A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue,she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

Santa Singh is appearing on the KBC (Kaun Banega Crorepati, the TV quiz show).

Amitabh Bachhan: Santa you've done very well so far - 50,00,000 and one lifeline left - phone a friend, the next question will give you the first ever One Crore if you get it right, but if you get it wrong you will be out of the game and drop to 3,20,000 - are you ready?"

Santa: "Sure I'll have a go"

Amitabh Bachhan : "Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest? Is it: A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Trush.

Remember Santa it's worth 1 Crore."

Santa: "I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....no I haven't got a clue. Can I phone a friend please just to be sure?"

AB: "Yes Santa who do you want to phone?"

Santa: "I'll phone Banta back home in Bhatinda." (ringing) Banta: "Hello..."

AB: "Hello Banta, Mein Amitabh Bachhan bol raha hoon KBC se, I have Santa here and he is doing really well on 50,00,000 but needs your help to get the Crore. The next voice you hear will be Santa's he'll explain the question. There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer - aap ka samay ab shuru hota hai Santa."

Santa: "Banta, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest???. Is it: A-Robin, B-Sparrow, C-Cuckoo or D-Thrush!!!!"

Banta: "Oh Praji that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo."

Santa: "You think?"

Banta: "I'm sure."

Santa: "Thanks Banta." (hangs up) AB: "Well do you want to stick on 50,00,000 or play on for first ever crore rupees Santa?"

Santa: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo.

AB: "Is that your final answer?"

Santa: Final answer!"

AB: "Confident?"

Santa: "Yes fairly, Banta's a sound bet."

AB: "Santa .....you had 50,00,000 and you said Cuckoo - aur aap ek crore rupaiye jeet gaye hain . Here is your cheque - you have been a great contestant and a real gambler - audience please put your hands together for Santa." (clapping) That night Santa calls Banta and brings him down to the bar to fill him full of drink and as they are sitting at the bar Santa turns to Banta and asks.

"Tell me Banta!!! How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest, sure you know all about birds?????"

Banta: "O idiot Santa, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock"!!!!!

Indian Veggies Q & A Q. What did the lonely banana say?

A. I'm a"kela".

Q. What did the green peas say?

A. Nothing. They just "mutter"ed.

Q.What did the potato say when it answered the phone ?

A. "Aaloo?"

Q. Where do cauliflowers hang out?

A. In the Gobi desert.

Q. What are call-boxes for ghosts called?

A. B(h)ooths Q. What kind of sweaters do grapes wear?

A. Angoora Q. What is a vegetables favourite love song?

A. Love me tinda.

Q. What did the flower say to its girl-friend?

A. Why do phools fall in love?

Q. What did the fat car say?

A. I'm a mota car.

Q. What did the confused egg say?

A. I don't unda-stand.

Q. Where do earrings go on holiday?

A. Bali.

Q. What do shrimps sing on Christmas?

A. Jhinga Bells.

Q. What did the half eaten naan say?

A. I wish I was puri.

Q. What did the lonely potato sing?

A. "Aaloo lonesome tonight?"

Q. What language do carrots speak?

A. Gajar-ati.

Q. What do you call a bald poet?

A. Ik-bal.

Q. What did the first pizza slice say the other pizza lice so it would move?

A. Pizza - "HUT"!! Never marry a software engineer.

Man : You remind me of the sea.

Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?

Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.

Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?

Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Peter : Mom, does God use our bathroom?

Mother : No, Peter. Why?

Peter : Because Daddy bangs on the door every morning and yells, "Oh god, are you still there?"

Customer : How much is that tie?

Salesman : Forty dollars.

Customer : Why, I can buy a pair of shoes with that much money.

Salesman : But how would a pair of shoes look around your neck.

Jimmy : Mom, can I have two pieces of cake?

Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me?

Man : By cheque, money order or cash.

Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.

Lily : So what do you do?

Sam : I close my eyes.

Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water?

Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.

Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake?

Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it?

Man : I'm new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank?

Little boy : I will, but only if you pay me ten dollars.

Man : Why should I pay you so much?

Little boy : Because bank directors are always highly paid.

1st MAN : I'm worried about my daughter. She keeps being chased by the doctor.

2nd MAN : Has she tried an apple??