* On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

In a Bangkok dry-cleaner's shop: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Hong Kong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

In a Copenhagen airline office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend your afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the restroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all of the girls to the restroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of them. He took a long handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him/her, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain.

How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame, let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love.

They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away

Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reason for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into saying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery.

Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.

His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you.

Your friend, Bobby.

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3 Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.

Bobby Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4 God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!

Thank you, Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5 God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!

Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed moaning, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a guy. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

LOVE & MARRIAGE - 10 TELL-TALE DIFFERENCES:

Love is holding hands in the street.

Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.

Marriage is a Chinese take-out.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.

Marriage is deciding on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.

Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.

Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.

Marriage is a tarmac drive.

Love is losing your appetite.

Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.

Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.