"I didn't at first, and it almost lost me the job, but John has this way about him. He's very calm and patient, almost humble, and even though I was a complete nutter during the interview, he still took me on a tour. That impressed me. I mean, he looked past what I am and saw...and saw who I was. It meant a lot to me. It still does."
"And what about the other men you work with? Tell me about them."
"Why?"
"Humor me," Abby said with a chuckle.
"Right, well...let's see, there's Jack. He teaches history, and Bryan, he teaches science and computers..." Stopping for a moment, Toni smiled. "And the two part-timers are Charlie and Christopher."
"Why do you like those two so much?"
"What do you mean?"
"You smiled when you said their names."
"Oh, um...well, I guess it's because they don't look or act the part."
"Explain."
Toni's eyes twinkled as she thought about the men in question. "Charlie has this big belly, kind of like Santa Claus. His cheeks are cherry red most of the time, and he's always laughing and joking with the women. You can just tell that he really enjoys what he does. It's just hard not to smile when you see Charlie."
Glancing at her notes, Abby said, "And what about Christopher?"
"He and I are cut from the same cloth."
"Excuse me?"
"He's gay."
"And that makes him trustworthy?"
"No, that's not what I mean," Toni said, scratching her head. "Maybe it is, I don't know, but he just has this...this aura about him. I honestly can't explain it other than that. He's just too queen to be mean."
Abby's face split into a grin. "Okay, I'll buy that," she said, laughing to herself as she jotted down some notes. "So...you and Laura still okay?"
"Um...yeah. We're fine," Toni said, waiting for Abby to finish, but when she saw her glance at her watch, Toni blurted, "So, I guess that's it for today then."
Abby slowly raised her eyes. "You trying to get rid of me?"
"No, but we always go over."
"I've been here less than a half-hour. Why are you rushing to end today's session?"
"I'm not."
"No?"
"No. Why would I want to do that?"
Laughing, Abby leaned back on the sofa. "You're answering a question with a question, and that's my job, so I'm thinking that something's going on. Now...what is it?"
"It's nothing."
"I'll be the judge of that," Abby said, folding her arms. "Come on. Out with it."
Pursing her lips, Toni raised her eyes to meet Abby's. "I told Laura."
"You told Laura what?"
"That...that I'm in love with her."
"Oh, my God, and you waited this long to tell me!"
"The subject just didn't come up until now. Sorry."
"'Sorry,' she says," Abby said, rolling her eyes. "So...how'd it go? Are you okay?"
"It went well. Laura's happy."
"Yes, well I figured she would be, but I'm more worried about how you're doing. That's a huge step you took."
"I'm okay."
"Just okay?"
"It's like...it's like looking through a shop window. You can see what you want. You know what you want, but you just can't bring yourself...you just can't find the courage to reach for it."
"You'll find it eventually."
Leaning back on the sofa, Toni raked her fingers through her hair. "I'm such a fucking coward."
Sitting up straight, Abby tossed her note pad to the side. "You are, without a doubt, the most courageous person I know. You've gone through more pain and more misery than any person should ever have to, and it was inevitable that it would leave some marks, but over time, those marks will fade."
"But how long does it take? How long before I can touch her without feeling fear or rage?"
"Oh, Toni, that's not a question I can answer, but you've made amazing strides. You've got to know that. Months ago, the idea of talking with a psychologist would have caused you to run from the room, but now we sit here, twice a week, and you tell me everything, holding nothing back. That takes a tremendous amount of trust and faith, but you need to realize that it's not just about the trust you have in Laura or the faith you've put in me. It's the belief you have in yourself, and one of these days...one of these days you'll find the confidence you need to take the next step. Of that, I'm sure."
"You're an optimist, aren't you?"
"No, I'm a psychologist whose best friend is in love with a remarkable, brave and beautiful woman, who just needs to be reminded of those facts every once in a while. Now, how about we make a pot of coffee? I have a few more things I'd like to talk about."
Eyeing the woman sitting on the opposite end of the sofa, Abby took a sip of coffee. "I'd like to discuss the women guards now. That is, if you feel up to it."
"I'm fine. What do you want to know?"
"Did they beat you like the male officers did?"
"They'd give me an occasional kick or punch, but it was never as bad as when the men did it. The women were slyer than that. They'd have others do their dirty work."
"Others? You mean the men?"
"No, I mean the cons."
"What?"
"Just like in school, prisons have their share of cliques. You have the smart cons versus the stupid ones and the strong ones versus the weak, and the women screws knew that. They didn't need to get their hands dirty. All they had to do was sit back and watch the show," Toni said, shaking her head. "How anyone can get off by allowing someone else to get hurt is beyond me."
"What did they do?"
"They knew who didn't get along, so they'd arrange that we'd all end up in the shower together. It's not easy to protect yourself when there's no place to run, standing there naked in front of four or five other women, most of whom hated your guts. It was hard to wash off the smells of that place, whilst trying to watch your back."
"Were you able to?"
"Rarely," Toni said, lighting another cigarette. "But the stench was so foul I needed to get it off my skin if only for a day. Getting beaten seemed a small price to pay for that."
Abby walked over and cracked open a window to allow the smoke to clear. If the need arose, Toni had always gone outside for a quick smoke, so her actions were both surprising and worrisome. Taking a moment, Abby looked over at Toni, trying to decide on whether to continue. She was staring off into space, slouched on the sofa with her head bowed, and she seemed oblivious that Abby was even in the room. Returning to the sofa, Abby asked, "Would you like to stop for the day? We can continue this next time."
