Chapter Eleven.

"Well, arent you the prize jacka.s.s?"

At the sound of the voice right in front of him and coming from somewhere above him, Seb jerked and snapped his head up to find Zelda standing in his office, just the other side of his desk.

Her hands were on her hips. Her face was thunderous, her color high. Her eyes flashed and her voice fairly bubbled with outraged anger.

Seb narrowed his eyes as he looked at her, his mind churning. What was Zel doing here? She never visited the Madison Building. Why now? Why hadnt he been warned she was on her way up? How long had she been standing there? Why hadnt he even noticed her arrival? Why had he been staring at the same page of the report lying on his desk for over an hour? And above all, what the b.l.o.o.d.y h.e.l.l was wrong with him these days?

Nothing seemed to be going right lately. Nothing. He couldnt eat. He couldnt sleep. His mood was so filthy hed started scaring the staff. Something was off. Something was definitely off.

"Hi, Zel," he said coolly, sitting back slowly and linking his hands as if everything was absolutely fine. "How was Russia?"

"Wonderful."

"Ty?"

"Even more wonderful."

"And the jet lag?"

"Its a b.i.t.c.h." She flung herself into a chair, all languid grace and long limbs, despite the fiery indignation. "And youre a b.a.s.t.a.r.d."

As well as a prize jacka.s.s? Inwardly Seb tensed, but kept his expression neutral. "All this just because I cancelled dinner?"

Sure it had been short notice, like half a days, but he really hadnt felt like it. He hadnt felt like anything recently, but the thought of spending an evening watching a deliriously happy Zel snuggling up to an equally besotted Ty Sullivan on his sofa really had been too much to stomach.

"This has nothing to do with dinner," said Zelda brusquely. "This is about Mercy."

The mere mention of her name slammed into Seb with the force of a blow to the stomach.

Great.

It had been a week since hed spoken to Mercy and hed been doing so well at not thinking about her. So well at not missing her. Not anymore.

"Soda?" he muttered, jerking to his feet, suddenly keen to get away from the desk that held too many memories. "Water? Anything?"

Zels blue eyes flashed. "No, thank you."

"Mind if I have one?"

"Go ahead."

Wishing he had that unfinished bottle of whisky to hand although hed hardly drink it in front of Zel, Seb stalked to the bar, yanked open the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. "Na zdorovie," he muttered in Zels direction, cracking it open and downing it.

"Whatever," she said, and he was aware of her watching him as he threw himself onto the couch and then shuffling her chair round to face him. "So. Mercy."

"What about her?" he said flatly.

"Watch out, Seb. Youre reverting to form."

He arched an eyebrow. "So?"

"Youve been doing so well. Dont ruin it now."

"Ill endeavor not to."

"How do you think she is?"

"I dont know. I havent seen her." And he didnt care how she was, he wanted to add, but for some reason, couldnt.

"Of course you havent. Because you ditched her, didnt you? Over the phone."

He bristled at the censure in her voice. "And?"

"Lets take the s.h.i.ttiness of that as given. What I want to know is, why?"

"Its none of your business."

"Im making it my business. Shes my friend. Youve hurt her."

Exactly as hed predicted he would. Something deep inside him clenched. "Sh.e.l.l get over it."

"I wouldnt be so sure about that."

"It was never anything serious anyway." Liar.

"Are you certain of that?"

"Of course," he said, shutting down the annoyingly persistent voice in his head.

"Do you realize she loves you?"

Seb went still, every cell of his body feeling weirdly tight and primed, as if on the brink of something momentous, although why that should be he had no idea. "No, I didnt realize that," he said, forcing himself to relax. "But youre wrong. She doesnt love me." She couldnt love him. Why would she? That hadnt been part of the deal. And he was damaged, broken and a b.a.s.t.a.r.d hardly good enough for someone like her.

"Yes, she does."

"Then its even more for the best that I ended it," he said, doing his utmost to convey utter indifference because he didnt understand why it should even matter how she felt about him or why it should hurt that he wasnt good enough for her.

"What happened, Seb?" said Zel, moving to sit on the couch opposite his and leaning forward. "Did she get too close?" she asked, her gaze so d.a.m.n probing Seb could feel right in the center of him. "Did you get bored?"

Seb stared at her, stunned into speechlessness for a moment. Bored? Bored? G.o.d, hed been so far from bored hed have laughed his head off if hed been in any mood for humor.

"Or are you simply terrified?"

What? No. That was even more wrong than 'bored. "What would I have to be terrified of?" he said, the challenge clear in his voice.

"You still think youre bad news, dont you?"

"I am bad news, Zel. I end up destroying everyone I care about. You know that first hand. I wont have it happen to Mercy."

Zels gaze sharpened. "So you do care about her?"

Seb felt his jaw clench. "Im talking hypothetically."

"Bulls.h.i.t."

He shrugged and got up. "Whatever," he said and strode over to open the sliding doors for much needed fresh air.

"Dont you run away from me, Sebastian Madison," said his sister. "You wont get away with that. Not anymore."

