Chapter Thirteen.

So Alone SUSIE BARELY HAD the car out of the driveway when her tears came. She had no idea where she was going, but didn't care. She had to get away. Get away from her mother who thought she was a monster.

At that last thought, Susie banged the steering wheel. Why, oh why, had she said those things to her mother? Why couldn't she have simply shut the hell up and pretend to like Roberto. It would have been easier, but she'd have to deny her relationship with Marlee. She'd done enough of that already. That's why she hadn't shut the hell up. No way was her mother or Bree or anyone else going to take Marlee away from her. She'd almost let Christy do that. Never again.

The mere thought of losing Marlee again set her waterworks flowing even harder. Would she have to choose? Choose between Marlee and her family? The ache began deep inside her chest. The sobs started from deep inside, too. When she couldn't catch her breath, she pulled the car over to the side of the road. She threw the gear shifter into park and turned off the headlights, so she'd be in complete darkness. She was just about to turn the car engine off, but pulled her hand back in time. Thankfully the rational part of her brain had asserted itself. If she turned the car off, she might not be able to get it started again.

After several long minutes, she recovered enough to take stock of where she was, a minor detail she hadn't paid the slightest attention to before. Ah, she was on C.R. 62 heading toward Clarksonville. She had unknowingly headed toward Marlee. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back on the headrest. What was she supposed to do now? Her mother's rejection had cut her heart to pieces. No one should be expected to think clearly with a shattered heart like hers.

"If my own mother can't accept me," Susie said out loud to the universe, "what am I supposed to do?" She pounded the steering wheel.

Susie thought about Marlee, her sweet tender Marlee. How could anyone hate that innocent blonde-haired, blue-eyed cutie? Susie's shoulders relaxed at the thought of Marlee's chiseled features and high-cheek bones, her oh-so-kissable lips and the way her body moved when she pitched, so strong, so athletic. And the smile. Susie never wanted to lose the special smile that was just for her.

Susie took a deep breath and wiped her eyes on her t-shirt sleeve.

Now what? Without really thinking, she turned the headlights back on and pulled the car onto the highway heading toward Clarksonville. She didn't want to drag Marlee into her mess, but she couldn't go home either, so she simply drove on without thinking.

What if I were to just drift into the other lane? They'd all think it was an accident. She let the car drift toward oncoming traffic, but when the wheels thunked on the raised reflectors dividing the road, she jerked the car back to her side. That wasn't what she wanted. She just wanted to go numb.

Mile after mile ticked by. Susie wondered if that was the way Christy had felt all those years. Alone. Nobody in her corner. Did Christy feel her family would be better off without her? Susie's tears started up again and before she could stop herself, she was sobbing so hard she was gasping for air. The hurt came from somewhere so deep inside that she felt like she was dying. Her rational self spotted a parking area ahead on the right. She pulled into it and remembered it was the same stupid parking area she'd pulled into the day she'd lost her mind and broken up with Marlee in May. Her brain barely registered the crowded parking area as she found a space. She threw the car in park and turned the headlights off. This time she consciously remembered to keep the engine running.

She couldn't get her sobs under control and was disgusted with herself. She inhaled in short gasps and then exhaled in a long moan. She'd heard pregnant woman on TV breathe like that when giving birth. If she hadn't been so miserable, she might have laughed at the comparison.

After an eternity, she finally caught her breath and laid her head back against the headrest exhausted. Somehow, impossibly, she stopped crying. She closed her eyes and tried to figure out what to do.

She jumped, her eyes flying open, when someone tapped on the window. She accidentally pressed the gas pedal down causing the engine to rev. A balding middle-aged man stood right outside the door. Reality came crashing in. She was at the parking area on C.R. 62, and it was late at night. She rolled the window down two inches.

"Hey," the man said, "I'm John Smith. Are you my date?"

"What?" Susie's confusion must have been obvious.

"Sorry, I'm a little late. Are you Lola?"

"What? No!" Her heart was pounding. She hit the car locks grateful that the doors were already locked. "Get out of here!" She shut the window as fast as she could. She turned the key to start the car, forgetting that it was already running. The piercing sound of metal on metal made her wince.

The man stood his ground. "Hey, c'mon. I already paid for this."

Susie had no idea what he was talking about and threw the car in reverse. She hit the gas not caring if she ran over his feet. Once clear of him, she shifted into drive too soon grinding the gears. She winced, but sped to the parking lot exit.

"C'mon, c'mon." She smacked the steering wheel, waiting for a car to pass by on the highway before she could pull out. She chanced a quick look behind her hoping he hadn't followed her on foot or something. No, thank God. He was standing in the now empty parking spot waving his arms around in anger. Two cars away from her newly-vacated spot, a feminine arm beckoned for him. He stopped his ranting and headed toward the car. Susie didn't wait to see what happened after that.

