"Are they doing some kind of work out there?" Dr. Cuvo wondered as he rose out of the chair and went over to his window. He closed the curtains as though that would help m.u.f.fle the sound of the construction. "I'm sorry about that, Kristen. It is really loud." Dr. Cuvo returned to the chair next to mine. "I bet it's hard with you all the way over here and him in California."

I nodded to humor him.

"Does he know that you are in the hospital?"

"Probably not, unless my Mom told him," I said.

The pain was sharp. I cringed as my lower stomach took its turn hitting the pain back to my lower abdomen. The pain felt as if the goal was to tear my insides apart.

"What is the relationship like between you and your father? How do you feel about him?"

The jackhammer must have hit something it wasn't supposed to, because all h.e.l.l seemed to break loose. I heard men shouting at each other outside. Something gushed out of me. I felt it push out of me with great pain. My stomach ached. I looked down at my hands that were between my thighs, and they were b.l.o.o.d.y.

Dr. Cuvo rose quickly from the chair beside me. "Kristen. Oh, my G.o.d. Ugh... umm... Just wait a second. Don't move. Please, don't move." He looked like he was going to throw up.

I stared at him. Reality was setting in. I sat still as he had told me to, embarra.s.sed.

Dr. Cuvo dialed someone from his office phone. I could hear Ms. Mosley on the other end. Dr. Cuvo was freaking out as if I were dying. He told her what had happened, and he asked her to come get me to take me back to the unit. He asked her to bring someone from maintenance. When he hung up the phone, he took a deep breath and looked up at me.

"Are you okay?" he finally asked me.

I nodded. I was too embarra.s.sed to look at him, or to say anything to him.

Not long after he hung up the phone, Ms. Mosley knocked on the door. Dr. Cuvo told her to come in. Ms. Mosley saw me and motioned for me to come to her. I stood up and walked to the door. The maintenance man saw the blood on the seat, and he covered his nose and mouth. I'd grossed him out, too. I could have been perfectly fine being dead at that moment. Dr. Cuvo said good bye without the offer of a handshake. He told me to take care, and that he'd see me tomorrow.

Ms. Mosley led me down the hallways that led back to the Adolescent Ward. Once on the unit, she told me to go to my room and that she'd be there. I did as she said. The unit was empty. So was the room. Janine was not there. Everyone must have been in group therapy. Ms. Mosley knocked on the door, which shocked me, before she entered. She had a tampon, a towel, soap, and a plastic bag.

"Here's a bag for your dirty clothes. Just tie the bag up and hand it to me. I will throw your clothes into the wash for you. Because you are not Level Three yet, I can't let you into that part of the facility. I am going to get on the phone today and find out where that nurse is who was supposed to come and do your blood work and help you clean up. I am sorry about this, Kristen. Are you okay?"

I nodded, silent and embarra.s.sed.

"Just try to clean up as best you can. You can change your clothes and take as much time as you need. Let me know if you need my help, or if you need anything."

She seemed nicer than I would have believed on the first day I had met her. I looked away from her, too embarra.s.sed and wanting to be far away.

"Don't worry. All of Dr. Cuvo's patients are female. Hey, at least he doesn't have a white couch." She smiled at me. She was trying to make me smile back.

"Okay then," she sighed. "I will let you take care of yourself. Your group is in Drugs and Alcohol Group right now. You'll probably just have to miss that group today. If you need anything, just come get me. I will be up front on the main unit." She left me alone in the room.

I went into the bathroom. I looked at the tile walls around me. The pain burned in my stomach. Tears fell from my eyes. I began to cry so hard that I heard myself groaning with my pitiful tears. I threw the tampon down. I took my fist and began beating it. I crushed it into the floor.

"No!" I screamed. "No! No! No!"

When the tampon was ruined, I stopped. I took a deep breath, wiped my eyes, and stared at what I had done. I hated him. That's how I felt about him, Dr. Cuvo. I hated him!

CHAPTER 13.

I waited as the phone rang. It seemed like forever before the ringing stopped. When the pulsing tones stopped, I got nervous. I almost hung up the phone, but my hand wouldn't take the receiver away from my ear. The area for phone calls was not private. It was at the counselor's desk on the main unit. There were chairs to sit in. I sat still with my legs folded, and I waited. The ringing stopped.

"h.e.l.lo?" A female voice came in from the other end.

I took a deep breath right into the phone. It made a loud, windy sound. "Uh, h.e.l.lo?"

"Yes," she said. She sounded impatient and annoyed.

I got on with it. "Can I speak to...? I mean, may I please speak to...uh..."

"Who do you want to speak to, honey?" I could hear in her voice that she was irritated and ready to hang up the phone.

"My dad," I forced myself to say. "May I please speak to Christian Elliott?"

I heard her yell, "Christian, pick up the phone! It's your kid!"

I heard a deep, m.u.f.fled voice in the background. I couldn't make out what he was saying. I pressed my ear harder to the phone.

"It's Kristen!" She sounded angry. "What is your problem? Take the telephone, Christian."

She took the phone away from her mouth. I could hear her yelling. He was yelling back at her. Then the phone was m.u.f.fled by something, probably her hand. I couldn't hear them clearly. Their words were distorted by the smother.

A few seconds later, there was just silence. It was so quiet that I thought she might have hung up on me. I called out softly, "h.e.l.lo?"

