"Okay, tell me the whole story. Those idiots have not appreciated you from day one."

I gave her the short version, and she was filled with indignation.

"I can't believe he did that. Your boss is an enormous douchebag, and James is a bigger one."

"I guess he's still mad at me."

"He needs to suck it up. It's been months, and he's a big boy. What a turd-head."

"To be fair, he didn't know it would get me fired."

"Why should we be fair? I know how hard you've worked, you did insane hours and all that work at home too."

"Yeah, that's what bothers me most. I feel like I made this decision to put my time and effort into a career instead of a relationship. Because a guy could leave, but you'll always have your work. And look how things turned out."

"Yeah. Well, at least you have the experience and a demo reel for your next job."

"And I have no idea what my next job will be." I sighed. It was too soon to think about all this. "Crap, April, I don't even get severance. How am I going to keep paying the rent? What if we're both unemployed by this weekend?"

"We're two gorgeous, intelligent, hard-working women. Something will turn up. Or maybe we'll have to start our own business."

I stretched out on the couch. "What business? Designer clothes made out of hockey jerseys? The mind boggles." I couldn't ask my parents for money; they were far away having their big adventure, and I didn't want to worry them. Besides, only a few months ago, we were celebrating my successful independence.

I'd have to find a new job, but I had no in-depth skills or experience yet, and my demo reel was pretty lame.

April patted my shoulder. "Stop worrying. I can see it on your face. Take this week off, and we'll both find jobs next week. I have a rich fiance who can pay our rent for a month if need be. In fact, this will give me more time for the wedding, and you could help."

"That's not really a paying job." I couldn't go back to the radio station either; all my old jobs were filled. "How long do I get to wallow for?"

"Given our precarious financial situation-24 hours," April said. I knew she was joking, but she was right. I decided to be nice to myself all day and then start job-hunting tomorrow.

42.

Who's Sorry Now

James

Since we were staying in Vancouver for two days, we practiced at GM Place on Monday afternoon. The Canucks were coming off the ice as we were going on, and a few media types were here for them. As the departing opponents, nobody wanted to talk to us, and I couldn't see Kelly anywhere.

I was retying my skates on the bench, when someone spoke to me.

"Hey, dude."

"Yeah?" I looked up and saw a skinny, long-haired cameraman.

"You're a big fucking asshole," he said.

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, it would have taken ten seconds and no effort at all for you to answer Kelly's question. I hope you're happy now."

"What are you talking about?"

He glared at me. "She got fired. Because you're a jerk-off."

"No way. Over that?"

He gave me one last scowl and left. It was tough to practice after that, but I kept my focus. As soon as I got off the ice, I called Tim Glasser.

"What's up, James?"

"Is it true that Kelly Tanaka got fired because I wouldn't talk to her?" The question came out more baldly than I had intended.

"Well, uh, I did hear something along those lines. But let me double check."

I was back at the hotel by the time Tim called.

"Okay, I managed to get the full story. You don't have to feel responsible. Apparently, she got caught in some kind of territorial dispute between head office and Vancouver. If it wasn't this thing with you, it would have been something else."

But it had been the thing with me, and I felt terrible. Fame came with responsibility, and that something that I was still learning. If you had one off-day and were rude to a fan, they would get upset and tell their friends. Or if you weren't playing well for an extended period, people looked for causes in your personal life. And now, my acting like a petty child resulted in Kelly getting fired.

"Can't I do something about this? I'd be happy to give her an exclusive interview or whatever they want. I want to fix things."

"Realistically, they're not going to rehire her just because we offer them an interview. The whole deal was a set-up anyway. They sent her because they wanted you to be embarrassed. She's not an experienced reporter, and she shouldn't even have been in the room."

I couldn't believe how cold Tim was being about this whole deal. "But I got her fired," I repeated.

"James, it wasn't your finest moment, and you can learn from this. If my ex showed up unexpectedly, I might do something dumb too. Besides, did you see the hatchet job she did on Kisser? I've had to put out a few fires because of that. The league hates hearing threats off the ice. She acts all innocent, but she's really a barracuda."

"Make up your mind. Is she a good reporter or a bad one? Anyway, won't this be bad publicity for our team? That we got a reporter fired."

"She's nobody. If she were a popular reporter, there might be backlash, but nobody even knows who she is."

If Tim was in the room, I might have hit him by now. But I had already let my emotions get the better of me and look how that turned out. I thanked him and hung up. Then I cancelled my dinner plans and headed out to Kelly's place.

