DAY 198 - FRIDAY 1 FEBRUARY 2002.

9.00 am Among those on the paper chase today is a young man who has not yet celebrated his thirtieth birthday, but has been to jail eighteen times. He's a small-time burglar, who has and this is the important point no fear of prison. For him it's a temporary inconvenience in his chosen career. Because he has no record of violence or involvement with drugs, he's rarely sentenced to more than six months. He spends a few days in an A-cat, before being transferred to a D-cat, open prison. NSC provides him with three meals a day, a room and the company of fellow professionals. When he leaves, he will go on stealing until he is caught again. He will then be arrested, sentenced and return to NSC, the nearest D-cat to his home in Boston. 20 He earns between fifty and a hundred thousand a year (no taxes), according to how many months he spends 'on the out' in any particular year.

Mr Hocking (head of security) tells me that this young man has a long way to go before he can beat Greville the cat burglar, who left NSC last year at the age of sixty-three, declaring he now had enough to retire on.

During a full-time career of crime, Greville was sentenced on thirty-one occasions (not a record) and preferred NSC, where he was always appointed as reception orderly within days of checking back in. So professional was he at his chosen occupation that if there was a burglary in his area, with absolutely no trace of entry, fingerprints or any other clues, the local police immediately paid a visit to Greville's home. Greville has since retired to a seaside bungalow to live off his profits, and tend his garden. And thereby hangs another tale, which Mr Hocking swears is true.

Greville was the prime suspect when some valuable coins went missing from a local museum. A few days later, the police received an anonymous tip-off reporting that Greville had been seen burying something in the garden. A team of police arrived within the hour and started digging; they were there for five days, but found nothing.

Greville later wrote and thanked the chief constable for the excellent job his men had done in turning over his soil, particularly for the way they'd left everything so neat and tidy.

2.30 pm I have my hair cut by the excellent prison barber, Gary (half a phonecard). I want to look smart for my visitors on Sunday.

3.00 pm Friday is kit change day for every inmate.

The hospital has its own allocated time because we require twenty new towels, six sheets, twelve pillowcases and several different items of cleaning equipment every week.

While the chief orderly, Mark (armed robbery, ten years), selects a better cla.s.s of towel for the hospital, he tells me about an inmate who has just come in for his weekly change of clothes.

This particular prisoner works on the farm, and never takes his clothes off from one week to the next, not even when he goes to bed. He has a double room to himself because, surprise, surprise, no one is willing to share a pad with him. Mark wonders if he does it just to make sure he ends up with a single room. I find it hard to believe anyone would be willing to suffer that amount of discomfort just to ensure they were left alone.

Before you ask, because I did, the Prison Service cannot force him to wash or shave. It would violate his human rights.

DAY 199 - SAt.u.r.dAY 2 FEBRUARY 2002.

9.24 am Mr Berlyn drops by. He's agreed to Linda's suggestion that a drug specialist visit the prison to give me an insight into the problems currently faced by young children in schools. But Mr Berlyn goes one step further and tells me about an officer from Stocken Prison who regularly visits schools in East Anglia to tell schoolchildren why they wouldn't want to end up in prison, and it may be possible for me, once I've pa.s.sed my FLED, to accompany him and learn about drugs first-hand. If my sentence is cut, I would be allowed to visit schools immediately, rather than going through the whole learning process after my appeal.

11.00 am Sister is just about to close surgery, when a very depressed-looking inmate hobbles in.

'I've caught the crabs,' he says, his hand cupped around the top of his trousers.

Sister unlocks the door to the surgery and lets him in. He looks anxious, and Linda appears concerned. He slowly unzips his jeans, in obvious pain, and places his hands inside.

Linda and I stare as he slowly uncups his hands to reveal two small, live crabs, which he pa.s.ses across to Linda. She recoils, while I burst out laughing, aware that we will be the b.u.t.t of prison humour for some weeks to come.

'Oh my G.o.d,' says Linda, as she stares down at his unzipped jeans, 'I don't like the look of that. I think I'll have to take a blood sample.'

