Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.

Treats.

A blonde woman strides angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expresses her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asks, "Hi. What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes get very large, and she whispers, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?"

Blonde dieting.

A terribly overweight blonde goes to see her doctor for some help with dieting.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." Says the doc.

When the blonde returns she shocks the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds!

"That's amazing!" says the doc. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to die on the third day."

"What from hunger?" asks the doc.

"No." says the Blonde. "From all that bloody skipping!"

The Widow.

A widow that had recently married to a widower, was talking to a girl friend. "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" joked the friend.

"Oh, not any more," replied the widow.

"What stopped him?" asked the friend.

"I started talking about my next husband."

Puns.

Her name was Penny and she wanted to change it.

Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.

Student: I am eight years old. Next year I'll benign Teacher: Use benign in a sentence.

Student: I've had this tumour for eight years. Next year it will benign.

English Teacher.

An English teacher writes, "I ain't had no fun in months" on the black board. She then asks her class, "OK, how should I correct that?"

The class wag replies, "Miss, Miss. Get yourself a new boyfriend!"

The survey.

A recent survey was carried out to see what type of women's legs most men prefer. The results were: 25 % said that they like fat legs 19 % said that they like skinny legs And the rest said they prefer something in between!

Sayings.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Dreaming.

A guy goes to see his doctor as he's troubled by a strange dream. He says doc, "I keep dreaming that I'm in the Wild West and I'm riding a brown horse. I chase after a stagecoach and when I catch it, I jump off my horse and clime through the left door.

I then open the right door and jump out onto a white horse and ride off. What does it mean doc?"

"Hum, interesting", says the doctor, "Nothing to worry about. I'd just say it's a stage you're going through."

Q: What's the favourite phrase of most arts graduates?

A: Would you like fries with that?

Blonde driver.

A traffic cop pulls alongside a speeding car on a motorway. Glancing at the driver he's astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the cop rolls down his window and yells, "Pull over lady!"

"No!" the blonde replies, "It's a scarf!"

The diet.

A store manager at electronics retailer estimates that about 15% of LCD TVs are bought for "a bathroom environment." The popularity of bathroom TVs, he claims, can be attributed to the increased amount of time spent there by people on the Atkins diet.

Do you serve lawyers?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm and asks the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers in here?"

"We sure do," replies the bartender.

"Great," says the man. "I'll have a beer, and lawyer for my alligator, please"

Terrible Pain.

A doctor is examining a gorgeous blonde girl who has a terrible pain in her abdomen.

"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," Says the doc.

The Blonde become quite angry with this and shouts, "Could you stop hitting on me doc. I just want to be examined, not complimented!"