Everyone collapsed into hysterical laughter. Apparently, looking at vomit all over my jacket and face was HILARIOUS. Thanks guys, you can all go die. There are many, many people on Earth who would have paid good money to watch me get my comeuppance in this manner.
Andy "Hey Tucker next time you need to puke, do it out the starboard side of the boat."
Tucker "What's starboard?"
Fourtner "Jesus Christ."
Andy "The side where the wind isn't blowing directly into. The opposite side of where you just puked."
Tucker "OK, right. Good idea."
About an hour later, I needed to puke again. I tried to cross to the other side of the boat but it was pitching so hard I made it about halfway across before I was literally thrown back to the port side.
Tucker "Is there a garbage can over there?"
Drew "Yeah lemme get it."
Andy "Nah don't waste a perfectly good garbage bag. Open that door behind you where Fourtner was and puke out the back."
I opened the door, leaned out, and then the boat pitched hard. I fell back in the cabin. Nils was in the room as well by then, and both he and Drew started to head over to help.
Andy "Just wait. He'll be fine. But if he falls out, then go over there-fast."
I eventually got to the door, leaned waaaaay out on the deck, and hurled with all my might. Into the wind, again. Except this time, because I was doing it through a door, half of it blew back into the cabin.
Tucker "BLEEEEAAAAARGHHH AAAAAAAAAAHHHH FUUUUUUUU UUUCK GOD FUCKING DAMMIT."
I gave one last huge hurl, slammed the door shut, and held onto the doorknob for stability. Not only was I covered in puke but I was drenched head to toe in sweat, rain, and seawater spray. I looked like a drowned rat, staring down at the floor at his puke blowback in resigned horror. Fourtner was choking he was laughing so hard.
Tucker "Andy, I am so sorry about this."
Andy "No worries man. You're not the first to do that; you won't be the last. Plus that was entertaining."
Tucker "I wasn't even this bad the first time I got drunk."
I collapsed into the other chair, exhausted, wet, covered in vomit, and tired as hell. My complexion was a distinct shade of green. This inspired Captain Jonathan, who decided that now would be the perfect time to blast me with a full can of silly string. PSSSSSSHHHHT. I didn't even twitch. I just sat there.
Jonathan "OK Tucker, give us your ATM card and PIN number or we're staying right here out at sea."
Tucker "Jonathan, if I thought for even a minute that would actually get me on land, I'd fucking give you everything I owned right now."
You don't think of fishermen as environmentalists. But really they are. If anyone would care about the environment, it's the people who deal with it every day and make their living directly from it. Two exchanges we had as we crept into the dock really brought this point home.
We passed another shipping vessel, something that looked way different from the crab boats. Fourtner said they were net draggers. He called them "drag fags."
Fourtner "They deploy these massive fishing nets that have wheels on the bottom and roll along the bottom. I hate those things. Those guys absolutely obliterate the sea floor. They just destroy every goddamn thing in their path."
Drew "So environmentalists aren't wrong about those ships then?"
Fourtner "Nope. They're terrible."
Drew "How come they don't regulate them more tightly then?"
Andy "Because they feed 66% of the world's population with drag fishing like that. That, and they've got real good lobbyists."
Drew "On the show I see you guys having to measure the size of crabs to see if they're big enough, and you also toss back all the females. They don't regulate the by-catch at all on the draggers?"
Andy "No point. It all comes up dead."
Fourtner "Fucking drag fags."
Of course, they aren't always environmentally conscious. Later on, we were taking pictures of some ducks.
Jonathan "Those ducks out there, they're endangered."
Drew "Really? Why's that?"
Jonathan "Because they're delicious."
Neal "Taste like tenderloin."
Tucker "How do you know what they taste like?"
Neal "They weren't always protected."
PART 4: DUTCH HARBOR.
I could probably write a 20,000-word article just about Dutch Harbor, and the city of Unalaska that surrounds it. It's one of the most contradictory and compelling places I've ever been. It's both completely modern and really old at the same time, but in weird ways. For example, it was an important base during World War II (it was the only place in America other than Pearl Harbor that the Japanese bombed). The island is covered in all sorts of abandoned, overgrown pillboxes and bunkers. Many of them sit next to huge logistical cranes used to load massive freighters. It's the largest fishery port in the United States; the island is basically nothing but boats, warehouses, and processing buildings. But only about 4,000 people live there year-round (the population more than doubles during certain fishing seasons, due to all the people who fly in to work at the processors). There are only seven miles of paved road on the whole island, but there are at least a thousand vehicles there. The airfield is so small they have to close the road that runs next to it when planes take off, so they don't clip passing cars. There are only two bars, but they're always packed. The island is incredibly naturally beautiful and filled with all sorts of endangered and protected animals that all but interact with you. We would eat breakfast every day next to an inlet where otters were diving for shellfish and dozens of eagles would perch not even ten feet from the windows.
