"Thanks, Beth. Wasn't one of my favorites anyway."

"Be grateful. At least I didn't blow my nose." I grinned down at her, swept her hair behind her ears. She pushed the thin material away from my stomach and examined the white skin beneath. I could feel her warm breath as she traced small circles above my belly b.u.t.ton with her finger tips.

"Find anything interesting?" I asked, curiosity keeping me in check.

"Just like a baby's b.u.t.t." she smiled, patting the skin of my stomach. She lifted her head and stared down at her hand as she flattened the palm against one side of my rib cage. "Isn't it incredible how there are so many strange little curves and b.u.mps on a woman's body?" she traced the center line of my stomach up to where the fabric of my shirt began just below my burgeoning b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"I guess I've never given it much thought." I said, feeling unsure about Beth's explorations, and feeling naked in my uncertainty.

"Hm." she said absently, then sat up and pulled my shirt back into place. "Let's go down to the Soda Jerk and get some ice cream." I stared at her as she jumped off the bed and began to pull her hair back into a pony tail, the black hairband clamped between her teeth, her weight shifting from one foot to the other. My eyes narrowed as I watched her. This was her habit when she was nervous. I slowly stood, my legs shaking.

"Sounds good." I said, silently letting out the breath that I had been holding.

The late September chill of New York was pushed away by the fire that Rebecca had built for our after dinner coffee. This had become a tradition we hadn't realized we'd started until a couple of years ago when one night we didn't do it, and we both realized how much we missed it. I lay on the couch with my legs resting on Rebecca's lap, and stared at the strange shadow that danced on the walls from the trance-like light the fore threw.

"So, Beth's parents split when she was thirteen?" she asked, her hands caressing my calves and ankles.

"Yup. Thirteen. Actually, that was when they divorced. They had decided to separate the year before." I let out a sigh and took a sip of my mocha fudge coffee and looked up at the ceiling. "We were on summer break, soon to be going into seventh or eighth grade. I don't remember which one now. I think eighth."

"How old were you?"

"I was just a couple months shy of turning fourteen."

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before, Emily?" Rebecca asked as she sipped her coffee. I looked at her for a moment as I thought of an answer. Why hadn't I?

I told you she was in that play we saw. I pointed her out to you."

"You did, but only in pa.s.sing. You never really told me who she was except for someone you used to know. I remember exactly what you said, in fact. We were sitting there in the dark theater, and when she came on stage you said, you see that girl playing Pippa? I used to know her."

I smiled. "Well, yeah but," Rebecca patted my leg to shut me up.

"Yeah but, nothing. I'm not mad at you, sweetie. I just want to know, that's all. I want to know about someone who has meant this much to you. I want you to share this with me."

"Okay." I sat up and kissed her lightly on the lips and caressed the side of her face with my fingertips, then laid back down. To be honest, I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess because it was so long ago, and it really doesn't matter anymore."

"Emily, if it didn't matter then Beth's pa.s.sing would not be affecting you as much as it is." she looked at me in the way that she always did when she knew I was full of it. I smiled to myself. Kind of reminded me of how my mother used to look at me.

"We used to do everything together." I said quietly. I looked at Rebecca and smiled, then found myself looking past her, through her to all the adventures we shared together.

After Beth's parents divorced we became even closer than we had been, if that was possible. Any other friends either of us had at school became secondary, some disappearing altogether from the world we created for the two of us. Every weekend she spent the night at my house, or on the rare occasion when her mother would allow it, we stayed at her house. Beth was heavily into the theater and acting by that time. She would come up with short one-act plays or scenarios for us to act out.

In the beginning she had to use some pretty heavy powers of persuasion to get me to partic.i.p.ate, but then I got into them as much as she did. I could remember one of them where she was a shy, James Dean type character, and I was a beautiful girl he had seen on the street, and just had to have. Halfway through I stopped her, her bold written script in my hand.

"Beth, why do you always have to play a guy?" I plopped myself down on my bed, untying the scarf from around my neck that was a "prop", and I had stolen from my mother's closet. Beth grabbed the end of it and tried to pull it out of my hands.

"No!" I slapped her hand. "Mine."

"Why, do you want to be the guy?" she said with one of her crooked smiles.

"No!" I exclaimed. "But why do you have to be?"

"Well, someone has to be. You see, Em, to be a good actor you have to be able to embody other types that just aren't like you in life." she ran her hands down either side of her head to re-slick the water slicked hair. More "props".

I chuckled. "What text book did you read that out of? So why don't you ever play a girl, then?" I said slyly. She looked at me through her long bangs.

