"Okay, Alison," Brandon said, "why don't you tell me-"

She held up her index finger, stopping him. A minute later, Tony set her martini down in front of her. She picked it up. Started to drink. Kept drinking. Drained the glass. Smacked it down in front of her. Tony's eyes widened with surprise.

"Don't just stand there," she snapped. "Bring me another one."

Tony spun around and did as he was told. Alison slowly turned to face Brandon. "So, Brandon," she said with eerie sweetness. "Would you like me to tell you about the man you set me up with?"

No, ma'am, I most certainly would not. "Uh...sure. Go ahead."

"You set me up with a man," she said, "who decided tonight that he definitely wants to go through with his sex change operation."

For at least the count of five, those words refused to penetrate Brandon's skull. They just meandered around, looking for an entry point, but the door to his brain was locked solid.

"Come again?" he said.

"Sex change operation," Alison snapped. "What part of that do you not understand?"

"I understand what a sex change operation is," Brandon said. "But Zach? No way. The man plays rugby, for God's sake."

"Manly sport notwithstanding, he wants to be a woman, and he wants to be one now."

"No," Brandon said, shaking his head wildly. "No way. That's just weird."

"You think that's weird? That's not weird. That's the normal part. You haven't heard anything yet."

"There's more?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm just getting started."

Tony set another martini down in front of Alison. She drank half of it in one gulp.

"Wait a minute," Brandon said. "If he's going to have a sex change operation, then he's interested in men. So why did he agree to go out with you?"

"Ah," Alison said, holding up her index finger. "That's where the freak show begins."

Brandon braced himself. This was definitely going to be one for the record books.

"Wrap your brain around this," Alison said. "He wants to become a woman, and then he wants to date women."

For the span of several seconds, Brandon looked at her dumbly. When light finally dawned, his eyes shot open wide.

"Are you telling me the man is having a sex change operation so he can become a lesbian?"

"Wow. You catch on fast. It took me a full minute to get it."

"No. No way. You're making this up. You have to be making this up."

Alison held up her palm. "As God is my witness, the man wants nothing to do with penises, his or anyone else's, ever again. See, he told me he's always felt that penises were very threatening. Even his own. Every time he gets an erection-"

"Alison!" Brandon said. "You want to spare me here? Just a little?"

"Hey, all you have to do is hear about it. I had to live through it."

"I'm sorry. I had no idea. My grandmother met him at one of his agency's cancer research benefits and added him to her database. He looked perfect on paper, so I met with him face-to-face. I asked him every question I could possibly think of."

"Here's a question you forgot. How about, 'Hey, Zach. About your sexuality. Have you ever considered becoming a woman and then dating women?'"

Brandon sighed. "Guess I'd better add that to the questionnaire."

"At this rate, the damned thing is going to be twenty pages long."

"I still don't get what he hoped to accomplish by going out with a woman while he's still a man." Brandon winced. "Did I just say that?"

"He said he was still denying wanting the operation right up to the moment he went out with me. When he met me-get this-he said it made him realize how much he wants to become a lesbian. I think there's a compliment in there somewhere. I'll let you know when I find it."

"I can't believe you hung around long enough to hear all that."

"You don't understand. I was stunned into paralysis. Not that I have anything against lesbians, but I'd have to fall out of a closet if I were going to marry one."

"Speaking of that," Brandon said, "I really don't get it. What's your rush to get married? You're still young."

"Thirty-one is not young. Look at these crow's feet around my eyes," she said, pointing. "I'm getting gray hair. And I can practically feel my eggs drying up." She sighed. "Sorry. Inappropriate. Forgot you weren't a woman."

"No problem. After this evening, I think we're all a little gender confused."

Alison took another long sip of her martini and then set it down with a bodyheaving sigh. "You realize if I were still paying you for the privilege of going on dates like this, this might be the time I'd ask for my money back. For real."

"I know you find this hard to believe," Brandon said, "but I'm actually pretty good at matchmaking. I've missed a few times, but it's been normal missing. They just didn't have the right chemistry. Nothing like this. I mean, nothing."

Alison let out a dejected sigh. "Then maybe it's me."

"You? How can it be you? I'm the one picking the men."

"You don't understand. I'm cursed. My love life has always been crazy like this. You just got caught in the vortex."

"So you've had dates before now that were a little strange, too?"

"A little strange? Get this. I thought my last boyfriend was going to propose, and instead he wanted to know if I'd arrange a threesome for us with a friend of mine."

Brandon just sat there, dumbstruck.

"I can't believe I just told you that." She looked down at her glass. "Thank you, vodka."

"What else?" Brandon asked. "Now that the vodka is talking."

"Well, let's see. There was the guy I dated for two years who owned a Harley dealership and decided he was gay." She paused. "Wow. Plain old gay sounds like no big deal after what happened tonight, huh?"