The beauty is surrounded by depressing, industrialized blight and decay; nothing is what it initially seems. When we landed, everyone was so stoked to see an eagle. I snapped like twenty pictures the first day. I eventually stopped. There are fucking eagles everywhere. There are so many eagles on the island, they outnumbered all other birds. Not only that, they're disgusting, vile creatures. They basically live out of the dumpsters. Johnathan said he was so tired of looking at them, he hated eagles now. He called them trash birds, and joked that he tries to hit them with his truck. To me, this picture perfectly symbolizes Dutch Harbor: I know I kinda expected that Dutch Harbor would be this raucous, drunk brawl of violent fishermen, but it wasn't at all like that. It was a pretty chill week, actually. We spent six days and nights in Dutch Harbor, and a lot of that time was spent exploring the island, or taking pictures or just hanging out and relaxing. Part of the reason for this is that the nature of crab fishing has changed dramatically with the implementation of seasonal quotas over the last decade. They've effectively cut the crab fleet from 250 boats to 80 boats. That's a lot fewer drunk fishermen. Also, Dutch Harbor authorities made a conscious effort to eliminate that sort of behavior. They even closed the legendary bar on the island, The Elbo Room. Johnathan said he knew of at least 1012 killings that happened at the bar, and that he was glad it was closed, "Eventually, you get tired of picking the glass out of your skull from people hitting you in the head with beer bottles."
But even though Dutch Harbor wasn't like the old days any more, we did drink. A lot. And there were some pretty funny stories.
Nils & Keith The second night on the island, we were in the hotel bar. Pretty much everyone you know from the show was there too: the Time Bandit crew, the Harris Brothers, Eddie the Samoan, Keith and his brother, Sig, and the Northwestern crew, you get the idea. Here's the thing about them: Everyone is pretty much exactly like they are on TV, which makes it pretty much the opposite of all other reality TV. All the personality traits and conflicts and foibles you see-they are all real.
Except for one person: Keith, the captain of the Wizard.
It's not that Keith was fake or anything like that. The thing about Keith you don't realize from the show, because you rarely see the captains or the crews in the same room together, is that he REALLY stands out from the rest of the fishermen. For example, everyone in the bar either drinks beer in bottles, or whiskey, or both. Keith drinks red wine. And wears a turtleneck. And has a huge '70s mustache. And just has a way about him that is very different. If I hadn't seen the show, I'd think he was the general manager of a chain restaurant. Something about him was just ... off.
I couldn't pin it down until one night it was pretty close to last call and Nils, Drew, Bunny, and I walked out of the hotel bar. Keith was in the lobby talking to Fourtner, who was waiting to give Captain Andy a ride back to the Time Bandit. We said hi to Fourtner, and Keith walked past us and right up to Nils. I'm going to transcribe the dialogue as I heard it, and let you make your own judgments: Keith "Hey there. How tall are you? Are you taller than Fourtner? I think you are."
Nils "Sure am. I'm 6'5"."
Keith "Mmm, I like you tall boys. Especially when you throw back those shoulders and stand tall like that."
Nils "Uh ... yeah."
Keith "You guys can really push stuff around, tall guys are always so big and strong."
Nils "Nice to meet you."
I couldn't believe what I just heard. Fourtner's eyes went wide, like meth-head, anime wide. Drew got visibly nervous. I just kept walking.
Tucker "Did that just happen? I have the worst gaydar in the world ... but did what I think happened, just happen?"
Nils "Oh yes. I grew up in the Bay Area, stuff like that used to happen to me all the time."
Look, I'm not making any accusations or saying anything. Keith is married with kids. I'm just telling you what happened. That exchange is verbatim, and you can take whatever you want from it.
But of course, I'm an asshole, so I didn't let it end there. The next night, we were in the same bar, all drinking and talking and having fun, like always. I decided to take it up a notch, so I called over the waitress.
Tucker "We'd like to send Keith a glass of red wine, what's his favorite?"
Waitress "Oh, Liberty School cabernet." She didn't even pause. She knew it immediately.
Tucker "Awesome. Put it on our tab, and tell Keith it's from 'the tallest guy in the room.'"
Waitress "The tallest guy in the room?"
Tucker "He'll understand."
About thirty minutes later, the waitress returned to our table. With a Coors Light for Nils, from Captain Keith.
Johnathan "Jesus Christ."
Tucker "Dude, you're so in."
Nils "I don't want to be in!"
The funny part about this whole charade was that when we would tell other boat captains and crews about it, they steadfastly refused to believe it, even when Fourtner would back us up. Most of them can't stand that floating pedophile-some, like Johnathan, openly loathe Keith-but not one of them was biting at our story. It was kind of heartwarming, in that charming, old school, hyper-masculine kind of way. Sure, Keith is a total fag, but it's not like he's a gay or something!