The inmate rushes out of the door, his jeans falling around his knees. Honour restored, except that he has the last laugh, because it's the hospital orderly (me) who ends up taking the two crabs back down to the sea.

2.00 pm An inmate was caught in the visitors' car park in possession of two grammes of heroin. On the outside, two grammes of heroin have a street value of 80. Inside prison, each gramme will be converted into ten points, and each point will be made into three sales. Each sale will be one-third heroin and two-thirds crushed paracetamol, which can be picked up any day from the hospital by a prisoner simply claiming to have a headache. Each sale is worth 5, so the dealer ends up with 300 for two grammes, almost four times the market price.

Some dealers are happy to remain in prison because they can make more money inside than they do 'on the out'. The inmate concerned claims a man who was visiting another prisoner handed him a packet in the car park. The head of security is aware who the visitor was, but can't charge him because he wasn't caught in the act. He also knows which prisoner the heroin was destined for, but he's also in the clear because he never received it.

DAY 200 - SUNDAY 3 FEBRUARY 2002.

5.00 am I rise early and write for two hours.

2.00 pm My visitors today are my son Will and Chris Beetles. Will takes me through the preparations for my appeal on sentence, which are almost complete as both pieces of research on perjury and an attempt to pervert the course of justice show that eighteen months would historically be a high tariff for a first offender. Chris brings me up to date on everything that's happening in the art world.

4.00 pm At Club Hospital's Sunday afternoon tea party, David (fraud, schoolmaster) reveals that Brian (ostrich farm fraud) and John (fraud) are both having trouble since being released. Brian is waking in the middle of the night, sweating because he's frightened he won't make it back in time for the 7 pm check-in and John is stressed because he hasn't been able to find a job.

6.00 pm Once the club members have left, I settle down to make myself some supper. In a large soup bowl (a gift from William), I place the contents of a tin of Princes ham, two packets of Walkers crisps and an Oxo cube; hot water is then poured on top. What a combination. I eat while reading Street Drugs by Andrew Tyler, which is my set text for the week.

The food is wonderful, the book harrowing.

DAY 201 - MONDAY 4 FEBRUARY 2002.

9.00 am A young lad from the north block, who only has two weeks to serve of a three-month sentence, has been found in his room with his head in a noose made from a sheet hanging from the end of his bed. The slightly built lad, who must be about twenty-one, reminds me of the boy having sand kicked into his face in those Charles Atlas advertis.e.m.e.nts I saw when I was a child. He is taken to the hospital to be interviewed by Mr Berlyn, Dr Harris and sister behind closed doors. He's certain to be placed on red suicide watch, with an officer checking on him every thirty minutes.

Mr Berlyn tells me that they've never had a suicide at NSC because if a prisoner is that desperate, he usually absconds. The real problem arises in closed prisons from which there is no escape. There were seventy-three suicides in prisons last year and not one of them was at a D-cat.

Just as Mr Berlyn leaves, the lad who wets his bed reappears with a black bag containing two more sheets. I supply him with two clean sheets and he leaves looking even more helpless than the suicide case; you'd never think this was a men's prison.

2.00 pm I watch four videos on the subject of heroin.

I'm slowly gaining more knowledge about drugs through reading, videos and my dayto-day work as hospital orderly, but I still have no first-hand experience. I go over to see David in the CARAT (Counselling, a.s.sessment, Referral, Advice, Through-care) office. He is willing to let me attend one of his drug counselling sessions, as long as the other partic.i.p.ants agree, because I'll be the only one who isn't currently, and never has been, an addict.

6.00 pm I attend the drug rehab discussion in the CARAT office. David asks the five other inmates if any of them object to my presence.

They all seem pleased that I've taken the trouble to attend.

David opens the discussion by asking if they feel that once they are released they'll be able to resist going back on drugs, and in particular heroin. One of them is adamant that he will never touch a drug again. His relationship with those he loves has been ruined, and he wonders if anyone will ever be willing to employ him. He tells the group that he had reached the stage where he would steal from anyone, including his own family, to make sure he got his fix, and just before he was arrested, he needed four fixes a day to satisfy his addiction.

