Chapter 14.

We spent the day at the hospital, back to being strangers. No words were spoken about the night before. Instead we focused all our energies on our daughter.

Mia was having a better day than the one before, but still she was not at her best.

We kept up the happy pretense for her sake; never letting on to the turmoil going on inside, the tension in the room was palpable only to us.

All day I kept stealing glances at her and cussing myself for being a fool. My d.i.c.k was now back to staying hard around her, and the anger only seemed to make it worse.

I was weakening somewhat I knew, but I was going to fight this s.h.i.t with all I had in me. No way am I going to give her another shot at me.

Somehow I knew that I was waiting for her to break first. She was the one who'd left after all so why the f.u.c.k should I run to her like a little f.u.c.king dog after a bone? f.u.c.k that.

I fielded calls from my mother and ignored a couple from Camille. I was pretty sure that we'd said all there was to say to each other.

I never did ask Zania about that crack she'd made about my fiance; she'd probably picked up the gossip here in the hospital.

I was pretty sure that my name has been the topic on many a tongue in the place, though thankfully the local news rag hadn't been tipped off as yet, and it better never be or I'd sue every motherf.u.c.ker in here.

That night we left with the a.s.surance that we could take our girl home the next day. We were both tired from a night spent mauling each other and all I was interested in was a quick bite a hot shower and bed.

She headed into one of the guest bathrooms as soon as we got in the house while I went through to the kitchen.

I'd gotten into the habit of fixing her dinner too, without much fuss. It was just easier that way, or so I had convinced myself.

I was in the process of scrounging through the produce bin for the fixings for a salad, when I heard something crash against the wall and then break in the other room. I hurried to see what the f.u.c.k was going on and came up short.

She was standing in the middle of the room surrounded by broken gla.s.s, with just a pair of panties and a tank top on. It was the look on her face though, that caught my attention. She was white as a sheet.

"What the h.e.l.l...?" I stepped further into the room and waited for an explanation. I wasn't going to let either of us fold under the pressure, not yet, not until we'd done all we could.

Yes she'd been carrying this burden a lot longer than I have, but that was through no fault of mine. "I asked you a question, what the h.e.l.l is this about?"

"I'm not pregnant." Her voice was full of pain, a pain that I felt in the depths of my soul as her words. .h.i.t home.

"You, how do you know?"

She waved a wrapped tampon in my face as proof before slumping down onto the toilet seat.

I took the blow and stepped back, before turning right around and leaving the room.

I didn't know what to feel other than the bitter disappointment that crawled up my throat.

Grabbing my jacket from the chair arm where I'd left it, I slammed out the door, knowing that I was being a real d.i.c.k for leaving her there like that, so f.u.c.king devastated.

In the car I had only one thing in mind, getting to my daughter. I needed to see her little face, to rea.s.sure myself that she was still here, and alive.

I know I'd just left her mother feeling responsible for her body's natural reaction. That was another f.u.c.ked up move on my part, but I couldn't help it.

I just wanted to save my little girl, was that so horrible? We'd obviously done this s.h.i.t before, so why was it so hard this time?

I was halfway to my destination when it hit me. All the f.u.c.ked up things I'd thought and felt since I'd started this.

Just what the f.u.c.k am I doing? I've let my hate and anger fester to the point that I'd lost sight of all common decency.

This baby that I was trying so hard for, for all that she or he was needed to save their sisters life, was still a child in its own right.

Here I was, thinking of it in cold impersonal terms, like it was a science project or some f.u.c.k.

I pulled over to the side of the road and rested my head on the steering wheel as I tried to get myself under control.

This baby was going to be a part of me, a part of her, of us.

He or she was going to need love and security too, like any child would.

Where the h.e.l.l had I been in my head? When had I become such a f.u.c.king a.s.shole? I felt sick to my stomach and had to battle back the nausea.

It didn't matter what I felt about Zania and the s.h.i.t she'd done, this was my own child that I had been thinking of as if it were nothing more than a means to an end.

I hated myself in that moment as I brought to mind my own actions in the last month or so. What the f.u.c.k had I become?

I strengthened my resolve to do better, to love this child before he or she were even conceived, and hope to f.u.c.k that they never found out just what an a.s.shole their dad was.

Picking my head up, I made a U-turn and headed back to her. I'd been about to go see our daughter without her, when I knew she must've wanted to see her too.

To rea.s.sure her own self, just as I needed to, that even with this tremendous setback, our little girl was still with us.

I also remembered as I headed back, that in our brief time together, she'd suffered horrendously during these times, something about a medical condition.

I remember how I use to suffer right along with her, with every twinge of pain that she endured. I'd forgotten all about that over the years.

I heard the wailing from outside the door and surmised it must be a really bad one. The old memories came swarming back and I felt that knee jerk reaction, the one that always made me want to take care of her.

She was curled into herself in a chair with her arms wrapped around her middle.

Walking over I stood in front of her. "Do you have your pills with you?"