She pulled onto the road, her heart still pounding. She reached for her cell phone to check the time, but couldn't find it on the passenger seat where she usually threw it. She checked her pockets, but couldn't find it. When it wasn't in the center console or in the glove compartment or on the floor, it hit her. She had left the house so fast that she didn't have her cell phone on her. Or her wallet. In fact, she had no money at all. She didn't even have shoes on.

She took several deep breaths to calm her pounding heart. She had pulled into the parking area not considering that someone might bother her there. How naive. The parking area obviously turned into a very different kind of place at night. A place she never ever wanted to be near again.

An occasional passing car illuminated the dark road as she drove. Her heart had slowed down enough, so she could think, but Dios, she wished she had her cell phone. She'd call Christy. She'd tell her everything. Christy knew she was queer and had known for a long time. Christy was cool about it. She hadn't flipped out and accused Susie of being a freak of nature, like her mother had. She passed a Valero gas station with a convenience mart. There were at least seven cars in the parking lot. She'd never given it much thought before, but realized how lucky she was to have a safe and secure place to be at night. Her nerves jangled at the thought of that man tapping on her car window. What if he had been more aggressive? What if her car door had been unlocked?

She shuddered and tried to shake the icky feeling crawling all over her. She wished she knew what time it was. It had to be close to ten o'clock already. She sighed. She couldn't turn around and go home now. She couldn't face another round with her mother. Since she was already headed to Clarksonville, maybe she'd keep going and park behind D'Amico's Restaurant. Marlee worked on Sundays and would find her there. But then again, the cops might come by and ask questions. There was no other choice, really. She had to go to Marlee's. Maybe she could pull into the McAllister driveway quietly and not wake up Marlee or Marlee's mother. She could sleep in the car until morning.

Susie brightened at the thought of Marlee's smiling face when she spotted her in the driveway. Explaining her presence to Mrs.

McAllister might prove challenging, but she'd think of something. She'd once told Marlee that lies come with the territory of being queer. She sighed and set her sights on Clarksonville.

Without warning, the car started making weird noises. Maybe the gear crunching had done some real damage. She looked at the dashboard controls and realized her problem immediately. How long had the damn gas light been on? She had no time to formulate a plan, because the engine went silent, and she lost power in the steering wheel. The car had enough momentum that she was able to yank the steering wheel with all her might and pull the car onto the shoulder of the road.

"Aaaah!" she screamed in frustration as long as her lungs would allow and pounded the steering wheel at the same time. What was she supposed to do now? She smacked the steering wheel one last time and then folded her arms defiantly. What else could go wrong? She stared into the darkness trying to go numb.

Several long minutes passed as she sat in denial in her dead car on the side of C.R. 62. The last thing she wanted was for some state trooper to pick her up and force her parents to come get her. She had to get to Marlee, but how? She had no cell phone to call her. No money to pay a taxi. The Valero gas station--it wasn't too far back. Hopefully it was still open. Of course she had no shoes on. She'd run out of the house so fast, she hadn't put her crocs back on. Wait. Her softball gear was in the trunk. She could put her cleats on and walk in those. She was about to be excited that she'd solved one problem in her rapidly deteriorating life when she remembered that Sam had driven her to the game and her softball gear wasn't in the car, it was in her room.

"Aaaah!" she screamed into the blackness again. "What does it matter anyway?" What was she going to do at the gas station once she got there? She had no money to buy gas, and she didn't even have a gas can. She punched the dashboard this time, sparing the steering wheel, and when she did, she heard the distinct sound of coins jingling. The ashtray. She had a bunch of change in there. She tore the ashtray out of its slot and dumped the coins in her hand. She turned the overhead light on and counted. She had two dollars and fifty two cents. She shoved the coins in her pocket. Maybe she could bribe the convenience store clerk to let her use the store phone. Or better yet, maybe the store had one of those old-fashioned pay phones outside. She'd seen people use them in movies. They probably weren't too hard to use. Hopefully, it wouldn't cost more than two dollars and fifty two cents to call Marlee's house in Clarksonville.

She doused the interior lights, in case anyone got interested in her or her car, and realized that her headlights were still on, so she flicked them off as well. The darkness completely overtook her, and she blinked until her eyes adjusted. She took a deep breath trying not to panic as she felt more alone than ever.

