Gra.s.s For His Pillow.

By Lian Hearn.

1.

Shirakawa Kaede lay deeply asleep in the state close to unconsciousness that the Kikuta can deliver with their gaze. The night pa.s.sed, the stars paled as dawn came, the sounds of the temple rose and fell around her, but she did not stir. She did not hear her companion, Shizuka, call anxiously to her from time to time, trying to wake her. She did not feel Shizuka's hand on her forehead. She did not hear Lord Arai Daiichi's men as they came with increasing impatience to the veranda, telling Shizuka that the warlord was waiting to speak to Lady Shirakawa. Her breathing was peaceful and calm, her features as still as a mask's.

Toward evening the quality of her sleep seemed to change. Her eyelids flickered and her lips appeared to smile. Her fingers, which had been curled gently against her palms, spread.

Be patient. He will come for you.

Kaede was dreaming that she had been turned to ice. The words echoed lucidly in her head. There was no fear in the dream, just the feeling of being held by something cool and white in a world that was silent, frozen, and enchanted.

Her eyes opened.

It was still light. The shadows told her it was evening. A wind bell rang softly, once, and then the air was still. The day she had no recollection of must have been a warm one. Her skin was damp beneath her hair. Birds were chattering from the eaves, and she could hear the clip of the swallows' beaks as they caught the last insects of the day. Soon they would fly south. It was already autumn.

The sound of the birds reminded her of the painting Takeo had given her, many weeks before, at this same place, a sketch of a wild forest bird that had made her think of freedom; it had been lost along with everything else she possessed, her wedding robes, all her other clothes, when the castle at Inuyama burned. She possessed nothing. Shizuka had found some old robes for her at the house they had stayed in, and had borrowed combs and other things. She had never been in such a place before, a merchant's house, smelling of fermenting soy, full of people, whom she tried to keep away from, though every now and then the maids came to peep at her through the screens. She was afraid everyone would see what had happened to her on the night the castle fell. She had killed a man, she had lain with another, she had fought alongside him, wielding the dead man's sword. She could not believe she had done these things. Sometimes she thought she was bewitched, as people said. They said of her that any man who desired her died-and it was true. Men had died. But not Takeo.

Ever since she had been a.s.saulted by the guard when she was a hostage in Noguchi Castle, she had been afraid of all men. Her terror of Iida had driven her to defend herself against him, but she had no fear of Takeo. She had only wanted to hold him closer. Since their first meeting in Tsuwano, her body had longed for his. She had wanted him to touch her, she had wanted the feel of his skin against hers. Now, as she remembered that night, she understood with renewed clarity that she could marry no one but him, she would love no one but him. I will be patient, I will be patient, she promised. But where had those words come from? she promised. But where had those words come from?

She turned her head slightly and saw Shizuka's outline on the edge of the veranda. Beyond the woman rose the ancient trees of the shrine. The air smelled of cedars and dust. The temple bell tolled the evening hour. Kaede did not speak. She did not want to talk to anyone, or hear any voice. She wanted to go back to that place of ice where she had been sleeping.

Then, beyond the specks of dust that floated in the last rays of the sun, she saw something: a spirit, she thought, yet not only a spirit, for it had substance; it was there, undeniable and real, gleaming like fresh snow. She stared, half rose, but in the moment that she recognized her, the White G.o.ddess, the all-compa.s.sionate, the all-merciful, was gone.

"What is it?" Shizuka heard the movement and ran to her side. Kaede looked at Shizuka and saw the deep concern in her eyes. She realized how precious this woman had become to her-her closest, indeed her only friend.

"Nothing. A half-dream."

"Are you all right? How do you feel?"

"I don't know. I feel..." Kaede's voice died away. She gazed at Shizuka for several moments. "Have I been asleep all day? What happened to me?"

"He shouldn't have done it to you," Shizuka said, her voice sharp with concern and anger.

"It was Takeo?"

Shizuka nodded. "I had no idea he had that skill. It's a trait of the Kikuta family."

"The last thing I remember is his eyes. We gazed at each other and then I fell asleep."

After a pause Kaede went on: "He's gone, hasn't he?"