She shook her head but didn't pick it up to look at me. "There was no time."

I pulled my phone and called a friend for a favor. Don't ask me why I remembered the name of her medicine, but I did.

"Jon I need a favor. I need a prescription." I filled him in and he told me it was no problem, but that she could have her doctor call it in anywhere.

"Do you have your doctor's number?" I hung up the phone. If this way were faster, I'd rather do it. I found that for all that I despised her still I couldn't stand to see her suffer.

"It's in my phone." I got the phone and pa.s.sed it off to her. She found the number and called while I absentmindedly ran my fingers through her hair.

We both realized what I was doing at the same time. She froze as if expecting me to strike, and I pulled my hand away as if it had been scorched.

I ended up taking care of her the way I used to. Getting her medicine, running her a bath and putting her to bed, my bed.

It was hard dealing with the disappointment, but it wasn't the end. I won't stop trying until we succeeded.

I stayed up reading over a proposal for a new contract and keeping an eye on her before going off to sleep myself, with a heavy heart.

Chapter 15.

It was a torturous few days waiting for her body to heal. I was on pins and needles as I counted down to the time when we could try again.

Each day I spent more and more time with little Mia, which helped to make me realize with this new way of thinking, that I was actually looking forward to having another little one.

I had missed my chance with Mia, hadn't been there for any of her firsts. I had lost so much. With this new baby, I would be there from the beginning.

I could watch my son or daughter grow from the womb and protect them from everything.

The more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. I felt almost ashamed of myself for what I'd set out to do.

Not for the way I'd persuaded her to have my child, but the way I had perceived that unborn part of me.

I also admitted to myself that I missed being inside her. I couldn't wait to get back between her thighs and slate this renewed l.u.s.t that she'd awakened in me.

I also accepted another truth, it wasn't just to f.u.c.k my kid into her either, I just wanted inside her again in the worst f.u.c.king way. What a f.u.c.king sap.

Sap or not, I haven't felt this alive since she'd left me. I was tinkering with the idea of keeping her after all was said and done.

Instead of taking both kids and sending her packing after she was no longer needed, like I'd planned, I could tie her to me.

The thought of owning her again was suddenly very appealing, all I had to do was tie her to me in such a way that she could never leave me again.

I looked down at my c.o.c.k, which had started swelling along with my thoughts. "At least you approve."

We were able to take Mia home at last and I spent the evening entertaining her while her mother watched us with a far away look on her face.

Sometimes, like now, she got such a look on her face that made me question everything I thought I knew. I still saw in her the same young girl with the innocent heart that I'd fallen so hard for.

I had yet to find anything in her to substantiate any of the things that I'd come to believe.

Or maybe it was just my own wishful thinking. Maybe because I'd made up my mind to hold onto her, I was looking for excuses for her.

Whatever the case, I no longer felt that deep-rooted anger; instead there was just a little kernel of hope.

That night, I knew she was too embarra.s.sed to tell me if her body was once again ready to accept mine, but I could tell by her movements that the coast was clear.

I know what science says, that her most fertile time would be two weeks or so from now, but I didn't want to wait.

I watched her all evening until it was time for bed. It was then that I realized that even when I couldn't take her I was still taking her to my bed.

That first night when she'd got her period, she had gone to one of the guest rooms to sleep after her bath, while I was in the kitchen making her tea. But when I didn't find her in my bed, I'd gone and found her and brought her back.

It had happened so effortlessly that I hadn't paid much attention until now, as I watched her go into our room to my bed.

I sat up much later, my head full of questions. Could I really put the past behind me? Could I forgive her for the sake of the child we had and the one we were trying so hard to create?

If I protected my heart from her I was sure that I could do it. As long as I wasn't dumb enough to let her into my heart again I should survive.

I could easily spend my life in a loveless marriage. I knew that there was no way that I would ever feel for another woman what I'd felt for her that first time, so there was really no point in holding out for happily ever after.

And we already had a child together, one who needed both of us, and I am ever willing to do whatever it takes to make my little girl happy.

She didn't really have any say, or more to the point I wasn't about to give her any, so why not?

I killed the nagging doubt that kept plaguing me. The one that said I was a fool to give in, especially when I still didn't know what had precipitated her leaving me the first time.

But the lines were fading fast. I had a decision, a choice to make. I was either all in or not at all, but I think I already knew the answer to that, had known it since the day she stepped foot into my office.

I still had feelings for her, there's no denying that s.h.i.t, not even to myself. I could feel like ten times the fool, but there was no denying it. She was still in my f.u.c.king heart, always was, always will be.

I just had to decide which way to move forward. It goes without saying that I wasn't about to give her my heart on a platter, but I could no longer fool myself.

I was still angry as f.u.c.k at her yes, but I didn't hate her, probably never did. She was my Zania. I knew now that as long as I live, she will always be.

Chapter 16.

With my new resolve in place, I entered our room in the dark, after first checking on our sleeping daughter.