Looking up, Toni said, "No. I'm all right. I'd rather get it out now, if it's all the same to you."
"Okay," Abby said, glancing at her notes. "Did they do anything else? The women guards, I mean."
"They'd lie or try to humiliate me, and sometimes they'd just come into my cell and trash it, saying they were looking for drugs or weapons. They'd end up destroying the place, smashing my weekly pack of fags and making sure whatever clothes they did toss about ended up in the toilet. The bloody thing never flushed right, so after I scraped enough tobacco off the floor so I could have at least a few smokes, I'd spend the night trying to wash my clothes in a sink of rusty water."
"You said they lied to you? About what?"
"Anything...everything...it didn't matter. They'd say I had a phone call when I didn't, or that new evidence was found in my case, when there wasn't any. They'd tell me I had a letter or that a package had come in with my name on it, but it was all lies. I know it sounds like stupid shit, but shit like that matters when you're in a place like Thornbridge. Shit like that matters when every fucking day is a carbon copy of the one before."
"I expect it would," Abby said as she scribbled another note on her pad. Raising her eyes, she asked, "Was that what you meant about humiliation? The fact they had you believing things that weren't true."
"No," Toni said, closing her eyes. Taking a deep drag of her cigarette, the smoke slowly exited her nose as she opened her eyes. "They'd do...they'd do strip searches at all hours of the day and night. The rules say that the men can't be present when that happens, but they were. They'd leer at you as you stripped, all the while making vulgar comments about your tits or your arse, and even though they weren't supposed to touch...the rules said they couldn't touch, if you didn't bend over the table so they could have a...could have a closer look, the women screws would force you down, and then they'd...then they'd touch. Eventually, like everything else in that place, I grew numb to it. My humiliation turned into apathy. I didn't care that the men were there. I didn't care about their words, or about what the women screws were doing to me, so when their strip searches no longer got a rise out of me, they started shaving my head."
"They shaved your head?"
"Quite a few times, actually. I got used to that, too...took less time in the shower," Toni said as her voice trailed into a whisper.
Like folders in a drawer, Toni's memories of Thornbridge had been categorized, but she hadn't used the alphabet. She had used the pain. Overshadowed by boots and belts, the strip searches and beatings in the shower had been lost in the back of her mind...until now. Toni's head filled with the sound of cackling women and men shouting obscenities, and the hum of electric clippers as her hair floated to the floor. She could taste soap in her mouth, shoved there to quiet her screams, and the sting of lye cleanser as it leached into cuts and scrapes...and her stomach started to churn.
Noticing that the temperature in the room had started to drop, Abby went to the window to close the sash. Turning around, she was about to ask another question when she saw that Toni had gone ghostly white.
Walking into the house, Laura was surprised to see Abby heading to the kitchen with a mop and bucket in her hand. Tossing her coat on a chair, she said, "What, you cleaning houses now?"
"Not exactly," Abby answered quietly.
Following her into the kitchen, Laura cocked her head to the side. "Abby, what's going on? What are you doing with that stuff?"
"I was just...um...I was cleaning up the bathroom. Toni got sick."
"What?" Laura shouted. "Is she okay? What the hell happened?"
"She got a bit upset during our session, but she's fine now."
"Upset? Upset! Jesus Christ, Abby, the woman just got over the flu! Couldn't you have cut her some slack? I had her cancel Monday's appointment because of it, and I thought you'd have enough common sense to take it easy on her today."
"Laura-"
"Oh, I can't believe you!" Laura said, clenching her fists. "When did you become this heartless?"
"Christ, you have a temper!"
Laura spun around to see Toni leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed, and even though her face was pale, there was a glint of humor in her eyes.
"You should be lying down," Laura said, taking a step closer.
"Well, I would be except you were out here bellowing. Now I know what they mean about waking the dead."
"Toni-"
"Laura, I'm fine," Toni said, quickly glancing at Abby to offer her a weak smile. "I was a bit messy earlier, but Abby took care of me."
"But it's because of her-"
"No, that's where you're wrong. It's because of me. It's because I know I need to talk about this shit and it's not always easy. Christ, it's never easy, but it's something I have to do. We all know that."
"I just worry about you."
"I know," Toni said softly. "And I need your help to get through this, but squawking at my shrink isn't the way to go about it."
"I do not squawk," Laura said, narrowing her eyes.
"Okay, how about screech?"
Across the room, Abby stood quietly watching the exchange. Her smile was minimal, at least on the outside. She was well aware of Laura's temper having been on the receiving end of it before, but she had never seen the woman go from sixty to zero so fast. It was a pleasant change to see someone reel in Laura so quickly, and Abby had a feeling it was one that would be permanent.
"Well, I think this is my cue to leave," Abby said as she walked over.
"Will you have time to see me again this week?" Toni asked. "What with today's chat ending so abruptly, I mean."
"I'll check my planner and call you tomorrow," Abby said, glancing at her watch. "Oh my, look at the time. I'd better go. "
"Not before I apologize," Laura said, touching Abby's sleeve. "I acted like a prat, and I'm sorry."
"Yes, you did, but you did it for all the right reasons," Abby said, patting Laura's hand. "Now, how about walking me out?"
"All right," Laura said, following her out of the room. When they reached the door, Laura pulled Abby to a stop. "Abby, I was wondering-"