"My uncle, Muto Kenji, and the Kikuta master Kotaro came for him last night," Shizuka replied.

"And I will never see him again?" Kaede remembered her desperation the previous night, before the long, deep sleep. She had begged Takeo not to leave her. She had been terrified of her future without him, angry and wounded by his rejection of her. But all that turbulence had been stilled.

"You must forget him," Shizuka said, taking Kaedes hand in hers and stroking it gently. "From now on, his life and yours cannot touch." Kaede smiled slightly. I I cannot forget him, cannot forget him, she was thinking. she was thinking. Nor can he ever be taken from me. I have slept in ice. I have seen the White G.o.ddess. Nor can he ever be taken from me. I have slept in ice. I have seen the White G.o.ddess.

"Are you all right?" Shizuka said again, with urgency. "Not many people survive the Kikuta sleep. They are usually dispatched before they wake. I don't know what it has done to you."

"It hasn't harmed me. But it has altered me in some way. I feel as if I don't know anything-as if I have to learn everything anew."

Shizuka knelt before her, puzzled, her eyes searching Kaede's face. "What will you do now? Where will you go? Will you return to In-uyama with Arai?"

"I think I should go home to my parents. I must see my mother.

I'm so afraid she died while we were delayed in Inuyama for all that time. I will leave in the morning. I suppose you should inform Lord Arai."

"I understand your anxiety," Shizuka replied, "but Arai may be reluctant to let you go."

"Then I shall have to persuade him," Kaede said calmly. "First I must eat something. Will you ask them to prepare some food? And bring me some tea, please."

"Lady." Shizuka bowed to her and stepped off the veranda. As she walked away Kaede heard the plaintive notes of a flute played by some unseen person in the garden behind the temple. She thought she knew the player, one of the young monks from the time when they had first visited the temple to view the famous Sesshu paintings, but she could not recall his name. The music spoke to her of the inevitability of suffering and loss. The trees stirred as the wind rose, and owls began to hoot from the mountain.

Shizuka came back with the tea and poured a cup for Kaede. She drank as if she were tasting it for the first time, every drop having its own distinct, smoky flavor against her tongue. And when the old woman who looked after guests brought rice and vegetables cooked with bean curd, it was as if she had never tasted food before. She marveled silently at the new powers that had been awakened within her.

"Lord Arai wishes to speak with you before the end of the day," Shizuka said. "I told him you were not well, but he insisted. If you do not feel like facing him now, I will go and tell him again."

"I am not sure we can treat Lord Arai in that fashion," Kaede said. "If he commands me, I must go to him."

"He is very angry," Shizuka said in a low voice. "He is offended and outraged by Takeo's disappearance. He sees in it the loss of two important alliances. He will almost certainly have to fight the Otori now, without Takeo on his side. He'd hoped for a quick marriage between you-"

"Don't speak of it," Kaede interrupted. She finished the last of the rice, placed the eating sticks down on the tray, and bowed in thanks for the food.

Shizuka sighed. "Arai has no real understanding of the Tribe-how they work, what demands they place on those who belong to them."

"Did he never know that you were from the Tribe?"

"He knew I had ways of finding things out, of pa.s.sing on messages. He was happy enough to make use of my skills in forming the alliance with Lord Shigeru and Lady Maruyama. He had heard of the Tribe, but like most people he thought they were little more than a guild. That they should have been involved in Iida's death shocked him profoundly, even though he profited from it." She paused and then said quietly, "He has lost all trust in me: I think he wonders how he slept with me so many times without being a.s.sa.s.sinated himself. Well, we will certainly never sleep together again. That is all over."

"Are you afraid of him? Has he threatened you?"

"He is furious with me," Shizuka replied. "He feels I have betrayed him-worse: made a fool out of him. I do not think he will ever forgive me." A bitter note crept into her voice. "I have been his closest confidante, his lover, his friend, since I was hardly more than a child. I have borne him two sons. Yet, he would have me put to death in an instant were it not for your presence."

"I will kill any man who tries to harm you," Kaede said. Shizuka smiled. "How fierce you look when you say that!"