When I knocked on the door of her apartment, April opened it, took one look at me and slammed it shut. I heard the deadbolt dropping for good measure.

"Please, April. I just want to see Kelly and apologize for what I've done," I yelled through the door.

"Really? I thought you weren't talking to her. Isn't that the problem?" April's voice was only slightly muffled. "Anyway, she's not even here."

"Where is she?"

"Like I'd tell you. Go away."

"She's at Phil's, isn't she? Okay, fine, I'll go and talk to her there. That's how bad I feel."

I heard the bolt click and the door opened. April squinted at me. "Say what?"

"Uh, that's how bad I feel about what happened," I repeated.

"No, why would you think she's at Phil's?"

"Because she chose him over me. They're probably engaged by now, right?"

April shook her head. "Not hardly. What exactly did Kelly say to you when she broke up with you?"

"I don't know. Why are you asking me this?"

"Oh, no reason. Look, Kelly has gone out, and she won't be back for ages-years even. I will let her know you were here and you apologized for being the world's biggest dickhead. Now leave."

The door closed again. This time I could hear April walking away, so my options would be to camp out on the doorstep or go and search for Kelly. What would Kelly do if she were stressed?

When I left the gym, Jimmy was sitting on the bench near where my bike was locked. It was raining lightly, and he had his collar pulled up and a knit cap pulled down. Our eyes met, but neither one of us said anything for a moment. Then he rushed over.

"Kelly, I'm so, so sorry. I was a complete idiot, and I wanted to apologize for everything that happened to you."

I nodded at him, but no words would come out.

"Look, can we talk for a bit? Do you want to go to dinner or something?"

I shook my head. "I'm kind of in a weird place right now, and you're the last person I want to talk to."

"Okay, sure. How about five minutes instead? We could go for a coffee, or just walk."

Having finished a tough workout, I was feeling damp and icky. All I wanted to do was go home and take a shower. And frankly, I was tired of doing everything on the schedule of big, important men. "I'm going to get cleaned up. If you want to go for coffee after that, fine."

"Okay, sure. Where should I wait? At your place?" He sounded completely uncertain for once.

"No, there's a coffee shop near our place, at the corner of Georgia and Jackson. I'll meet you there in 40 minutes." Then I hopped on my bike and took off without looking back.

After a shower, I still wasn't feeling that endorphin high. I wondered how long it would take me to feel better. When hockey finished, I felt depressed because it was like losing a part of myself. Now I was more angry and frustrated. And I felt discouraged. No matter how hard I worked, I came up against sexism. I felt like I had tried to play with boys my whole life, but I was never going to be allowed to. Sure, they might be nice to me, but that was only-as Williams had pointed out-for one reason.

I walked into the coffee shop and saw Jimmy waiting there. He looked a little uncomfortable, as this place was more suited to granola-y neighbourhood moms than fancy NHL superstars. I walked up to the counter and got a cup of tea. Jimmy tried to pay for it, but I waved him off.

"I have just enough in my bank account to pay for this," I told him. We went and sat down at his table.

"Kelly, look-I can't tell you how sorry I am for what happened. Is there anything I can do to get your job back?"

"Well, sure. Why don't you jump into a time machine, spin it back 48 hours and answer my fucking question?"

He intertwined his fingers nervously. "I know, I was a jerk. I was just so surprised to see you there, and it hurt me. But I should have treated you like anyone else."

"No shit, Sherlock. But you're so important now, that it doesn't matter how many little people you step on."

"That's not fair. You know nothing about me anymore."

I drank some tea. "Are we done here? Because I have to work on my resume."

He looked genuinely miserable when our eyes met. But that wasn't moving me at all. He shook his head. "No, actually I have a question. When did you and Phil break up?"

I carefully examined the wood grain of the table. "We didn't."

"Oh really? April seemed surprised I even thought you guys were together."

I didn't know what to say. But it probably didn't matter anymore. After what had happened, there was no way either of us could ever care again. "We never broke up because we never went out again."

"So, why did you let me believe you were getting back with him?"

"I never said that."

"You never denied it. You implied it."

He was pushing me too far. "I did it because you got it in your head that you needed me, and I knew what you were like-you'd never give up unless you thought I was with someone else."

Now his expression changed again. He was looking hopeful, and that was bad news. "So you did love me more. I knew it. I was so sure of that, and I was right." He reached over and tried to hold my hand, but I pulled back. "Why didn't you choose me?"