She pulled the key out of the ignition, and with another breath for courage, opened the car door. She stepped onto the shoulder and instantly regretted her decision not to stop for her crocs. The hard roadside gravel dug sharply into her feet. She persevered, though, and shut the car door gently, making sure it latched shut. She locked the door with her key and put the keys deep into the pocket of her shorts for safe keeping. She peered down the dark road toward Clarksonville, but didn't see any kind of store or lights or anything. She decided to stick to her original plan and turned away from Clarksonville heading back toward the gas station.

She held her chin up high and carefully placed one bare foot in front of the other.

Chapter Fourteen.

I Can Stay?

SUSIE HAD NO idea how long she had been walking, but it seemed like an eternity when the lights of the gas station finally appeared in the distance. She walked faster which was hard because her bare feet were raw and bleeding. Along the way, she tried brushing the bits of road debris from the soles of her feet every now and then, but two seconds later the crap was imbedded again. She shivered in the cold night air, wearing only shorts and a thin t-shirt. She also shivered because of the unknown things in the dark. An animal had growled in the distance, but thankfully hadn't gotten closer.

Several cars had passed by her on her long trek, but none of them stopped. A carload of obviously drunk guys slowed down and yelled obscene things at her, but she ignored them, and, thankfully, they didn't stop. Yeah, the night was not as innocent as she had assumed. She wished she had her softball bat or a tree branch to defend herself against the human and non-human night creatures.

She slowed down as she limped into the gas station. Thank God it was still open. There was no one hanging out in front of the store, but she approached cautiously anyway. Ah, there were two pay phones right out front. She slinked to the one on the left, continually looking around and behind her. She didn't want to deal with any more creeps like the man at the parking area or those drunk guys. She looked at the phone unsure what to do first. There were no instructions anywhere. She snorted out a sigh. She was reasonably intelligent, so it shouldn't be that hard to figure out. She picked the phone receiver up off its hook and then began to press the cold metal buttons of Marlee's cell phone number. After only three pushes, she hung up. Marlee might have turned her cell phone off, and Susie couldn't risk wasting her money on voice mail. She wasn't sure she could walk all the way to Marlee's house at this point. Especially because it felt like she had something lodged in her foot. She doubted she could even walk back to her car.

She inspected her feet one at a time. The right one was swollen and bloody from something sharp she'd stepped on just after her scare with the growling animal. Maybe the store clerk could help her out. She glanced inside the convenience store, but didn't spot the clerk.

She took that as a sign from the universe to try and call Marlee again. She reached in her pocket and pulled out a quarter. It felt oddly comforting in her hand, like it was a lifeline. She held it tightly and picked up the phone receiver again. This time she pressed the numbers for Marlee's home phone. She smiled remembering four months earlier when she had searched the phone book for a McAllister listing. There was only one McAllister listed in Clarksonville, so she had chanced it way back then hoping Marlee would answer. She had, and Susie prayed that she would answer now.

The phone clicked a few times, but there was no dial tone. Maybe it needed money. She slid the quarter in the slot. She heard another encouraging click, but the call still didn't connect. She slid three more quarters in, assuming it cost at least a dollar, but still got nothing. She slammed the receiver down praying her quarters would be returned. No such luck. The coin return remained empty.

"Shit!" she muttered under her breath.

"That phone's broke." An unshaven middle-aged guy wearing a stained undershirt barely containing his beer gut gestured to the phone. He had one hand on the door handle. "Use that one." He pointed to the other phone. She nodded, but he was already in the store, apparently not interested in her response, which was fine with her.

The second phone seemed even dirtier than the first, but maybe that meant it worked and more people used it. She jammed her hand in her pocket and was about to pull out the rest of her quarters, when she remembered something. Her Tio Emilio, her mother's younger brother, would call from Brooklyn and somehow make her mother pay for it. Her mother always griped about it, but paid every single time. Susie had answered the phone once when he called. What was it the operator said? Something like, "Will you accept the charges?"

She decided to try that. If that didn't work then she'd try to bribe the store clerk to let her use the store phone with the one dollar and fifty two cents she had left. If that didn't work-- Susie took a deep breath and picked up the phone. She punched the zero button and waited.

"Operator services," the mechanical voice said. Susie's stomach clenched and listened to the choices. "To place a collect call, press three."

"Yes, that's it!" Susie said way too enthusiastically, but she didn't care. She punched the three button and then a live operator got on the phone. She gave the woman her information. There was silence on her end for several anxious moments, but there was no way she was going to hang up. Not when she had a live person on the other end. After what seemed like an eternity a voice came on the line.

"Susie?" It was Mrs. McAllister.

"Yeah. Hi. I'm so sorry to call--"

"Honey," Mrs. McAllister interrupted, "are you okay? Where are you? We've been worried sick."

