when it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

when it took her half an hour to make minute rice.

when she threw a brick at the floor and missed.

when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

when she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

when she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.

when you have to dig for her IQ!

when she got locked in a grocery store and starved!

when she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!

when she could trip over a cordless phone!

when she sold her car for gasoline money!

when she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

when she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

when she took a cup to see Juice.

when she asked you "What is the number for 911"

when she got stabbed in a shoot out.

when she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.

when she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

when she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

when she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

when she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

when she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!

when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.

when she jumped out the window and went up.

when she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.

when she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

when she couldn't read an audio book.

when it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.

when it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.

when she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.

when she went to disneyworld and saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so she went home.

when she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and I said "guess" so she said Levi's when she called information to get the number for 911...

YO MAMMA...

==> SO UGLY.

when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.

she made an onion cry.

when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours... . for a quote!

she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!

she looks out the window and gets arrested!

even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!

Ted Danson wouldn't date her!

for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

she turned Medusa to stone!

people go as her for Halloween.

she scares the roaches away.

I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.

she has to sneak up on a glass of water.

Family Definitions.

Grandfather -- a man whose daughter once married someone who was vastly her inferior mentally but consequently gave birth to unbelievably brilliant grandchildren.

Grandmother -- a baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.

Father -- someone who has redeemed the money in his wallet for snapshots.

Mother -- the person who feeds the mouth that bites her.

Child -- a lump bred up in darkness.

Aunt -- the only person who would have made a better mother than your mother.

Uncle -- a relative who only seems to like you when he needs something done for him.

Son -- the result of getting what you thought you wanted.

Daughter -- a person who dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who mother is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.

Cousin -- the relative most likely to be responsible for your trouble.

Mother-in-law -- a ready source of all knowledge, especially advice, history, and judgments.

Father-in-law -- the fellow who is now happy to have paid for the wedding because now his wife has another man to harass.

Hacking througt the Jargon Jungle.

When I went to college in the 1970's, I heard a lot of words like "data input" and "beta version." They confused me. I wanted desperately to know what people were talking about, what Big Secret resided in the computer industry.

Now that I've worked with computers for the last few years, I've gained an insider's perspective. I decided to share my knowledge with the uninitiated by creating the following brief, handy glossary: ALPHA: Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

BETA: Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

COMPUTER: Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU: Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 386, a ferret if it's a 486 and a ferret on speed if it's a Pentium.

DEFAULT DIRECTORY: Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear.

ERROR MESSAGE: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

FILE: A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

HARDWARE: Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

INPUT/OUTPUT: Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE: A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY: Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.