The next partic.i.p.ant says that his only thought on waking was how to get his first fix. Once he'd begged, borrowed or stolen the 20 needed, he'd go in search of a dealer. As soon as he'd got his half gramme of heroin, he'd run back to his house and, often with his wife and two children in the next room, he would place the powder in a large tablespoon, to which he would add water and the juice from any citrus fruit. He would then stir the mixture until he had a thick brown liquid, which he would pour onto a piece of aluminium foil and then warm it with a match. He would then sniff it up through a straw. One of the inmates b.u.t.ts in and adds that he preferred to smoke it. However, all of them agree that the biggest kick came when you injected it. The lad from Scarborough then lifts the sleeve of his denim jacket and his trouser leg, and declares, 'That gets difficult when there are no veins left to inject.'

The one who so far hasn't said a word chips in for the first time. He tells us that he's been off heroin for five weeks and still can't sleep, and what makes it worse is that his room-mate snores all through the night.

The dealer jumps in. 'You'll start getting to sleep after about eight weeks, and then it gets better and better each day until you're back to normal.'

I ask what he means by that.

'Once you're an addict, you don't need a fix to make you feel good, you need one just so you can return to normal. That's when you become a "smack head in between fixes you start shaking, and the worse you are the more desperate you become to return to normal. And, Jeff,' he adds, 'if you're planning to talk about the problem in schools, you should start with the eleven year olds, because by fourteen, it's too late.

In Scarborough, good-looking, well-broughtup, well-educated fourteen-year-old girls approach me all the time for their daily fix.'

The last person to partic.i.p.ate is another dealer, who claims he only dealt because the profits allowed him to finance his own drug addiction. From eight in the morning to ten at night, his mobile would ring with a nonstop flow of requests from customers. He a.s.sures me that he's never needed to solicit anyone. He tells the groups that he's been off heroin for nearly seven months, and will never deal in, or take drugs, again. I don't feel that confident after he adds that he can earn 1,000 a day as a seller. He ends the session with a statement that takes me but no one else in the room by surprise.

'Nearly all my friends are in jail or dead.'

He's thirty-one years old.

DAY 202 - TUESDAY 5 FEBRUARY 2002.

7.00 am I put my pen down after a couple of hours of writing to switch on the Today programme.

Britain is in the middle of a rail strike.

There's no station at North Sea Camp.

9.00 am Two of the inmates who attended last night's drugs counselling meeting are up on a 'nicking'. Once the doctor has p.r.o.nounced them fit, they will attend an adjudication chaired by Governor Leighton. One of them tested positive for cannabis on his latest MDT, and adds ruefully that he expects to be shipped out to a B-cat prison later today. Now I know why he hardly spoke at yesterday's meeting.

He also looks as if he didn't sleep last night.

1.00 pm The newspapers are full of stories about David Blunkett's proposed prison reforms, which seem no more than common sense.

Anyone with a non-custodial sentence for a non-violent first offence will be placed on immediate tagging, with weekend custody, and possibly having to report to a police station every evening. For lesser offences, they would be tagged immediately, with a curfew of 7 pm to 7 am. A second offence and they would be sent to prison.

As of 1 February, the prison population stood at 67,978 and the prediction is that already overcrowded prisons will be under additional pressure following Lord Chief Justice Woolf's recent p.r.o.nouncement on mobile phone muggers.

4.00 pm Three more ma.n.u.scripts arrive in the post today with letters asking if I could critique them. Four publishers have turned one down; another says his wife, who is his sternest critic, thinks it's first cla.s.s, and the final one seeks my advice on vanity publishers. 21 4.20 pm One of today's inductees is a Mr T. Blair. He has been sentenced to six months for disturbing the peace, but with remission and tagging, expects to be released after only eight weeks. The other Mr T. Blair looks set to serve at least eight years.

4.37 pm I still marvel at what prisoners will have the nerve to ask sister for. Today, one inmate has demanded a bottle of aftershave because he has a skin problem. I'm about to burst out laughing, when Linda hands him a bottle and he leaves without another word.