"Very funny. I already play one of those in life. I don't want to type-cast myself already. The acting world does that enough." she threw herself down on the bed and stretched out beside me on her stomach. She rested her chin on her hands and stared at my headboard. I laid back and stared up at the ceiling. I noticed the small spot in the corner where the roof had leaked three years ago. We both were quiet, the only sound coming from the tick of my alarm clock on the tall dresser across from the bed. Soon after I thought the ticking of the clock matched my heartbeat. My heart jumped as the bed squeaked as Beth changed positions to get closer to me. I looked over at her to find her laying on her side, her head resting on her hand, looking down at me. She didn't say anything, just looked. I began to feel like a lab rat. A strange heat was making its way up from my feet to my head. I found it hard to breath, my mid-section tingling.

"What?" I asked, slight irritation marking my voice for being made to feel uncomfortable. Or was it vulnerable?

"Nothing. I'm just looking at you. Am I not allowed to look at you?" Beth asked, sounding hurt.

"Yeah, but why would you want to? I look the same today as I did yesterday and the day before that!" I sat up and stood from the bed. Beth followed my movements, surprise filling her eyes. "You are so weird sometimes. Jeez." I walked over to my dresser and began to rearrange my small collection of unicorns. Why was I getting so upset?

I looked at my reflection in the dresser mirror. My shoulders were tight, almost like I was ready to ounce. Surprised I relaxed them, the tension flowing out. I looked at my face, my mouth shut tight, brows drawn in stubborn anger. I looked at Beth through the mirror. She still laid on the bed, having rolled back on her stomach. She was facing the opposite direction, her legs bent at the knee, crossed at the ankles, and slowly swinging up and down in a hypnotic rhythm. I could get lost in that rhythm. She was resting on her elbows looking at something in her hands. Through the thin material of her shirt I could see the sharp edges of her shoulder blades. It reminded me of the sleek back of a tiger as it sneaked up on its prey.

"What are you playing with?" I asked, my voice quiet from guilt. Beth cleared her throat, but did not look at me.

"Later in the script I'm supposed to give this to you." she half turned and showed me what she held. It was a small gold plastic band. "Remember I propose?"

"Yeah." I said quietly and sat next to her. I took the ring and looked at it, turning it over n my hand. I smiled at her. "It's so sudden, Beth. I thought we'd at least live together first." she laughed. I slid the ring on the ring finger of my left hand. It was a bit lose, but it would work.

"Well, honey, if I ain't even allowed ta look at ya, how do you ever s'pect us ta git married?" she said in one of her southern hillbilly accents.

"Beth, I'm sorry! I don't know why I got so mad." Beth had moved onto her side, and I snuggled up next to her, tucking my head in her neck. She wrapped her arms around me, and held me. I could hear her heartbeat racing in her chest, her breathing getting faster. Off in the distance I thought I heard the doorbell.

"I wonder who that is? Probably Aunt Kitty. She is supposed to come over today."

"Don't know. Maybe. Your mom and her are pretty close, aren't they?" Beth breathed. She ran her hand down my back, rubbing any remaining tension out, turning me into jelly. I could only nod. Her hand slid to the hem of my shirt, and her hand slipped underneath. The warmth of her skin felt so good I didn't stop her. I didn't want her to stop. She ran her hand up my spine, then back to my waist, then a bit further over to my side, then around my ribs.

After her hand pa.s.sed over an area, I could still feel its heat. A burning feeling started in my lower stomach and spread. I could feel my chest tighten. A voice inside my head was confused, and wasn't sure what Beth was doing, but surely it could not be anything other than a ma.s.sage to comfort me, could it?

I closed my eyes as her hand reached the underwire of my bra that covered the mounds of my newly formed b.r.e.a.s.t.s. Her fingers stilled, hand stopped in its tracks, almost as if she was not sure what she was doing, and was surprised to find herself there.

With my head tucked down I could not see her face. I wished I could have been able to read her eyes. Beth was like an open book to me. Suddenly my skin felt cold as she removed her hand out form under my shirt. I didn't say anything, and stayed how I was. We laid there for a moment when there was a knock at my bedroom door. We both froze.

"Emmy? Are you two in there, honey?" my mom said from the other side.

"Yeah." I said, still in Beth's arms.

The doork.n.o.b rattled. "Open the door, honey." I rolled away from Beth and stood, my legs unsteady as I walked over and unlocked and opened my door just wide enough to look at her.

"Why did you lock your door?" I just stared at her expectantly. "You girls were so quiet I didn't even know if you were still here or not.." she smiled. I just looked at her, impatient, yet grateful for the interruption. "That Newman girl came by. She wanted to know if you wanted to go out and do something. I didn't know if you were here or not, so I told her you girls would go and get her when you got back."

"Mom! We don't want to play with Darla Newman!" I exclaimed. We didn't want to play with anyone.