There was no sound.

"h.e.l.lo?"

A hard sigh came from the other end.

"Dad..."

"Hi," he calmly said.

"Hey," I said, in relief. "It's me, Kristen." I was smiling. I wondered if he could hear me smiling through the phone. I wished that he could see me.

He didn't say anything.

"Well, I was just calling to say hi. I want to know how you are doing." I was still nervous, but he couldn't know that.

"That's nice."

I felt the metal ball that rested in my chest begin to turn. I took a deep swallow to keep it from rising. "Well, how are you doing?"

"I am doing just fine," he a.s.sured me.

I heard him take a bite of something crunchy. He was smacking his lips and crunching down on whatever it was that he was eating. I heard the television blaring in the background. He was watching something with an annoying laugh track that seemed to go off every second. It must have been an extremely funny show, even though he didn't seem to be amused.

"Um, I am doing better now," I told him.

He didn't respond.

I coughed. "Yeah, I was sick for a little while." My hands were shaking and I could feel drops of sweat forming under my arms and in the palms of my hands. I scratched the back of my neck, making it bleed. I wiped the blood and sweat on my jeans.

He continued to crunch.

"Dad?"

His voice came in suddenly, like the sound of unexpected thunder crashing nearby. "Look, Kristen, I don't have any money, if that's what you are calling for. I just got out of rehab two weeks ago. I just don't-"

"No!" I yelled. "That is not why I am calling you."

The tears started building up. I tried not to cry. Geoffrey and Ms. Mosley were behind the desk. I didn't want them to hear me.

"Then what do you want?" He was yelling at me.

"I only want to talk to you," I cried.

"Please," he sighed. "Just stop crying. I know it's been a while. I just got out of rehab. When I get my job back, I will send you some money if you need it. Did your mother tell you to call me?"

"No," I said.

I covered my mouth with my hand to keep myself from crying out. I leaned against the back of the chair and unfolded my legs. I moved the phone away from my mouth and wiped my eyes as fast as I could before anyone could notice. I heard the others coming back onto the unit. A few of them were leaning over the desk, asking to use the phone. Janine was one of them. When I looked up, I saw her leaning over the desk. She looked down at me. I covered half of my face with my hand to block out her staring at me. I didn't want her to see. I wished everyone would go away.

"What's that noise?" he asked.

"Nothing," I lied.

I looked back up, and Janine was gone. Two other kids were talking on the phone and sitting in the other chairs. I saw other kids waiting for one of us to hang up so that they could make their phone calls.

"Okay. I have to go. I just wanted to...bye."

I handed the phone over to Geoffrey. Without saying a word, I got up out of the chair and ran to the Girls' Unit. I could hear the kid who was next in line yell to Geoffrey to dial his dad for him. I didn't know why I had asked Geoffrey to dial my father in California. I wanted to tell my father that I was in the hospital, but it didn't seem like a good idea. Once I got in my room, I threw myself on my bed and buried my head under my pillow, where no one could hear me cry.

CHAPTER 14.

There was a knock on the door. Before I woke up to realize that I wasn't dreaming about someone knocking on the door, Ms. Mosley was standing over me. She scared me.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you. If you're hungry, there's food. Geoffrey brought your lunch on the unit for you. I know you are not feeling well, but you need to eat."

My stomach growled.

"Come to the front area," Ms. Mosley encouraged.

I rose out of bed and followed her. My head was swimming in pain, but the cramps in my abdomen were worse.

When I arrived on the main unit, I sat at the table where Geoffrey had placed my food. I thanked him, and he told me that it was not a problem. When I saw the food, I couldn't help but immediately tear into it. I was glad that none of the other kids were here. I felt dirty. I needed a bath. It was disgusting to think about what had happened in Dr. Cuvo's office. That made everything worse. I tried not to think about it. I was just going to eat my lunch and go back to the room to lie down. Ms. Mosley surely wasn't going to make me to go group therapy and meetings in my condition. At least I hoped that she wouldn't.

I bit into the triangular shaped peanut b.u.t.ter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread, and I felt the table shake. I looked up. Geoffrey had sat down next to me.

He greeted me with a smile.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I said in almost a whisper.

I placed my sandwich down on the tray. Nervously, I looked away from Geoffrey's unfamiliar stare.

He started drumming his fingers on the table. His presence at the table, mixed with my embarra.s.sment and the silence around us, became annoying. I wished he had left me alone.

I looked at him. He stopped drumming his fingers.

"So," he started, "You're taking my group today."

"What's your group?" I asked.

"Drug and Alcohol Group. It is moderated by Dr. Pelchat, but I help out."

"I don't know if my group has that today," I said.

My stomach started growling again. I picked up my sandwich and took a bite. I was embarra.s.sed to eat in front of him. It felt like we were in school. He looked young. He didn't look much older than me.

"You're in Group Two?"

I nodded. I was too hungry to speak. I got down to the last bite of my sandwich and then reached for the small pint of whole milk that sat next to the tray.

"Yeah, okay, so you have that group today," he said.

I drank all of my milk and put the empty carton back down on the table. Geoffrey looked at me as if he was in awe.

"Wow, you must have been really hungry," he said. "You eat like that in school?"

"I don't go to school."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I home school. I used to go to a public school, but I don't go there anymore."

"Really?" He looked at me differently. "Do you like that better?"