills as she introduced me around. I was too distracted by the television-side facilities, which made radio look like a retirement home. Here there were more people, more technology, and tons of action.

"I take it you're comfortable in male-dominated environments," she remarked as we headed to the lobby. "Can I ask how you deal with sexism in the workplace?"

I frowned. "Sometimes it's tough, like if it's your boss. I try to speak up. I'll tolerate a lot, but there's a line for me."

She nodded, then shook my hand again. "Kelly, it's been a pleasure to meet you. Sorry about the mix-up at the beginning, and we'll be in touch, one way or the other. I don't have any idea who else we're interviewing or what our timelines are. But I plan to have a handle on things by the end of this week, so you can expect to hear from us, one way or the other, in the next three weeks."

I thanked her and watched as she strode away. I really, really wanted to work here with Betty. But I was sure that anyone would.

My interview with Don Johnson went a lot more smoothly since he already knew me. I felt pretty sure I was going to be offered the radio job, but now it was my second choice. Afterwards, I went to look for Ruby.

"Jeez, Ruby, the guy I was supposed to meet got fired. What is going on up in TV land?"

"Oh my God, that's right. I had forgotten all about you. The fit hit the shan on Friday, and I only found out this morning. Brendan Williams is a world-class prick, but his biggest problem was that he had a big feud going on with Ross Laurie-the network President. Who fights with their boss's boss? Williams and Laurie once worked together, but Laurie got promoted while Williams got sent out here. Anyway, since Williams has been trying to undermine him from Day One, Laurie finally got fed up with the pettiness and called him on some ridiculous stunt. There was a big blow-up and next thing you know, Williams is out on his ass and his staff are partying their heads off."

"He was that popular?"

"I told you, world-class prick."

"And you wanted him to be my boss?"

"As opposed to him?" She jerked her head towards Don Johnson's office. During our interview, Don had looked down my shirt and told me the radio station had never had a "girl intern" before.

"Good point. Well, Betty was wonderful. I'd love to work for her."

"Yes, she got vaulted in from Toronto. It was a promotion, and she's one of Laurie's right-hand men. Or women, rather. I met her before when I worked in Toronto, so I'll be sure to go and put in a good word for you."

"Thank you, Ruby. You've been so fantastic helping me."

"No problem. You work hard, and I know you'll do a good job. There's been a male brotherhood around here long enough, and it's time for the sisters to rise up." Ruby laughed heartily.

40.