They'd been worried sick? Maybe she wasn't as alone as she'd thought. "I'm--I'm okay. I'm, uh, kind of stuck."

"Where are you?" Her voice sounded more worried than angry. "Do you need us to come get you?"

"Yes. I'm sorry." Susie heard her own voice catch. She desperately didn't want to start crying again. Dios mio, she was so tired.

"Honey," Mrs. McAllister soothed, "it's okay. We'll come get you. Where are you?"

She knew where she was, but looked up at the store sign to make sure. "I'm on County Road Sixty Two at a Valero gas station. On the East Valley side of Clarksonville." She added the last part in case there was another Valero gas station on the other side of town. "I'm sorry I woke you up."

"We haven't been to sleep."

Susie heard a voice in the background. It must be Marlee.

"Susie? Marlee and I are going to come get you, okay? Here's Marlee."

Susie heard the phone change hands. "Susie, are you okay?" The panic in Marlee's voice was loud and painfully clear.

"I'm fine, mi vida. I ran out of gas." Susie knew her feet weren't fine though. The longer she stood there on the concrete, the more she realized that she'd really abused them. Who knew what disgusting things she'd walked through on the road.

"Where were you going? Were you coming here?" Marlee didn't let her answer. "Sam called me over two hours ago. She and your dad have been driving around looking for you. Apparently your family got frantic when you didn't come home. What happened?"

Susie sighed into the phone. "I don't know. I--" The man with the beer gut came out of the store, so she stopped talking. She didn't want anybody to know she was stranded. Standing there with bloody bare feet probably give it away, but she waited.

"Susie? Are you still there?"

Susie breathed a sigh of relief when the man didn't even look at her. "Yeah, I'm here."

"Why aren't you using your cell phone?"

Susie filled her in briefly on what had happened. She left out her scare at the parking area and wasn't going to mention her bare feet, but figured she should since she didn't want to get blood all over their van. "Can you, uh, bring some old towels or something?"

"Okay. Why?"

"I cut my foot." Understatement.

Marlee gasped. "Susie." The phone sounded muffled as Marlee said, "Mom, she cut her foot." Marlee's voice then came back loud and clear. "Stay where you are. You're only about eight or nine miles away. Are you safe where you are?"

Susie looked around. "I'll stay near the doors, so the store clerk can see me."

"Okay, my mom's ready. We'll see you in a few minutes."

"Gracias, mi vida. Te quiero."

"I love you, too," Marlee said in hushed tones. In a normal voice, she said. "I gotta go now. My mom's already in the van."

"Bye." Susie waited for Marlee to hang up first. She held the phone receiver to her ear for several long minutes pretending she was still on the phone hoping that no one would bother her.

She couldn't hold up the pretense any longer and reluctantly hung up the filthy phone receiver. She moved closer to the doors and, for the most part, no one bothered her. One middle aged couple hesitated at the door, looking her over. Susie thought they were about to ask if they could help her, but she looked away and moved back toward the phones. The man shrugged and held the door open for the woman to enter.

After what seemed like years, the familiar white van pulled into the parking lot. The relief Susie felt made her legs wobbly, and she started to cry. Marlee was by her side in an instant. Susie leaned on her. If she wasn't so exhausted, she would have been more careful about showing affection for Marlee in front of her mother, but she didn't have the strength.

Marlee started to lead her to the van, but Susie winced. Her feet hurt so bad.

"Oh, man," Marlee said , "look at your feet. Here sit down."

"No, can we just go?" Susie didn't want to stay any longer than she had to.

"Okay, c'mon." Marlee put an arm around Susie's waist. "Put your arm over my shoulder. Mom, can you get on the other side?"

Marlee's mother was much smaller than Marlee and Susie didn't want to hurt her, so she leaned mostly on Marlee as they helped her hobble to the van. She pulled herself up on the seat and was about to pull her feet inside when Marlee's mother stopped her.

"Honey, I know all you want to do is get out of here, but let me at least look at your feet. Okay?"

Susie nodded.

"Have you been drinking?"

"Mom!" Marlee protested.

"It's okay," Susie said to Marlee. It was a fair question. She used to drink a lot when she hung out with Christy, but she didn't drink at all anymore. Marlee wouldn't like it. She simply shook her head. "I don't drink or do drugs."

"Okay. I had to ask."

"I know." Susie let Marlee's mother examine her feet. The look of compassion in her eyes almost sent Susie over the brink again.

"Oh, honey. You have a piece of--" She stooped lower to examine Susie's foot more closely. "Ah, you have a piece of gravel in there.

How did you walk so far with that in your foot?"

Susie shrugged.

"Marlee," her mother said taking charge, "c'mon. Get in. We'll take care of her feet when we get home."