Johnathan and the Horses Johnathan Hillstrand seems like this hardcore badass who'd just as soon fight you as look at you. And that's true. But make no mistake, he's a total softie to the people he cares about. When he was at my house in Austin for the Super Bowl this year, I swear to God he spent more time watching the Puppy Bowl than the Super Bowl (I have two TVs in my living room). He'll probably get pissed I'm going to tell this story, but I have to: We were sitting in the bar drinking, and even though it was only 4pm, the sun was starting to go down. Johnathan pipes up all of the sudden: Johnathan "Hey! Who wants to go see wild horses?"
Bunny "I do!"
Nils "What is this, a fucking Rolling Stones song?"
Tucker "Wild horses? This is an island. In the north Pacific. With no trees. There are no wild horses here."
Johnathan "Like hell there aren't. Come on, let's get some carrots and apples and head over."
Like I said earlier, Dutch Harbor had a fairly substantial military base on it during World War II. The US Military at the time decided to use horses instead of using all gasoline powered vehicles on the island, probably because logistically fuel would have been in short supply but horses had plenty to eat, because a thick covering of natural grasses blankets most of Dutch Harbor. After the war, the military closed up shop on Dutch Harbor, and I guess transporting the horses back was either too costly or otherwise unnecessary, so they were released into the wild. You would think it'd be too cold, and they'd die. You'd be wrong. The herd still exists to this day. And Johnathan knew where they liked to hang out.
This was clearly not the first time he'd gone to feed the horses, because Johnathan went into a long explanation about the herd, what they liked to eat, where they hung out, their social patterns, everything. Johnathan pulled up about 20 feet from them and stopped. He held an apple out the window and waved it around. I asked him which one was Sarah Jessica Parker. The horses immediately recognized what Johnathan was waving and came over to see us. We got out of the truck and fed the horses carrots and apples, which they greedily munched down.
Drew "Horses are really smart. You don't have to worry about them biting you, they just want the food."
Tucker "You sure about that? I've been bitten by a horse before."
Drew "I dunno, all the ones I've been around have never bitten me."
And at that exact moment, one of them bit the ever-living shit out of Johnathan's hand.
Johnathan "OW FUCK GODDAMN IT!"
Tucker "See? Horses are fucking dicks!"
Johnathan "I had to pull like hell to get my hand out. That fucker wasn't going to let go!"
Of course, we mocked him about this: Bunny "Can you imagine having to go back to the boat later without a finger and having to explain that? 'Been at sea over 30 years, lost a finger to a horse.'"
Drew "I feel bad for the next folks to come out here and feed them. Now they like the taste of human flesh. They're gonna find a pile of human skeletons, picked clean."
Neal Hillstrand One of the grave crimes against humanity perpetrated on the fans of "The Deadliest Catch" is the systematic editing-out of footage of Neal Hillstrand from ever making the show. After spending a week with the crew of the Time Bandit, I think I am qualified to say that not only is Neal Hillstrand the funniest Hillstrand, he's the funniest fisherman on the Bering Sea.
There is so much to tell you about him, I'm not sure where to start. He divorced his last wife because she hit him in the head with a shovel. When he was a kid, he had bad teeth, so his grandmother pulled them out. With pliers and whiskey. His dad wouldn't let him have a real gun as a kid, so he taped real bullets onto the end of his pellet gun, and shot things with that (the pellet hit the primer and discharged the bullet). These are just the things off the top of my head.
Part of the reason he gets edited out of the show is his fault: You ever heard the term "cursing like a drunken sailor?" Neal Hillstrand IS a drunken sailor. Pretty much every piece of footage that the Discovery Channel has of him, he is cursing to such an extent that you couldn't even bleep the curses, because it would just be a steady stream, like when the emergency signal comes on your TV.
Plus, part of the problem is that the dude drops these vaguely philosophical and always hilarious quotes, but they are hard to understand unless you either know him or they are put into the proper context. For example, after watching Keith hit on Nils, Neal blurted out,"I need some mustard for my hotdog and right now I'm at the same picnic." Or one time, these people were talking about horse racing, and during a lull in the conversation, Neal said, "Horses don't like black people." Or, after cutting the hell out of one of the knuckles on his left hand working in the engine room, he told us he wasn't upset because, "Who needs a finger when you've got a penis?"
But not everything he says is out of the Fisherman's Yogi Berra manual. Here are some of the funny things he said that don't require such context: Neal "What do a nine-volt battery and a woman's ass have in common? You're going to eventually put your tongue on both."
Neal "The Alaska state motto is, 'When you leave here you're ugly again.'"
Drew "I think I saw one hot girl at that strip club."
Neal "Yeah, I think Alaska has a hot girl behind every tree."
Tucker "What? This is tundra up here. I haven't seen a tree yet."
Neal "Alaska has no trees."
Tucker "I think that dude's retarded."
Neal "If not, he had no excuse."
Neal "I knew it wouldn't go well with my first wife."
Bunny "Then why'd you marry her?"
Neal "She was thin."