"Men die easily." Kaede's voice was flat. "From the p.r.i.c.k of a needle, the thrust of a knife. You taught me that."

"But you are yet yet to use those skills, I hope," Shizuka replied, "though you fought well at Inuyama. Takeo owes his life to you." to use those skills, I hope," Shizuka replied, "though you fought well at Inuyama. Takeo owes his life to you."

Kaede was silent for a moment. Then she said in a low voice, "I did more than fight with the sword. You do not know all of it."

Shizuka stared at her. "What are you telling me? That it was you who killed Iida?" she whispered.

Kaede nodded. "Takeo took his head, but he was already dead. I did what you told me. He was going to rape me."

Shizuka grasped her hands. "Never let anyone know that! Not one of these warriors, not even Arai, would let you live."

"I feel no guilt or remorse," Kaede said. "I never did a less shameful deed. Not only did I protect myself but the deaths of many were avenged: Lord Shigeru; my kinswoman, Lady Maruyama, and her daughter; and all the other innocent people whom Iida tortured and murdered."

"Nevertheless, if this became generally known, you would be punished for it. Men would think the world turned upside down if women start taking up arms and seeking revenge."

"My world is already turned upside down," Kaede said. "Still, I must go and see Lord Arai. Bring me..." She broke off and laughed. "I was going to say, 'bring me some clothes,' but I have none. I have nothing!"

"You have a horse," Shizuka replied. "Takeo left the gray for you."

"He left me Raku?" Kaede smiled, a true smile that illuminated her face. She stared into the distance, her eyes dark and thoughtful.

"Lady?" Shizuka touched her on the shoulder.

"Comb out my hair and send a message to Lord Arai to say I will visit him directly."

IT was almost completely dark by the time they left the women's rooms and went toward the main guest rooms where Arai and his men were staying. Lights gleamed from the temple, and farther up slope, beneath the trees, men stood with flaring torches around Lord Shigeru's grave. Even at this hour people came to visit it, bringing incense and offerings, placing lamps and candles on the ground around the stone, seeking the help of the dead man who every day became more of a G.o.d to them.

He sleeps beneath a covering of jtame, Kaede thought, herself praying silently to Shigeru's spirit for guidance, while she pondered what she should say to Arai. She was the heir to both Shirakawa and Maru-yama; she knew Arai would be seeking some strong alliance with her, probably some marriage that would bind her into the power he was ama.s.sing. They had spoken a Kaede thought, herself praying silently to Shigeru's spirit for guidance, while she pondered what she should say to Arai. She was the heir to both Shirakawa and Maru-yama; she knew Arai would be seeking some strong alliance with her, probably some marriage that would bind her into the power he was ama.s.sing. They had spoken a few few times during her stay at Inuyama, and again on the journey, but Arai's attention had been taken up with securing the countryside and his strategies for the future. He had not shared these with her, beyond expressing his desire for the Otori marriage to take place. Once-a lifetime ago, it seemed now-she had wanted to be more than a p.a.w.n in the hands of the warriors who commanded her fate. Now, with the newfound strength that the times during her stay at Inuyama, and again on the journey, but Arai's attention had been taken up with securing the countryside and his strategies for the future. He had not shared these with her, beyond expressing his desire for the Otori marriage to take place. Once-a lifetime ago, it seemed now-she had wanted to be more than a p.a.w.n in the hands of the warriors who commanded her fate. Now, with the newfound strength that the icy icy sleep had given her, she resolved again to take control of her life. sleep had given her, she resolved again to take control of her life. I I need time, need time, she thought. she thought. I must do nothing rashly. I must go home before I make any decisions. I must do nothing rashly. I must go home before I make any decisions.

One of Arai's men-she remembered his name was Niwa- greeted her at the veranda's edge and led her to the doorway. The shutters all stood open. Arai sat at the end of the room, three of his men next to him. Niwa spoke her name and the warlord looked up at her. For a moment they studied each other. She held his gaze and felt powers strong pulse in her veins. Then she dropped to her knees and bowed to him, resenting the gesture yet knowing she had to appear to submit.