"Now, Emily I know that you two have an incredibly busy schedule, but Darla Newman is new here, and she has no friends. There is no reason why you and Beth can't go out and play for awhile."

"Mom-!"

"It's not for the rest of your life, Emily. Just a couple of hours."

I looked back at Beth who sat Indian style on the bed looking at me, and shaking her head. I turned back to my mother.

"We don't want to. Let her go find somebody else."

My mother sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Okay." she said and walked back down the hall. I closed the door and leaned against it, my arms crossed over my chest.

"Jeez. I am almost fifteen, nearly an adult, and she still treats me like I'm a kid! I don't even like Darla Newman!"

"Come on, Em. Darla is not that bad.." Beth stretched out her long legs, and stood from the bed. "Besides, you didn't have a problem with her the other day."

"Yeah, but you weren't home. I had to go with her."

Beth drew her brows and studied me. "What is wrong with you lately, Em? You are so short tempered. Everything and everyone is making you mad."

"I don't know!" I yelled. I walked over to the bed and plopped myself down face first. "I hate my mother. " I whined into the wrinkled bedspread.

"No you don't either. What did you tell me? They are your parents. You're not allowed to hate them." Beth said from somewhere near me "Come on. Let's go down to the creek."

What the neighborhood kids had dubbed as The Toilet Bowl, was the small creek that was about half a mile away from our houses. The creek ran along a distant bike trail, and ran into a large pond that was walled in by a ring of huge rocks, and was the neighborhood swimming hole. The 'Bowl' was surrounded by trees, and dense wild foliage providing shade, and much privacy for the older kids who would go skinny dipping.

Beth and I sat on the lip of a large rock ledge that sidled up to the water, our feet in the pond's coolness. We sat side by side, me looking into the murky depths, Beth looking at me.

"What's going on with you, Em? You are acting reeeeeally strange." she chuckled to herself. "I thought I was supposed to be the one who had an att.i.tude. You're the good kid, remember? At least that's what my mom always says."

"Why?" I asked, not looking at my friend, my eyes riveted on the water as the sun beat down on it, making it glow.

"I don't know." Beth shrugged. "That's just what she says."

"Well, that's stupid. you don't have an att.i.tude. you're perfect." I could feel my friend's eyes boring into me. I felt a wave of heat rush over me for the hundredth time that day. I began to feel uncomfortable. "Let's swim." I jumped up and tugged my shirt over my head, leaving my small bra on, and unb.u.t.toned my white cut-offs. In my underwear and bra, I dove into the shallow depths of the pond.

"Emily!" I heard Beth call out as my head broke through the surface. I ground the water out of my eyes and turned to look at her as she stood on the rock ledge, my shorts in her hand.

"What?"

"Look. You're, you're bleeding!" she exclaimed showing me the red stain in the crotch of the denim.

"what?" I swam over to her looking at the material with disbelieving eyes. Sure enough. A spot of blood the size of a silver dollar awaited me. I pulled myself out of the water and looked down at my underwear where I found a similar stain made pink as the water had rinsed it off some.

"Oh my G.o.d!" I cried,. I swallowed as I felt hot tears sting behind my eyelids. I felt emotions flowing through me at an alarming rate, and I had no idea why. I wanted to cry, laugh, and yell all at the same time. Beth put her arm around my shoulders.

"Are you okay, Em? Do you need to sit down? Your mom said that it can make you feel weak, or even cramp up. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" I raged, suddenly feeling more than a little embarra.s.sed. I pushed her away from me, and tugged my shirt back on. I took the shorts from her hand, and began to rinse them in the water of the pond, praying to G.o.d that I could get the majority of the stain out so I could walk home. The red stayed where it was. "My mom's gonna kill me." I sobbed as I rubbed with my fingertips.

"No she's not. She'll understand, Em." I stood on shaky legs, and struggled to pull the wet denim over my legs and b.u.t.t. "Well this explains a lot." Beth smiled one of her crooked grins, her blue eyes twinkling.

"What is that supposed to mean? 'This explains a lot'?" I fired back, angry that Beth would dare make jokes at a crisis like this.

"Your mom said that a woman will experience mood swings, and girl, you have definitely had them."

"I have not! I have been perfectly fine. Besides. What does my mother know, anyway?" I began to walk away from her, my wet feet making my sneakers soggy leading to every step squishing. That made Beth laugh even harder, and added to my misery. Though I was being childish and terribly difficult, deep down I was so thankful that Beth was at my side at what I knew, even at the downside of fourteen, was a pivotal moment n my life as a woman.

"So did your mom get mad?" Rebecca grinned.

"No, of course not. In fact, to add to my humiliation, she grabbed me in the front yard with neighbors all around us in their yards, and hugged me and made a huge fuss about her baby becoming a woman. I was mortified!" Rebecca threw her head back and laughed, her hand rubbing up and down my calf. "But then what self-serving teen wouldn't be?"