"Where do you see me going?"

"Emotionally youre all over the place."

"Im fine," said Seb, digging his hands in the pockets of his pants and gritting his teeth as a blast of cold air hit him. "And I dont do emotion."

"Youre a mess. And you dont do emotion? Really?"

His jaw set. "You dont have a clue, Zel."

"I have more of a clue than you think, Seb. How many conversations have we had over the last couple of months? Tens? Hundreds? You wonder what would happen if you screwed up again, dont you? You worry that Mercy, like me, wont be able to handle it, and maybe, unlike me, she wont recover. You dont want to risk it. You dont want it on your conscience. But the thing is, you wouldnt screw up. I know you wouldnt. Things are different now. Youve changed. And Mercy is stronger than you think. She wouldnt let you screw up. Neither would I. So let go of the guilt, Seb. Just let it go."

If only he could. "Easy for you to say, Zel."

"Not easy for me to say, actually. Its been b.l.o.o.d.y hard for me to work through my hang-ups and G.o.d knows Ive had a few but if theres one thing Ive learned its that the effort is worth it, it really is."

"Ty?"

Zel nodded. "Among other things. And you could have Mercy. You could have peace. You could have a life."

He wanted that, he thought, his head suddenly spinning with the strength of the realization. G.o.d, he wanted that. But could he? Could he really? Was he willing to try it? And put Mercy at risk?

"Do you want to be on your own forever?" he heard his sister say and it hit him like a blow to the head that he didnt. He really didnt. He was so lonely, so d.a.m.n tired of being on his own. Hed always told himself that he was fine with it, that it was what he deserved, but he wasnt fine with it and maybe it wasnt what he deserved.

As the foundations of his long-held convictions began to shake, thoughts hed never allowed himself to entertain cascaded into his head.

Maybe it was time he started listening to the people whod always insisted that the accident had been just that, an accident. Maybe he ought to take a leaf out of Zels book and move on. Shed come such a long way, and where was he? Still hovering around the starting line. And what was he going to do? Stay there for ever? That didnt sound much like progress. That sounded faintly like self-indulgence, especially when Zel had told him many times that she understood his behavior towards her and had forgiven him. It sounded even more faintly like cowardice.

So wasnt it about time he forgave himself, manned up and started living the life his parents would have wanted him to live?

"No," he said, his voice thick and his throat tight. "I dont want to be on my own forever."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Find Mercy."

"Why?"

"Because Im nuts about her," he said, the remaining walls surrounding his heart crumbling and revealing the truth he must have known for weeks.

"Of course you are," said Zel but Seb hardly heard, he was so busy reeling with the realization he was head over heels in love with Mercy.

He adored everything about her, he thought, his stomach in free-fall as every bewildering thing about their relationship suddenly slipped into place. And the emotions, G.o.d, the emotions the hurt, the disappointment and the despair shed made him feel suddenly all made sense.

Why would he have felt any of that if he hadnt cared? Why would her opinion of him have mattered? Why had he wanted her approval and for her to look at him with the pride and admiration hed dismissed mere weeks ago? And that hold she had over him? If it bound her to him, then he wanted it.

He hadnt recognized any of it for what it was because hed let his guilt and his fear bury it but now enough was enough. To h.e.l.l with the past. He wanted the future. With Mercy. And he was going to get it. a.s.suming he hadnt completely b.u.g.g.e.red things up.

As his heart began to thump with antic.i.p.ation, longing, and no small amount of terror that he might have ruined the best thing that had ever happened to him, he whipped round on surprisingly shaky legs.

"Im afraid youll have to excuse me, Zel," he said gruffly, striding over to his desk and grabbing his phone and his keys.

Her eyes widened. "Where are you going?"

"To Mercys apartment. To talk to her."

"You wont find her there."

He stilled. Tensed. Felt a bolt of panic. "Why not? Where is she?"

"Argentina. Mendoza. Home."

Right. OK. Fine. A slight delay but not a problem. If Mercy was in Mendoza then that was where he was going. "So Ill take the jet," he said, his brain racing through the logistics because now hed realized he was crazy about her he couldnt wait a moment longer.

"You cant," said Zelda. "We had to leave it in St. Petersburg."

What? No. "Why?"

"Mechanical fault. Ty and I flew back commercial. He was pleased about that. He disapproves of the jet. We even went economy, which was novel. The food was awful and the seats were kind of snug, but actually it wasnt that bad."

The dreamy look of happiness on his sisters face caught him right in the solar plexus, making his breath catch and his head swim because that was what he wanted. Happiness. Intimacy. He wanted fun. He wanted to learn how to start living again. He just wanted Mercy. So much his throat hurt.

"I love you, Zel," he said, his voice hoa.r.s.e with emotion.

Zel looked at him, startled, then got up, her eyes watering, her smile tremulous. "I love you too, Seb," she said, wrapping herself around him in a hug he didnt think hed ever tire of. "Now you go and get her, and try not to mess it up again."