'Why can't he buy one in the canteen?' I ask.

'You can't buy aftershave in the canteen,'

Linda reminds me, 'it contains alcohol, and several inmates would happily drink it.'

'But you've just given...'

'Non-alcoholic aftershave supplied especially for prison hospitals. On your day of release,' Linda reminds me, 'any prisoner can demand a free needle to inject himself with heroin, as well as a packet of condoms.'

DAY 203 - WEDNESDAY 6 FEBRUARY 2002.

9.00 am I can't believe how stupid some people can be.

On Monday I attended a CARAT meeting where one of the partic.i.p.ants told everyone present that he had given up drugs. On Tuesday the same man comes up in front of the governor for failing an MDT for cannabis.

Seven days were added to his sentence, and he told me he considered himself lucky not to be shipped out. Last night the same man was caught on his way back from Boston in possession of a plastic bag full of drugs that included cannabis and heroin. He was locked up in the segregation cell overnight, and will be shipped out this morning to a B-cat with a further twenty-one days added to his sentence.

His stupidity is not the only aspect of this incident worth considering. If he'd been caught with such an a.s.signment of drugs 'on the out' he would have been sentenced to at least seven years, but as his sentence is already fourteen, he gets away with twentyone days added. It's just another pointer to the drugs problem this country is currently facing.

11.00 am Mary has a piece in Peterborough that she came across on the Web. It makes me laugh so much it's simply better to reproduce it rather than attempt any precis. (See below.) Woman of substance Lady Archer's sense of humour is alive and well. The fragrant chemist has just submitted a "hazardous materials data sheet" to the Chemistry at Cambridge newsletter.

"Element: woman. Symbol: Wo.

Discoverer: Adam.

Atomic ma.s.s: accepted as 55kg but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg. Occurrence: found in large quant.i.ties in urban areas, with trace elements in outlying regions.

Physical properties: boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason. Melts if given special treatment, bitter if used incorrectly. Chemical properties: affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.

The most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Common use: highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Hazards: highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other."

The Telegraph also publishes the results of a poll on Mr Blunkett's recent p.r.o.nounce-ments that non-violent, first-offence prisoners should be able, where possible, to continue their work while reporting into jails in the evenings and at weekends; 83 per cent say 'keep them locked up', while only 12 per cent feel the Home Secretary is right to consider legislation along these more realistic lines. I must confess that before I'd been to prison, I would have been among the 83 per cent.

7.00 pm I phone Mary, who tells me before I can get beyond 'h.e.l.lo' that Baroness Nicholson has finally issued a statement in which she offers a grudging apology. (See below.) Baroness Nicholson wishes to make it quite clear that at no time did she intend to suggest that Lord Archer had personally misappropriated money raised by the Simple Truth appeal.

Indeed, it had not occurred to her to think that it might have been possible for Lord Archer to gain access to funds raised by the British Red Cross. If tho inference was drawn that she was accusing Lord Archer of having stolen Simple Truth money from the British Red Cross, she regrets the misunderstanding and regrets any upset that may have been caused to Lord Archer's family.

DAY 204 - THURSDAY 7 FEBRUARY 2002.

9.00 am Mr Berlyn strides in at a brisk pace. After a few minutes ensconced with sister in her office, he emerges to tell me that the Home Office has issued an 'overcrowding' draft, as all the prisons in the north of England are fully occupied. Result: we will be getting ten new inmates today, and will be 'surplus to our manifest' of 213. Here at NSC we are already seeing those overcrowding statistics translated into reality.

Mr Berlyn has directed that two inmates will have to be billeted in the hospital overnight. I fear I will be experiencing a lot of this during the next few weeks, and I may without warning have to share heaven with some other sinners. However, as six inmates are being released tomorrow, this might be only temporary.

12.07 pm Linda and Gail charge out of the hospital carrying an oxygen cylinder and two first-aid boxes. All I'm told is that a staff member has fallen off a ladder. On the intercom it's announced that all security officers must report to the south block immediately. It's like being back in an A-cat where this was a daily occurrence. Prisoners tell me that in Nottingham ambulances were more common than Black Marias.