"So Beth hadn't started her yet, obviously?" she asked, still chuckling.

"No. That came a few months later. She was lucky; she started in the middle of the night, though it was my mother who helped her through it."

"Why?"

"Oh, Beth's mom was just far too into herself. She couldn't find the time, I imagine. Between the drinking and the men." I said dryly, remembering how often Beth's mom would leave her daughter to figure out her own problems. We were both silent for a moment, both lost in our separate thoughts. "Oh," I said, grabbing the hand that rested on my knee, our fingers intertwining. "How did the doctor go today?" Rebecca leaned her head back against the couch, her tired eyes looking at me.

"He said that if it doesn't take this time, we'll try one more time. If that doesn't take, then he suggested you and I start thinking of another plan of action. Maybe we could think about stopping-"

"No. We'll try again." I said sternly. One of us had to stay strong.

"Oh, baby. What if this doesn't work?" she whispered, that little line appearing between her eyes that always did when she was worried or upset. I reached my hand out, and rubbed it away with my thumb.

"It will work, sweetie. It has to." We stared into each other's eyes for a moment, neither wanting to break the connection. I needed to feel her tonight, to know that she was really here, and everything would be okay. With a sigh Rebecca smiled.

"Well, babe," she said, finally giving my thigh a squeeze. "We should get to bed. It's getting late." she leaned over, and kissed me softly, but I grabbed on to her and deepened the kiss, holding her to me with both hands framing her face, leaving us both breathless. "Wow." she breathed. "It is definitely time for bed."

PART 2.

I LAID IN THE dark wrapped in Rebecca's arms, and listened to the sound of her steady breathing. I still could not get Beth off my mind. There was still more. More I needed to remember, more I needed to figure out before I could finally let her memory rest. There was so much left unfinished between us, left unsaid.

I could see her face before me. Her bright blue eyes shining, her dark hair loosely held in a ponytail or braid, most of it usually spilling from its bonds. She was smiling at me, that special little crooked smile that she saved for me, and only me. Her eyes were so full of life, and her adventurous spirit.

I gently disentangled myself from Rebecca, and slipped out of bed. With a sleepy murmur of protest, Rebecca released her hold, and turned over onto her other side. With quiet feet I headed into our bathroom and shut the door with a soft click before turning on the light. I studied my reflection. My hair, which Rebecca calls golden, reaches to just below my shoulders. This is the shortest I've had my hair for a few years. I ran my fingers through the strands, and tucked it behind my ears. My green eyes looked dully back at me. I saw no life in them right then. The skin under them was slightly puffy from the crying I had done earlier. Something was telling me that I was not done crying, either. I felt so emotional like I had a carbonated bottle of tears inside of me that someone had shaken to the point where the cork was going to shoot off into s.p.a.ce somewhere leaving the contents to overflow, needing to escape.

"Babe, you okay?" Rebecca called sleepily from our bedroom.

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep." She mumbled something I couldn't understand, then all was quiet again. I splashed some cold water on my face, then tiptoed out of the bedroom.

Simon met me at the top of the stairs, his long, black tail swishing curiously in the air, his large gold eyes looking up at me questioningly as he escorted me down the stairs. I trailed my fingers along the wall as I went down, my eyes focusing on the images in the pictures that lined the staircase.

I saw Rebecca and I smiling with our arms around each other standing in front of the beautiful castle of Sleeping Beauty in Disneyland, our friend Camille had taken the picture while her partner, Dana had stood off to the side with a wide grin across her tanned face. I smiled to myself. That had been such a wonderful trip, and had been our first together. We had only been living together for just under a year.

I continued on, looking down to make sure Simon hadn't planted himself between my feet making both of us fly down the remaining stairs. Unlike him, I knew I would not land on my feet. My heart beamed as I saw the picture of my lover and I on our dream vacation to Ireland, the land of her late mother's birth. We planned to go back in a couple of years.

A bit farther down I spotted my college graduation picture. My mother had taken the shot, and my father and brother were on either side of me, all three of us smiling broadly. I was the only one in my family to get a degree, Billy opting to join the service instead. I looked into the tired eyes of my father. He looked older than his years, and I often worried about him. I knew that his health was not great, and my mother just did not want to worry us. My father was a kind man, and had been a good father to grow up with, albeit a stern figure.

"So what's this I hear you and Beth wouldn't play with that Newman girl?" my father asked, a forkful of mashed potatoes halfway to his mouth. I could only stare at my father, for I had no answer. Instead I decided to be angry with my mother. I looked at her silently calling her a traitor. She didn't take the bait.

"Darla's mother said that she was awfully upset, Emmy."