He returned her bow, and they both sat up at the same time.

Kaede felt his eyes on her. She raised her head and gave him the same unflinching look. He could not meet it. Her heart was pounding at her audacity. In the past she had both liked and trusted the man in front of her. Now she saw changes in his face. The lines had deepened around his mouth and eyes. He had been both pragmatic and flexible, but now he was in the grip of his intense desire for power.

Not far from her parents' home, the Shirakawa flowed through vast limestone caves where the water had formed pillars and statues. As a child she was taken there every year to worship the G.o.ddess who lived within one of these pillars under the mountain. The statue had a fluid, living shape, as though the spirit that dwelt within were trying to break out from beneath the covering of lime. She thought of that stone covering now. Was power a limy river calcifying those who dared to swim in it?

Arai's physical size and strength made her quail inwardly, reminding her of that moment of helplessness in Iida's arms, of the strength of men who could force women in any way they wanted. Never let them use that strength, Never let them use that strength, came the thought, and then: came the thought, and then: Always he armed. Always he armed. A taste came into her mouth, as sweet as persimmon, as strong as blood: the knowledge and taste of power. Was this what drove men to clash endlessly with each other, to enslave and destroy each other? Why should a woman not have that too? A taste came into her mouth, as sweet as persimmon, as strong as blood: the knowledge and taste of power. Was this what drove men to clash endlessly with each other, to enslave and destroy each other? Why should a woman not have that too?

She stared at the places on Arai's body where the needle and the knife had pierced Iida, had opened him up to the world he'd tried to dominate and let his life's blood leak away. I must never forget it, I must never forget it, she told herself. she told herself. Men also can he killed by women. I killed the most powerful warlord in the Three Countries. Men also can he killed by women. I killed the most powerful warlord in the Three Countries.

All her upbringing had taught her to defer to men, to submit to their will and their greater intelligence. Her heart was beating so strongly, she thought she might faint. She breathed deeply, using the skills Shizuka had taught her, and felt the blood settle in her veins.

"Lord Arai, tomorrow I will leave for Shirakawa. I would be very grateful if you will provide men to escort me home."

"I would prefer you to stay in the East," he said, slowly. "But that is not what I want to talk to you about first." His eyes narrowed as he stared at her. "Otoris disappearance: Can you shed any light on this extraordinary occurrence? I believe I have established my right to power. I was already in alliance with Shigeru. How can young Otori ignore all obligations to me and to his dead father? How can he disobey and walk away? And where has he gone? My men have been searching the district all day, as far as Yamagata. He's completely vanished."

"I do not know where he is," she replied. "I'm told he spoke to you last night before he left."

"Yes," she said simply. "He must have explained to you at least-"

"He was bound by other obligations." Kaede felt sorrow build within her as she spoke. "He did not intend to insult you." Indeed, she could not remember Takeo mentioning Arai to her, but she did not say this.

"Obligations to the so-called Tribe?" Arai had been controlling his anger, but now it burst fresh into his voice, into his eyes. He moved his head slightly, and she guessed he was looking past her to where Shizuka knelt in the shadows on the veranda. "What do you know of them?"

"Very little," she replied. "It was with their help that Lord Takeo climbed into Inuyama. I suppose we are all in their debt in that respect."

Speaking Takeo's name made her shiver. She recalled the feel of his body against hers, at that moment when they both expected to die.

Her eyes darkened, her face softened. Arai was aware of it, without knowing the reason, and when he spoke again she heard something else in his voice besides rage.

"Another marriage can be arranged for you. There are other young men of the Otori, cousins to Shigeru. I will send envoys to Hagi."

"I am in mourning for Lord Shigeru," she replied. "I cannot consider marriage to anyone. I will go home and recover from my grief." Will anyone ever want to marry me, knowing my reputation, Will anyone ever want to marry me, knowing my reputation, she wondered, and could not help following with the thought: she wondered, and could not help following with the thought: Takeo did not die. Takeo did not die. She had thought Arai would argue further, but after a moment he concurred. She had thought Arai would argue further, but after a moment he concurred.

"Maybe it's best that you go to your parents. I will send for you when I return to Inuyama. We will discuss your marriage then."