A few minutes later Linda and Gail return with a shaven-headed officer covered in blood. It seems that he leaned back while climbing a ladder and overbalanced, landing on the concrete below. No prisoner was involved.

I quickly discover that a small head wound can spurt so much blood that it appears far worse than it is. When Linda has finished cleaning up her patient and I've given him a cup of tea (only the English), he's smiling and making light of the whole episode. But Linda still wants to dispatch him to the Pilgrim Hospital for st.i.tches to the scalp wound, and both she as hospital sister, and Mr Hocking, head of security, have to fill in countless forms, showing that no prisoner was responsible.

6.00 pm I read another chapter of Street Drugs, this time to learn more about crack cocaine, its properties and its consequences. It's quite difficult not to accept the argument that some young people, having experimented with one drug and got a kick out of it, might wish to progress to another, simply to discover if the sensation is even more exciting.

10.00 pm Only one of the extra two inmates allocated to spend the night in the hospital appears at my door, a blanket and sheet under his arm.

It seems they found a bed for the other arrival. He's very quiet, despite the fact that he's being released tomorrow. He slips into bed and simply says, 'Goodnight, Jeff.'

Am I that frightening?

DAY 205 - FRIDAY 8 FEBRUARY 2002.

5.30 am 'What do you think you're doing, you f.u.c.king d.i.c.khead?'

I'm about to explain to my overnight companion that I write for a couple of hours every morning, but when I turn to face him, I realize he's still fast asleep. It's the first occasion someone's sworn in front of me for a long time, even in their sleep, and it brings back memories of Belmarsh and Wayland. I continue writing until seven, when I have to wake him.

'Morning, Jeff,' he says.

By the time I emerged from the bathroom, he's disappeared his sheets and pillowcases folded neatly at the end of the bed. By now he'll be in reception, signing his discharge papers, and by eight-thirty will be on his way, a free man. 22 2.00 pm Our two new inductees today are somewhat unusual, and not just because they're both lifers (we now have 23 lifers out of 210 occupants). The first one tells me that he's been in jail for twenty-three years and he's only thirty-nine. The second one limps into the hospital and spends a considerable time with sister behind closed doors.

Later, when I take his blood pressure and check his weight, he tells me that he's already served fourteen years, and two years ago he contracted encephalitis. Once I've filled in his chart and handed it to Linda, I look up encephalitis in the medical dictionary. Poor fellow. Life imprisonment he may deserve, encephalitis he does not.

DAY 206 - SAt.u.r.dAY 9 FEBRUARY 2002.

2.00 pm Mary and James visit me today, and it's far from being a social event. Mary even has a written agenda. I do adore her.

On the domestic front, she has purchased a small Victorian mirror for the hall, and seeks my approval. She goes on to tell me that Baroness Nicholson has written saying that she wants to end the feud, claiming that she never intended anyone to think that I had misappropriated any funds in the first place. In which case, how did I end up in a cell three paces by five, banged up for fourteen hours a day at Wayland, if the police and Prison Service misunderstood her?23 As for the prejudice of Mr Justice Potts, it remains to be seen whether G.o.dfrey Barker is still willing to make a witness statement.

He has confirmed, on many occasions, in the presence of several witnesses, that Potts, at a dinner party he and his wife attended, railed against me for some considerable time.

4.00 pm When my name is called over the tannoy to report to reception, I a.s.sume that James has left something for me at the gate. I've been expecting a dozen West Wing tapes that will first have to go to the library before I can take them out. My gift turns out to be eight tapes, twelve CDs and three DVDs, not from James, but from an anonymous member of the public, so I can't even write to thank them.

Someone else has sent seven books of first-cla.s.s stamps and a packet of stamped envelopes, after hearing how many letters I'm receiving every day. Mr Garley, the duty officer, explains that I can't have the stamps (could be exchanged for drugs), but I can have the stamped envelopes (prison logic).