"He owns a Harley dealership and he's gay?"

"Zach plays Rugby and he wants a sex change operation?"

Good point.

"Lemme ask you something, Brandon," Alison said, her words starting to run together.

"Yeah?"

"You think a person oughta go to a restaurant and blow his nose on a cloth napkin? Just a big ol' honk right there at the table?"

"That's gross."

"You bet your life it was. See, before I even met you, my dating life was filled with a gazillion million potholes. And I've hit every stinkin' one of them."

She drained the rest of martini number two, and then called out to Tony to bring her number three. He walked over and eyed her carefully.

"I don't know," he said. "You might want to slow down on those."

"Oh, hell, no. I'm just getting started."

"You can't hold your alcohol." Tony turned to Brandon. "She does crazy things when she drinks too much."

"I do not."

"Yeah? Remember the state fair incident?"

"Hey!" Alison said. "I thought we agreed not to talk about that!"

"I'm just saying that sometimes when you drink-"

"Tony?"

He stopped short. "Yeah?"

She leaned in. "If you don't bring me another martini, I'm going to tell Heather what really happened to that god-awful shirt she bought you on your birthday, and it had nothing to do with spilled motor oil."

Tony's eyes widened. "Oh. Well, then. Martini number three coming right up."

As he walked away, Brandon said, "Wow. You play hardball."

"Damn right. Nothing's worse than a bartender who won't bring you a drink." She paused. "Well, unless it's a man who wants to be a lesbian." She tilted her head, thinking. "I tried really hard to picture Zach as a woman. Couldn't do it. Maybe after about fifty rounds of electrolysis. And if he sucked in a little helium before he talked. Because he was a pretty hot guy, you know? I'm not so sure he'll be a hot woman, though. I'd have to think about that one."

A minute later, Tony brought Alison's martini, but he didn't set it down. "You did walk here tonight, didn't you?"

"No, Tony. I drove my car, like, a block and a half. Of course I walked here."

"And I'm going to walk home with her," Brandon said.

Alison looked offended. "You don't have to do that, Brandon. I am not drunk."

"It has nothing to do with you being drunk. I just don't believe a lady should have to walk home alone after dark."

Alison frown rose into a rapturous smile. "Oh, that is so sweet!" She turned around and shook her finger at Tony. "I want you to go straight home tonight and tell Heather what a nice, nice man Brandon is. Emphasize the word nice." Alison leaned in and whispered loudly enough for half the bar to hear, "I'm afraid she doesn't like him very much."

Tony set her martini down in front of her. "Drink it slowly."

She made a face at him, picked up the glass, and took a long, gulping swallow. He rolled his eyes helplessly.

"You know what?" Alison said to Brandon. "Now that I think about it, it might not take sixty years. A man who wants to be a lesbian is pretty darned close to being funny already. What do you think?"

"Yeah. It's hilarious, all right."

"Wait a minute," Tony said. "A man who wants to be a lesbian?"

Brandon shook his head. "Don't ask."

"Yes, my date with Zach was indeed hilarious," Alison said. "I'm thinking it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. To anyone. Ever. And what a story, right? I bet not one woman in ten zillion has dated a male lesbian wannabe."

"And I'm so very proud to have set you up with him," Brandon said glumly.

"Nah," she said, waving her hand. "You just gave me what I wanted, right? Greg without a felony warrant, and David without a crazy ex-wife." She paused, giggling. "Except he's Zach without a penis."

Tony looked at Brandon. "You set her up with a man with no penis?"

"No, no, no," Alison said, waving her hand. "He has one for now. But he's scared of it. A man should not be scared of his own penis." She looked at Brandon. "So I think he's doing the right thing by getting rid of it, don't you?"

"God, no," Brandon said, cringing. "That's a bad idea. A very, very bad idea."

"So how about you, Tony?" Alison said. "If you were scared of your penis, wouldn't you just whack that sucker off?"

"Uh...I think I'm with Brandon on that."

"Men. God. They're so sensitive about their manhood. You don't see women freaking out over their vaginas." Then she looked distressed. "Oh, poor Zach. What if he's scared of his new vagina, too?"

Tony gave Brandon a look that said, Time for her to go.

"I think I'd like to get some fresh air," Brandon said to Alison. "There's a lot of that on the walk home. How about it?"

"But I haven't finished my drink yet. Hold on."

Brandon winced as she grabbed her martini glass and drained it. Then she slid off her bar stool and started for the door.

"Oops," she said spinning back around. "My purse. I need to pay-"

"My treat," Brandon said, tossing some bills on the bar. He grabbed her purse, then grabbed her as she wobbled hard to one side.

She was going to be so sorry in the morning.

"Take it easy there," he told her.