"Will you make Inuyama your capital?"

"Yes. I intend to rebuild the castle." In the flickering light his face was set and brooding. Kaede said nothing. He spoke again abruptly. "But to return to the Tribe: I had not realized how strong their influence must be. To make Takeo walk away from such a marriage, such an inheritance, and then to conceal him completely... to tell you the truth, I had no idea what I was dealing with." He glanced again toward Shizuka.

He will kill her, she thought. she thought. It's more than just anger at Takeo's disobedience: His self-esteem has been deeply wounded too. He must suspect Shizuka has been spying on him for years. It's more than just anger at Takeo's disobedience: His self-esteem has been deeply wounded too. He must suspect Shizuka has been spying on him for years. She wondered what happened to the love and desire that had existed between them. Had it all dissolved overnight? Did the years of service, the trust, and loyalty, all come to nothing? She wondered what happened to the love and desire that had existed between them. Had it all dissolved overnight? Did the years of service, the trust, and loyalty, all come to nothing?

"I shall make it my business to find out about them," he went on, almost as if he were speaking to himself. "There must be people who know, who will talk. I cannot let such an organization exist. They will undermine my power as the white ant chews through wood."

Kaede said, "I believe it was you who sent Muto Shizuka to me, to protect me. I owe my life to that protection. And I believe I kept faith with you in Noguchi Castle. Strong bonds exist between us and they shall be unbroken. Whoever I marry will swear allegiance to you. Shizuka will remain in my service and will come with me to my parents' home."

He looked at her then, and again she met his gaze with ice ice in her eyes. "It's barely thirteen months since I killed a man for your sake," he said. "You were hardly more than a child. You have changed..." in her eyes. "It's barely thirteen months since I killed a man for your sake," he said. "You were hardly more than a child. You have changed..."

"I have been made to grow up," she replied. She made an effort not to think of her borrowed robe, her complete lack of possessions. I am the heir to a great domain, I am the heir to a great domain, she told herself. She continued to hold his eyes until he reluctantly inclined his head. she told herself. She continued to hold his eyes until he reluctantly inclined his head.

"Very well. I will send men with you to Shirakawa, and you may take the Muto woman."

"Lord Arai." Only then did she drop her eyes and bow.

Arai called to Niwa to make arrangements for the following day, and Kaede bade him good night, speaking with great deference. She felt she had come out of the encounter well; she could afford to pretend that all power lay on his side.

She returned to the women's rooms with Shizuka, both of them silent. The old woman had already spread out the beds, and now she brought sleeping garments for them before helping Shizuka undress Kaede. Wishing them good night, she retired to the adjoining room.

Shizuka's face was pale and her demeanor more subdued than Kaede had ever known it. She touched Kaede's hand and whispered, "Thank you," but said nothing else. When they were both lying beneath the cotton quilts, as mosquitoes whined around their heads and moths fluttered against the lamps, Kaede could feel the other woman's body rigid next to hers, and knew Shizuka was struggling with grief. Yet, she did not cry.

Kaede reached out and put her arms around Shizuka, holding her closely without speaking. She shared the same deep sorrow but no tears came to her eyes. She would allow nothing to weaken the power that was coming to life within her.

2.

The next morning palanquins and an escort had been prepared for the women. They left as soon as the sun was up. Remembering the advice of her kinswoman Lady Maruyama, Kaede stepped delicately into the palanquin as though she were as frail and powerless as most women, but she made sure the grooms brought Takeo's horse from the stable and, once they were on the road, she opened the waxed paper curtains so she could look out.

The swaying movement was intolerable to her, and even being able to see did not prevent sickness from coming over her. At the first rest stop, at Yamagata, she was so dizzy she could hardly walk. She could not bear to look at food, and when she drank a little tea it made her vomit immediately. Her body's weakness infuriated her, seeming to undermine her newly discovered feeling of power. Shizuka led her to a small room in the rest house, bathed her face with cold water, and made her lie down for a while. The sickness pa.s.sed as quickly as it had come, and she was able to drink some red-bean soup and a bowl of tea.