When are we all artists?--When we draw a long face.

Why are watch-dogs bigger by night than by day?--Because they are let out at night and taken in in the morning.

When is a tradesman always above his business?--When he lives over his shop.

Which is the liveliest city in the world?--Berlin; because it's always on the Spree.

Why is a water-lily like a whale?--Because they both come to the surface to blow.

Why is a shoemaker the most industrious of men?--Because he works to the last.

What is book-keeping?--Forgetting to return borrowed volumes.

Why is scooping out a turnip a noisy process?--Because it makes it hollow.

Why are teeth like verbs?--Because they are regular, irregular, and defective.

What ships hardly ever sail out of sight?--Hardships.

When is an artist a dangerous person?--When his designs are bad.

Why are tortoisesh.e.l.l-combs like citadels?--They are for-tresses.

Why is the Isthmus of Suez like the first "u" in cuc.u.mber?--Because it is between two "c's" (seas).

What motive led to the invention of railroads?--The locomotive.

Why are deaf people like Dutch cheeses?--Because you can't make them here.

When is the best time to get a fresh egg at sea?--When the ship lays to.

Who was the first whistler?--The wind.

What tune did he whistle?--Over the hills and far away.

Why need a traveller never starve in the desert?--Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.

Why is sympathy like blindman's-buff?--Because it is a fellow feeling for a fellow creature.

If a Frenchman were to fall into a tub of tallow, in what word would he express his situation?--In-de-fat-i-gabble. (Indefatigable.)

Why is a diner on board a steam-boat like Easter Day?--Because it is a movable feast.

Why is a little man like a good book?--Because he is often looked over.

Why is a pig in a parlor like a house on fire?--Because the sooner it is put out the better.

What is the difference between a soldier and a bombsh.e.l.l?--One goes to war, the other goes to pieces.

Why is it dangerous to sleep in a train?--Because every train runs over all the sleepers on the line.

Spell "enemy" in three letters?--F O E.

Which is the only way that a leopard can change his spots?--By going from one spot to another.

Why did Eve never fear the measles?--Because she'd Adam.

When is a tall man a little short?--When he hasn't got quite enough cash.

What houses are the easiest to break into?--The houses of bald people; because their locks are few.

Why is a watch the most difficult thing to steal?--Because it must be taken off its guard.

Why is there never anybody at home in a convent?--Because it is an (n)uninhabited place.

Why does a person who is not good-looking make a better carpenter than one who is?--Because he is a deal plainer.

What is the best tree for preserving order?--The birch.

Why is shoemaking the easiest of trades?--Because the boots are always soled before they are made.

What plant stands for No. 4?--IV.

How can a gardener become thrifty?--By making the most of his thyme, and by always putting some celery in the bank.

Why is it probable that beer was made in the Ark?--Because the kangaroo went in with hops, and the bear was always bruin.

"What was the biggest thing you saw at the World's Fair?" asked a wife of her husband.--"My hotel bill!" said he.

Why is C like a schoolmistress?--Because it forms la.s.ses into cla.s.ses.

What is that which never asks any questions and yet requires many answers?--The street-door.

If a man b.u.mped his head against the top of a room, what article of stationery would he be supplied with?--Ceiling whacks.

(Sealing-wax.)

Which is the longest word in the English language?--Smiles; because there is a mile between the first and last letters.

Which is the oldest tree in England?--The Elder Tree.

How many sides are there to a tree?--Two, inside and out.

What is that which happens twice in a moment and not once in a thousand years?--The letter M.

What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day?--A dry attic.

(Adriatic.)

Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge?--Because it must be ground before it is used.