"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages.

My owners do not need siding, windows, a hot tub, or any subscriptions and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office. If you are still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device.

After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I will think about returning your call."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi. This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"Hi. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

Some required reading...

HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace.

I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Over and hil Down.

THE GERMAN BANK ROBBBERY by Hans Zupp.

I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight.

PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer.

HOW I WON THE MARATHON by Randy Holeway.

TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT by Ike Witt.

THE TIGER ATTACKED by Claude Roys Armoff.

Wise words.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Hissing Sid.

Hissing Sid the baby snake is having dinner when he asks, "Mum. Is it true that we poisonous snakes?"

"Yes dear," replies his mum, "Why do you ask?"

"Because," says Sid, "I've bit my tongue!"

Little Johnny.

Little Johnny and Jenny are just 10 years old and deeply in love. They are so much in love that they decide to get married and Johnny goes to see Jenny's father...

"Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this is cute, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without hesitation Johnny replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine, so we can both live in there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable Mr. Smith says, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. How will you support Jenny?"

Again, Johnny replies instantly, "Our allowance... Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment and trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything figured out. I just have just one more question. What will you do if have children of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Pick up lines for guys dressed as Santa...

Hi baby I know you've been a bad girl, so let's skip chat!

Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?

Ever make out with a fat guy and a whip?

You know, you might think some of my best toys run on batteries, until you've met me!

I see you when you're sleeping and you don't wear any underwear, do you?

My sledge is outside, want join the "Mile High" club?

That is not a candy cane in my pocket. Honey, I am just glad to see you!

Christmas Jokes.

Q: Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

A: They keep dropping their needles!

Q: What's Christmas called in England?

A: Yule Britannia!

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas?

A: Thanks Santa, I'll never part with it!

Q: Why is a burning candle like being thirsty?

A: Because a little water ends both of them!

Q: What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A: A pineapple!

Q: What's Tarzan's favourite Christmas song?

A: Jungle bells.

Q: What's Tarzan's chimp's favourite Christmas song?